Little Steps...

I really am damn proud of myself. I give all of me to no one, it's too much. But fuck I am proud of myself. 

I shared this image on IG/FB last night. I've thought about this specific blog and my next workbook post for a few days; in fact I had planned the possibility over the weekend. 

Why didn't it happen over the weekend? I went to see Matt. Had he had to work Saturday I would have blogged, that was my intent. Alas, he did not work and I did not blog, nor did I journal so obviously my DBT Skills Workbook stayed in my bag untouched. I acknowledged to myself that if this is to keep moving and I want it to continue that means I need to be doing the work 99% of the time. I'll leave 1% for fucking off, but seriously. Twice I sat on the couch, mindlessly scrolling IG (I prefer IG because my feed is filled with food and lots of empowerment and growth posts) and watching Matt on his drums or guitar. I could have very easily journaled and watched or even drew. I took my pencils and sketchbook too because I've decided when I'm there without him I can be working on me and not using the excuse of "I'm away" to mindlessly scroll and watch movies.  I will only get so far if I continue to move at a slow pace. 

I went into this knowing it'd take work and time, I still acknowledge that it will take both work and time but I have to admit I used this as an excuse as well. I've been thinking about that lately as well as noticing things about myself that I love, but I'll cover the second part shortly. 

I absolutely get overwhelmed with things and my focus is a hot fucking mess, but there are so many times I'm just laying in bed saying I should but I don't. Alicia once said to me "I don't want you to get comfortable and slip into old habits" and that laziness, that's what I'm calling it because that's how I see it, is absolutely an original Tina habit. I'll do it eventually and if I don't it'll just fade away. But that's not what I want. That's not what I desire for myself. I didn't do what I did to not finish. I will not waste throwing my life into the air. 

That said, I'm also curious AF regarding where Matt and I could go or even are headed and I do not want myself stunted because I'm not properly working on my shit. He and this were extremely unexpected and yet it's fucking wonderful. I have to actively keep myself in check because it's completely new to me and I'm on a serious healing/growth journey that I want both to benefit and neither be negatively affected by the other.  I had told myself that if anything ever happened again I'd be sure I worked on my shit so that, at least on my end, I could try to form a healthy relationship. I also said I'd never do this again, but I'm going to simply dismiss that completely right now haha. I feel too unexpectedly wonderful to even think that way; but also this process has made me view so much differently that I can no longer say I feel the way I did when I started this journey and I think that is definitely worth noting. 

i let my "Friend" derail me, I wasted far more energy than I should have and that entire situationship will eventually be addressed. I acknowledged the realization in therapy today and I definitely chose not to work on things when I definitely should have. That all changed with that single text and now I know how important it is to find balance and continue to work on my shit as I should.

To be honest, I've noticed a good bit about myself this last month. I walk without slouching more often and I will often correct myself when I catch I am not.  I'll catch myself walking like I'm hiding and I'll say to myself to stand up and own yourself. And I'll straighten up and walk with my face up, not down looking at the ground. I feel comfortable in clothes I've never ever felt comfortable in. I actually feel like I have confidence, not often but I actually... Feel it at times and it's just bizarre. It's nothing I've ever felt about myself and to realize that I feel this way, even a little bit simply blows my mind. I am just in awe that I truly am changing myself, I am actually making a difference. 

When is realized I had to leave, it was 10/13/2019 (it's amazing what my brain will lete remember given most things are lost but I remember so many details..) and I had therapy and it was the last therapist I had at Purdue. She'd introduced herself and she asked a few questions and I looked at her and said "I'm 99% sure I need to leave my husband." She looked at me and I said " I need to leave my husband, I don't know how to do it because I'm trapped" as I explained things she looked at me and said something along the lines of "you're not trapped. You are entangled, deeply entangled but not trapped" she set out to help me change the way I spoke, helped me change words and how I speak to myself in many ways. That day she had me start writing three things I am and three things I did each day. I do this still, every single day and I plan to never stop. I had stopped for 3 months in 2020 and my depression set in deeper. Once I noticed it, I picked back up and I have not stopped since. If I miss a day, I still write it and go over the day for what I did. Seeing that I am actually viewing myself differently, when I see pictures and look in the mirror, it's almost like I see myself for the first time. Every now and then it truly feels that way and I smile, because I know the difference and feel the difference. 

Seeing these changes made me realize that my work is actually making a difference, even if others don't see it. I see it, I feel it. Every day is not great; some days are extremely overwhelming and feel impossible to deal with, but I no longer think of hating my existence, In fact I don't view it that way much at all anymore. I do know that I lost sight of why I was doing this, I let my vision blur for another person and again moved myself to the bottom of my own priority list. 

It took me two years and two attempts to leave. It's taken almost four years to finally see the work I've been doing and I can see that I could have been working harder. I deserve the hard work and my future self and relationship(s) deserve it as well. All of this and I'm still most proud of catching myself walking confidently, face up facing the world instead of keeping my eyes on the ground. 

~~ T