I should...

I should have done more today, I should have. I took myself to an early movie. I often found myself looking around, thinking about whatever. I'd catch it and watch it and enjoy it but then I'd be looking at the numbers in the floor and the light of the wall. Renfield was good, Funny and Gory and honestly.. Nicholas Cage gives Dracula a great ego hahaha. I really did enjoy it, I almost cried like three times because of well... I felt I connected too well with some of the characters and I just wanted to cry. I didn't but the tears were ready to fall. I ate unnecessary crap and justify it because Wonderland Theater is great lol. All of this and I still left feeling low. I try to think about why and I don't really have an answer. I'm just down. Last Wed was bad, this one is quite indifferent and I really need to wake up ok tomorrow. I want to be smiley and chipper but I can't help but question why. Why bother you know. I'm tired, I never feel rested and I just wonder you know. What if I do all this, feel all of this and I'm still just me. I got a delicious double scoop of ice cream and though I felt that enjoyment with each bite, it was fleeting. I

still came home and just tried to fall asleep. I prefer to be asleep, it's the better state of being. 

~~T 

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, Self-destructive Behaviors and Pleasurable Activities.

It has been an odd couple of weeks, honestly I've been rather off for a minute. The weekend definitely was not how I'd planned and it is what it is and I've found I'm slipping away from the things I need to be doing. Things I told myself I need to do to move on in life in general. 

I'd started reading books in January and have stopped, I've made little progress on any of the books I've started. I can come up with a billion excuses including the recent diagnosis of ADHD, which I've really only told to a couple of people. Excuses are just that and all I can do is keep trying to hold myself accountable. In the end I'm doing this for me and the only person I'm hurting is me by not keeping up with it as I should. 

Returning to the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, the next section and exercise regards Self-destructive behaviors. In 2018 when I finally tried to help myself it was because I was actively hurting myself, actively looking for a way out that wouldn't look like it was planned. The right road, the right amount of ice, and only me. I'd taken handfuls of hair to EXH2 crying at his feet, I handed him the knife crying at his feet after I cut myself enough to draw blood. Every time I was met with "Stop being so dramatic" and "Why are you doing this you're fine" and so on. I knew I didn't trust myself and I went to my Dr. My deal with myself was to be honest with my Dr and myself, the only way this worked is by being honest. I had only hurt myself a couple times after that visit and I've promised myself I would not again. I reach out any time I think about it and I let my therapist know. It's imperative if I want to succeed in my work on myself. 

My Self-destructive behavior is eating. Reading this small section I felt it was more focused on cutting and drug use (pg 12) and I acknowledge that I have got to learn how to properly site for credit, it is directly from my book and I give it all the credit. That said, I feel eating is definitely a Self-destructive behavior. My first stop to pee Sat I didn't hesitate to pick up candy when I left. Every stop I left with candy. A total of 5, 4 on the way and 1 just before the high way to go home. In fact, I binged on a fat bag of White Castle including a large Dr. Pepper and didn't need to stop and pee at all, so definitely my anxiety. I ate every bit of candy before I went to bed at midnight that night. 

On Sunday I went to the movies and bought popcorn and a bag of candy, all eaten by end of movie (oh and a corn dog w/ slushy). I stopped at Walmart, definitely picked up candy for later and got a small bite from McDonald's before I got home. I'm not going to go into the list of crap I've eaten since my Panic Saturday night, but I'm definitely acknowledging it at this moment and candy is back off the allowed to buy list! 

The exercise listed on Pg 13 is a list of possible behaviors you can use to distract yourself from the destructive behavior. I'm putting a picture of the list below. 

I eat for a myriad of reasons (side note, myriad cracks me up because I think of Heathers every time and I use it often like plethora haha), including boredom and when I'm upset. Every form of upset I look for food. Even in a great mood I want to celebrate with great food! I love food, so that doesn't help it's use as a destructive behavior. 

I never used to snack, at least not like I do now. The person who lived with me and EXH2, M, got me into that habit, she brought in so much so often. It was a constant train of crap being brought in. Now, now I find food is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm an independent person on my own. I'm in no way on my own, I rely on others for my shelter and I remind myself of that constantly. Food gives me a small feeling of independence and I definitely understand that's not healthy. It's not healthy at all but it's definitely how I currently think. Night time is my worst time. I can be controlled until 8 or 9 pm and then I'll eat crap for 30 min and go to sleep. I'd transitioned to fruit for a small bit but that didn't last and Saturday ugh. I still have candy and I will try to control it's consumption. 

