Procrastination at its Best, but here I am.

This post should be chapter 2 of my DBT Skills Workbook but instead I'm just going to write. 

I consider myself seeing Matt.. and honestly it's probably more like Dating (are they different??) I honestly have no desire to even talk or flirt with anyone and I feel that says a lot and I'm torn about that. I really wasn't going to do this again and it's completely surprised me. I've consistently come to see him weekly since our first weekend and I really do enjoy being here, being away, being not in the middle of all I have going on at home. 

I woke up at 11am, I have a solid headache, I want to make coffee but I do not want to wake him up either so I'm sitting quietly in the living room. I told myself this trip I wasn't going to just stay in bed until he was up, I'm going to do my work like I was. I updated my daily 3s and have my journal ready to write, I plan to do laundry and a few things when he leaves for work.

I'd been using these visits as an excuse, a reason to just be away and do nothing but exist and in doing so I've stopped my purpose. It's June 26th and I've done 1 chapter of the book that has already helped me and personally I should be half way through it. I've definitely let myself be distracted and I need to be able to balance both. I want this with him but I want it healthy, or at least healthy in my end. 

As I sat here with my book, the one I write in daily. Three things I am, example: I am Brave, I am Resilient, I am pretty. And three things I did, because everything I do down to taking my meds and shower is something others do not have the inner strength to do. Every day I get up is a win and we all should remember that. 

my Marci gave me this book and I started using January 1, 2021. I tried to use it as it was intended, truly. 

but my head is simply not wired to write things out like this and I struggle with what's acceptable and what I should be writing. I tried but ultimately after a few days it became a secret journal and my place to write my 3's.i do think I should start looking deeper into the Lesson I learned and 3 wins. I think that would be beneficial for me, but that literally just came to my mind so that can be another thing to bring forward and work on. There is a lesson in life every day, I am sure of it. 

I say secret journal but it was never hidden, it was always right there in plain sight and this was the second one. I'd already started one Oct 13, 2020 when I admitted to my therapist I needed to leave my husband but I didn't know how and I was trapped. She was new, and I'd been nervous because man I'd already been seeing someone since Nov 2018 but this was different and so was I. I wasn't there to cry or scream, I wasn't there to whine and seek pity. I wanted out and I didn't know how to do it. 

The first thing she did was sit back and say ok let's talk this through. First we need to change your words. You're not trapped. I said but I am. I'm stuck in this house with two people I can't stand to be around, we share one vehicle. I'm dropped off and picked up, I'm never alone. My check goes to a bankruptcy so I can't even save money to get out. She said ok, you're not trapped though. You are entangled, very deeply entangled and we just have to start untangling enough. First we need you to see what you can do and that's when she had me start my 3 things I am and 3 things I do. 

****Necessary Side Note... This is what ADHD looks like and I'm on 30 mg of Adderall... 

i finally got my coffee, I journal between blogging, I have two Snapchat conversations going as well, a text conversation and a messenger conversation..**shrug** I really want emojis to work here hahaha. 

Her goal was to help me see I am empowered and that I could do this. Now I watched Marci change her life dramatically, I was involved and her movements showed me that if she can damn it so can I. But I had to do it quietly, I couldn't handle that house and him and still that bitches involvement, my headspace was not strong enough to handle things being vocal. Ultimately, only 6 people knew what was going on and each only got pieces, no one got everything. They now closely just how deep I was entangled and how much I was struggling.  Each of those 6 made it possible, even if one is now being removed from my life, I'm pretty sure I'll never see or speak to R again once I get my things and that is simply because I do not want to deal with him. 

Mind you, that day I told my therapist I needed to leave was my 7th year wedding anniversary and Ex2  was waiting in the parking lot, like usual because I was never alone and always dropped off and picked up. I rarely drove from April 2018 until I left Sept 2021. Bitch drive my truck more than I did, one of them dropped me off and one picked me up, some days I'd be dropped off at work at 6am and not picked up until 6pm, luckily I had things I could do so I could justify being paid. It really wirye me down and I honestly felt like a prisoner the whole time while putting on a happy mask that slowly ate me from the inside out. 

This wasn't even my point when I set out to write this this morning, not at all. 

