Diagnosis Babble

I'm 20 min early for therapy, I just left my Dr and now have a script for Adderall. 

About a month ago I was diagnosed with ADHD, two weeks ago level 1 Autism. I am struggling with it. Not that I have the diagnosis but where would I be had this been discovered sooner. I truly just expected everyone to be right; I'm overdramatic, oversensitive, weird, lazy, etc. I'd be in therapy for 10 yrs to repair myself and maybe have a typical life like it was supposed to be. 

Not two failed marriages, not a waste of an entire adult life, not living in my friends home while trying to work on my mental health so I can become a true independent person. What might I have been able to do had I been seen. 

But I'm a woman and women barely matter now and we definitely didn't matter then. I've read some articles that were given to me last week after my snap. I absolutely cracked and I've not been able to fully tuck anything back into place as I need to. It's all still spiraling everywhere, or at least that's how it feels. 

I see it in everything and I never realized how much I masked. I think about it and it's just that I wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted to be asked out like everyone else, I wanted to have normal experiences like everyone else but that didn't happen. Even masking did me no good, I was still unapproachable except for my friends that I've had with me forever. I'm so grateful for them because they just accepted me for my weirdness but they don't understand. Well, they're trying. I have to explain and remind of situations so they can stop and see. But they're not dissing it and that helps. I feel like having a diagnosis helped them hear me because I wasn't just being dramatic. It meant it was real. I even had to explain to Mom but man it was nice cause she listened and I appreciated that so much. 

I've learned that though I knew very little, so many know even less and it's hard. It's like depression, unless you experience it you simply don't understand and so many simply dismiss it. 

I started this a week ago, my Adderall is not able to be filled because of a shortage so we're still waiting. I find myself just letting whatever happens happen and then try to determine which of my issues it is. I think I still have some delusion that I'll be able to control it if I can figure it out. I mean I know I'm wrong but I see that's what I'm trying to do. It doesn't matter that I know it's still happening haha.. that's what sucks most I think. Knowing and still not being able to do anything about it. 

~T