Maybe when I'm driving and really want something to eat in the way home I'll just scream haha. One of the suggestions listed is "Scream as loud as you can into a pillow or scream some place where you won't draw the attention of other people, like a loud concert or in your car". The impulse to stop often wins with a shrug. Fast food is horribly bad for me and yet so disgustingly comforting. I cry enough so I prefer to not use crying as a distraction for food haha. 

I will have to really look at the list, I could use the rubber band suggestion, "Snap a rubber band on your wrist each time you feel like hurting yourself", there is more but it is specific to self harm, I guess I would snap it when I think to want to eat? My only dilemma is that most rubber bands are rather tight already on my wrist but for a few hrs at night when I'm home I could try. Those two seem useful regarding food as my Self-destructive behavior. 

We then lead into Distracting ourselves with pleasurable activities. This is interesting for me because when I first tried therapy at Purdue the therapist was adamant that I have hobbies. I explained I have no money everything requires money. She gave me a week and then looked me in the eye and said I was right, even the community walking required money and the hours available were during work hours. I have always been great at being the devil's advocate and I am often right. I am a realist, I do not day dream because day dreams are not tangible. BUT that was the old Tina, I can say that there are plenty of things I have found I enjoy and yes I may have spent a few dollars, I haven't had to since. I can draw, I'm still surprised by this, and if I do it simply for the enjoyment of it I truly love it. I have not drawn in at least a month, I just stopped and I'm not sure why. Was I afraid? If so why??? I've been trying to not make everything I want to achieve hyperfocused because I know it will take time and work, all hyperfocused will do is overwhelm me and then I will spiral. Knowing this I try to keep it in check but why did I just stop? Just like the reading and stopping defeats my purpose. 

Here are photos of the long list of pleasurable activities.

Now, in my own defense my situation when these activities were needed I was not in a place where doing them might have been beneficial. I needed to be away, out. Now, now I can do things much easier and I can name others. 

As suggested in the book, I really do need to be doing something daily. Something more than smoking weed and watching a movie because I can justify it as self care when in actuality that's me knowing I should be doing more, if only reading so my brain is being used. I am not being hard on myself but definitely acknowledging that I am stopped and the longer I am stopped the faster I'll find myself going backwards and I just cannot accept that. I refuse to ruin all I have accomplished to get me to this very point. 

It was pointed out this morning that my voice mail still said my old name, my friend was like who the fuck is Tina P... I fixed it and said Tina P... Is in the process of being eradicated. She's not fully gone yet but she will be and stopping wil stop this fact. I think I'm going to look closely at this list and see what other options I have, doesn't hurt to try. I'm learning that very slowly!! But I am learning it and that is what is important to me because in the end I am who matters and I'm doing all of this for me and me alone. 

~~ T

Man..

It's April 8th, 9:51pm. I should be in Chicago at a Punk show, D.R.I. to be exact, instead I am now home. 

I bought the tickets intending to go alone because I need to do things alone but also hoping someone would go with me. Instead, I'm home. Regretting that I tried to explain to Alicia why because I chose to be honest and tell her I didn't go. She doesn't understand and I was like don't be mad as she closed the door, she said I'm not mad and I said don't be disappointed and she said "It's your life". It's difficult when you're not understood. When you realize how little people actually know you. 

I was hurt that my attempt to bring someone along was dismissed but I was also reminding myself I was doing this alone regardless because that's what I'm trying to learn to do. I bought the tickets very spontaneously and just decided it was happening. The fact that I asked someone to join me is a whole nother topic to discuss another time and why it will never happen again haha.  I went to a Static-X show last Friday night and did really good so I felt I could do this. Chicago did worry me, especially going alone. And to be honest I tried to not go. I had to remind myself about how much shit I talked about going and how disappointed people would be if I didn't. 

I had started to dress but ended up rolling a joint to smoke with A. Once a little high I mentioned I was anxious and that I really didn't want to go, I should have thought more before buying the ticket and so on. I kept hoping she'd agree and I could justify staying home. Instead she was like.. it's a beautiful day for a drive, you can leave whenever you want but at least go. I couldn't not go. I would look like such a pussy and I couldn't have more disappointed in me. 

So I got dressed. I loved my outfit and honestly I felt great. My outfit in no way felt uncomfortable. My black and red plaid pants fit, fishnet crop under my Full Throttle tank. I feel I looked great. I just dreaded walking up and in alone, but I got in my car and set my GPS. At this point I already took my anxiety pill and I took three more with me. I'd taken two by the time I got to Chicago. 