My point this morning, as it's now afternoon and I'm at the laundromat, was that so much was in these little books. The first and this one. I sat on the couch and started flipping through this book. My journal pages are sporadic, I'd just open up and find a clear page and write. There was no order to the random open and write, in between those pages were my 3's. 

it made me think about how much could have been read if he'd only took the easiest path. Instead he chose to let me over medicate myself, use my thumb and open my phone and iPad and go through absolutely everything. At first I was confused, I'd find rabs open and didn't remember opening them. Tabs I never open and when I went to see certain FB pages I'd find names I'd never searched before. To be honest, I thought I was going crazy, I was very worried I wasn't remembering things. It took me a minute and then I thought about it and decided to purposely leave some things and I'd make sure I always closed every single tab. And finally I'd figured out what was going on.

Still, even knowing I couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't confront him. I was terrified, had no idea how to deal with anything going on. Exh2 was truly my first real relationship, I had no idea how to deal with anything that went on and was going on. Everything even now, is fucking new! I've come to realize  no one really grasps what that means. 

A myriad of breakups, dating, shit hooking up (which I've learned is nothing I could ever do so that would never have happened )anything like tha I've no experience with. ExH1 and I were like best friends then just together. Exh2 and I really only spent a little time together because of distance but we talked every day, I would not say we dated. We just decided we were together. I had no idea how to deal with anything I went through. I am not proud of how I handled and dealt with some of it, but I do forgive myself because I simply didn't know what else to do or how. This book doesn't even have what the first one did. 

Everythibg that was needed to be known were in plain sight and easily accessible. Instead my privacy was destroyed and that taught me a huge lesson. My privacy is important and it's mine. I'll share what I want and what is needed. No one has the right to just access, I don't care who you are. I have never gone through anyone's things, not his phone, not his laptop. Nothing. It's NOT mine and it is not my business. People don't understand that about me either. Matt asked what I thought my first night here, since I got here while he was at work and he left a key for me. I told him honestly. I glanced at what was around me but I didn't look, look. It's not my space and I've no right to go through someone's home simply because I'm there. I'm the same way at work, not my desk I don't touch it. Not my file cabinet, I don't touch it. I try to keep my nose out of business that is not mine. What you do us on you, just like what I do is on me. I respect privacy and now I hold mine tightly. 

So much right at his fingertips. What actually really bothers me about all of the privacy destroyed was not just that it was read by someone who had no right to read it but he took photos and showed others, he sent pictures to my mother. No one gets to read or see my personal things without my damn permission. This also means he read how much I hurt myself, he read how many times I'd already tried to crash the truck, he read how much I wished I didn't exist and wanted to die and it didn't matter, that was nothing. All ge cared about was I talked to others and shared pictures. He completely dismissed my damaged mental state, ignored it. 

I didn't matter other than being married to him. That was all that mattered ultimately. I was married to him and that was enough. 

He continued to dismiss me at every turn. He never considered the true information just sitting there. 

I write for me now, almost every day and if you want to read it just ask, do not invade my privacy. That action alone will forever remove you from my life. 

i will continue to write and work on myself. I've come so far but I'm absolutely not done. I will continue to keep myself in check when I step back and I will acknowledge every realization. I will find lessons in challenges and continue to grow. I've no clue what my future holds, I do know that Matt surprised the hell out of me and I'm actually looking forward to what this could turn into, instead of looking that far ahead though I'm going to continue to live in the present as I learn how to. 

~~T

Little Steps...

I really am damn proud of myself. I give all of me to no one, it's too much. But fuck I am proud of myself. 

I shared this image on IG/FB last night. I've thought about this specific blog and my next workbook post for a few days; in fact I had planned the possibility over the weekend. 

Why didn't it happen over the weekend? I went to see Matt. Had he had to work Saturday I would have blogged, that was my intent. Alas, he did not work and I did not blog, nor did I journal so obviously my DBT Skills Workbook stayed in my bag untouched. I acknowledged to myself that if this is to keep moving and I want it to continue that means I need to be doing the work 99% of the time. I'll leave 1% for fucking off, but seriously. Twice I sat on the couch, mindlessly scrolling IG (I prefer IG because my feed is filled with food and lots of empowerment and growth posts) and watching Matt on his drums or guitar. I could have very easily journaled and watched or even drew. I took my pencils and sketchbook too because I've decided when I'm there without him I can be working on me and not using the excuse of "I'm away" to mindlessly scroll and watch movies.  I will only get so far if I continue to move at a slow pace. 

I went into this knowing it'd take work and time, I still acknowledge that it will take both work and time but I have to admit I used this as an excuse as well. I've been thinking about that lately as well as noticing things about myself that I love, but I'll cover the second part shortly. 

