The Mental Toughness Handbook

I actually started this Book early January. I set out to do so much and be do productive and determined, instead I'm in a space of negativity and wanting to give up when I know I should absolutely not. BUT I am absolutely in a defeated state of mind, questioning why I did and am doing this. It's usually at this point that I end up on some off tangent where I think I'm explaining but I'm also just whining and I've been feeling extra pity party lately and am not going to feed into it. 

I do this from my phone, I admit I do not site right but I will always state what I'm using and where it is. And so I start with the front cover of the book I started on Kindle. I know my head is a darkish place, truly. Not a hurt myself place but my depression has definitely taken it's hold. It was a nice space for a little bit but I'm overwhelmed with fear and panic about the things I need to finally do and so since I'm stuck on my DBT workbook I am making myself restart this book. 

Mental toughness is not something we are born with, it's something we develop as we grow, which means all of us can do it if we are willing to commit to the process (pg. 11).  Ironically (because I am obviously trying to read this book) the reason so many do not develop mental toughness is because it requires hard work, patience as well as frustratiobs. It is uncomfortable. 

The simple definition of Mental Toughness is durability in the face of Adversity. Mental Toughness is broken down further:

First - we look at our reaction to stress.

Second - our responses to our emotions.

Third- it involves our Resilience.

Fourth- it involves our grit. 

Grit and Mental Toughness are not the same thing. "Grit is an attribute that defines our inclination to preserve in adverse circumstances." Mental Toughness is a state of mind, defines our "attitudinal durability" in adverse circumstances, it describes our general outlook (pg.13). 

My "attitudinal durability" I feel like we can all just take a moment and laugh. Anyone who knows me knows my outlook is never on the positive or optimistic side, or it never was. That is something I am desperately trying to change, I say desperately because I feel my old self present, the Tina who just wants to blame and be a victim and Damn it I CANNOT be the same person I was! I refuse to be a victim but damn it when I can't open my mouth or believe in myself how the fuck am I not?? It's frustrating to know that my inability to open my mouth is tied to disabilities because that tells me it will never change, it will always be an issue. I'm literally planning to try to get drunk so I can talk this upcoming weekend. I need to be able to speak and I shut the fuck down. So I'll try liquid courage and hope I can communicate. 

My current "general outlook" is questionable. I'm frustrated with myself on many fucking levels, overwhelmed by my own frustrations and fears and feel my depression heavy because I've been sick and everything just engulfed me. 

Grit is an important necessity in developing mental toughness; Grit is what helps us keep our responses to negative emotions regulated. Grit gives us the confidence that we need to focus on "achievement instead of our fear of failure"(pg.14). There is an obvious reason grit has never been a word I've used regarding myself or even in my vocabulary other than using the word grits but definitely not the same haha. 

I have never had confidence, let me say never before. I have more confidence in one aspect of myself but it is not all of myself. I finally see that I have worth and am pretty and that helps me stand up straight and own myself, but that's my outter shell. In fact it baffles me that my physical appearance is where I have confidence and no where else. I don't understand how I can talk to myself about the things I could do employment wise and be so terrified of even looking. I have TWO failed marriages, TWO bankruptcies, I have degrees that I've done nothing with because I simply cannot will myself to even attempt to update my resume because I am fucking terrified and for what reason!? Like, I get so mad at myself and I literally cannot do it. I am 47 and as far as I am concerned I have failed in every attempt to be a proper adult. I live in my friends house and have nothing to show for my 47 yrs but things I don't use because I did just enough to appear successful and now everyone can see that I am not. I am terrified that I threw my life up into the air to only once again fail at whatever it is I am attempting to do. The fear is fucking overwhelming AF but I did make myself restart this book I was supposed to continue and make myself blog because I do not like feeling this way. I will not dismiss my own feelings like others have dismissed me but damn it I will not fucking wallow in it either. I'm fucking terrified and all I can do is see what happens and it fucking sucks. 

~T~

The DBT Skills workbook: Identify Your Higher Power... And Make Yourself Feel More Powerful

Let's see.. 

I've been sick for 7 days. I went back to my Dr yesterday and after a full round and a half I already feel better. The steroids are likely giving me a major headache but I will deal with it cause I can breathe and not cough like I was haha. 