It was 1 hour and 37 minutes to my venue, Reggies Rock Club. I had to stop to pee 4 fucking times. I had a Nitro Cold Brew and some water, very little water, and every stop was a painfully long pee. I felt like timing myself like Madonna did to Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, but by my second stop I knew it was my anxiety and just tried to get myself to stop it. Of course it did not stop. But I did get there, I had to pee so bad too and kept saying get there and you can pee. 

I turn on to the street, see the sign and it looks insanely cool as hell, and then I start seeing the people. So many cool ass people and I realized there was no way I could go in there. Absolutely no fucking way. How do I explain the panic that filled me at even considering to even park. I knew instantly what I would end up doing, finding a wall in the back until I couldn't handle it anymore and leave. I am not cool enough? To go some place like that and definitely not alone. I'm not even sure if that's the word I'm looking for. Good enough? Like who's not gonna notice the chick that shouldn't be here and is alone for that matter. I prefer being unnoticed and nothing about getting out of my car was going to make me unnoticed. I really cannot put into words how it felt to see it. It would be like me thinking I could walk into some bad ass club in Hollywood back in the day. No way, not me. I pulled over at the end of the block and sat there shaking my head just saying nope, no way, I cannot go in there. I sent a snap to a few, set my GPS and called mom. She needed to know because I knew she worried that I was alone. I got to tell her not to worry because her daughter is too chicken shit to even get out of the car and is going home. Plain and simple.. it is what it is. Marlo snapped back quickly trying to convince me to go in but no one was going to have that success, no one. 

Am I proud that I wasted $20, 40 if we count the unnecessary extra ticket, not at all. I am absolutely disappointed in myself. But I did go. And y'all really don't know how hard that was, and I acknowledge that my experience could have been completely different than I expected but I am not in the headspace to take the chance of a horrible experience created by myself and the drive home from it. I felt it was better to save myself that pain, regardless of the 5% chance I was wrong and honestly I am almost never wrong. No one likes when I say I told you so but I feel like I earned the right to say it if we're at the point that I can. I was feeling good about me overall and I just didn't want to tarnish that fact, especially seeing all the people already present. 

I hate how little is actually known about me, why do people not see the reality? Even at R Bar.. when I went. Why doesn't she see that I just sit there and kinda talk to the ones we came with a little bit otherwise I just sit there and I leave before they are all fully involved and I'm left sitting alone. Why is that not realized? I hate that things like this are such an issue and that so few even understand the impact it has. 

Fear.. I fucking hate it man. Hate it. 

~~T 

Exercise: Radical Acceptance

I'll admit, I closed the book and haven't come back to it, but I still worked on trying to be aware and not overreact. This exercise for Radical Acceptance lists a few situations that can typically come up in daily life, at least I can make them work for me. 

Over the last week there were definitely times at work were I was able to accept the situation, feel it and let it go. 45 min! I festered angerly but it'd slip away and I'd pull it back to stay angry. It was always my norm, to just stay angry. I'd realized I couldn't, couldn't stay angry. It just hept slipping away and it was odd. Because that was never my typical state of being. I've never been able to not harbor anger, especially at work. 

I had started noticing about 2 years ago, maybe even longer, that certain posts on Facebook would trigger me, absolutely enrage me. I'd get caught up in comments and my anger would just build and build. I'd get angry all night. One day, I stopped myself mid rant, and just started deleting. Thus awareness was important for me, and I'm grateful that I noticed it. 

The first "situation" listed is: Read a controversial story in the newspaper without being judgmental about what has occurred. - I do not read the newspaper, honestly I do not like the news. We no longer get the real information in general, I do feel it's all controlling and it's fed to us. 

I admit my cynicism as I age, simply is. That said I feel I can use Social Media in the same fashion. The amount of controversial topics I face daily in my feed is simply ugh. I try to let everyone have their opinions regardless of my stance on the matter, I work really hard on not judging others. Some topics though, the energy it takes to start reading the comments and then feel myself ready to respond because one of them went too far. Instead, I've started reading them and when I do feel myself starting to shift I leave the thread. I've taken the notion of it is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know these people, I've no actual affect on their lives and I don't want any given their views.  Why would I let these strangers then affect me? So, it is what it is, and I leave. I admit I don't leave before I've started to feel the frustration or anger, but I do leave the thread and I do let it go. That feeling is quite amazing. To let it go. To say I'm so used to feeling anger for days and to at some times let it go is truly wonderful. I really never thought that was in fact a possibility. 

