Ch. 2 DBT Skills Workbook Exercise: Committed Action

The exercise following the Valued Living Questionnaire is Committed Action. This exercise is supposed to help me "create a more fulfilling life" for myself by  creating intentions and "committed actions " based on my values (pg. 37). 

I am to first separate the components I valued at 5-10, and fill in those names on the Action Worksheet on the next page (pg. 38). Once those are in place, I am then to identify one intention for each of those valued components, which will help me make my life feel more fulfilled. 

I am then to identify several actions that I am willing to commit to doing that will move me forward towards my intention. It notes that I also need to acknowledge when I'm willing to begin that commitment. 

The purpose of this activity is to fill my life "with activities that are important" to me. The final sentences on Pg. 37, before the actual exercise would previously led me to close the book and be done. "Creating a life that you value can often help you deal with other situations that are distressing and less desirable. Having a fullfilling life can give you something to look forward to when you're doing something you don't like, and it can make you feel stronger during times of distress." Instead, I'm sitting here significantly different than I ever have been wondering what it would be like if I actually felt my life was fullfilling. It's interesting and we'll see what happens haha. **I'm also aware it's going to take more than writing this blog, nothing is effortless. 

****Editing, started July 12 and just coming back to it after discussing with my therapist. She had a different version and I am going to add her updates here. It has an affect on how I do the actual activity. 

* Identify the components of your life having a high ideal of importance on my life but having a lower actual effort <--- what means the most to me but I am putting in little effort.

* Identify the components where you think you have more work to do, then fill in the names of those components on the worksheet. 

* Be as specific as you can with your actions and specify a time frame. 

This change makes it so not each important area needs more effort. Take self-care as an example. Well, I will admit that I don't always look at it as self-care and feel guilty if I take time out to just sit, unwind, smoke a little and watch a couple episodes of Futurama or Family Guy. But I actively try to remove sugar from my diet or choose to eat certain things to get it, I am working on my mental health daily, I've been trying to be more present, draw on occasion and so forth. I feel like Self-Care is actually receiving the majority of my effort at the moment; even this blog is a form of self-care. I feel this adjustment makes things a little less worrisome because I was trying to figure out how to give more to so many important areas of my life hahaha. 

Committed Actions Worksheet, pg. 38 DBT Skills Workbook. 

(1) A Component of my life that I value is: Family. I am putting this first because I've wanted to fix my relationships with my family. We are distant, we didn't learn coming together. I want a relationship with my nieces even if I'm not there. I literally have no idea how to. I don't know what to talk about, I just kinda sit on the other end of a phone trying to be involved with no idea what to say or do. It's a struggle to talk in the phone at all, with anyone but when it's important like this it's even harder. It needs to be a priority in this journey. 

    My intention for this component is: My intention is to form a relationships with my nieces and nephew, reconnect with my family including my brother and sister in laws, as well as my stepdad. 

    The committed actions that I'm willing to take include the following:

     * Texting for easy quick contact, if one of my nieces has Snapchat I'd also snap with them but I definitely can text Iris. Start texting Ashley and checking on her, try Liz as well. 

     * I want to try calling once a week, even if the calls are only for a few minutes. I just ..the fuck do I say?? Seriously. I have trouble talking to adults as it is.. 

     * I need to call Robby once a week on the way to work. He wants to talk and I should and need to. He's basically my Dad and I need to invest in that relationship. 

(2) A Component of my life that I value is: Friends and Social Life.

    My intention for this component is:  I decided to include social life because I have some friends that do trivia, go to local clubs and dj. I have wanted to go but it is really hard for me to do things alone. I keep trying but it's insanely stressful and my anxiety goes nuts but I want to keep trying. 

My Friends.. they're amazing and so many. I truly am lucky. I've had several try to connect but honestly I was not ready. I didn't want to talk about the heavy stuff because I was leaving it behind and it was my experience. I didn't want to add more opinions and I didn't want to dwell on it. I had a lot to do and deal with on top of trying to start my journey forward with my mental health. I wasn't ready to be that social. I'd actually just realized that in therapy this week, I wasn't ready but also I didn't know how to communicate that. I felt guilty and so I avoided instead. 

Now I want to repair and change this.

    The committed actions that I'm willing to take include the following:

     * Meet someone other than Lindsey and Candy for a meal or coffee once a week. (I've been thinking of the post for a couple weeks and have already set up dinner with a dear friend). 

     * Set time aside to walk with Beckie, spend more time with Beckie. Even find out if we can call each other a little. I know my issue with phones but for my people it is always worth it. 

    

 * Start using my Calendar on my phone to set alerts to remind me to check in on friends and get in contact. This will help my forgetfulness. 

(3) A Component of my life that I value is: Spirituality and Religion 

    My intention for this component is: Start reading my fucking books! I have two I got just for this journey, Witchcraft for Healing and one on Shadow Work. I really want to be more Spiritual and I have constantly struggled to find my path and walk it. Pieces feel right but nothing fully pulls me anywhere and I feel the desire to be spiritual. 

    The committed actions that I'm willing to take include the following:

     * Start using my Tarot Cards, pull cards twice a week, set an alert on your calendar app. 

     * Dedicate at least 30 min to reading 1 of the two books, 3x a week. 

     * Be more active in the new Spirituality group on FB since I know some members. Connecting can help open more up and I am sure I could use connecting. Also helps me see how others practice and see the different paths of others. We learn from each other. I will check the group at least twice a week and interact on no less than 5 posts. 

(4) A Component of my life that I value is: Ugh.. Fuck Man- Work. This is absolutely my plateau. I'm fucking terrified of looking and leaving. As much as I hate it, it's easy. I know what I do and it's cake but fuck this company. I work for a deplorable company that treats us like shit, no training, not enough employees and I recently realized that they only strive for the bare minimum to meet expectations and only to a point. They expect mediocre work and damn it my work is not mediocre! I am not mediocre! Yet I can not bring myself to take any actions to look for anything, it literally makes me feel panicked and I hate that feeling. I'm listing it because I KNOW it's important I'm just .. ugh. 