We currently have no Internet. I finally feel well enough to want to watch something and there's an outage hahaha.. big fu there... so I took a nap. Still not Internet so that means no movie, no TV, no music, just silence and the noises of those who've come home. ** And boom it's back and instead I spent the last hour mindlessly scrolling. Why... it's easier than addressing the chapter I just titled. 

"Whether you believe in God, many Gods, a Divine Universe, or the goodness that exists within each human being, having faith in something bigger and more powerful than yourself can often make you feel empowered, safe, and calm."(DBT Skills Workbook pg. 39).  I have struggled with faith my entire life. I went to church every Sunday, I loved spending the night with my Great Grandma and then going to church. I knew everyone, well every adult, I'd get there early and talk to Pastor Bob, my Great Aunt Janice often sang so I often watched her rehearse. My Bible class teacher was June, a sweet older lady I loved talking to. I always connected with adults better than kids my age. I went with my friends and always filled out the visitor cards. As I grew I started noticing things and finally I was old enough to be with the teenagers! I was 15 and I showed up and the girls were dressed very scantily, mini skirt, thigh high boots.. not what I was taught was appropriate for church. At the time that is. I'd had this respect I assumed everyone had. I watched and it wasn't church, it was flirting and it felt just like school. I started noticing how people, all those I knew, preached one thing but did the opposites. I knew all of them and watched the hypocrisy. I never went back. That was my last willing visit to Church. I don't believe in saying one thing and bring another. I try to be real however I can, even if I can't open my mouth to speak. 

I was always drawn to Witchcraft, I'd written a great paper in 8th grade and all my sources were Christian based. I got my first deck of tarot cards for Christmas that year. But I never really followed a path. I was too worried I would do everything wrong, I wanted someone to guide me and I'd buy books and still I can't say there was any faith involved. 

When my first marriage was falling apart I wanted to focus on me and I set out to walk my path. I bought a book I loved for my Book of Shadows and and went back to reading and learning or trying to. I still couldn't fully walk. I couldn't figure out what I believed so that I could practice and find faith. I do not believe in an all powerful being.

Humans are both good and evil. We choose often how to be, I do not always think it's a choice. Our minds and chemistry have more control over our bodies than we think we do and I believe those truly evil simply are. So an all powerful being is simply not something I can put faith into. Especially not a being that humans use to hate and hurt others. 

I've started to see the Universe as all encompassing. We're all energy and that energy creates. What we put out comes back to us, we do good we get good back. Karma is absolutely present. I have experienced her strong hand and no doubt I am currently. My inability to keep moving forward is absolutely effecting my belief in myself and If I can't believe in myself I can't fully believe in something I can't grasp. The Universe is where I'm drawn lately, in this entire experience? Path? I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for but I also have no idea how to even put faith or belief into it when I question so much. Why shouldn't we question? We're supposed to but in questions we then find doubt and doubt defeats purposes. 

As much as I opened this book, intent to knock a section out I'm now faced with uncertainty and how to even move forward with it because I cannot answer the questions waiting for me. 

"What are some of your beliefs about higher power or a big picture that give you strength and comfort?"  I do not have anything for this. I'm in a constant battle of even believing I'm doing this for the better, that this will even actually make a difference in the 20 years I might have left. 

The questions continue with "Why are they important to you", "How do these beliefs make you feel" all questions I cannot answer. 

I've spent my life not wanting to be here, detesting my existence, wishing I didn't exist and wishing I was strong enough to end myself. I couldn't, which in a way I see that as weakness. I was too afraid of pain, too afraid of hurting others. I always care about others more, how I effect them and the pain I would bring to them so I suffered. There was nothing that kept me going, I'd try prayer.. and it's just robotic. To the Gods and Goddess's but never helped, never made any difference except that I'd hope to only have hope crushed. So I just don't really have answers, to any of this.