The next situation: The next time you get caught in heavy traffic, wait without being critical. First HAHAHAHA. I hate traffic! I grew up in California, learned to drive in Southern Cali traffic. I choose to avoid highways and will add time to my drive to simply avoid the path of least resistance.  That said, traffic and I are not friends. I will actively need to be aware during my driving to determine where I am. I'd I'm running late, I admit I'm highly aggressive. I try to give myself time simply because haha. 

The next situation involves watching the World News without being critical of what's happening. I do not believe that is an area I'm will to test yet, this world.. humanity.. it just really sets off my emotions. 

Then we end with this situation: Review a nonupsetting event that happened in your life many years ago, and use radical acceptance to remember the event without judging it. In my current state, the goal I want to reach is to review all aspects of my life without judgment. To not regret, to not hate myself for any various reasons, to accept what's happened to me, whether intentional or not, and let it go.  I know this says nonupsetting but I'm not sure how often I think back to situations that were not upsetting, I've always gone to the upsetting, always been the victim. That's what shifted, I'd been living as a victim for so long that I finally was done being one. 

I will have to work on this, thinking about nonupsetting times, neutral times in life. Though I want to dig through everything, face it all so I can fully heal but I need to also acknowledge that my entire life was not a negative. 

Radical Acceptance is definitely something I need to fully implement in my life. More times than not there's really nothing I can do, it is what it is. 

All of this post is from me working through The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, Matthew McKay PH.D. Jeffrey C. Wood, PSY.D. Jeffrey Brantley, MD. 

~~T

With Every Negative I share a Positive..

First, I tried Grammarly. I know I write like I speak and the run-on's, incorrect punctuation and such are annoying no doubt. But I did not like how Grammarly transferred over to my blog. I use my phone and iPad to post so be patient with me. I have faith my writing will be better! 

I was talking to my therapist last week and had mentioned how I want to not only cover the darkness but also my light. When I worked for Elkhart General Hospital, I had a director who tried very hard to get her management team to change. She gave us all a small book called Whale Done (image of the book above) and tried to implement focus on the good actions. To this day, I feel for her attempts. I was definitely the youngest of the managers and the rest showed support in the room but would leave and bash the attempt. I set out to make up for them. I wanted my teams to know they were great and did great work! I've always believed that an employee deserves to be recognized for their work, all of it. I think that's what makes me different, I remember every level I've been workwise, how I was treated, what I was told, etc. I am a lead cake decorator and I make sure all of my coworkers know they're doing a great job, regardless of the negative we are ALWAYS hearing from management, I'll remind them that they are infact good at their jobs and worthy of positive reinforcement and acknowledgment.

Pulling back to the point of my post, I want to use this notion on myself. To show myself for all the pain, doubts, lack of faith in myself that I accomplish great things, that I have great skills and even a bit of talent. So I want to be sure that I share my Whale Done's for myself. 

I have thought about this post for a week now, I definitely need to work on my discipline. I need to just start the blogs when I think to but  admit I am easily distracted and lazy. I get home focused, shower, start to journal and I'll end up downstairs and well... I stay for a couple hours and then it's 8pm dnd I'm ready for a movie and bed. I need to work on that and I know it. 

ANYWAY.. back to the POINT!

I am a lead cake decorator for the moment. I need to address the fact that I really don't enjoy cakes. They stress me out extremely bad, every aspect. I regret taking a passion I had and turning it into work. I used to do some cakes on the side, but always only for people I knew and thus it was never for profit. Infact, I have always lost a great deal of money and time on the cakes I've done , especially the wedding cakes. It was always for cost, because "we're doing things ourselves and can't afford much" mind you, the weddings and all involved definitely cost a chunk but the cake. Trying to duplicate what is in someone's mind is extremely difficult and as much as I have skill and some talent I am not a top tier decorator and thus do not feel I deserve to be making much more when I did them, despite the frustration of nothing but omg it's amazing and a hug. A couple should definitely have been near $500-600 but it's what it is and why I am constantly stating that I am NOT doing cakes on the side. Mind you, I can state how much I hate them, how much they stress me out but people still show up in my messages and still ask. I then go into a lengthy explanation as to why.. no space, no quality equipment to do what is needed and I simply don't want to. 