I absolutely get overwhelmed with things and my focus is a hot fucking mess, but there are so many times I'm just laying in bed saying I should but I don't. Alicia once said to me "I don't want you to get comfortable and slip into old habits" and that laziness, that's what I'm calling it because that's how I see it, is absolutely an original Tina habit. I'll do it eventually and if I don't it'll just fade away. But that's not what I want. That's not what I desire for myself. I didn't do what I did to not finish. I will not waste throwing my life into the air. 

That said, I'm also curious AF regarding where Matt and I could go or even are headed and I do not want myself stunted because I'm not properly working on my shit. He and this were extremely unexpected and yet it's fucking wonderful. I have to actively keep myself in check because it's completely new to me and I'm on a serious healing/growth journey that I want both to benefit and neither be negatively affected by the other.  I had told myself that if anything ever happened again I'd be sure I worked on my shit so that, at least on my end, I could try to form a healthy relationship. I also said I'd never do this again, but I'm going to simply dismiss that completely right now haha. I feel too unexpectedly wonderful to even think that way; but also this process has made me view so much differently that I can no longer say I feel the way I did when I started this journey and I think that is definitely worth noting. 

i let my "Friend" derail me, I wasted far more energy than I should have and that entire situationship will eventually be addressed. I acknowledged the realization in therapy today and I definitely chose not to work on things when I definitely should have. That all changed with that single text and now I know how important it is to find balance and continue to work on my shit as I should.

To be honest, I've noticed a good bit about myself this last month. I walk without slouching more often and I will often correct myself when I catch I am not.  I'll catch myself walking like I'm hiding and I'll say to myself to stand up and own yourself. And I'll straighten up and walk with my face up, not down looking at the ground. I feel comfortable in clothes I've never ever felt comfortable in. I actually feel like I have confidence, not often but I actually... Feel it at times and it's just bizarre. It's nothing I've ever felt about myself and to realize that I feel this way, even a little bit simply blows my mind. I am just in awe that I truly am changing myself, I am actually making a difference. 

When is realized I had to leave, it was 10/13/2019 (it's amazing what my brain will lete remember given most things are lost but I remember so many details..) and I had therapy and it was the last therapist I had at Purdue. She'd introduced herself and she asked a few questions and I looked at her and said "I'm 99% sure I need to leave my husband." She looked at me and I said " I need to leave my husband, I don't know how to do it because I'm trapped" as I explained things she looked at me and said something along the lines of "you're not trapped. You are entangled, deeply entangled but not trapped" she set out to help me change the way I spoke, helped me change words and how I speak to myself in many ways. That day she had me start writing three things I am and three things I did each day. I do this still, every single day and I plan to never stop. I had stopped for 3 months in 2020 and my depression set in deeper. Once I noticed it, I picked back up and I have not stopped since. If I miss a day, I still write it and go over the day for what I did. Seeing that I am actually viewing myself differently, when I see pictures and look in the mirror, it's almost like I see myself for the first time. Every now and then it truly feels that way and I smile, because I know the difference and feel the difference. 

Seeing these changes made me realize that my work is actually making a difference, even if others don't see it. I see it, I feel it. Every day is not great; some days are extremely overwhelming and feel impossible to deal with, but I no longer think of hating my existence, In fact I don't view it that way much at all anymore. I do know that I lost sight of why I was doing this, I let my vision blur for another person and again moved myself to the bottom of my own priority list. 

It took me two years and two attempts to leave. It's taken almost four years to finally see the work I've been doing and I can see that I could have been working harder. I deserve the hard work and my future self and relationship(s) deserve it as well. All of this and I'm still most proud of catching myself walking confidently, face up facing the world instead of keeping my eyes on the ground. 

~~ T

Relax and Soothe... or at least I'm gonna try..

The final part of Chapter 1 is Relax and Soothe Yourself, p.23 of my DBT Workbook. Why am I back so soon? Because this is almost over and honestly it should not have taken this long to work through a single chapter *facepalm insert here haha. And seeing that I'm starting this randomly at 8:44pm, when I work in the morning, it definitely will not be completed tonight but I do intend to finish it this weekend. 

I try to relax, I smoke weed. I didn't used to. Really almost never. I'm grateful for it, my friend saw me spiraling, saw me trying to die and her thought was weed and it absolutely saved my life. It occasionally slowed things down. Never quiet but sometimes it slowed down and it helped me cope just enough. Weed was not enough, I went to my Dr is Nov 2018 because I was actively planning and trying. Though weed helped me a bit, it was not enough. Nothing stopped my head, nothing helped me be quiet. I tried to relax, I couldn't so maybe this will help me more. 