    My intention for this component is: My first step intent is my resume.

    The committed actions that I'm willing to take include the following:

     * Find my damn resume

     * Determine if I can even update it with my iPad, if not decide where you will then update it. You gave a couple options regarding people with computers. 

     * Update your resume, get help so I sell yourself correctly. I am much more than the position I hold at my job, I am not mediocre and I need help showing that. 

     * Decide where you want to do,  is food completely out. Can you fake pee? Can you dry up long enough to drug test? Are you really considering school and changing fields completely??? So very much to think about!! But you can spend time thinking about it and journaling about it as well. 

I am starting with four. I feel the overwhelming urge to continue and lust them all but I know that will overwhelm me and I want to learn proper balance in my life. So here is my start. I will have all started and/or going by Sept. 1, 2023. 

~~ T

Dear Me- Love Letters to My Inner Child..

I really did have huge intentions of being further in all of my books than I am and after my last therapy visit I am revisiting the first chapter in my DBT Skills Workbook as I feel I misunderstood some of the exercises. Either way it was necessary to do more and since I'm at M's and he's had to work I am making sure I do some work! 

First... The Self-Esteem Checklist. Green I try to do daily/routinely and actively remind myself, pink I am trying to get to a daily/routine and the few yellow are difficult and I know I need to start including them. 

the yellow are significantly deep to me but I'll get this whole page green eventually! 

Page 4... A recipe we all need to follow...

The next Exercise...

 The exercise... I was reading my first one and I really wasn't nice to myself? I feel like I wrote it like it was bad that I don't remember thinking that way. I noted on the back that I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism lvl 1, and not day dreaming like other kids is common. I am simply different like so many others. 

Knowing this now, I'll write it knowing it's just me...

As I sit here and think about this, again I feel like it is difficult to say I remember ever thinking about what to be when I grew up. I remember making mud pies out of mud, mayo and sprinkles. I remember wanting an Easy Bake oven for years and I loved baking, but never did I consider that a future. 

In 9th grade I remember loving science, it was honestly my favorite classes always. I'd told my dad once that I wanted to be a physical scientist (I was in love with my Physical Science class.. absolutely my favorite class). He actually laughed at me and said "How about you reach for something more attainable." I don't recall ever saying those words again. By the end of high school I was looking to go into child psychology but I realized while taking some classes it was not the right field for me. (Now I wish I'd stuck with Psychology, especially while on this journey but I guess this journey wouldn't be here if I had). To be honest I just assumed I'd be a wife and mother eventually. Sitting here twice divorced and unable to have children I guess that assumption was very wrong hahaha. 

I feel like this isn't much but my childhood really wasn't like everyone else's I guess. I'm ok with that as I learn about myself now. 

~~ T

The DBT Skills Workbook Ch. 2..

I've yet again been procrastinating... But not because I didn't want to do it but because I'm just stuck. 

Ch. 2- Advanced Distress Tolerance Skills: Improve the Moment starts off with "Safe-Place Visualization" and I've read it at least twice, as well as "Cue-Controlled Relaxation" which directly follows the first. I cannot visualize, at least not now. Some memories are insanely vivid but I can't put myself in a peaceful place, I can't put myself anywhere haha. My head refuses to do so. And so I did two other random blogs while trying to decide what to do with this section. I can't just stop the book, so I've decided to skip it and I'll take it with me to therapy later today. 

The next Section is "Rediscover Your Values" and just reading the title I'm thinking to myself what are they to me? I've often let those slide that have distasteful qualities because of years of friendship. I've dismissed qualities and beliefs that go against mine, should I do that? Should I accept those qualities from others or should I distance myself? Definitely something I need to be thinking about and how those individuals affect me. 

"Remembering what you value in life can be a very powerful way to help you tolerate a stressful situation." The third sentence, pg 35, made me think a little. I am not sure I've really valued anything enough to make an impact other than my Mother. She's the only reason I've never gone through with anything because I never want to add that kind of pain to her. She would never understand and I simply never want to hurt her like that. She's absolutely only reason I am still here but can I really not have had any other values?? At least that matter enough to make an impact on myself?? 

"Sometimes we forget why we're doing something that's hard, and this makes it difficult for us to continue." Also pg. 35, is an understatement man. Lately, especially with work, I have to remind myself often why I'm dealing with that shit and even with where I am. I have to remember not to waste this opportunity and I kind of feel like I have. I have wasted a lot of money lately, money I should have put away. I have to remember why I'm doing this and maybe this section will help me determine my actual values. 

The first Exercise is explained on Pg 35 and listed on page 36. I given a Valued Living Questionnaire that I'm to rate in importance in my life, regardless of how much time and effort I put into them. My rating is 0-10 with zero being not important at all and 10 being extremely important. I'm going to list each question and my rating, I'll try to explain why I rated it that way as well. 

Life Component: 

1. Family (other than romantic relationships or parenting)-  my family: Mom, Brothers (I will say both because, regardless, I love B but that relationship will likely never change as I will not accept disrespect anymore), Stepdad, nieces, nephew, Sister in Laws.. family.. is going to be a 10. I may not speak to them often, have the relationships I'd like to have with them but they are of top importance to me. My Mommy is absolutely the reason I am and will remain present in this existence. 