Despite the stress that cakes out on me, it is a skill I have and am rather good at to a point. I've been baking since I was little, my Great Grandma and I always baked cookies and I loved it. By 14/15 I was always baking cakes and such for family and friends. I loved it, feeding people was something I was good at, it made others happy do it made me happy. 

I didn't know I could decorate until I was 21 and moved to Indiana. I'd been working at Kroger about a month or two and the manager demanded I get double layer fudge cakes iced and on a display table. I tried to explain I had no idea how but it didn't matter (given I'm 47.. this was obviously a stressful and traumatic experience because I can actually still see the manager, me trying not to cry, being forced to do something I had no training or instruction for. This is also why I never ever demand someone do something without training.) It took me over an hour to do that stupid fucking cake. It was a nightmare, but each cake did get easier. And before I knew it I was lead cake decorator just a few months later. 

At 23 I took over my own department and about 6 months in I received a letter from Ice Tech that they'd just started a Culinary Arts Program and it's all I wanted to do. I had the dream of having my own coffeeshop bakery and I can bake and cook! I should do this. It took me 6 yrs of working full time and putting myself through school. Mind you, i moved to Indiana with my then boyfriend (now first ex husband) and we were getting married. I did this fur my dream, now I know it was a dream I knew would never happen, it was for looks and I regret that. Half way through I knew I would never do my dream because 1. I'd never be able to afford it and 2. My ExH1 had started talking about it being his dream and it was mine. I was not doing all this work for him to just ride it all. He is a topic for another day. 

My Chefs did not like that I wasn't career oriented, I wasn't there to be a Chef. I was there for myself, I regret that. I had skill and ability, I know this now. 20 years too late. I often wonder if I'd cared about myself at all, if I had any confidence or belief in myself what might I have been able to do? I simply didn't see any of that in myself, I only saw myself as worthy enough to be the wife of someone who really didn't care about me anymore than I did about myself. So I constantly said "I'm doing this so I can be comfortable in any kitchen with any recipe" this was not true, I did this for the appearance of success without really being successful. Now, I admit this is not the way to look at things, I'm simply acknowledging how I thought and often think. It's odd to sit back and realize so much, I also did not set out to make this emotional.  It is still a positive post. 

I changed jobs in 2002, finished school while at EGH and chose not to walk. I hated the idea, people watching me. I am overweight, at the time I truly thought that I was fat, would trip and fall, I'd ruin everyone else's graduation and ut was all an inconvenience to my family (My Mom and Grandma came out). I want to note I am working very hard on not addressing myself as such anymore, I do not say "My fat ass" or anything. I have an obscene amount of fat but it does not define me. I'm clarifying this because when I say I "truly thought" that means the words that followed truly went through my head. I was mortified that anyone would have to see me that visibly, let alone a fucking audience. I did not want to ruin the rest of the graduating classes experience.  I talked my parents and in-laws into just going to dinner because it'd just be so much easier on all of them and also save me the embarrassment of fucking everything up for everyone else (also I realize now this is because of my 6th grade stage fuck up that's followed me through life). My exH1 was just glad he didn't have to deal with all of it because it didn't really matter. Self growth is intense man... Seriously. 

When I left ExH2 I told myself I would not waste what I did. I tossed my life up into the air, left with nothing but belongings but I wouldn't waste it. I dug myself out and wasn't going to stop. I moved back to Elkhart and found myself as a Lead Cake Decorator at the same store I learned I could cake decorate in 26 years ago and living with my best friend that I met when I started there. My first friend in Indiana. I still can't dismiss that it feels like I'm being given a redo on my entire adult life, being 47 that's really not easy to think about. When I started I had to constantly clarify what I am capable of doing, I said no to almost everything, I can't visualize, it's not in my skill range etc. I just often wouldn't even try. Some time last year Alicia had said to me during ibe if our deeeep conversation sessions that she tells people often "She was never like this, Tina wasn't always like this", I'm still not sure what she heabs but I definitely wasn't afraid in the kitchen and now I don't trust myself at all. So I started paying attention and stopped thinking. I've slowly started to just do and not say I can't. 

In May I decided to try to draw.. I found I can actually draw and paint with instructions so why not on cakes. I was super proud about my ticket and I wish I'd gotten a pic of the monkey I made. I've since started just doing at work. I start to question myself and then say stop, it's not a thing yet and you don't actually know. And honestly I'm so proud of many cakes I've done in the last year. And I'm even more proud that I'm controlling the amount of stress they cause. 

