Why did I decide to do a blog? Ultimately it was to help myself, but I also wanted to be able to help others in my process in anyway possible, even if it is just by seeing and reading about mine. I am already trying to control the amount I say and share and I don’t want to hold anything back, it would defeat my purpose. We do not have to hide but we do have to be aware and work on our selves to be a better person. That is important to me, to be a better person.
In Oct 2018 I reached out to my doctor for help. By this time I had already been hurting myself rather steadily, I would eventually breakdown and go to “him” for help ( I am not here to bash anyone, my experience is mine alone and I simply am listing what happened to me. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, that is not what any of this is about simply informing). My response was always stop being dramatic, you are overreacting, everything is fine, I don’t know why you’re doing this just stop. The calls during work had become extremely overwhelming, my bosses would find me crying in hallways and coolers. I couldn’t handle trying to control and fix everything on my own, it was officially impossible and I couldn’t do it anymore. I occasionally got to drive at this time, it would be a few months later that I just became a passenger in life in far too many ways, and I was always taking different roads to find the best locations for an accident. I needed to do things via accident so that I didn’t hurt anyone. Yes people would be hurt if I was successful but it was an accident and it would not add the pain of the real reason behind it all you know. My mom would have been beyond upset but had it been an obvious suicide then I would actually break her heart and my mom is my only reason for always remaining here. I couldn’t beak her heart as well, so I searched. It was already icy out so I just had to find the right path. Now there were several times I would just spiral and take off and several times it almost just happened. When I reached out I had realized I was going to be successful and I still couldn’t handle hurting my mom. She didn’t deserve that pain so I had to do something for myself because well… I didn’t matter. I now realize that communication is not always received, if one of us is unable to comprehend or understand what is being communicated then that attempt to communicate will be unsuccessful. He will never understand why I had to leave, the damage that was done (by us both) nor that by dropping me so far led me to completely facing myself and deciding to survive. I made it through my Father, Brother and Grandmother (recently realized and uncovered) and first husband for that matter, he was not going to be the reason I was successful at ending my life. No one gets to drop me that far and never will again. The thing that bothers me the most is not that I was dropped but that I let it happen, I literally had faith in someone, I fucking loved him and put everything I was into us. I dealt with the best friend that was there before I even married him, I let her be present from the start and I now know that is because I still didn’t believe that I deserved better. Everything involving him was a first. My 1st marriage should not have happened, we were babies and just didn’t know better. It was hard, but really it was like a jr. high relationship in my case. Now I didn’t have one then, nor did I in high school. My first ex hubs was my only boyfriend at 19 and I married him. I did not have dates, relationships, nothing. I spent 15 years with him and 5 months after my divorce 2nd showed up love bombing me. Everything out of his mouth was about how sexy, beautiful, etc I was. I had never ever had attention like this ever, like daily messages, ALL day. How could I not fall for this man and I did and I just embraced every aspect included his bff being included in the package. It wasn’t said but thinking back there was no question that they were a package deal and I was just not strong enough to handle is once I realized it. I had never put faith in someone before, well the only person would have been the first because I didn’t date. I did have a friend during the year before 2nd and I decided to be serious but we were friends that saw each other once a month, definitely not a relationship with distinct lessons that we need to experience and learn from. That went down a rabbit hole that I was not planning on. Needless to say every single experience with him was a first for me. I was 36 when we started talking, 36 before someone actively came to me and rained so much attention on me that I fell hard and gave everything I had because I didn’t know any better. The more I gave the more I was worth to keep, I obviously know better now.. I think. I still feel that the more I can give the more I am worth to have around but I can acknowledge that is not true and I will see that as I work on myself.
If you are still reading… Thank you. I warned about my tangents but also I feel like it’s all necessary information. So I see my doctor, now when I did this I told myself that I will be honest with my doctor. I came for help and not being honest does me no good, I still feel this way and I have added being honest with myself to this way of thinking. Working on yourself will do no good if you can’t be honest with yourself. I will always take responsibility for my own damage and I definitely did damage and I regret the last year because all I did was damage us both more but I really had no idea what to do or how to deal with it all, I had never been through an actual break up.. I was terrified. My doctor started me on both Depression and Anxiety medication, after we talked I had asked why now. Why can’t I handle this? She told me that I have been balancing depression my entire life based on the information given to her and that I had finally hit my breaking point, but I did come to her and that is what mattered. She then had me set up my first therapy appointment. She was present to ensure I did do it and I was rescheduled to be back in the next week.
I do not remember that first therapist name, I can see her and I truly feel bad given the me she had to deal with. I cried and screamed so much, ever single visit the entire hour. I picked, I scratched, I pulled at stands of my hair (I pulled my hair out a lot.. I often took him handfuls but the same response was always said. I also stayed close to hair lines so it wasn’t very noticeable and it was winter and I love beanies) she got the completely unraveling T. I need you to understand that I almost never got to drive myself to therapy, I was already becoming a solid passenger and would be picked up and drop off by either him or his bff because she got to use my vehicle more than I did (but I did let that happen). I had an hour of complete chaos and tears to put my face back on and get in the truck and say.. yeah I am fine. It was obvious that I didn’t matter and I was already learning to just be quiet because I was never actually listened to or heard.
My second visit to my therapist found me receiving the The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook on loan. As I open it now, I have highlights to page 23, but I did none of the exercises. I could make excuses as to why but I wasn’t ready, plain and simple. My therapist retired during 2020 and I was unable to return it, I have since kept it visual as a reminder I needed to use it.
12/2021 I finally applied for HIP saw my doctor and told her I really needed a therapist. She agreed, gave me a list and informed me that most have a very long wait time and ti book several until you find the earliest available. I saw my therapist for the first time in 03/22, I am not quite at a year yet. That first visit led to weekly visits and she gave me photocopies of two chapters from a book that she anted me to read. I was grateful as I really wanted to work on myself.
I waited a couple days and started reading the pages and I recognized them, and thus realized that I had the book. Mind you.. I had it for 3 years and I am finally opening it up. But I am still just typing an insanely long introduction and not working on the actual book itself, I just really want everyone to have the necessary knowledge around why I am doing this now. Sometimes things just hit a wall and we finally realize we can crush it, in my case I am not one to crush because I am afraid of everything for some reason but I am facing that fear and that is a great forward step. I will chip sometimes and crush sometimes but I will destroy that wall. I will not waste what I did, I will catch my life as it comes down from my toss. I will no longer be a victim, I am a survivor but I no longer need survivor mode.
Being given those photocopies felt important to me. Two different therapists at two very different times in my life felt this book was necessary and I have taken to paying attention to the universe and not dismissing signs. Enough things have happen for the good to show me that I made the right decision. I won’t dismiss this book coming back into my view. I also feel that if it can help me then maybe it can help others too so why not use it with a blog. I’ve had Marlo tell me I should write it all out and well.. here I am. Writing it all out and there will be no flow because I have no flow, this will be like my taste in music all over the place and I may even include experiences and ways I am taking chances and facing fears. I will share my journey and everything that has gotten me here.
~~ T
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