On Pg. 23, DBT Workbook, "In a state of relaxation, your heart beats more slowly and your blood pressure is reduced. Your body is no longer in a state of constant emergency, preparing to either confront a stressful situation or run away from it. As a result, it's easier for your brain think of healthier ways to cope with your problems". Now reading that quote, twice, is why I chose to share it, I am in a constant state of flight. I do not like confrontation, I don't. I have never actually been in a physical fight. I never fought back with my brother, never. I just always felt that's what I was supposed to experience I guess. That it didn't matter so why bother. Maybe eventually he'd stop, but not until I was 18 and we learned just how hard a man could potentially hit and neither of us were prepared for that. I guess maybe that's why I stay so long before I cave and run away from a shitty relationship. Is that running? I feel like everything I dealt with was in fact a form of running but that's my head. Anyway that was not the point of this post, simply that I felt that quote and it needed touched on. 

So before I set my Relaxation Plan, I do want to share that I kept myself in control yesterday. I went in Sunday at 4am. I had a very busy day ahead and I had like an hour and a half left when I found myself just staring at my icing cart saying over and over "I just don't have enough time" and felt my eyes swell with tears. I felt the melt down right in the surface, but I really didn't have time for it. Truly didn't. I stood there feeling the tears and I just closed my eyes and breathed. Just stood there breathing, then I turned around and finished my work. I stopped the meltdown and I was exhausted but I stopped it. 

My DBT Skills Workbook uses all five sense, so that there are different options. We're all so different and options in my opinion are good. Pages 24-28 covers all 5 senses. 

Self-Soothing with Sense of Smell, pg 24. "Smell is a very powerful sense that can often trigger memories and make you feel certain ways". Identifying smells that make you feel good is the important part, not ones that make you feel bad. There is a list of ideas, and it asks that we check off the ones I'd be willing to do. Here is the list of ideas from pg. 24 :

X - Burn Candles or Incense in your room ur house. Find a scent pleasing to you. - I actually love candles and use them to try to relax in general. I had not thought to use it when I was upset. 

__ - Wera scented oils, perfume, or cologne that makes you feel happy, confident or sexy. I honestly don't use perfume. I barely use a specific scented lotion (Champagne Toast) I can't say I have it no one that's help me feel better. 

__ - Cut out perfumed cards from magazines and carry them with you in your handbag or wallet. I can't tell you the last time I bought a magazine, let alone one with perfume cards. But like perfume, that's not for me. 

X - Go someplace where the scent is pleasing to you, like a bakery or restaurant. I will definitely need to think about this one. Obviously food is my vibe haha but I definitely should think about places I can go to smell my way back to sanity. 

X - Bake your own food that has a pleasing smell, like chocolate chip cookies. This would be good for me hor many reasons, if I can control myself not eating them all during a self destructive episode hahaha

X - Lie down in your lucal park and smell the grass and outdoor smells. I'm going to check this though I'm not going to lie down. I'm just not physically able to do this without drawing attention to myself and I don't like attention. I would be willing to find a bench or swing and enjoy. 

X - But fresh-cut flowers or seek out flowers in your neighborhood. I've actually been wanting to bring flowers into my room so maybe I'll try to utilize them somehow. 

__ - Hug someone who makes you calm. I want to check this off but the tragedy is those hugs are just not near me. I don't really get hugs now and I honestly miss them. So when I do get them, like now spending time with Matt, I'm taking each one in as much as I can! 

X- spray a favorite scent on something small and carry it with you. I thought if this when the suggestion of touch mentioned something similar. 

Self-Soothing using your sense of vision. "Vision is very important to humans. In fact, a large portion of our brain is devoted solely to our sense of sight". The things we see can have a huge impact on us, good and bad. This makes it important to images with effects. The last of ideas for pg. 24 are:

__ - Go Through magazines or books to cut out pictures that you like. Make a collage of them to hang on your wall or keep some of them with you in your handbag or wallet to look at when you're away from home. Again... I just don't buy magazines. I might be willing to use the internet to look at things or if my cookbooks or something is handy that I can just go through. I feel like reading would be just as beneficial. 

X  - Find a place that's soothing for you to look at, like a park or museum. Or find a picture of a place that's soothing for you to look at, like the Grand Canyon. I need to do this, I need to go sit in the backyard, drive to a park, go somewhere I like. 

__ - Go to a bookstore and find a collection of photographs or paintings that you find relaxing. I'm definitely not going to go to a bookstore or even a Library, sorry I just don't. 