2. Romantic Relationships (marriage, life partners, dating, etc.)- This one is difficult for me. I am doing this because I left my second failed marriage. I left with no intent of ever being romantically involved again. Sex but I didn't want feelings or attachment. Yet here I am, seeing M and definitely having feelings and wanting to see what happens. I also want this healthy, for both of us. I didn't throw my life into the air to not finish what I started and that growth will help in the future with healthy relationships. Marci felt that my Romance falls more closely with my tops and I guess given the current situation I will place it at 

A 7-8. It is important to me that we continue and grow and I'll put in the work I can but it is not my main focus at the moment <---- typing "at the moment" made me think about if I was supposed to think in general or present and chose to go with the present. That said she is very right. My relationships- with both ExH's .. shit even R if I want to admit it to myself - were always my top priority, their happiness and well-being always mattered the most... So maybe I should place it as a 9 because.. ugh I don't want to say a 10 haha. I am going to learn balance! 

3. Parenting - well... I do not have children, I was unable to do this particular life Component really does not pertain to me. 

4. Friends and Social Life-  I do not lump Friends and Social life together. I do not go to bars or clubs. When I did at 18-21 it was literally with the people I went with. I do not "Socialize" like most people and that will probably never change. That said, my Friends are also going to be a 10. 2020 really showed me just how lucky I was and how blessed I was with my friends. I have so many absolutely amazing people in my life, Best Friends I've had for 20+ years, multiple best friends. I do not get to put nearly the time I need to into most of my friendships but they each mean the world to me and I will do what I can for every single one of them. 

5. Work- Talking to Marci.. I can't deny that work is a very high priority for me. I have to work and I somehow need to make more money because I have to be able to survive and I want to enjoy it... I even admit I wish I had the energy and ambition to work a second job. So I tragically have to put work at definitely an 8-9. 

6. Education and Training - As I started thinking and rating I realized how very important education and training is. I've considered even going back to school. I still try to ensure people I work with can learn more and take new skills with them even if I'm not leading them directly. We have to learn to grow and growth really is necessary. I am trying to see challenges and failings as lessons learned. I enjoyed teaching when I did in the Bakeshop at Purdue, the right time in life I would have gone that route had I realized how much I enjoyed it. As I was talking with Marci I realized that Education and Training is probably a 10 for me, I absolutely can never learn enough and I will always share what I know. 

7. Recreation and Fun- tragically I feel this is one of my lowest ratings.. as much as I try to get in fun activities like concerts, I do not plan things like this often. This year I have a few planned because I ended planning with M. I was giving myself 3 concerts this year. I feel like this falls into a 5-6, my life is not recreational 😂. It's lazy for the most part, I do like to have fun but I mean.. who has tons of time for it? 

8. Spirituality and Religion- try as I might, I've tried to make Spirituality and Religion important to me. I've tried to find my path but I simply can never put enough care to actually move forward in a path. I have begun to find faith in my belief and putting my energy into trusting the Universe and I'm determined to continue to do so and try to find my path. I'll give this a 7-8. 

9. Citizenship and Community Life- I don't care about Citizenship, truly. I hate that we have borders and that human life is so dismissed. Community life, I think it's for some people and not for some. I am not involved in any community, I wouldn't even know how to be. I also do not add to anything bad. I just try to be a good human. This falls probably at 4.. I will fight for rights if needed, do not assume this means I'll watch terrible things and look away. I will not. 

10. Self-care (Exercise, diet, relaxation, etc)- This one I was ready to dismiss but in all honesty, Self-care is a 10. Literally this blog is self-care. I actively choose sugar free when I can and often simply for the health benefits. I try to stay aware of my eating because I need to be aware of what I put in my mouth. I typically have therapy weekly, and that's for my well-being in every way. I guess for the first time in my life I'm truly working on myself in many ways because I never really have and have decided I am worth the work and effort. That made me realize that I obviously place Self-care extremely high as I'm putting in some kind of activity daily regarding it. Thinking of it that way, I can't possibly pick a lower number to rate this with. 

**written about 11:30am** I'm sitting here, list typed out and I'm just stumped. I was sure as I started reading the section that I was going to knock this section out, pat myself on the back "woohoo T!! You got a blog and section done quickly!!" Instead, I've messaged Marci absolutely stumped because the only one I can actually rate is parenting and it simply doesn't matter because I was not able to have children so obviously parenting is useless to me. But when I think about the other items I've no idea how to rate them, no idea how they matter to me. Like Work, that's a requirement. Not working is not an option. Working gives you an income so you can live, life isn't free and I cannot just live on the street. It's required. How do we rate a requirement? It's a necessity. Like this blog. Technically I'd say it's Self-care, I'm doing this for my benefits. It's not relaxing, it's not fucking enjoyable. I'm highly annoyed sitting here trying to figure out how to rate these life components and wondering how to determine their importance in my existence. I truly need to remember that in my life, nothing ys easy, it's a fucking fight every damn time.**

**1:00pm.. as I started eating I am now realizing I'm doing an all or nothing haha.. I've placed 10 on a couple and I feel like that can't be right hahaha*** 

1:30pm, I've finally rated all 10 Life Components and now I'm wondering if I have too many that are high and I've just never been able to balance anything .. did I over think them? Under think them?? It's been two full weeks without therapy. I cancelled them so I could be away with M. Typically I'm overwhelmed and have so much to go at her with but I'm actually thinking my Workbook will go with me and we'll look at this and the exercise before it. 

The next Exercise is a Committed action plan regarding this Questionnaire and I definitely think I'll talk it all out with my therapist. Maybe she'll help me think differently about how I rated them, or if that even matters and I am once again over thinking haha. I will start that blog but I will speak with her first, I've questions man. Questions! 

I'd also like to note how my head jumped as soon as I started reading values, nothing I wondered about in the start had anything to do with what was needed from me for this exercise. I really need to stop assuming before I fully read something. I've started breaking down paragraphs and this definitely defeats my purpose! I realized this as I was rereading to fix any mistakes from my fast typing haha. 

~~ T

People Pleasing.. or Spectrum...

