Ch. 2- Advanced Distress Tolerance Skills: Improve the Moment starts off with "Safe-Place Visualization" and I've read it at least twice, as well as "Cue-Controlled Relaxation" which directly follows the first. I cannot visualize, at least not now. Some memories are insanely vivid but I can't put myself in a peaceful place, I can't put myself anywhere haha. My head refuses to do so. And so I did two other random blogs while trying to decide what to do with this section. I can't just stop the book, so I've decided to skip it and I'll take it with me to therapy later today.
The next Section is "Rediscover Your Values" and just reading the title I'm thinking to myself what are they to me? I've often let those slide that have distasteful qualities because of years of friendship. I've dismissed qualities and beliefs that go against mine, should I do that? Should I accept those qualities from others or should I distance myself? Definitely something I need to be thinking about and how those individuals affect me.
"Remembering what you value in life can be a very powerful way to help you tolerate a stressful situation." The third sentence, pg 35, made me think a little. I am not sure I've really valued anything enough to make an impact other than my Mother. She's the only reason I've never gone through with anything because I never want to add that kind of pain to her. She would never understand and I simply never want to hurt her like that. She's absolutely only reason I am still here but can I really not have had any other values?? At least that matter enough to make an impact on myself??
"Sometimes we forget why we're doing something that's hard, and this makes it difficult for us to continue." Also pg. 35, is an understatement man. Lately, especially with work, I have to remind myself often why I'm dealing with that shit and even with where I am. I have to remember not to waste this opportunity and I kind of feel like I have. I have wasted a lot of money lately, money I should have put away. I have to remember why I'm doing this and maybe this section will help me determine my actual values.
The first Exercise is explained on Pg 35 and listed on page 36. I given a Valued Living Questionnaire that I'm to rate in importance in my life, regardless of how much time and effort I put into them. My rating is 0-10 with zero being not important at all and 10 being extremely important. I'm going to list each question and my rating, I'll try to explain why I rated it that way as well.
Life Component:
1. Family (other than romantic relationships or parenting)- my family: Mom, Brothers (I will say both because, regardless, I love B but that relationship will likely never change as I will not accept disrespect anymore), Stepdad, nieces, nephew, Sister in Laws.. family.. is going to be a 10. I may not speak to them often, have the relationships I'd like to have with them but they are of top importance to me. My Mommy is absolutely the reason I am and will remain present in this existence.
2. Romantic Relationships (marriage, life partners, dating, etc.)- This one is difficult for me. I am doing this because I left my second failed marriage. I left with no intent of ever being romantically involved again. Sex but I didn't want feelings or attachment. Yet here I am, seeing M and definitely having feelings and wanting to see what happens. I also want this healthy, for both of us. I didn't throw my life into the air to not finish what I started and that growth will help in the future with healthy relationships. Marci felt that my Romance falls more closely with my tops and I guess given the current situation I will place it at
A 7-8. It is important to me that we continue and grow and I'll put in the work I can but it is not my main focus at the moment <---- typing "at the moment" made me think about if I was supposed to think in general or present and chose to go with the present. That said she is very right. My relationships- with both ExH's .. shit even R if I want to admit it to myself - were always my top priority, their happiness and well-being always mattered the most... So maybe I should place it as a 9 because.. ugh I don't want to say a 10 haha. I am going to learn balance!
3. Parenting - well... I do not have children, I was unable to do this particular life Component really does not pertain to me.
4. Friends and Social Life- I do not lump Friends and Social life together. I do not go to bars or clubs. When I did at 18-21 it was literally with the people I went with. I do not "Socialize" like most people and that will probably never change. That said, my Friends are also going to be a 10. 2020 really showed me just how lucky I was and how blessed I was with my friends. I have so many absolutely amazing people in my life, Best Friends I've had for 20+ years, multiple best friends. I do not get to put nearly the time I need to into most of my friendships but they each mean the world to me and I will do what I can for every single one of them.
5. Work- Talking to Marci.. I can't deny that work is a very high priority for me. I have to work and I somehow need to make more money because I have to be able to survive and I want to enjoy it... I even admit I wish I had the energy and ambition to work a second job. So I tragically have to put work at definitely an 8-9.