X - Draw or paint your own picture that's pleasing. I have plenty to be working on, drawing and coloring. 

X - Carry a picture or photograph of someone you live, you find attractive or someone you admire. I have them all on my phone, I need to remember to do this, maybe figure out how to make a separate folder of just the . 

Self-Soothing Using your Sense of Hearing, pg 25. Music is my absolute favorite pass time. I love music. Some suggestions are:

X - Listen to soothing music. This can be classical, opera, oldies, new age, Motown, jazz, Celtic, African, or anything else that works for you. It may or may not have words. I use Pandora daily and I have a plethora of searions. I often use music as a distraction as well, going to music that I can sing along to. 

__ - Listen to books on tape or compact discs. Many public libraries have options you can borrow. I've always enjoyed reading and listening was never something I considered. I've never tried and I really don't want to. I like my own mind when I read. 

X - Turn on the television and just listen. Find a boring show, nothing excitable, it in a comfortable chair or lie down and close your eyes and simply listen. Have the volume on low. Bob Ross is suggested and honestly that sounds amazing haha. I had initially not checked this, but I may try it. I might fall asleep haha. 

__ - Listen to a gentle talk show on the radio. It's important that it's gentle, not something that will upset you. Stay away from things like political talk shows and the news. I do not like talk on the radio, I use Pandora because it's just music. I don't like morning shows, nothing like that. It's just not for me. 

X - Open your window and listen to the peaceful sounds outside. Or, if you live somewhere without relaxing sounds, go somewhere you can visit with pleasing sounds, like a park. 

X - Listen to a recording of nature sounds, like frogs or birds. 

X - listen to a white noise machine. Pg. 26- White noise is a sound that blocks out other distracting sounds. You can buy a machine that makes white noise with circulating air, or you can use a fan. I have a white noise app on my phone and iPad and I gave a fan. I yse it at night to sleep. 

Self-Soothing Using Your Sense of Taste, pg. 26. Our tongue has distinct regions of taste buds on it to recognize different flavors and tastes, which can then trigger memories and feelings. The DBT Skills Workbook notes that if eating is a problem for you, such as eating, bingeing, purging or restricting what you eat, talk to a professional counselor about getting help, pg 27. ***I'm gonna note instead of having this damn section done in a couple days... It's been a couple weeks... Fucking ADHD and exhaustion...****

Food is a definite issue for me. I love it, so so much. Food is an experience for me but it's t us also a comfort. A bad day will gave me needing candy, fastfood and just crap. So I will have to be careful if I choose to include taste. Some suggestions listed on Pg. 27 are:

X - Enjoy your favorite meal, whatever it is. Eat it slowly so you can enjoy the way it tastes. I'm supportive of the favorite meal but it's hard for me to eat slowly lol. I am working on that though haha. 

/ - Carry lollipops, gun or other candy with you to eat when you feel upset. I'm leaving half an x for this one. Gum could be of help but I do have a serious candy addiction and I will end up eating all of it at once. I do not have control over my candy/sugar so I try to not buy it. Gum I keep on hand though! 

X - Eat a soothing food, like ice cream, chocolate, pudding, or something else that is soothing. If I can control it then I am willing to use it. I will gave to determine my state if mind regarding the control aspect though. 

X - Drink something soothing, like tea, coffee or hot chocolate. Practice drinking it slowly so you can enjoy the way it tastes. I love coffee haha so I'm gonna need decaf too lol

X - Suck on an ice cube or an ice pop, especially if you're feeling warm, and enjoy the taste as it melts in your mouth. 

X - Buy a piece of ripe and juicy fresh fruit and eat it slowly. 

All of these have definite possible uses if I'm in control of my eating at the time. 

Self-Soothing Using Your Sense of Touch

We are constantly using our hands and feeling things and yet we often forget our actual sense of touch.  "Our skin is our largest organ, and it's completely covered with nerves that carry feelings to our brain" pg 27 DBT Skills Workbook. Certain sensations can be enjoyable like petting a soft dog but others can be painful. Sensations are individual to each of us, so remember what is pleasing to you may not be pleasing to me. Some suggestions using the sense of touch from pg.27 are: 

X - Carry something soft or velvety in your pocket to touch when you need to, like a piece of cloth. I should consider this, I had never thought of it. 

X- take a hot or cold shower and enjoy the feeling of falling water. I love a hot shower, it's my favorite thing at the end of the day. 