I'm sitting here and definitely not in the headspace I was in in the start. 

I showered and wanted to try on some shorts with fishnets, my white shorts to be specific. I had a visual and was curious and damn it worked.. 3 shirts later and they all work. And get that is not why I'm here, why I'm starting this blog and probably won't finish it unless I can just spit it out and be done, but that's rarely what happens because tangents and me go hand in hand. 

Anyway.. I tried them on and I'm feeling great and I laid down and we got to talking. 

Covered several random things but we got on the topic of physical touch and I had to tell him, had to, about my past. About how I went from so much attention to nothing. How that affected me and how much it means to me that he'll just take my hand, that he likes to cuddle and touch. I didn't grow up with touch, we didn't hug. I got those from my other families, Marlo & Mirm. If I had to put in a time frame I'd say I've been touch starved since April 2018 and he's no idea how much more I could take. Even the random shit with R, he wouldn't touch me and it is absolutely why I started pulling away and trying to stop things. I cannot be with a person who doesn't want to touch me, I cannot. 

But this is not the reason I'm blogging at this moment. I've aquired a headache and my mood has definitely taken a shift towards the blah. 

I'm not even sure how it came up but I brought up how I watch and learn my people. Everyone of any kind of importance. I learn, I watch, I pay attention. Maybe that's the issue, I pay too much attention??  I'd mentioned how I grabbed a cup for Alicia and realized it was a big glass, she uses a small glass. I'd sat it down and commented to her that it should be a smaller glass and then I said .. "and you're a half glass, half small glass person." She looked up at me and was like.. how did you know that?? I was like I pay attention? It's important to know my people so I do. It wasn't until then, like a week ago I guess, that I realizedhow much I did this. I can still tell you what ExH1 ate, what he wanted on his burgers, what he hated, all of it. I can do that about exh2 also. I can do this with like my friends. I'm constantly thinking of everyone and what I can do to make their lives better in some way. I remember once we were talking about parking and how it bothers me that people don't pay attention. She should be parked in front of the gate, Frank next and everyone else wherever. It's called respect to me. She's alpha and should always have the prime location to park. She'd looked at me and was like, what? It's first come first serve. I said oh yeah I'll never park in those locations unless I'm stopping for 5 min to leave, I see them as yours. She had eventually said "I don't want to hurt your feelings but I do not think of you all the time" and I was like, of course not I don't expect anyone to. As I was telling him about this and how I don't want to change everything about me because I like my kindness. I started thinking, do I do this because of my people pleasing? Did I pay so much attention to others so that I was worth any of they're attention? Did I continue to pay attention so much that I didn't even realize that's what I was doing to ensure everyone was satisfied? I can't even say happy but satisfied. 

I used to try to earn money from my GMA when I was young, Jr. High thru 10th grade. I cleaned, or I tried to. I never was able to do any chore well enough once, I typically had to redo it three times and at that point it was always with a sigh that she'd say it was as good as it will get. When we spent weekends there I always had to clean before I could go see friends or do anything. I redid those kitchen cabinets every freaking visit it felt like but it was my job, it was expected and it was expected to never be good enough. 

Did I start paying such close attention because of trauma?? 

When I was first given my ADHD and Autism diagnosis I started thinking about things I know I do tried to drop them in one place or another and I'd thought about the details I collect and just thought ... Man that sounds Autistic like.. but now I really wonder if it's people pleasing... On an insanely deep level. 

I mentioned it to Marci and she did point out that food is my love language. It's important to me, you should experience food and I want to serve deliciousness to everyone but I have to know what they like and how they like it so I can best prepare for them. That sounds sweet and loving but I still can't help but wonder if the fact that in the almost 3 months I've been.. seeing? Matt I've already been collecting and learning. I say it's because it's what I know, I don't know anything else to do but I can kitchen you know. But I'm concerned that I'm already collecting for the wrong reasons? I don't want to people please. I want to be kind and helpful but I want to be authentic. How do I figure out what is genuine and what is my people pleasing and what might actually be my ADHD or Autism. I just keep thinking about it and I can't figure it out and I'm not sure I'll be able to. 

I'm just going to try to be self aware and keep moving forward and I'll try to remember to bring in Therapy next week. 

I started this on 4th of July, I'm finishing it July 8th. Woohoo for not taking two weeks!! 

~~ T 

Procrastination at its Best, but here I am.

This post should be chapter 2 of my DBT Skills Workbook but instead I'm just going to write. 

I consider myself seeing Matt.. and honestly it's probably more like Dating (are they different??) I honestly have no desire to even talk or flirt with anyone and I feel that says a lot and I'm torn about that. I really wasn't going to do this again and it's completely surprised me. I've consistently come to see him weekly since our first weekend and I really do enjoy being here, being away, being not in the middle of all I have going on at home. 

I woke up at 11am, I have a solid headache, I want to make coffee but I do not want to wake him up either so I'm sitting quietly in the living room. I told myself this trip I wasn't going to just stay in bed until he was up, I'm going to do my work like I was. I updated my daily 3s and have my journal ready to write, I plan to do laundry and a few things when he leaves for work.

I'd been using these visits as an excuse, a reason to just be away and do nothing but exist and in doing so I've stopped my purpose. It's June 26th and I've done 1 chapter of the book that has already helped me and personally I should be half way through it. I've definitely let myself be distracted and I need to be able to balance both. I want this with him but I want it healthy, or at least healthy in my end. 

As I sat here with my book, the one I write in daily. Three things I am, example: I am Brave, I am Resilient, I am pretty. And three things I did, because everything I do down to taking my meds and shower is something others do not have the inner strength to do. Every day I get up is a win and we all should remember that. 

my Marci gave me this book and I started using January 1, 2021. I tried to use it as it was intended, truly. 

but my head is simply not wired to write things out like this and I struggle with what's acceptable and what I should be writing. I tried but ultimately after a few days it became a secret journal and my place to write my 3's.i do think I should start looking deeper into the Lesson I learned and 3 wins. I think that would be beneficial for me, but that literally just came to my mind so that can be another thing to bring forward and work on. There is a lesson in life every day, I am sure of it. 

