I hate that I can't voice all that's in my head; the confrontations, the confidence, the ability to fucking say no. Here I am.. still being only if use if I've something to give. Rides.. meds.. cooking. I'm not good enough for me but only what I can provide because people know I can't say no.
Just like this, I can put all this here but is it truly beneficial. I honestly find myself saying more and wanting to use names because I truly think, other than Marci, it's not going to be read.
I want to be in my own, honestly I want to be away. Like Sleeping with the Enemy haha...change my name, go away and just be alone. But that requires money and I was blessed with sarcastic humor instead of a rich family. I work for a shit company with no security, I won't make enough to live anywhere that won't get me killed.
Then I think about the fact that I've never been on my own, never. I've had two failed marriages, two bankruptcies.. I couldn't be successful with two incomes how the fuck do I think I will with one and making the shit money our society accepts as ok!? Like, I question why I bother to continue to fight. I'm realistic and I honestly cannot see much happiness in me trying to do what I am.
Fuck men, I'm not dealing with this shit again if I can ever get this over with. I am not whole enough in myself to deal with them and they're fucking too much drama. I don't even think I want sex anymore. It's not fucking worth it seriously. I am not able to separate emotion from sex, sex is empty without emotion (sex with R.. fucking horrible once it happened.. horrible, but it was emotionless.. robotic.) I'll not settle for empty sex again and emotions just fuck everything up. I want my head back, even dealing with the R shit I was focused on me and now it's all fucking muddled because of M. I don't even want all that shit and yet I keep getting caught up because I need the attention. Only I at least catch myself and argue and get mad. That's a huge step ahead for me. At least I was ignoring the engulfing fear of the realization that I'm not going to be able to do what I need to.
I desperately want my own space, I know that my depression will likely become heavy. I work hard on trying to find peace alone but that loneliness creeps in. I know that's why I continue to deal with M is when the intimacy is there during cuddling it overwhelms and I cling to it. Somehow I need to get over that so I can just be at peace with myself, I'm really just not sure it'll happen. Given my inability to be done I can't help but question what I am really working towards and why.
This isn't even what I planned to write.. though I'm not sure I planned anything. I'm annoyed I already agreed to take T home, I don't want to deal with him either. Fuck! Like seriously ugh Fuck! I'm just frustrated and annoyed with myself.. and the shit I have toq ork around regarding myself. I liked thinking my inability to open my mouth was just fear but linked to fucking disabilities instead is infuriating. It's like the song ONE, I can scream and scream but no one hears me because I can't open my mouth. It's just in my head... everything. Just in my head..
~T~
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