X- take a warm bubble bath and enjoy the warm water on your skin. If I had access to a tub, bubble baths would be daily. 

__ - Get a massage. Look into the variety and find a location that fits you. I'm unsure about this, it's a cost I never have and I'm just unsure. 

X - Massage yourself. Sometimes just rubbing your soreness is pleasing. I actually do this sometimes. 

I live with others, it's not easy for me. I'm always the one others live with. My room is Luke my apartment, it's as me as it can be and jam packed and probably slightly chaotic. BUT it's my space and I like it. 

Relaxation and Soothing Skills to use at Home:

1. Take a hot shower with music. Listen to a station that you enjoy. 

2. Go into your room, turn on music or a show you enjoy to play in the background. Even your white noise app. 

3. If it's not too hot in the room (currently eek man lol) light your candles but position the fans so they do not affect the burning. 

4. Make sure your curtain is open if it's day time. The sunlight will add brightness. Stand in the window for a few minutes and feel the sun. 

5. Look at your plants, gently touch their leaves. Talk to them, feel their life as they soak up the sunlight. 

6. Lay on your bed, have your fan set to hit only you, using whichever speed is beneficial. Feel the air and imagine it's wind. 

7. Close your eyes, just listen to the sounds. 

8. Let your mind just be. When it starts to focus on something, open your eyes and look at your paintings. Think about their colors, which you like to look at most. Once your mind is clear, close your eyes again. 

9. Just be. 

Depending on why I'm away from home will determine how I use this. 

Self-Soothing Skills to use when away from home:

1. Carry something that is both soft but also able to carry scent. Keep in your pocket or in your purse for easy access. 

2. Stop and drink your water. Feel the coolness in your mouth, the wetness as you drink and it hydrates you. Take the time to enjoy the freshness. 

3. If at work, Go into the cooler or freezer and just close your eyes and breathe deeply. Feeling the cool aur in your skin and as it feels your lungs. If in your car, roll down all the windows but do not close your eyes! Haha. 

I'm keeping the away from home short, simply because I'm unsure how to fully look at away from home. I will revisit this. 

I'm leaving the start of this post as it is. It has in fact taken me 2 weeks to finish. I can say it was a lot to type out but actually I was doing somethings for fun but also... I just can't make myself no matter how much I know I need to. Fucking ADHD man. I'm working on it though.. awareness right. 

~~ T 

My Distraction Plan... I guess..

So towards the end up Chapter one is the Create Your Own Distraction Plan exercise. 

I'm struggling right now. I've been on Adderall for a week and my head still has conversations with people that WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Things I want to say that I know I never will because I literally cannot. Things I'm hurt, disappointed or upset about that again, I will never be able to actually say. And I say this because I can't, like my mouth will not move, will not open. I literally cannot. I've still not found a damn voice, no ability to fucking speak for myself. 

I'm supposed to use these distraction skills to stop the overwhelming emotions and what not but I cannot stop my head from these conversations! No station I put on in my ear, no work I did, they just kept going. I tell my self stop and it lasts for seconds before I'm forming a different version of the same conversation. How do I create a plan when my attempt to distract myself didn't work 😞. Now that said, today didn't feel about overwhelming emotions. I didn't become insanely angry or ready to cry. I'm just frustrated so maybe it's not the situation for distraction? I really don't know and if I can remember I'll bring it up with my therapist, I'd make myself notes but yeah I'll still lose those and it'll do me no good, never has. Radical acceptance, it is what it is regarding notes hahaha. 

I do use radical acceptance a lot, and I do use my distraction skills when I'm aware I need them. I try really hard to feel it and let it go. These conversations though FUCK man!!! 

My Distraction Plan.. 

That is what this is about so .. I should actually try to write one. The point of the Distraction Plan, pg. 22-23 of my DBT Skills Workbook, is to distract so that you can then relax and cope. The intent is to write it down and keep it with me so that I can review it when I find myself in distressing situations. 

I'm not gonna lie, I don't really understand what I'm supposed to do? I've all these various ways to try to distract my self, do I just like pick a few? The exercise simply has 10 lines and I do not fully understand what I'm exactly supposed to do. 

My most overwhelming aspect of my life is work right now. Everything pretty much sets me off. No, that's not true, I think I've gotten much better at not letting everything get to me. I've really taken on radical acceptance when it comes to work, I'm choosing to be there and there is nothing I can do until I choose to leave. It is what it is. 

