I'm struggling right now. I've been on Adderall for a week and my head still has conversations with people that WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Things I want to say that I know I never will because I literally cannot. Things I'm hurt, disappointed or upset about that again, I will never be able to actually say. And I say this because I can't, like my mouth will not move, will not open. I literally cannot. I've still not found a damn voice, no ability to fucking speak for myself.
I'm supposed to use these distraction skills to stop the overwhelming emotions and what not but I cannot stop my head from these conversations! No station I put on in my ear, no work I did, they just kept going. I tell my self stop and it lasts for seconds before I'm forming a different version of the same conversation. How do I create a plan when my attempt to distract myself didn't work 😞. Now that said, today didn't feel about overwhelming emotions. I didn't become insanely angry or ready to cry. I'm just frustrated so maybe it's not the situation for distraction? I really don't know and if I can remember I'll bring it up with my therapist, I'd make myself notes but yeah I'll still lose those and it'll do me no good, never has. Radical acceptance, it is what it is regarding notes hahaha.
I do use radical acceptance a lot, and I do use my distraction skills when I'm aware I need them. I try really hard to feel it and let it go. These conversations though FUCK man!!!
My Distraction Plan..
That is what this is about so .. I should actually try to write one. The point of the Distraction Plan, pg. 22-23 of my DBT Skills Workbook, is to distract so that you can then relax and cope. The intent is to write it down and keep it with me so that I can review it when I find myself in distressing situations.
I'm not gonna lie, I don't really understand what I'm supposed to do? I've all these various ways to try to distract my self, do I just like pick a few? The exercise simply has 10 lines and I do not fully understand what I'm exactly supposed to do.
My most overwhelming aspect of my life is work right now. Everything pretty much sets me off. No, that's not true, I think I've gotten much better at not letting everything get to me. I've really taken on radical acceptance when it comes to work, I'm choosing to be there and there is nothing I can do until I choose to leave. It is what it is.
I do not feel I have self-destructive behaviors, other than my eating. I definitely binge and sugar is something I can't pass up when things get a certain way. I couldn't stop the conversations today and I ended up buying candy and and ice cream I already ate. I'm currently simply trying to ignore all I have because I don't want to eat it all and I know if I start I won't stop and well I already ate half a box of dry cinnamon toast crunch cereal as a snack yesterday :/.
Oh hey, My Distraction Plan for at Work
1. Walk away and Count My Breaths- Walk into the cooler and breathe. Count deep breaths to 10-15. Give yourself the time to collect yourself.
2. If Counting deep breaths in the cooler is not calming you down, start counting how many 6 CT cupcake containers you have. This will not only distract you with counting, but you also are including distraction with tasks and chores. Take inventory. Count all the containers you have, the list will be beneficial and distracting.
3. Change your Music! Put in Styx for calming, Adam Ant to pick you up. Do not listen to your go to angry music until you're in better control.
4. Go find Sara!! She always helps you calm down!!
5. Go rearrange your freezer product and take inventory of what's on hand. Count your colossal cookies.
6. Go to the restroom in the back of the store, on your way look at the store, the customers and the product. Think about what you'd cook or what you like that a customer is wearing as you walk away. Count the squares on the ground as you walk.
7. Think about something enjoyable. Remember a road trip, a concert, a visit and start describing it in detail to yourself.
My Distraction Plan for home...
I'm often alone. I really do stay in my room and to myself more times than not. But it's then that I think I need distraction. The last few days have absolutely been ugh. Indifferent, frustrated, annoyed. I tried to sleep a couple different times, ate far too much. But I just ugh.
1. Breathe deeply and count your breaths to 20. I want to start every plan with breathing, I do not think we stop and take enough deep breaths in general.
2. Tina! You have got to stop using food as a self-destructive behavior. If you are wanting to eat simply because of how you are feeling, drink a full glass of water, a 16 oz glass of water. Walk your ass downstairs and fill a glass and drink it.
3. If you are downstairs for water, stay there! Otherwise, take your ass downstairs and do dishes. Remove yourself from your room.
4. Go outside, sit on the back porch in the sun for 10 min. You can set a timer but sit and think about the sun, is there a breeze? Can you hear the leaves or anyone near by? Focus on everything outside going on.
5. Draw or color. You've several options.
6. JOURNAL! Get it all out, write until you can't write anymore of it.
7. Cry Tina. You are allowed to cry and need to let it out. If you need to cry, cry!
8. Snap/Text someone. Check on Jordyn, find out how your friends are. Check on Beckie. Snap Marci. You've many you can check in with!
9. Remember trips and fun experiences. Think in detail about concerts, trips to the beach, whale watching, tour favorite restaurant experiences. There are MANY you can focus on!!
10. Fucking clean your room... It ALWAYS needs cleaning!
Is this right??? I've no fucking clue haha. I do know that I'm not in as much of a funk as I was so maybe I did distract myself with my necessary blog post because I feel guilty I haven't done anything lately. I admit I sometimes feel defeated, that I'm where I am. I have to believe in myself that this time next year I'll be somewhere different with myself .. fingered crossed haha.
~~ T
No comments:
Post a Comment