6. Education and Training - As I started thinking and rating I realized how very important education and training is. I've considered even going back to school. I still try to ensure people I work with can learn more and take new skills with them even if I'm not leading them directly. We have to learn to grow and growth really is necessary. I am trying to see challenges and failings as lessons learned. I enjoyed teaching when I did in the Bakeshop at Purdue, the right time in life I would have gone that route had I realized how much I enjoyed it. As I was talking with Marci I realized that Education and Training is probably a 10 for me, I absolutely can never learn enough and I will always share what I know.
7. Recreation and Fun- tragically I feel this is one of my lowest ratings.. as much as I try to get in fun activities like concerts, I do not plan things like this often. This year I have a few planned because I ended planning with M. I was giving myself 3 concerts this year. I feel like this falls into a 5-6, my life is not recreational 😂. It's lazy for the most part, I do like to have fun but I mean.. who has tons of time for it?
8. Spirituality and Religion- try as I might, I've tried to make Spirituality and Religion important to me. I've tried to find my path but I simply can never put enough care to actually move forward in a path. I have begun to find faith in my belief and putting my energy into trusting the Universe and I'm determined to continue to do so and try to find my path. I'll give this a 7-8.
9. Citizenship and Community Life- I don't care about Citizenship, truly. I hate that we have borders and that human life is so dismissed. Community life, I think it's for some people and not for some. I am not involved in any community, I wouldn't even know how to be. I also do not add to anything bad. I just try to be a good human. This falls probably at 4.. I will fight for rights if needed, do not assume this means I'll watch terrible things and look away. I will not.
10. Self-care (Exercise, diet, relaxation, etc)- This one I was ready to dismiss but in all honesty, Self-care is a 10. Literally this blog is self-care. I actively choose sugar free when I can and often simply for the health benefits. I try to stay aware of my eating because I need to be aware of what I put in my mouth. I typically have therapy weekly, and that's for my well-being in every way. I guess for the first time in my life I'm truly working on myself in many ways because I never really have and have decided I am worth the work and effort. That made me realize that I obviously place Self-care extremely high as I'm putting in some kind of activity daily regarding it. Thinking of it that way, I can't possibly pick a lower number to rate this with.
**written about 11:30am** I'm sitting here, list typed out and I'm just stumped. I was sure as I started reading the section that I was going to knock this section out, pat myself on the back "woohoo T!! You got a blog and section done quickly!!" Instead, I've messaged Marci absolutely stumped because the only one I can actually rate is parenting and it simply doesn't matter because I was not able to have children so obviously parenting is useless to me. But when I think about the other items I've no idea how to rate them, no idea how they matter to me. Like Work, that's a requirement. Not working is not an option. Working gives you an income so you can live, life isn't free and I cannot just live on the street. It's required. How do we rate a requirement? It's a necessity. Like this blog. Technically I'd say it's Self-care, I'm doing this for my benefits. It's not relaxing, it's not fucking enjoyable. I'm highly annoyed sitting here trying to figure out how to rate these life components and wondering how to determine their importance in my existence. I truly need to remember that in my life, nothing ys easy, it's a fucking fight every damn time.**
**1:00pm.. as I started eating I am now realizing I'm doing an all or nothing haha.. I've placed 10 on a couple and I feel like that can't be right hahaha***
1:30pm, I've finally rated all 10 Life Components and now I'm wondering if I have too many that are high and I've just never been able to balance anything .. did I over think them? Under think them?? It's been two full weeks without therapy. I cancelled them so I could be away with M. Typically I'm overwhelmed and have so much to go at her with but I'm actually thinking my Workbook will go with me and we'll look at this and the exercise before it.
The next Exercise is a Committed action plan regarding this Questionnaire and I definitely think I'll talk it all out with my therapist. Maybe she'll help me think differently about how I rated them, or if that even matters and I am once again over thinking haha. I will start that blog but I will speak with her first, I've questions man. Questions!
I'd also like to note how my head jumped as soon as I started reading values, nothing I wondered about in the start had anything to do with what was needed from me for this exercise. I really need to stop assuming before I fully read something. I've started breaking down paragraphs and this definitely defeats my purpose! I realized this as I was rereading to fix any mistakes from my fast typing haha.
~~ T
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