I don't think I expected Spirituality to be part of this work book, I feel like spirituality is linked directly to religion and I didn't anticipate behavior therapy to involve religion I guess. Is Spirituality something I need? Yes. It's been on my list of trying to continue to figure out, hoping it would make me feel better, more connected to others. But none of it feels like it fits right? I feel like I'm constantly grasping regarding it and do not know how to take that fact. What it means, I just keep trying. So I've absolutely no idea how to handle this damn section at all. 

Expectations... fucking everywhere for fucking everything. 

~T~

WTF T...

Seriously.. WTF. It's September.. 14th. I've put off blogging about anything. I'm sick currently and I'm hoping finally on the upswing to better than worse. But WTF is really all I have for myself. 

I hate that I can't voice all that's in my head; the confrontations, the confidence, the ability to fucking say no. Here I am.. still being only if use if I've something to give. Rides.. meds.. cooking. I'm not good enough for me but only what I can provide because people know I can't say no. 

Just like this, I can put all this here but is it truly beneficial. I honestly find myself saying more and wanting to use names because I truly think, other than Marci, it's not going to be read. 

I want to be in my own, honestly I want to be away. Like Sleeping with the Enemy haha...change my name, go away and just be alone. But that requires money and I was blessed with sarcastic humor instead of a rich family. I work for a shit company with no security, I won't make enough to live anywhere that won't get me killed. 

Then I think about the fact that I've never been on my own, never. I've had two failed marriages, two bankruptcies.. I couldn't be successful with two incomes how the fuck do I think I will with one and making the shit money our society accepts as ok!? Like, I question why I bother to continue to fight. I'm realistic and I honestly cannot see much happiness in me trying to do what I am. 

Fuck men, I'm not dealing with this shit again if I can ever get this over with. I am not whole enough in myself to deal with them and they're fucking too much drama. I don't even think I want sex anymore. It's not fucking worth it seriously. I am not able to separate emotion from sex, sex is empty without emotion (sex with R.. fucking horrible once it happened.. horrible, but it was emotionless.. robotic.) I'll not settle for empty sex again and emotions just fuck everything up. I want my head back, even dealing with the R shit I was focused on me and now it's all fucking muddled because of M. I don't even want all that shit and yet I keep getting caught up because I need the attention. Only I at least catch myself and argue and get mad. That's a huge step ahead for me. At least I was ignoring the engulfing fear of the realization that I'm not going to be able to do what I need to. 

I desperately want my own space, I know that my depression will likely become heavy. I work hard on trying to find peace alone but that loneliness creeps in. I know that's why I continue to deal with M is when the intimacy is there during cuddling it overwhelms and I cling to it. Somehow I need to get over that so I can just be at peace with myself, I'm really just not sure it'll happen. Given my inability to be done I can't help but question what I am really working towards and why. 

This isn't even what I planned to write.. though I'm not sure I planned anything. I'm annoyed I already agreed to take T home, I don't want to deal with him either. Fuck! Like seriously ugh Fuck! I'm just frustrated and annoyed with myself.. and the shit I have toq ork around regarding myself. I liked thinking my inability to open my mouth was just fear but linked to fucking disabilities instead is infuriating. It's like the song ONE, I can scream and scream but no one hears me because I can't open my mouth. It's just in my head... everything. Just in my head.. 

~T~

Ch. 2 DBT Skills Workbook Exercise: Committed Action

The exercise following the Valued Living Questionnaire is Committed Action. This exercise is supposed to help me "create a more fulfilling life" for myself by  creating intentions and "committed actions " based on my values (pg. 37). 

I am to first separate the components I valued at 5-10, and fill in those names on the Action Worksheet on the next page (pg. 38). Once those are in place, I am then to identify one intention for each of those valued components, which will help me make my life feel more fulfilled. 

I am then to identify several actions that I am willing to commit to doing that will move me forward towards my intention. It notes that I also need to acknowledge when I'm willing to begin that commitment. 

The purpose of this activity is to fill my life "with activities that are important" to me. The final sentences on Pg. 37, before the actual exercise would previously led me to close the book and be done. "Creating a life that you value can often help you deal with other situations that are distressing and less desirable. Having a fullfilling life can give you something to look forward to when you're doing something you don't like, and it can make you feel stronger during times of distress." Instead, I'm sitting here significantly different than I ever have been wondering what it would be like if I actually felt my life was fullfilling. It's interesting and we'll see what happens haha. **I'm also aware it's going to take more than writing this blog, nothing is effortless. 

