This post should be chapter 2 of my DBT Skills Workbook but instead I'm just going to write.
I consider myself seeing Matt.. and honestly it's probably more like Dating (are they different??) I honestly have no desire to even talk or flirt with anyone and I feel that says a lot and I'm torn about that. I really wasn't going to do this again and it's completely surprised me. I've consistently come to see him weekly since our first weekend and I really do enjoy being here, being away, being not in the middle of all I have going on at home.
I woke up at 11am, I have a solid headache, I want to make coffee but I do not want to wake him up either so I'm sitting quietly in the living room. I told myself this trip I wasn't going to just stay in bed until he was up, I'm going to do my work like I was. I updated my daily 3s and have my journal ready to write, I plan to do laundry and a few things when he leaves for work.
I'd been using these visits as an excuse, a reason to just be away and do nothing but exist and in doing so I've stopped my purpose. It's June 26th and I've done 1 chapter of the book that has already helped me and personally I should be half way through it. I've definitely let myself be distracted and I need to be able to balance both. I want this with him but I want it healthy, or at least healthy in my end.
As I sat here with my book, the one I write in daily. Three things I am, example: I am Brave, I am Resilient, I am pretty. And three things I did, because everything I do down to taking my meds and shower is something others do not have the inner strength to do. Every day I get up is a win and we all should remember that.
my Marci gave me this book and I started using January 1, 2021. I tried to use it as it was intended, truly.
but my head is simply not wired to write things out like this and I struggle with what's acceptable and what I should be writing. I tried but ultimately after a few days it became a secret journal and my place to write my 3's.i do think I should start looking deeper into the Lesson I learned and 3 wins. I think that would be beneficial for me, but that literally just came to my mind so that can be another thing to bring forward and work on. There is a lesson in life every day, I am sure of it.
I say secret journal but it was never hidden, it was always right there in plain sight and this was the second one. I'd already started one Oct 13, 2020 when I admitted to my therapist I needed to leave my husband but I didn't know how and I was trapped. She was new, and I'd been nervous because man I'd already been seeing someone since Nov 2018 but this was different and so was I. I wasn't there to cry or scream, I wasn't there to whine and seek pity. I wanted out and I didn't know how to do it.
The first thing she did was sit back and say ok let's talk this through. First we need to change your words. You're not trapped. I said but I am. I'm stuck in this house with two people I can't stand to be around, we share one vehicle. I'm dropped off and picked up, I'm never alone. My check goes to a bankruptcy so I can't even save money to get out. She said ok, you're not trapped though. You are entangled, very deeply entangled and we just have to start untangling enough. First we need you to see what you can do and that's when she had me start my 3 things I am and 3 things I do.
****Necessary Side Note... This is what ADHD looks like and I'm on 30 mg of Adderall...
i finally got my coffee, I journal between blogging, I have two Snapchat conversations going as well, a text conversation and a messenger conversation..**shrug** I really want emojis to work here hahaha.
Her goal was to help me see I am empowered and that I could do this. Now I watched Marci change her life dramatically, I was involved and her movements showed me that if she can damn it so can I. But I had to do it quietly, I couldn't handle that house and him and still that bitches involvement, my headspace was not strong enough to handle things being vocal. Ultimately, only 6 people knew what was going on and each only got pieces, no one got everything. They now closely just how deep I was entangled and how much I was struggling. Each of those 6 made it possible, even if one is now being removed from my life, I'm pretty sure I'll never see or speak to R again once I get my things and that is simply because I do not want to deal with him.
Mind you, that day I told my therapist I needed to leave was my 7th year wedding anniversary and Ex2 was waiting in the parking lot, like usual because I was never alone and always dropped off and picked up. I rarely drove from April 2018 until I left Sept 2021. Bitch drive my truck more than I did, one of them dropped me off and one picked me up, some days I'd be dropped off at work at 6am and not picked up until 6pm, luckily I had things I could do so I could justify being paid. It really wirye me down and I honestly felt like a prisoner the whole time while putting on a happy mask that slowly ate me from the inside out.
This wasn't even my point when I set out to write this this morning, not at all.
My point this morning, as it's now afternoon and I'm at the laundromat, was that so much was in these little books. The first and this one. I sat on the couch and started flipping through this book. My journal pages are sporadic, I'd just open up and find a clear page and write. There was no order to the random open and write, in between those pages were my 3's.
it made me think about how much could have been read if he'd only took the easiest path. Instead he chose to let me over medicate myself, use my thumb and open my phone and iPad and go through absolutely everything. At first I was confused, I'd find rabs open and didn't remember opening them. Tabs I never open and when I went to see certain FB pages I'd find names I'd never searched before. To be honest, I thought I was going crazy, I was very worried I wasn't remembering things. It took me a minute and then I thought about it and decided to purposely leave some things and I'd make sure I always closed every single tab. And finally I'd figured out what was going on.
Still, even knowing I couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't confront him. I was terrified, had no idea how to deal with anything going on. Exh2 was truly my first real relationship, I had no idea how to deal with anything that went on and was going on. Everything even now, is fucking new! I've come to realize no one really grasps what that means.
A myriad of breakups, dating, shit hooking up (which I've learned is nothing I could ever do so that would never have happened )anything like tha I've no experience with. ExH1 and I were like best friends then just together. Exh2 and I really only spent a little time together because of distance but we talked every day, I would not say we dated. We just decided we were together. I had no idea how to deal with anything I went through. I am not proud of how I handled and dealt with some of it, but I do forgive myself because I simply didn't know what else to do or how. This book doesn't even have what the first one did.
Everythibg that was needed to be known were in plain sight and easily accessible. Instead my privacy was destroyed and that taught me a huge lesson. My privacy is important and it's mine. I'll share what I want and what is needed. No one has the right to just access, I don't care who you are. I have never gone through anyone's things, not his phone, not his laptop. Nothing. It's NOT mine and it is not my business. People don't understand that about me either. Matt asked what I thought my first night here, since I got here while he was at work and he left a key for me. I told him honestly. I glanced at what was around me but I didn't look, look. It's not my space and I've no right to go through someone's home simply because I'm there. I'm the same way at work, not my desk I don't touch it. Not my file cabinet, I don't touch it. I try to keep my nose out of business that is not mine. What you do us on you, just like what I do is on me. I respect privacy and now I hold mine tightly.
So much right at his fingertips. What actually really bothers me about all of the privacy destroyed was not just that it was read by someone who had no right to read it but he took photos and showed others, he sent pictures to my mother. No one gets to read or see my personal things without my damn permission. This also means he read how much I hurt myself, he read how many times I'd already tried to crash the truck, he read how much I wished I didn't exist and wanted to die and it didn't matter, that was nothing. All ge cared about was I talked to others and shared pictures. He completely dismissed my damaged mental state, ignored it.
I didn't matter other than being married to him. That was all that mattered ultimately. I was married to him and that was enough.
He continued to dismiss me at every turn. He never considered the true information just sitting there.
I write for me now, almost every day and if you want to read it just ask, do not invade my privacy. That action alone will forever remove you from my life.
i will continue to write and work on myself. I've come so far but I'm absolutely not done. I will continue to keep myself in check when I step back and I will acknowledge every realization. I will find lessons in challenges and continue to grow. I've no clue what my future holds, I do know that Matt surprised the hell out of me and I'm actually looking forward to what this could turn into, instead of looking that far ahead though I'm going to continue to live in the present as I learn how to.
~~T
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