I do not feel I have self-destructive behaviors, other than my eating. I definitely binge and sugar is something I can't pass up when things get a certain way. I couldn't stop the conversations today and I ended up buying candy and and ice cream I already ate. I'm currently simply trying to ignore all I have because I don't want to eat it all and I know if I start I won't stop and well I already ate half a box of dry cinnamon toast crunch cereal as a snack yesterday :/. 

Oh hey, My Distraction Plan for at Work

1. Walk away and Count My Breaths- Walk into the cooler and breathe. Count deep breaths to 10-15. Give yourself the time to collect yourself. 

2. If Counting deep breaths in the cooler is not calming you down, start counting how many 6 CT cupcake containers you have. This will not only distract you with counting, but you also are including distraction with tasks and chores. Take inventory. Count all the containers you have, the list will be beneficial and distracting. 

3. Change your Music! Put in Styx for calming, Adam Ant to pick you up. Do not listen to your go to angry music until you're in better control. 

4. Go find Sara!! She always helps you calm down!! 

5. Go rearrange your freezer product and take inventory of what's on hand. Count your colossal cookies. 

6. Go to the restroom in the back of the store, on your way look at the store, the customers and the product. Think about what you'd cook or what you like that a customer is wearing as you walk away. Count the squares on the ground as you walk. 

7. Think about something enjoyable. Remember a road trip, a concert, a visit and start describing it in detail to yourself. 

My Distraction Plan for home... 

I'm often alone. I really do stay in my room and to myself more times than not. But it's then that I think I need distraction. The last few days have absolutely been ugh. Indifferent, frustrated, annoyed. I tried to sleep a couple different times, ate far too much. But I just ugh. 

1. Breathe deeply and count your breaths to 20. I want to start every plan with breathing, I do not think we stop and take enough deep breaths in general. 

2.  Tina! You have got to stop using food as a self-destructive behavior. If you are wanting to eat simply because of how you are feeling, drink a full glass of water, a 16 oz glass of water. Walk your ass downstairs and fill a glass and drink it. 

3. If you are downstairs for water, stay there! Otherwise, take your ass downstairs and do dishes. Remove yourself from your room. 

4. Go outside, sit on the back porch in the sun for 10 min. You can set a timer but sit and think about the sun, is there a breeze? Can you hear the leaves or anyone near by? Focus on everything outside going on. 

5. Draw or color. You've several options. 

6. JOURNAL! Get it all out, write until you can't write anymore of it. 

7. Cry Tina. You are allowed to cry and need to let it out. If you need to cry, cry! 

8. Snap/Text someone. Check on Jordyn, find out how your friends are. Check on Beckie. Snap Marci. You've many you can check in with! 

9. Remember trips and fun experiences. Think in detail about concerts, trips to the beach, whale watching, tour favorite restaurant experiences. There are MANY you can focus on!!

10. Fucking clean your room... It ALWAYS needs cleaning! 

Is this right??? I've no fucking clue haha. I do know that I'm not in as much of a funk as I was so maybe I did distract myself with my necessary blog post because I feel guilty I haven't done anything lately. I admit I sometimes feel defeated, that I'm where I am. I have to believe in myself that this time next year I'll be somewhere different with myself .. fingered crossed haha. 

~~ T 

Settling for being Settled for...

It's been a bizarre week... Wonderfully bizarre. I went on a date weekend and it's was wonderful. I also then went back two days later.. and simply wonderful. 

I found myself thinking why is this so fucking different, like so different. And I thought about it and I realized in every relationship/situation involving men in my life I settled for them settling for me. 

I lost my virginity at 15, he was 20. I still think back about the fun had leading up to it. I knew what I was doing, I didn't care. Someone was finally paying attention to me and he was 20. Now, obviously I see the wrong in that, but at 15 we don't care. What I also remember is how he'd spent the time not with me trying to get back with my friends Mom. He settled for me, I was the easiest in the mix. 

I didn't have anyone or do anything until I was 20. ExH1 and I had been best friends for like two years and during that time I listened to him cry and hurt over his crush Sara. How in love with her he was, I sat and listened to songs directed for her, I hung out with them as 3 of us. We were coming back from Rocky Horror one night and he was laying his head in my lap and suddenly very gently rubbing my thigh. It took us 3 days and we were now a couple. He couldn't have her so he settled for his best friend. Now, most do not know this but I tried to break up with him 3 months in. He wouldn't finish school, had no job, I just couldn't be like that. He cried and begged and it wouldn't be the last time. We should never have gotten married, I literally remember telling myself "You should say yes Tina, no one else will ever ask you. You'll be happy eventually". I literally settled for being Settled for. 