I say secret journal but it was never hidden, it was always right there in plain sight and this was the second one. I'd already started one Oct 13, 2020 when I admitted to my therapist I needed to leave my husband but I didn't know how and I was trapped. She was new, and I'd been nervous because man I'd already been seeing someone since Nov 2018 but this was different and so was I. I wasn't there to cry or scream, I wasn't there to whine and seek pity. I wanted out and I didn't know how to do it. 

The first thing she did was sit back and say ok let's talk this through. First we need to change your words. You're not trapped. I said but I am. I'm stuck in this house with two people I can't stand to be around, we share one vehicle. I'm dropped off and picked up, I'm never alone. My check goes to a bankruptcy so I can't even save money to get out. She said ok, you're not trapped though. You are entangled, very deeply entangled and we just have to start untangling enough. First we need you to see what you can do and that's when she had me start my 3 things I am and 3 things I do. 

****Necessary Side Note... This is what ADHD looks like and I'm on 30 mg of Adderall... 

i finally got my coffee, I journal between blogging, I have two Snapchat conversations going as well, a text conversation and a messenger conversation..**shrug** I really want emojis to work here hahaha. 

Her goal was to help me see I am empowered and that I could do this. Now I watched Marci change her life dramatically, I was involved and her movements showed me that if she can damn it so can I. But I had to do it quietly, I couldn't handle that house and him and still that bitches involvement, my headspace was not strong enough to handle things being vocal. Ultimately, only 6 people knew what was going on and each only got pieces, no one got everything. They now closely just how deep I was entangled and how much I was struggling.  Each of those 6 made it possible, even if one is now being removed from my life, I'm pretty sure I'll never see or speak to R again once I get my things and that is simply because I do not want to deal with him. 

Mind you, that day I told my therapist I needed to leave was my 7th year wedding anniversary and Ex2  was waiting in the parking lot, like usual because I was never alone and always dropped off and picked up. I rarely drove from April 2018 until I left Sept 2021. Bitch drive my truck more than I did, one of them dropped me off and one picked me up, some days I'd be dropped off at work at 6am and not picked up until 6pm, luckily I had things I could do so I could justify being paid. It really wirye me down and I honestly felt like a prisoner the whole time while putting on a happy mask that slowly ate me from the inside out. 

This wasn't even my point when I set out to write this this morning, not at all. 

My point this morning, as it's now afternoon and I'm at the laundromat, was that so much was in these little books. The first and this one. I sat on the couch and started flipping through this book. My journal pages are sporadic, I'd just open up and find a clear page and write. There was no order to the random open and write, in between those pages were my 3's. 

it made me think about how much could have been read if he'd only took the easiest path. Instead he chose to let me over medicate myself, use my thumb and open my phone and iPad and go through absolutely everything. At first I was confused, I'd find rabs open and didn't remember opening them. Tabs I never open and when I went to see certain FB pages I'd find names I'd never searched before. To be honest, I thought I was going crazy, I was very worried I wasn't remembering things. It took me a minute and then I thought about it and decided to purposely leave some things and I'd make sure I always closed every single tab. And finally I'd figured out what was going on.

Still, even knowing I couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't confront him. I was terrified, had no idea how to deal with anything going on. Exh2 was truly my first real relationship, I had no idea how to deal with anything that went on and was going on. Everything even now, is fucking new! I've come to realize  no one really grasps what that means. 

A myriad of breakups, dating, shit hooking up (which I've learned is nothing I could ever do so that would never have happened )anything like tha I've no experience with. ExH1 and I were like best friends then just together. Exh2 and I really only spent a little time together because of distance but we talked every day, I would not say we dated. We just decided we were together. I had no idea how to deal with anything I went through. I am not proud of how I handled and dealt with some of it, but I do forgive myself because I simply didn't know what else to do or how. This book doesn't even have what the first one did. 

Everythibg that was needed to be known were in plain sight and easily accessible. Instead my privacy was destroyed and that taught me a huge lesson. My privacy is important and it's mine. I'll share what I want and what is needed. No one has the right to just access, I don't care who you are. I have never gone through anyone's things, not his phone, not his laptop. Nothing. It's NOT mine and it is not my business. People don't understand that about me either. Matt asked what I thought my first night here, since I got here while he was at work and he left a key for me. I told him honestly. I glanced at what was around me but I didn't look, look. It's not my space and I've no right to go through someone's home simply because I'm there. I'm the same way at work, not my desk I don't touch it. Not my file cabinet, I don't touch it. I try to keep my nose out of business that is not mine. What you do us on you, just like what I do is on me. I respect privacy and now I hold mine tightly. 

So much right at his fingertips. What actually really bothers me about all of the privacy destroyed was not just that it was read by someone who had no right to read it but he took photos and showed others, he sent pictures to my mother. No one gets to read or see my personal things without my damn permission. This also means he read how much I hurt myself, he read how many times I'd already tried to crash the truck, he read how much I wished I didn't exist and wanted to die and it didn't matter, that was nothing. All ge cared about was I talked to others and shared pictures. He completely dismissed my damaged mental state, ignored it. 

I didn't matter other than being married to him. That was all that mattered ultimately. I was married to him and that was enough. 

He continued to dismiss me at every turn. He never considered the true information just sitting there. 