****Editing, started July 12 and just coming back to it after discussing with my therapist. She had a different version and I am going to add her updates here. It has an affect on how I do the actual activity. 

* Identify the components of your life having a high ideal of importance on my life but having a lower actual effort <--- what means the most to me but I am putting in little effort.

* Identify the components where you think you have more work to do, then fill in the names of those components on the worksheet. 

* Be as specific as you can with your actions and specify a time frame. 

This change makes it so not each important area needs more effort. Take self-care as an example. Well, I will admit that I don't always look at it as self-care and feel guilty if I take time out to just sit, unwind, smoke a little and watch a couple episodes of Futurama or Family Guy. But I actively try to remove sugar from my diet or choose to eat certain things to get it, I am working on my mental health daily, I've been trying to be more present, draw on occasion and so forth. I feel like Self-Care is actually receiving the majority of my effort at the moment; even this blog is a form of self-care. I feel this adjustment makes things a little less worrisome because I was trying to figure out how to give more to so many important areas of my life hahaha. 

Committed Actions Worksheet, pg. 38 DBT Skills Workbook. 

(1) A Component of my life that I value is: Family. I am putting this first because I've wanted to fix my relationships with my family. We are distant, we didn't learn coming together. I want a relationship with my nieces even if I'm not there. I literally have no idea how to. I don't know what to talk about, I just kinda sit on the other end of a phone trying to be involved with no idea what to say or do. It's a struggle to talk in the phone at all, with anyone but when it's important like this it's even harder. It needs to be a priority in this journey. 

    My intention for this component is: My intention is to form a relationships with my nieces and nephew, reconnect with my family including my brother and sister in laws, as well as my stepdad. 

    The committed actions that I'm willing to take include the following:

     * Texting for easy quick contact, if one of my nieces has Snapchat I'd also snap with them but I definitely can text Iris. Start texting Ashley and checking on her, try Liz as well. 

     * I want to try calling once a week, even if the calls are only for a few minutes. I just ..the fuck do I say?? Seriously. I have trouble talking to adults as it is.. 

     * I need to call Robby once a week on the way to work. He wants to talk and I should and need to. He's basically my Dad and I need to invest in that relationship. 

(2) A Component of my life that I value is: Friends and Social Life.

    My intention for this component is:  I decided to include social life because I have some friends that do trivia, go to local clubs and dj. I have wanted to go but it is really hard for me to do things alone. I keep trying but it's insanely stressful and my anxiety goes nuts but I want to keep trying. 

My Friends.. they're amazing and so many. I truly am lucky. I've had several try to connect but honestly I was not ready. I didn't want to talk about the heavy stuff because I was leaving it behind and it was my experience. I didn't want to add more opinions and I didn't want to dwell on it. I had a lot to do and deal with on top of trying to start my journey forward with my mental health. I wasn't ready to be that social. I'd actually just realized that in therapy this week, I wasn't ready but also I didn't know how to communicate that. I felt guilty and so I avoided instead. 

Now I want to repair and change this.

    The committed actions that I'm willing to take include the following:

     * Meet someone other than Lindsey and Candy for a meal or coffee once a week. (I've been thinking of the post for a couple weeks and have already set up dinner with a dear friend). 

     * Set time aside to walk with Beckie, spend more time with Beckie. Even find out if we can call each other a little. I know my issue with phones but for my people it is always worth it. 

    

 * Start using my Calendar on my phone to set alerts to remind me to check in on friends and get in contact. This will help my forgetfulness. 

(3) A Component of my life that I value is: Spirituality and Religion 

    My intention for this component is: Start reading my fucking books! I have two I got just for this journey, Witchcraft for Healing and one on Shadow Work. I really want to be more Spiritual and I have constantly struggled to find my path and walk it. Pieces feel right but nothing fully pulls me anywhere and I feel the desire to be spiritual. 

    The committed actions that I'm willing to take include the following:

     * Start using my Tarot Cards, pull cards twice a week, set an alert on your calendar app. 

