The Mental Toughness Handbook

I actually started this Book early January. I set out to do so much and be do productive and determined, instead I'm in a space of negativity and wanting to give up when I know I should absolutely not. BUT I am absolutely in a defeated state of mind, questioning why I did and am doing this. It's usually at this point that I end up on some off tangent where I think I'm explaining but I'm also just whining and I've been feeling extra pity party lately and am not going to feed into it. 

I do this from my phone, I admit I do not site right but I will always state what I'm using and where it is. And so I start with the front cover of the book I started on Kindle. I know my head is a darkish place, truly. Not a hurt myself place but my depression has definitely taken it's hold. It was a nice space for a little bit but I'm overwhelmed with fear and panic about the things I need to finally do and so since I'm stuck on my DBT workbook I am making myself restart this book. 

Mental toughness is not something we are born with, it's something we develop as we grow, which means all of us can do it if we are willing to commit to the process (pg. 11).  Ironically (because I am obviously trying to read this book) the reason so many do not develop mental toughness is because it requires hard work, patience as well as frustratiobs. It is uncomfortable. 

The simple definition of Mental Toughness is durability in the face of Adversity. Mental Toughness is broken down further:

First - we look at our reaction to stress.

Second - our responses to our emotions.

Third- it involves our Resilience.

Fourth- it involves our grit. 

Grit and Mental Toughness are not the same thing. "Grit is an attribute that defines our inclination to preserve in adverse circumstances." Mental Toughness is a state of mind, defines our "attitudinal durability" in adverse circumstances, it describes our general outlook (pg.13). 

My "attitudinal durability" I feel like we can all just take a moment and laugh. Anyone who knows me knows my outlook is never on the positive or optimistic side, or it never was. That is something I am desperately trying to change, I say desperately because I feel my old self present, the Tina who just wants to blame and be a victim and Damn it I CANNOT be the same person I was! I refuse to be a victim but damn it when I can't open my mouth or believe in myself how the fuck am I not?? It's frustrating to know that my inability to open my mouth is tied to disabilities because that tells me it will never change, it will always be an issue. I'm literally planning to try to get drunk so I can talk this upcoming weekend. I need to be able to speak and I shut the fuck down. So I'll try liquid courage and hope I can communicate. 

My current "general outlook" is questionable. I'm frustrated with myself on many fucking levels, overwhelmed by my own frustrations and fears and feel my depression heavy because I've been sick and everything just engulfed me. 

Grit is an important necessity in developing mental toughness; Grit is what helps us keep our responses to negative emotions regulated. Grit gives us the confidence that we need to focus on "achievement instead of our fear of failure"(pg.14). There is an obvious reason grit has never been a word I've used regarding myself or even in my vocabulary other than using the word grits but definitely not the same haha. 

I have never had confidence, let me say never before. I have more confidence in one aspect of myself but it is not all of myself. I finally see that I have worth and am pretty and that helps me stand up straight and own myself, but that's my outter shell. In fact it baffles me that my physical appearance is where I have confidence and no where else. I don't understand how I can talk to myself about the things I could do employment wise and be so terrified of even looking. I have TWO failed marriages, TWO bankruptcies, I have degrees that I've done nothing with because I simply cannot will myself to even attempt to update my resume because I am fucking terrified and for what reason!? Like, I get so mad at myself and I literally cannot do it. I am 47 and as far as I am concerned I have failed in every attempt to be a proper adult. I live in my friends house and have nothing to show for my 47 yrs but things I don't use because I did just enough to appear successful and now everyone can see that I am not. I am terrified that I threw my life up into the air to only once again fail at whatever it is I am attempting to do. The fear is fucking overwhelming AF but I did make myself restart this book I was supposed to continue and make myself blog because I do not like feeling this way. I will not dismiss my own feelings like others have dismissed me but damn it I will not fucking wallow in it either. I'm fucking terrified and all I can do is see what happens and it fucking sucks. 

~T~