I was also asked to do a small cake and batch of cupcakes for Alicia's first grandbabies baby shower. Those nights stressed me the fuck out, the expectations I know that were had but ultimately I was surprised by myself and proud of them. I apparently didn't get the picture of the cake, only a video. I found myself wanting to do Turkeys that I figured out at Purdue (a topic for another day as well) around Thanksgiving and I just decided I could.

And do I did. I took on Christmas the same way, we do cupcake cakes and I've avoided them. I've definitely gotten faster and have found my footing where I am so decided to just go some. 

And I hated them. I tried that damn candy cane twice and was done. That night Alicia and I do our norm and I said also fuck candy canes, obviously I can't do them. And she was like "So what I am hearing is you're a quitter?" I was like the fuck? No! I'm acknowledging that I'm not capable. She said "No, you're giving up, you're a quitter". I was like five I'm a quitter then. And we continued only that stuck with me. Am I in fact a quitter, was I settling for being a quitter because I doubt my own abilities? Was I always so afraid to fail that I simply decided I couldn't so I didn't? I was not ok with this, I wasn't doing everything I was doing to just be a quitter. So.. a couple days later I'm at work and said fuck that, cupcakes are not better than me. I slowed down, zoomed in for better detail and owned that cupcake cake.. 

I was so fucking proud! I should have saved my Rose because that was Valentine's Day this year and I loved how they all came out. I also took in Grinch at Christmas, I'd done colossal cupcakes like my rose, while working on normal cupcakes I thought .. I bet I can make Grinches.. 

And that's how those babies happened. Did they take some time?? Absolutely but.. they're so cute! So once the new year hit and I had all these new ne plans, part of that included my thoughts process of I can't and not getting angry when faced with new challenges. Instead ice just started not thinking about it being a thing until it becomes a thing. 

That very first cake I shared above, the ocean one, was a request. I've done her two children's cakes and she wanted a cake like this only also with dolphins jumping out. My first thought was.. that would sway too much in a 1/4 sheet because she wanted the moon and stars too.. literally. So we talk and she's telling me the dates and I suggest ordering dolphin pics online and she can add them after. I explained I'd do the best I could but made no promises either. I did not expect this cake to come out as well as it did and I was proud. I remember starting to get annoyed and then clicked a compromise that let me still do what I knew I could. Drawing a jumping dolphin into that cake wasn't possible for me haha. 

The Car Cupcakes I stumbled on and instantly thought "I could do that!" And as soon as I had time I set out to make them. They are so cute and I'm so proud! 

The Cupcakes cakes that aren't seasonal are new. We literally found out through an online order, I was mad but with my "what can I do" new thought process I just shrugged and hoped for the best. Pokemon above was pretty on point for me, all I had was that picture. I also have done Princesses, which I'm super proud of because my ivory came out pretty damn perfect.

And my Unicorn... Well... Is pretty damn adorable! 

I was not happy to have left work and finally shared them to have it pointed out that I did not dot my "I" not cross my "t". I kept waiting for the angry call and walked into work the next day to find I didn't catch the date and did it a day early and could easily fix it in the morning haha. 

That same day I had this adorable groovy cake to do, and I love how it came out. Her Mom loved it and I loved that my Cousin Sadie's Birthday was the same day <3. 

The other random cake above I simply liked how it came out. I did this beautiful blue C the other day, 

And took an order for the #54 to be done similarly in pastels. I love this do much. I was actually excited to do it, I couldn't visualize it but I could get my colors thought about and once I started it I could finally start to see it, but until I was done I really couldn't. But I didn't care because it was pretty enough as it came together. 

I liked it so much, I even did cupcakes for my table the next day. 

They're just so cute and I'm so proud to want to do things like this instead of dreading even the idea of something 

I took on Cookie Monster without much of a thought and quickly, I'm honestly grateful he worked out because I was very unprepared for him haha.

And this cake, full sheet half girl half boy. I took the idea from the cupcake cake and absolutely love how the girl side came out. 

it was just so pretty as it came together and I'm quite proud of it, of all the cakes. It's been so odd to step back when I've finished something and realize I wasn't doubting or questioning myself. I was absolutely surprised that I'd stand back and tell myself "You did that Tina" and smile. 

I have another cake I wanted to share, but it is a bit inappropriate and I don't want to get myself in trouble so early haha.. either way I made a great penis and I'm hella proud of it!! 