     * Dedicate at least 30 min to reading 1 of the two books, 3x a week. 

     * Be more active in the new Spirituality group on FB since I know some members. Connecting can help open more up and I am sure I could use connecting. Also helps me see how others practice and see the different paths of others. We learn from each other. I will check the group at least twice a week and interact on no less than 5 posts. 

(4) A Component of my life that I value is: Ugh.. Fuck Man- Work. This is absolutely my plateau. I'm fucking terrified of looking and leaving. As much as I hate it, it's easy. I know what I do and it's cake but fuck this company. I work for a deplorable company that treats us like shit, no training, not enough employees and I recently realized that they only strive for the bare minimum to meet expectations and only to a point. They expect mediocre work and damn it my work is not mediocre! I am not mediocre! Yet I can not bring myself to take any actions to look for anything, it literally makes me feel panicked and I hate that feeling. I'm listing it because I KNOW it's important I'm just .. ugh. 

    My intention for this component is: My first step intent is my resume.

    The committed actions that I'm willing to take include the following:

     * Find my damn resume

     * Determine if I can even update it with my iPad, if not decide where you will then update it. You gave a couple options regarding people with computers. 

     * Update your resume, get help so I sell yourself correctly. I am much more than the position I hold at my job, I am not mediocre and I need help showing that. 

     * Decide where you want to do,  is food completely out. Can you fake pee? Can you dry up long enough to drug test? Are you really considering school and changing fields completely??? So very much to think about!! But you can spend time thinking about it and journaling about it as well. 

I am starting with four. I feel the overwhelming urge to continue and lust them all but I know that will overwhelm me and I want to learn proper balance in my life. So here is my start. I will have all started and/or going by Sept. 1, 2023. 

~~ T

Dear Me- Love Letters to My Inner Child..

I really did have huge intentions of being further in all of my books than I am and after my last therapy visit I am revisiting the first chapter in my DBT Skills Workbook as I feel I misunderstood some of the exercises. Either way it was necessary to do more and since I'm at M's and he's had to work I am making sure I do some work! 

First... The Self-Esteem Checklist. Green I try to do daily/routinely and actively remind myself, pink I am trying to get to a daily/routine and the few yellow are difficult and I know I need to start including them. 

the yellow are significantly deep to me but I'll get this whole page green eventually! 

Page 4... A recipe we all need to follow...

The next Exercise...

 The exercise... I was reading my first one and I really wasn't nice to myself? I feel like I wrote it like it was bad that I don't remember thinking that way. I noted on the back that I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism lvl 1, and not day dreaming like other kids is common. I am simply different like so many others. 

Knowing this now, I'll write it knowing it's just me...

As I sit here and think about this, again I feel like it is difficult to say I remember ever thinking about what to be when I grew up. I remember making mud pies out of mud, mayo and sprinkles. I remember wanting an Easy Bake oven for years and I loved baking, but never did I consider that a future. 

In 9th grade I remember loving science, it was honestly my favorite classes always. I'd told my dad once that I wanted to be a physical scientist (I was in love with my Physical Science class.. absolutely my favorite class). He actually laughed at me and said "How about you reach for something more attainable." I don't recall ever saying those words again. By the end of high school I was looking to go into child psychology but I realized while taking some classes it was not the right field for me. (Now I wish I'd stuck with Psychology, especially while on this journey but I guess this journey wouldn't be here if I had). To be honest I just assumed I'd be a wife and mother eventually. Sitting here twice divorced and unable to have children I guess that assumption was very wrong hahaha. 

I feel like this isn't much but my childhood really wasn't like everyone else's I guess. I'm ok with that as I learn about myself now. 

~~ T

The DBT Skills Workbook Ch. 2..

I've yet again been procrastinating... But not because I didn't want to do it but because I'm just stuck. 

Ch. 2- Advanced Distress Tolerance Skills: Improve the Moment starts off with "Safe-Place Visualization" and I've read it at least twice, as well as "Cue-Controlled Relaxation" which directly follows the first. I cannot visualize, at least not now. Some memories are insanely vivid but I can't put myself in a peaceful place, I can't put myself anywhere haha. My head refuses to do so. And so I did two other random blogs while trying to decide what to do with this section. I can't just stop the book, so I've decided to skip it and I'll take it with me to therapy later today. 