I write for me now, almost every day and if you want to read it just ask, do not invade my privacy. That action alone will forever remove you from my life. 

i will continue to write and work on myself. I've come so far but I'm absolutely not done. I will continue to keep myself in check when I step back and I will acknowledge every realization. I will find lessons in challenges and continue to grow. I've no clue what my future holds, I do know that Matt surprised the hell out of me and I'm actually looking forward to what this could turn into, instead of looking that far ahead though I'm going to continue to live in the present as I learn how to. 

~~T

Little Steps...

I really am damn proud of myself. I give all of me to no one, it's too much. But fuck I am proud of myself. 

I shared this image on IG/FB last night. I've thought about this specific blog and my next workbook post for a few days; in fact I had planned the possibility over the weekend. 

Why didn't it happen over the weekend? I went to see Matt. Had he had to work Saturday I would have blogged, that was my intent. Alas, he did not work and I did not blog, nor did I journal so obviously my DBT Skills Workbook stayed in my bag untouched. I acknowledged to myself that if this is to keep moving and I want it to continue that means I need to be doing the work 99% of the time. I'll leave 1% for fucking off, but seriously. Twice I sat on the couch, mindlessly scrolling IG (I prefer IG because my feed is filled with food and lots of empowerment and growth posts) and watching Matt on his drums or guitar. I could have very easily journaled and watched or even drew. I took my pencils and sketchbook too because I've decided when I'm there without him I can be working on me and not using the excuse of "I'm away" to mindlessly scroll and watch movies.  I will only get so far if I continue to move at a slow pace. 

I went into this knowing it'd take work and time, I still acknowledge that it will take both work and time but I have to admit I used this as an excuse as well. I've been thinking about that lately as well as noticing things about myself that I love, but I'll cover the second part shortly. 

I absolutely get overwhelmed with things and my focus is a hot fucking mess, but there are so many times I'm just laying in bed saying I should but I don't. Alicia once said to me "I don't want you to get comfortable and slip into old habits" and that laziness, that's what I'm calling it because that's how I see it, is absolutely an original Tina habit. I'll do it eventually and if I don't it'll just fade away. But that's not what I want. That's not what I desire for myself. I didn't do what I did to not finish. I will not waste throwing my life into the air. 

That said, I'm also curious AF regarding where Matt and I could go or even are headed and I do not want myself stunted because I'm not properly working on my shit. He and this were extremely unexpected and yet it's fucking wonderful. I have to actively keep myself in check because it's completely new to me and I'm on a serious healing/growth journey that I want both to benefit and neither be negatively affected by the other.  I had told myself that if anything ever happened again I'd be sure I worked on my shit so that, at least on my end, I could try to form a healthy relationship. I also said I'd never do this again, but I'm going to simply dismiss that completely right now haha. I feel too unexpectedly wonderful to even think that way; but also this process has made me view so much differently that I can no longer say I feel the way I did when I started this journey and I think that is definitely worth noting. 

i let my "Friend" derail me, I wasted far more energy than I should have and that entire situationship will eventually be addressed. I acknowledged the realization in therapy today and I definitely chose not to work on things when I definitely should have. That all changed with that single text and now I know how important it is to find balance and continue to work on my shit as I should.

To be honest, I've noticed a good bit about myself this last month. I walk without slouching more often and I will often correct myself when I catch I am not.  I'll catch myself walking like I'm hiding and I'll say to myself to stand up and own yourself. And I'll straighten up and walk with my face up, not down looking at the ground. I feel comfortable in clothes I've never ever felt comfortable in. I actually feel like I have confidence, not often but I actually... Feel it at times and it's just bizarre. It's nothing I've ever felt about myself and to realize that I feel this way, even a little bit simply blows my mind. I am just in awe that I truly am changing myself, I am actually making a difference. 

When is realized I had to leave, it was 10/13/2019 (it's amazing what my brain will lete remember given most things are lost but I remember so many details..) and I had therapy and it was the last therapist I had at Purdue. She'd introduced herself and she asked a few questions and I looked at her and said "I'm 99% sure I need to leave my husband." She looked at me and I said " I need to leave my husband, I don't know how to do it because I'm trapped" as I explained things she looked at me and said something along the lines of "you're not trapped. You are entangled, deeply entangled but not trapped" she set out to help me change the way I spoke, helped me change words and how I speak to myself in many ways. That day she had me start writing three things I am and three things I did each day. I do this still, every single day and I plan to never stop. I had stopped for 3 months in 2020 and my depression set in deeper. Once I noticed it, I picked back up and I have not stopped since. If I miss a day, I still write it and go over the day for what I did. Seeing that I am actually viewing myself differently, when I see pictures and look in the mirror, it's almost like I see myself for the first time. Every now and then it truly feels that way and I smile, because I know the difference and feel the difference. 

Seeing these changes made me realize that my work is actually making a difference, even if others don't see it. I see it, I feel it. Every day is not great; some days are extremely overwhelming and feel impossible to deal with, but I no longer think of hating my existence, In fact I don't view it that way much at all anymore. I do know that I lost sight of why I was doing this, I let my vision blur for another person and again moved myself to the bottom of my own priority list. 

It took me two years and two attempts to leave. It's taken almost four years to finally see the work I've been doing and I can see that I could have been working harder. I deserve the hard work and my future self and relationship(s) deserve it as well. All of this and I'm still most proud of catching myself walking confidently, face up facing the world instead of keeping my eyes on the ground. 

~~ T

Relax and Soothe... or at least I'm gonna try..

The final part of Chapter 1 is Relax and Soothe Yourself, p.23 of my DBT Workbook. Why am I back so soon? Because this is almost over and honestly it should not have taken this long to work through a single chapter *facepalm insert here haha. And seeing that I'm starting this randomly at 8:44pm, when I work in the morning, it definitely will not be completed tonight but I do intend to finish it this weekend. 

