I showered and wanted to try on some shorts with fishnets, my white shorts to be specific. I had a visual and was curious and damn it worked.. 3 shirts later and they all work. And get that is not why I'm here, why I'm starting this blog and probably won't finish it unless I can just spit it out and be done, but that's rarely what happens because tangents and me go hand in hand.
Anyway.. I tried them on and I'm feeling great and I laid down and we got to talking.
Covered several random things but we got on the topic of physical touch and I had to tell him, had to, about my past. About how I went from so much attention to nothing. How that affected me and how much it means to me that he'll just take my hand, that he likes to cuddle and touch. I didn't grow up with touch, we didn't hug. I got those from my other families, Marlo & Mirm. If I had to put in a time frame I'd say I've been touch starved since April 2018 and he's no idea how much more I could take. Even the random shit with R, he wouldn't touch me and it is absolutely why I started pulling away and trying to stop things. I cannot be with a person who doesn't want to touch me, I cannot.
But this is not the reason I'm blogging at this moment. I've aquired a headache and my mood has definitely taken a shift towards the blah.
I'm not even sure how it came up but I brought up how I watch and learn my people. Everyone of any kind of importance. I learn, I watch, I pay attention. Maybe that's the issue, I pay too much attention?? I'd mentioned how I grabbed a cup for Alicia and realized it was a big glass, she uses a small glass. I'd sat it down and commented to her that it should be a smaller glass and then I said .. "and you're a half glass, half small glass person." She looked up at me and was like.. how did you know that?? I was like I pay attention? It's important to know my people so I do. It wasn't until then, like a week ago I guess, that I realizedhow much I did this. I can still tell you what ExH1 ate, what he wanted on his burgers, what he hated, all of it. I can do that about exh2 also. I can do this with like my friends. I'm constantly thinking of everyone and what I can do to make their lives better in some way. I remember once we were talking about parking and how it bothers me that people don't pay attention. She should be parked in front of the gate, Frank next and everyone else wherever. It's called respect to me. She's alpha and should always have the prime location to park. She'd looked at me and was like, what? It's first come first serve. I said oh yeah I'll never park in those locations unless I'm stopping for 5 min to leave, I see them as yours. She had eventually said "I don't want to hurt your feelings but I do not think of you all the time" and I was like, of course not I don't expect anyone to. As I was telling him about this and how I don't want to change everything about me because I like my kindness. I started thinking, do I do this because of my people pleasing? Did I pay so much attention to others so that I was worth any of they're attention? Did I continue to pay attention so much that I didn't even realize that's what I was doing to ensure everyone was satisfied? I can't even say happy but satisfied.
I used to try to earn money from my GMA when I was young, Jr. High thru 10th grade. I cleaned, or I tried to. I never was able to do any chore well enough once, I typically had to redo it three times and at that point it was always with a sigh that she'd say it was as good as it will get. When we spent weekends there I always had to clean before I could go see friends or do anything. I redid those kitchen cabinets every freaking visit it felt like but it was my job, it was expected and it was expected to never be good enough.
Did I start paying such close attention because of trauma??
When I was first given my ADHD and Autism diagnosis I started thinking about things I know I do tried to drop them in one place or another and I'd thought about the details I collect and just thought ... Man that sounds Autistic like.. but now I really wonder if it's people pleasing... On an insanely deep level.
I mentioned it to Marci and she did point out that food is my love language. It's important to me, you should experience food and I want to serve deliciousness to everyone but I have to know what they like and how they like it so I can best prepare for them. That sounds sweet and loving but I still can't help but wonder if the fact that in the almost 3 months I've been.. seeing? Matt I've already been collecting and learning. I say it's because it's what I know, I don't know anything else to do but I can kitchen you know. But I'm concerned that I'm already collecting for the wrong reasons? I don't want to people please. I want to be kind and helpful but I want to be authentic. How do I figure out what is genuine and what is my people pleasing and what might actually be my ADHD or Autism. I just keep thinking about it and I can't figure it out and I'm not sure I'll be able to.
I'm just going to try to be self aware and keep moving forward and I'll try to remember to bring in Therapy next week.
I started this on 4th of July, I'm finishing it July 8th. Woohoo for not taking two weeks!!
~~ T
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