The next Section is "Rediscover Your Values" and just reading the title I'm thinking to myself what are they to me? I've often let those slide that have distasteful qualities because of years of friendship. I've dismissed qualities and beliefs that go against mine, should I do that? Should I accept those qualities from others or should I distance myself? Definitely something I need to be thinking about and how those individuals affect me. 

"Remembering what you value in life can be a very powerful way to help you tolerate a stressful situation." The third sentence, pg 35, made me think a little. I am not sure I've really valued anything enough to make an impact other than my Mother. She's the only reason I've never gone through with anything because I never want to add that kind of pain to her. She would never understand and I simply never want to hurt her like that. She's absolutely only reason I am still here but can I really not have had any other values?? At least that matter enough to make an impact on myself?? 

"Sometimes we forget why we're doing something that's hard, and this makes it difficult for us to continue." Also pg. 35, is an understatement man. Lately, especially with work, I have to remind myself often why I'm dealing with that shit and even with where I am. I have to remember not to waste this opportunity and I kind of feel like I have. I have wasted a lot of money lately, money I should have put away. I have to remember why I'm doing this and maybe this section will help me determine my actual values. 

The first Exercise is explained on Pg 35 and listed on page 36. I given a Valued Living Questionnaire that I'm to rate in importance in my life, regardless of how much time and effort I put into them. My rating is 0-10 with zero being not important at all and 10 being extremely important. I'm going to list each question and my rating, I'll try to explain why I rated it that way as well. 

Life Component: 

1. Family (other than romantic relationships or parenting)-  my family: Mom, Brothers (I will say both because, regardless, I love B but that relationship will likely never change as I will not accept disrespect anymore), Stepdad, nieces, nephew, Sister in Laws.. family.. is going to be a 10. I may not speak to them often, have the relationships I'd like to have with them but they are of top importance to me. My Mommy is absolutely the reason I am and will remain present in this existence. 

2. Romantic Relationships (marriage, life partners, dating, etc.)- This one is difficult for me. I am doing this because I left my second failed marriage. I left with no intent of ever being romantically involved again. Sex but I didn't want feelings or attachment. Yet here I am, seeing M and definitely having feelings and wanting to see what happens. I also want this healthy, for both of us. I didn't throw my life into the air to not finish what I started and that growth will help in the future with healthy relationships. Marci felt that my Romance falls more closely with my tops and I guess given the current situation I will place it at 

A 7-8. It is important to me that we continue and grow and I'll put in the work I can but it is not my main focus at the moment <---- typing "at the moment" made me think about if I was supposed to think in general or present and chose to go with the present. That said she is very right. My relationships- with both ExH's .. shit even R if I want to admit it to myself - were always my top priority, their happiness and well-being always mattered the most... So maybe I should place it as a 9 because.. ugh I don't want to say a 10 haha. I am going to learn balance! 

3. Parenting - well... I do not have children, I was unable to do this particular life Component really does not pertain to me. 

4. Friends and Social Life-  I do not lump Friends and Social life together. I do not go to bars or clubs. When I did at 18-21 it was literally with the people I went with. I do not "Socialize" like most people and that will probably never change. That said, my Friends are also going to be a 10. 2020 really showed me just how lucky I was and how blessed I was with my friends. I have so many absolutely amazing people in my life, Best Friends I've had for 20+ years, multiple best friends. I do not get to put nearly the time I need to into most of my friendships but they each mean the world to me and I will do what I can for every single one of them. 

5. Work- Talking to Marci.. I can't deny that work is a very high priority for me. I have to work and I somehow need to make more money because I have to be able to survive and I want to enjoy it... I even admit I wish I had the energy and ambition to work a second job. So I tragically have to put work at definitely an 8-9. 

6. Education and Training - As I started thinking and rating I realized how very important education and training is. I've considered even going back to school. I still try to ensure people I work with can learn more and take new skills with them even if I'm not leading them directly. We have to learn to grow and growth really is necessary. I am trying to see challenges and failings as lessons learned. I enjoyed teaching when I did in the Bakeshop at Purdue, the right time in life I would have gone that route had I realized how much I enjoyed it. As I was talking with Marci I realized that Education and Training is probably a 10 for me, I absolutely can never learn enough and I will always share what I know. 