I try to relax, I smoke weed. I didn't used to. Really almost never. I'm grateful for it, my friend saw me spiraling, saw me trying to die and her thought was weed and it absolutely saved my life. It occasionally slowed things down. Never quiet but sometimes it slowed down and it helped me cope just enough. Weed was not enough, I went to my Dr is Nov 2018 because I was actively planning and trying. Though weed helped me a bit, it was not enough. Nothing stopped my head, nothing helped me be quiet. I tried to relax, I couldn't so maybe this will help me more. 

On Pg. 23, DBT Workbook, "In a state of relaxation, your heart beats more slowly and your blood pressure is reduced. Your body is no longer in a state of constant emergency, preparing to either confront a stressful situation or run away from it. As a result, it's easier for your brain think of healthier ways to cope with your problems". Now reading that quote, twice, is why I chose to share it, I am in a constant state of flight. I do not like confrontation, I don't. I have never actually been in a physical fight. I never fought back with my brother, never. I just always felt that's what I was supposed to experience I guess. That it didn't matter so why bother. Maybe eventually he'd stop, but not until I was 18 and we learned just how hard a man could potentially hit and neither of us were prepared for that. I guess maybe that's why I stay so long before I cave and run away from a shitty relationship. Is that running? I feel like everything I dealt with was in fact a form of running but that's my head. Anyway that was not the point of this post, simply that I felt that quote and it needed touched on. 

So before I set my Relaxation Plan, I do want to share that I kept myself in control yesterday. I went in Sunday at 4am. I had a very busy day ahead and I had like an hour and a half left when I found myself just staring at my icing cart saying over and over "I just don't have enough time" and felt my eyes swell with tears. I felt the melt down right in the surface, but I really didn't have time for it. Truly didn't. I stood there feeling the tears and I just closed my eyes and breathed. Just stood there breathing, then I turned around and finished my work. I stopped the meltdown and I was exhausted but I stopped it. 

My DBT Skills Workbook uses all five sense, so that there are different options. We're all so different and options in my opinion are good. Pages 24-28 covers all 5 senses. 

Self-Soothing with Sense of Smell, pg 24. "Smell is a very powerful sense that can often trigger memories and make you feel certain ways". Identifying smells that make you feel good is the important part, not ones that make you feel bad. There is a list of ideas, and it asks that we check off the ones I'd be willing to do. Here is the list of ideas from pg. 24 :

X - Burn Candles or Incense in your room ur house. Find a scent pleasing to you. - I actually love candles and use them to try to relax in general. I had not thought to use it when I was upset. 

__ - Wera scented oils, perfume, or cologne that makes you feel happy, confident or sexy. I honestly don't use perfume. I barely use a specific scented lotion (Champagne Toast) I can't say I have it no one that's help me feel better. 

__ - Cut out perfumed cards from magazines and carry them with you in your handbag or wallet. I can't tell you the last time I bought a magazine, let alone one with perfume cards. But like perfume, that's not for me. 

X - Go someplace where the scent is pleasing to you, like a bakery or restaurant. I will definitely need to think about this one. Obviously food is my vibe haha but I definitely should think about places I can go to smell my way back to sanity. 

X - Bake your own food that has a pleasing smell, like chocolate chip cookies. This would be good for me hor many reasons, if I can control myself not eating them all during a self destructive episode hahaha

X - Lie down in your lucal park and smell the grass and outdoor smells. I'm going to check this though I'm not going to lie down. I'm just not physically able to do this without drawing attention to myself and I don't like attention. I would be willing to find a bench or swing and enjoy. 

X - But fresh-cut flowers or seek out flowers in your neighborhood. I've actually been wanting to bring flowers into my room so maybe I'll try to utilize them somehow. 

__ - Hug someone who makes you calm. I want to check this off but the tragedy is those hugs are just not near me. I don't really get hugs now and I honestly miss them. So when I do get them, like now spending time with Matt, I'm taking each one in as much as I can! 

X- spray a favorite scent on something small and carry it with you. I thought if this when the suggestion of touch mentioned something similar. 

Self-Soothing using your sense of vision. "Vision is very important to humans. In fact, a large portion of our brain is devoted solely to our sense of sight". The things we see can have a huge impact on us, good and bad. This makes it important to images with effects. The last of ideas for pg. 24 are:

__ - Go Through magazines or books to cut out pictures that you like. Make a collage of them to hang on your wall or keep some of them with you in your handbag or wallet to look at when you're away from home. Again... I just don't buy magazines. I might be willing to use the internet to look at things or if my cookbooks or something is handy that I can just go through. I feel like reading would be just as beneficial. 

X  - Find a place that's soothing for you to look at, like a park or museum. Or find a picture of a place that's soothing for you to look at, like the Grand Canyon. I need to do this, I need to go sit in the backyard, drive to a park, go somewhere I like. 

__ - Go to a bookstore and find a collection of photographs or paintings that you find relaxing. I'm definitely not going to go to a bookstore or even a Library, sorry I just don't. 

X - Draw or paint your own picture that's pleasing. I have plenty to be working on, drawing and coloring. 

X - Carry a picture or photograph of someone you live, you find attractive or someone you admire. I have them all on my phone, I need to remember to do this, maybe figure out how to make a separate folder of just the . 

Self-Soothing Using your Sense of Hearing, pg 25. Music is my absolute favorite pass time. I love music. Some suggestions are:

X - Listen to soothing music. This can be classical, opera, oldies, new age, Motown, jazz, Celtic, African, or anything else that works for you. It may or may not have words. I use Pandora daily and I have a plethora of searions. I often use music as a distraction as well, going to music that I can sing along to. 

__ - Listen to books on tape or compact discs. Many public libraries have options you can borrow. I've always enjoyed reading and listening was never something I considered. I've never tried and I really don't want to. I like my own mind when I read. 