Instead my last cake will be this Black and Pink cake. I stay away from black.. it stains horribly but this little girl needed a black and pink cake and we'll.. I do love it! 

 

My writing I need to work on, in all my work but it's still very acceptable! I am good at what I do, I have skill and I do have a level of talent. I acknowledge this and embrace it. 

I plan to share my decorating and eventually cooking and baking. I hope to find love for my kitchen again. 

~~ T

Worth...

I have thought about many possible subjects and even thought about posting several times throughout the week but didn't. Why? Man, I just do not feel like crying and I don't feel like making myself exhausted from the emotions that are still on the surface. I didn't realize how close they were until Alicia and I started watching Anne with an E on Netflix. I cried within minutes of starting to watch it and continued to do so. I tried to find the quote when Anne met Marilla and realized she was not wanted, not worthy enough to even be considered an option. I watched in shock as she spoke words I’d thought and felt my entire life, especially in my childhood. I listened to Anne speak nonstop, Jabber Jaws like if you will, and cried. So much of what she put into words, I felt. I had planned to write about last Tuesday's therapy session, I really need to address it. I set out to handle things today and since Alicia was home we put on Anne with an E. Suddenly, I'm staring at this little girl that I see as me but she holds onto an insanely optimistic outlook and dreams. I do not remember dreaming, not until high school when I dreamed that someone might like me and maybe finally be married. Other than that I do not remember dreams and fantasies; I accepted that that was simply my existence. How could I not? I didn't know any different, I learned that that was my existence. So Tuesday, I sat on the couch talking to my therapist and brought up people pleasing. I realized that I am always thinking of others, always. How can I help, what can I get, what can I do? Then that made me think about more and how much of what I do is truly authentic or am I at my core a people pleaser. Am I doing things to be of value to others, do I really see myself so minimally that I feel that if I don't have something to bring to the relationship then I simply am of no worth? ANY relationship. Sitting there realizing that I still fail to see my worth was not easy to do, I just cried. I mean how could I possibly have worth in myself. For as long as I can remember my dad made sure I knew I was at fault for everything. I'd spend hours in a car with him telling me how if I wasn't there he wouldn't have to pay for me if I wasn't so perfect B1 wouldn't have to compete for attention, If I wasn't so perfect B1 wouldn't have to beat me. It was then that my therapist pointed out my issue with perfection and where it's come from. And I started at her, I understand I have an issue with perfection but in that same breath, I explained how my weekends were spent cleaning and recleaning my Grandmother’s home. Not just on weekends and, often after school too. I could never do it well enough the first time, I always had to redo it, multiple times. So, like how can I see myself as perfect? I am the complete opposite, I am absolutely NOT perfect. In any way. So I am sitting on that couch just crying and acknowledging how fuck up my inner child is, crying so hard. And she says tell her! Look at your inner child and tell her what you want to say. I couldn't I just cried, I couldn't even see her, imagine her but also I don't want to see her. I can't bear it. I see that now. I acknowledged it later that day as I cried, I can't bear to see her when I couldn't help her, I couldn't protect her. I let her be broken, how do I even consider facing her? I sat there crying and instead I cried and asked my dad why? When he was supposed to love me, he was supposed to protect me. I cried asking why was I brought into this world to be beaten up and told how ugly I was? Why was it ok that this is why I existed? How??? How can that be why I was here? I was not ok. I cried and cried and am still crying over it. I just don't understand. I know I wasn't unwanted, my mom is amazing. Perfect? Not at all, but I have watched her fight and grow, and for that, she will always have my love and appreciation. I am beyond grateful that she is my Mom and cannot fault her. Thinking about how hard it was for me to deal with my own head and I do not have children to add to my plate to handle. I can't imagine how much she had to deal with her own head, including handling my brother. How can I fault her for working as hard as she did for us? Doing all she could to deal with my brother, keep us safe, and fed on top of trying to possibly care for herself. I will not fault her. I watched her and still watch her grow. But, I can't help but wonder had she not just let me be my quiet self because I behaved would I have been more confident? She is by far my biggest cheerleader but she was too busy and rightfully so. She also didn't know. Why don't people realize this? Why do we have to assume we know everything and that we are right? We know nothing, especially when it comes to raising children. You learn from your parents, then you have an attitude and want to be different and still fuck up your kids and ignore that you did. No apologies, no responsibility. Just brush it off as parenting. I cried all day, regardless of how hard I tried to distract myself, all I could do was cry. How low was I, how worthless did I think of myself to get as low as I did if my current status is still worthless I thought I had worked so hard on myself, worked to see my worth and I still think I must prove value to others to be of worth. I question so much now, whether I am being myself or just people-pleasing so I am liked and accepted. I know this is not true, I am told often that it's not what I do or give. That doesn't change my head and seeing so much really concerns me. I want to feel worthy, I want to acknowledge my worth and embrace myself. I just wasn't prepared to realize how far I have not come, to realize that I have not let go of my father BUT I am addressing him finally. I guess I had not realized this, until now. It took me days to balance out, I cried so much Tuesday. And Wednesday took a significant amount of effort. I have been exhausted all week and when I went into therapy yesterday and told her that couldn't do last week again this week. I am willing to next week, but this week I just needed the breather. I couldn't feel that way again so soon. So I am trying to be aware, questioning myself and my intentions, and trying to be sure that I am aware of how I feel about it. Fuck, I knew this would be work, I expected that, but I admit that I was still unprepared. I still am not ok that thinking about just how low I was before I made efforts to stop giving up. I knew I was close to fully giving up but I guess I had not realized just how close. I am not ok with the realization that I still can't see that I am worthy of existence. It's a fucking lot and damn if Anne with an E added to the importance of writing it out. I am not sure if this even flowed or makes sense but it needed to be started. ~~T