7. Recreation and Fun- tragically I feel this is one of my lowest ratings.. as much as I try to get in fun activities like concerts, I do not plan things like this often. This year I have a few planned because I ended planning with M. I was giving myself 3 concerts this year. I feel like this falls into a 5-6, my life is not recreational 😂. It's lazy for the most part, I do like to have fun but I mean.. who has tons of time for it? 

8. Spirituality and Religion- try as I might, I've tried to make Spirituality and Religion important to me. I've tried to find my path but I simply can never put enough care to actually move forward in a path. I have begun to find faith in my belief and putting my energy into trusting the Universe and I'm determined to continue to do so and try to find my path. I'll give this a 7-8. 

9. Citizenship and Community Life- I don't care about Citizenship, truly. I hate that we have borders and that human life is so dismissed. Community life, I think it's for some people and not for some. I am not involved in any community, I wouldn't even know how to be. I also do not add to anything bad. I just try to be a good human. This falls probably at 4.. I will fight for rights if needed, do not assume this means I'll watch terrible things and look away. I will not. 

10. Self-care (Exercise, diet, relaxation, etc)- This one I was ready to dismiss but in all honesty, Self-care is a 10. Literally this blog is self-care. I actively choose sugar free when I can and often simply for the health benefits. I try to stay aware of my eating because I need to be aware of what I put in my mouth. I typically have therapy weekly, and that's for my well-being in every way. I guess for the first time in my life I'm truly working on myself in many ways because I never really have and have decided I am worth the work and effort. That made me realize that I obviously place Self-care extremely high as I'm putting in some kind of activity daily regarding it. Thinking of it that way, I can't possibly pick a lower number to rate this with. 

**written about 11:30am** I'm sitting here, list typed out and I'm just stumped. I was sure as I started reading the section that I was going to knock this section out, pat myself on the back "woohoo T!! You got a blog and section done quickly!!" Instead, I've messaged Marci absolutely stumped because the only one I can actually rate is parenting and it simply doesn't matter because I was not able to have children so obviously parenting is useless to me. But when I think about the other items I've no idea how to rate them, no idea how they matter to me. Like Work, that's a requirement. Not working is not an option. Working gives you an income so you can live, life isn't free and I cannot just live on the street. It's required. How do we rate a requirement? It's a necessity. Like this blog. Technically I'd say it's Self-care, I'm doing this for my benefits. It's not relaxing, it's not fucking enjoyable. I'm highly annoyed sitting here trying to figure out how to rate these life components and wondering how to determine their importance in my existence. I truly need to remember that in my life, nothing ys easy, it's a fucking fight every damn time.**

**1:00pm.. as I started eating I am now realizing I'm doing an all or nothing haha.. I've placed 10 on a couple and I feel like that can't be right hahaha*** 

1:30pm, I've finally rated all 10 Life Components and now I'm wondering if I have too many that are high and I've just never been able to balance anything .. did I over think them? Under think them?? It's been two full weeks without therapy. I cancelled them so I could be away with M. Typically I'm overwhelmed and have so much to go at her with but I'm actually thinking my Workbook will go with me and we'll look at this and the exercise before it. 

The next Exercise is a Committed action plan regarding this Questionnaire and I definitely think I'll talk it all out with my therapist. Maybe she'll help me think differently about how I rated them, or if that even matters and I am once again over thinking haha. I will start that blog but I will speak with her first, I've questions man. Questions! 

I'd also like to note how my head jumped as soon as I started reading values, nothing I wondered about in the start had anything to do with what was needed from me for this exercise. I really need to stop assuming before I fully read something. I've started breaking down paragraphs and this definitely defeats my purpose! I realized this as I was rereading to fix any mistakes from my fast typing haha. 

~~ T

People Pleasing.. or Spectrum...

I'm sitting here and definitely not in the headspace I was in in the start. 