X - Turn on the television and just listen. Find a boring show, nothing excitable, it in a comfortable chair or lie down and close your eyes and simply listen. Have the volume on low. Bob Ross is suggested and honestly that sounds amazing haha. I had initially not checked this, but I may try it. I might fall asleep haha. 

__ - Listen to a gentle talk show on the radio. It's important that it's gentle, not something that will upset you. Stay away from things like political talk shows and the news. I do not like talk on the radio, I use Pandora because it's just music. I don't like morning shows, nothing like that. It's just not for me. 

X - Open your window and listen to the peaceful sounds outside. Or, if you live somewhere without relaxing sounds, go somewhere you can visit with pleasing sounds, like a park. 

X - Listen to a recording of nature sounds, like frogs or birds. 

X - listen to a white noise machine. Pg. 26- White noise is a sound that blocks out other distracting sounds. You can buy a machine that makes white noise with circulating air, or you can use a fan. I have a white noise app on my phone and iPad and I gave a fan. I yse it at night to sleep. 

Self-Soothing Using Your Sense of Taste, pg. 26. Our tongue has distinct regions of taste buds on it to recognize different flavors and tastes, which can then trigger memories and feelings. The DBT Skills Workbook notes that if eating is a problem for you, such as eating, bingeing, purging or restricting what you eat, talk to a professional counselor about getting help, pg 27. ***I'm gonna note instead of having this damn section done in a couple days... It's been a couple weeks... Fucking ADHD and exhaustion...****

Food is a definite issue for me. I love it, so so much. Food is an experience for me but it's t us also a comfort. A bad day will gave me needing candy, fastfood and just crap. So I will have to be careful if I choose to include taste. Some suggestions listed on Pg. 27 are:

X - Enjoy your favorite meal, whatever it is. Eat it slowly so you can enjoy the way it tastes. I'm supportive of the favorite meal but it's hard for me to eat slowly lol. I am working on that though haha. 

/ - Carry lollipops, gun or other candy with you to eat when you feel upset. I'm leaving half an x for this one. Gum could be of help but I do have a serious candy addiction and I will end up eating all of it at once. I do not have control over my candy/sugar so I try to not buy it. Gum I keep on hand though! 

X - Eat a soothing food, like ice cream, chocolate, pudding, or something else that is soothing. If I can control it then I am willing to use it. I will gave to determine my state if mind regarding the control aspect though. 

X - Drink something soothing, like tea, coffee or hot chocolate. Practice drinking it slowly so you can enjoy the way it tastes. I love coffee haha so I'm gonna need decaf too lol

X - Suck on an ice cube or an ice pop, especially if you're feeling warm, and enjoy the taste as it melts in your mouth. 

X - Buy a piece of ripe and juicy fresh fruit and eat it slowly. 

All of these have definite possible uses if I'm in control of my eating at the time. 

Self-Soothing Using Your Sense of Touch

We are constantly using our hands and feeling things and yet we often forget our actual sense of touch.  "Our skin is our largest organ, and it's completely covered with nerves that carry feelings to our brain" pg 27 DBT Skills Workbook. Certain sensations can be enjoyable like petting a soft dog but others can be painful. Sensations are individual to each of us, so remember what is pleasing to you may not be pleasing to me. Some suggestions using the sense of touch from pg.27 are: 

X - Carry something soft or velvety in your pocket to touch when you need to, like a piece of cloth. I should consider this, I had never thought of it. 

X- take a hot or cold shower and enjoy the feeling of falling water. I love a hot shower, it's my favorite thing at the end of the day. 

X- take a warm bubble bath and enjoy the warm water on your skin. If I had access to a tub, bubble baths would be daily. 

__ - Get a massage. Look into the variety and find a location that fits you. I'm unsure about this, it's a cost I never have and I'm just unsure. 

X - Massage yourself. Sometimes just rubbing your soreness is pleasing. I actually do this sometimes. 

I live with others, it's not easy for me. I'm always the one others live with. My room is Luke my apartment, it's as me as it can be and jam packed and probably slightly chaotic. BUT it's my space and I like it. 

Relaxation and Soothing Skills to use at Home:

1. Take a hot shower with music. Listen to a station that you enjoy. 

2. Go into your room, turn on music or a show you enjoy to play in the background. Even your white noise app. 

3. If it's not too hot in the room (currently eek man lol) light your candles but position the fans so they do not affect the burning. 

4. Make sure your curtain is open if it's day time. The sunlight will add brightness. Stand in the window for a few minutes and feel the sun. 

5. Look at your plants, gently touch their leaves. Talk to them, feel their life as they soak up the sunlight. 

6. Lay on your bed, have your fan set to hit only you, using whichever speed is beneficial. Feel the air and imagine it's wind. 

7. Close your eyes, just listen to the sounds. 

8. Let your mind just be. When it starts to focus on something, open your eyes and look at your paintings. Think about their colors, which you like to look at most. Once your mind is clear, close your eyes again. 

9. Just be. 

Depending on why I'm away from home will determine how I use this. 

Self-Soothing Skills to use when away from home:

1. Carry something that is both soft but also able to carry scent. Keep in your pocket or in your purse for easy access. 

2. Stop and drink your water. Feel the coolness in your mouth, the wetness as you drink and it hydrates you. Take the time to enjoy the freshness. 

3. If at work, Go into the cooler or freezer and just close your eyes and breathe deeply. Feeling the cool aur in your skin and as it feels your lungs. If in your car, roll down all the windows but do not close your eyes! Haha. 

I'm keeping the away from home short, simply because I'm unsure how to fully look at away from home. I will revisit this. 

I'm leaving the start of this post as it is. It has in fact taken me 2 weeks to finish. I can say it was a lot to type out but actually I was doing somethings for fun but also... I just can't make myself no matter how much I know I need to. Fucking ADHD man. I'm working on it though.. awareness right. 

~~ T