I found myself thinking why is this so fucking different, like so different. And I thought about it and I realized in every relationship/situation involving men in my life I settled for them settling for me.
I lost my virginity at 15, he was 20. I still think back about the fun had leading up to it. I knew what I was doing, I didn't care. Someone was finally paying attention to me and he was 20. Now, obviously I see the wrong in that, but at 15 we don't care. What I also remember is how he'd spent the time not with me trying to get back with my friends Mom. He settled for me, I was the easiest in the mix.
I didn't have anyone or do anything until I was 20. ExH1 and I had been best friends for like two years and during that time I listened to him cry and hurt over his crush Sara. How in love with her he was, I sat and listened to songs directed for her, I hung out with them as 3 of us. We were coming back from Rocky Horror one night and he was laying his head in my lap and suddenly very gently rubbing my thigh. It took us 3 days and we were now a couple. He couldn't have her so he settled for his best friend. Now, most do not know this but I tried to break up with him 3 months in. He wouldn't finish school, had no job, I just couldn't be like that. He cried and begged and it wouldn't be the last time. We should never have gotten married, I literally remember telling myself "You should say yes Tina, no one else will ever ask you. You'll be happy eventually". I literally settled for being Settled for.
ExH2 and I started talking August 2009, my divorce was finalized April 2009 and his was still in some limbo. We talked all the time. He loved that I was BBW and brought it up often. That's why he even messaged me, because he liked my ass. He'd call me and talk all day in blue tooth. He talked about how excited he was to go back to Lafayette to be with his son and his Mom. His love. Months of this until she broke his heart and he was seeing some younger woman. We physically met June 2010 and he cheated on the chick with me. I wasn't looking for anything but fun and figured I'd never see him again, it was nothing I would ever do. I left ExH1 and was trying to force myself outside of my box (I now know that box has a name and that's another post). We'd actually called it quits after a month long visit until my dumb ass gave an ultimatum and tried to make him someone he's not. He needs to save women and I will never need saved the way he needed to save. I definitely know that now. But he settled for me because he couldn't have baby mama.
Even a friend, one I thought was for life, settled for the ease of me until something better came along. This is definitely a different situation but it still fits.
I've literally spent my life settling for being settled for. I always thought that's as good as I deserve, it's all I'm worth having. I fucking know otherwise now and I will remind myself that I will not settle ever again. Someone likes me for me, wants to get to know me. We don't know each other and I've no idea what I'm doing. But it feels wonderful and I'm just gonna enjoy feeling wonderful for a while. I'm done settling for being settled for.
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