I showered and wanted to try on some shorts with fishnets, my white shorts to be specific. I had a visual and was curious and damn it worked.. 3 shirts later and they all work. And get that is not why I'm here, why I'm starting this blog and probably won't finish it unless I can just spit it out and be done, but that's rarely what happens because tangents and me go hand in hand. 

Anyway.. I tried them on and I'm feeling great and I laid down and we got to talking. 

Covered several random things but we got on the topic of physical touch and I had to tell him, had to, about my past. About how I went from so much attention to nothing. How that affected me and how much it means to me that he'll just take my hand, that he likes to cuddle and touch. I didn't grow up with touch, we didn't hug. I got those from my other families, Marlo & Mirm. If I had to put in a time frame I'd say I've been touch starved since April 2018 and he's no idea how much more I could take. Even the random shit with R, he wouldn't touch me and it is absolutely why I started pulling away and trying to stop things. I cannot be with a person who doesn't want to touch me, I cannot. 

But this is not the reason I'm blogging at this moment. I've aquired a headache and my mood has definitely taken a shift towards the blah. 

I'm not even sure how it came up but I brought up how I watch and learn my people. Everyone of any kind of importance. I learn, I watch, I pay attention. Maybe that's the issue, I pay too much attention??  I'd mentioned how I grabbed a cup for Alicia and realized it was a big glass, she uses a small glass. I'd sat it down and commented to her that it should be a smaller glass and then I said .. "and you're a half glass, half small glass person." She looked up at me and was like.. how did you know that?? I was like I pay attention? It's important to know my people so I do. It wasn't until then, like a week ago I guess, that I realizedhow much I did this. I can still tell you what ExH1 ate, what he wanted on his burgers, what he hated, all of it. I can do that about exh2 also. I can do this with like my friends. I'm constantly thinking of everyone and what I can do to make their lives better in some way. I remember once we were talking about parking and how it bothers me that people don't pay attention. She should be parked in front of the gate, Frank next and everyone else wherever. It's called respect to me. She's alpha and should always have the prime location to park. She'd looked at me and was like, what? It's first come first serve. I said oh yeah I'll never park in those locations unless I'm stopping for 5 min to leave, I see them as yours. She had eventually said "I don't want to hurt your feelings but I do not think of you all the time" and I was like, of course not I don't expect anyone to. As I was telling him about this and how I don't want to change everything about me because I like my kindness. I started thinking, do I do this because of my people pleasing? Did I pay so much attention to others so that I was worth any of they're attention? Did I continue to pay attention so much that I didn't even realize that's what I was doing to ensure everyone was satisfied? I can't even say happy but satisfied. 

I used to try to earn money from my GMA when I was young, Jr. High thru 10th grade. I cleaned, or I tried to. I never was able to do any chore well enough once, I typically had to redo it three times and at that point it was always with a sigh that she'd say it was as good as it will get. When we spent weekends there I always had to clean before I could go see friends or do anything. I redid those kitchen cabinets every freaking visit it felt like but it was my job, it was expected and it was expected to never be good enough. 

Did I start paying such close attention because of trauma?? 

When I was first given my ADHD and Autism diagnosis I started thinking about things I know I do tried to drop them in one place or another and I'd thought about the details I collect and just thought ... Man that sounds Autistic like.. but now I really wonder if it's people pleasing... On an insanely deep level. 

I mentioned it to Marci and she did point out that food is my love language. It's important to me, you should experience food and I want to serve deliciousness to everyone but I have to know what they like and how they like it so I can best prepare for them. That sounds sweet and loving but I still can't help but wonder if the fact that in the almost 3 months I've been.. seeing? Matt I've already been collecting and learning. I say it's because it's what I know, I don't know anything else to do but I can kitchen you know. But I'm concerned that I'm already collecting for the wrong reasons? I don't want to people please. I want to be kind and helpful but I want to be authentic. How do I figure out what is genuine and what is my people pleasing and what might actually be my ADHD or Autism. I just keep thinking about it and I can't figure it out and I'm not sure I'll be able to. 

I'm just going to try to be self aware and keep moving forward and I'll try to remember to bring in Therapy next week. 

I started this on 4th of July, I'm finishing it July 8th. Woohoo for not taking two weeks!! 

~~ T