I've been sick for 7 days. I went back to my Dr yesterday and after a full round and a half I already feel better. The steroids are likely giving me a major headache but I will deal with it cause I can breathe and not cough like I was haha.
We currently have no Internet. I finally feel well enough to want to watch something and there's an outage hahaha.. big fu there... so I took a nap. Still not Internet so that means no movie, no TV, no music, just silence and the noises of those who've come home. ** And boom it's back and instead I spent the last hour mindlessly scrolling. Why... it's easier than addressing the chapter I just titled.
"Whether you believe in God, many Gods, a Divine Universe, or the goodness that exists within each human being, having faith in something bigger and more powerful than yourself can often make you feel empowered, safe, and calm."(DBT Skills Workbook pg. 39). I have struggled with faith my entire life. I went to church every Sunday, I loved spending the night with my Great Grandma and then going to church. I knew everyone, well every adult, I'd get there early and talk to Pastor Bob, my Great Aunt Janice often sang so I often watched her rehearse. My Bible class teacher was June, a sweet older lady I loved talking to. I always connected with adults better than kids my age. I went with my friends and always filled out the visitor cards. As I grew I started noticing things and finally I was old enough to be with the teenagers! I was 15 and I showed up and the girls were dressed very scantily, mini skirt, thigh high boots.. not what I was taught was appropriate for church. At the time that is. I'd had this respect I assumed everyone had. I watched and it wasn't church, it was flirting and it felt just like school. I started noticing how people, all those I knew, preached one thing but did the opposites. I knew all of them and watched the hypocrisy. I never went back. That was my last willing visit to Church. I don't believe in saying one thing and bring another. I try to be real however I can, even if I can't open my mouth to speak.
I was always drawn to Witchcraft, I'd written a great paper in 8th grade and all my sources were Christian based. I got my first deck of tarot cards for Christmas that year. But I never really followed a path. I was too worried I would do everything wrong, I wanted someone to guide me and I'd buy books and still I can't say there was any faith involved.
When my first marriage was falling apart I wanted to focus on me and I set out to walk my path. I bought a book I loved for my Book of Shadows and and went back to reading and learning or trying to. I still couldn't fully walk. I couldn't figure out what I believed so that I could practice and find faith. I do not believe in an all powerful being.
Humans are both good and evil. We choose often how to be, I do not always think it's a choice. Our minds and chemistry have more control over our bodies than we think we do and I believe those truly evil simply are. So an all powerful being is simply not something I can put faith into. Especially not a being that humans use to hate and hurt others.
I've started to see the Universe as all encompassing. We're all energy and that energy creates. What we put out comes back to us, we do good we get good back. Karma is absolutely present. I have experienced her strong hand and no doubt I am currently. My inability to keep moving forward is absolutely effecting my belief in myself and If I can't believe in myself I can't fully believe in something I can't grasp. The Universe is where I'm drawn lately, in this entire experience? Path? I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for but I also have no idea how to even put faith or belief into it when I question so much. Why shouldn't we question? We're supposed to but in questions we then find doubt and doubt defeats purposes.
As much as I opened this book, intent to knock a section out I'm now faced with uncertainty and how to even move forward with it because I cannot answer the questions waiting for me.
"What are some of your beliefs about higher power or a big picture that give you strength and comfort?" I do not have anything for this. I'm in a constant battle of even believing I'm doing this for the better, that this will even actually make a difference in the 20 years I might have left.
The questions continue with "Why are they important to you", "How do these beliefs make you feel" all questions I cannot answer.
I've spent my life not wanting to be here, detesting my existence, wishing I didn't exist and wishing I was strong enough to end myself. I couldn't, which in a way I see that as weakness. I was too afraid of pain, too afraid of hurting others. I always care about others more, how I effect them and the pain I would bring to them so I suffered. There was nothing that kept me going, I'd try prayer.. and it's just robotic. To the Gods and Goddess's but never helped, never made any difference except that I'd hope to only have hope crushed. So I just don't really have answers, to any of this.
I don't think I expected Spirituality to be part of this work book, I feel like spirituality is linked directly to religion and I didn't anticipate behavior therapy to involve religion I guess. Is Spirituality something I need? Yes. It's been on my list of trying to continue to figure out, hoping it would make me feel better, more connected to others. But none of it feels like it fits right? I feel like I'm constantly grasping regarding it and do not know how to take that fact. What it means, I just keep trying. So I've absolutely no idea how to handle this damn section at all.
Expectations... fucking everywhere for fucking everything.
~T~
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