ExH2 and I started talking August 2009, my divorce was finalized April 2009 and his was still in some limbo. We talked all the time. He loved that I was BBW and brought it up often.  That's why he even messaged me, because he liked my ass.  He'd call me and talk all day in blue tooth. He talked about how excited he was to go back to Lafayette to be with his son and his Mom. His love. Months of this until she broke his heart and he was seeing some younger woman. We physically met June 2010 and he cheated on the chick with me. I wasn't looking for anything but fun and figured I'd never see him again, it was nothing I would ever do. I left ExH1 and was trying to force myself outside of my box (I now know that box has a name and that's another post). We'd actually called it quits after a month long visit until my dumb ass gave an ultimatum and tried to make him someone he's not. He needs to save women and I will never need saved the way he needed to save. I definitely know that now. But he settled for me because he couldn't have baby mama. 

Even a friend, one I thought was for life, settled for the ease of me until something better came along. This is definitely a different situation but it still fits. 

I've literally spent my life settling for being settled for. I always thought that's as good as I deserve, it's all I'm worth having. I fucking know otherwise now and I will remind myself that I will not settle ever again. Someone likes me for me, wants to get to know me. We don't know each other and I've no idea what I'm doing. But it feels wonderful and I'm just gonna enjoy feeling wonderful for a while. I'm done settling for being settled for. 

Diagnosis Babble

I'm 20 min early for therapy, I just left my Dr and now have a script for Adderall. 

About a month ago I was diagnosed with ADHD, two weeks ago level 1 Autism. I am struggling with it. Not that I have the diagnosis but where would I be had this been discovered sooner. I truly just expected everyone to be right; I'm overdramatic, oversensitive, weird, lazy, etc. I'd be in therapy for 10 yrs to repair myself and maybe have a typical life like it was supposed to be. 

Not two failed marriages, not a waste of an entire adult life, not living in my friends home while trying to work on my mental health so I can become a true independent person. What might I have been able to do had I been seen. 

But I'm a woman and women barely matter now and we definitely didn't matter then. I've read some articles that were given to me last week after my snap. I absolutely cracked and I've not been able to fully tuck anything back into place as I need to. It's all still spiraling everywhere, or at least that's how it feels. 

I see it in everything and I never realized how much I masked. I think about it and it's just that I wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted to be asked out like everyone else, I wanted to have normal experiences like everyone else but that didn't happen. Even masking did me no good, I was still unapproachable except for my friends that I've had with me forever. I'm so grateful for them because they just accepted me for my weirdness but they don't understand. Well, they're trying. I have to explain and remind of situations so they can stop and see. But they're not dissing it and that helps. I feel like having a diagnosis helped them hear me because I wasn't just being dramatic. It meant it was real. I even had to explain to Mom but man it was nice cause she listened and I appreciated that so much. 

I've learned that though I knew very little, so many know even less and it's hard. It's like depression, unless you experience it you simply don't understand and so many simply dismiss it. 

I started this a week ago, my Adderall is not able to be filled because of a shortage so we're still waiting. I find myself just letting whatever happens happen and then try to determine which of my issues it is. I think I still have some delusion that I'll be able to control it if I can figure it out. I mean I know I'm wrong but I see that's what I'm trying to do. It doesn't matter that I know it's still happening haha.. that's what sucks most I think. Knowing and still not being able to do anything about it. 

~T

I should...

I should have done more today, I should have. I took myself to an early movie. I often found myself looking around, thinking about whatever. I'd catch it and watch it and enjoy it but then I'd be looking at the numbers in the floor and the light of the wall. Renfield was good, Funny and Gory and honestly.. Nicholas Cage gives Dracula a great ego hahaha. I really did enjoy it, I almost cried like three times because of well... I felt I connected too well with some of the characters and I just wanted to cry. I didn't but the tears were ready to fall. I ate unnecessary crap and justify it because Wonderland Theater is great lol. All of this and I still left feeling low. I try to think about why and I don't really have an answer. I'm just down. Last Wed was bad, this one is quite indifferent and I really need to wake up ok tomorrow. I want to be smiley and chipper but I can't help but question why. Why bother you know. I'm tired, I never feel rested and I just wonder you know. What if I do all this, feel all of this and I'm still just me. I got a delicious double scoop of ice cream and though I felt that enjoyment with each bite, it was fleeting. I

still came home and just tried to fall asleep. I prefer to be asleep, it's the better state of being. 

~~T