Basic Distress Tolerance Skills, continued…

I journaled about yesterday and am not in the mood to also blog about it and make myself feel worse again. I will, just not at this moment.

 Instead I will work on The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, and will pick back up where I stopped. The reason I chose to is not only due to my first sentence but this section is to help me learn to distract myself from the situations that are effecting me. The intent is that with this distraction I will be able to find an "appropriate coping response". My therapist was trying to pull me back at the end of our session yesterday, trying to distract me and stop me from continuing down the path of pain. It was time to get control of it and I did not know how to stop, so thankfully that's why I have her. 

That said, I was not able to put it aside, at all. Every thought went there and led to tears. I would distract into a song but a lyric would send me back. It affected my entire day and today, I am walking a fine line regarding it all. 

 The second paragraph brings up the importance of not confusing distracting with avoidance. I am concerend that right now, my actions are only on the surface, that I am avoiding the deepness I need to reach. I admit I am afraid, afraid that the actions I am taking will ultimately be a waste of time or that I will fail. Failing is always my main concern. Avoiding would mean that I intended not to deal with the situation that is distressing me, I definitely procrastinate but I always plan to actually address what I need to, so I would like to think that I am actually working on distracting.

 The point is to address the situations when I have more control of my emotions, which is what I am trying to do. 

 This section will also help me learn "self-soothing skills", which will help before I face the situations causing me stress. This skill, self-soothing, should help me regroup my thoughts and find a bit of "peace" so i can determine what I need to do next. Currently when faced with anything, I respond very emotionally and have been working on my own for some time with this, to learn how to bring those emotions down so I respond better would be a huge relief. Self-soothing skills will also help teach me to treat myself with a bit if compassion. According to The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, "Many people with overwhelming emotions have been abused or neglected as children. As a result, they were taugh more about how hurt than to help themselves. The second purpose of the self-soothing skills, therefore, is to teach you how to treat yourself kindly and lovingly." I struggle daily with just being sure I like myself, that I see worth of some kind. My therapist tried to have me list what I have done so far, what I have learned. It was difficult to say much of anything because I realized that I wasn't sure if I really believed them. I want to, and I want to care enough about me to take these actions and learn.  I cannot continue as I have and I am not ready to give up. 

I have always considered myself a realist, many prefer to say I'm a pessimist. Both ExH's have brought it up, I will still say realist. My experiences tell me this, that said I don't like feeling the way I feel as a realist. I'm constantly full of dread, ready to respond because ultimately I told you so. People do not like those words but honestly the comfort of them is nice, because I knew it. It's always my reality but still, I feel horrible. 

Radical Acceptance is on pg 10. of the workbook and it's going to help me learn to look at life differently. Given my few on my life and the fact that I've been trying to change my overall view, because I am a survivor and not a victim, I want to learn this, I want to see a future instead of dread. 

"Often, when a person is in pain, his or her first reaction is to get angry or upset or to blame someone for causing the pain in the first place. But unfortunately, no matter who you blame for your distress, your pain still exists and you continue to suffer. In fact, in some cases, the angrier you get, the worse your pain will feel." When I think about how fast I got angry and how long that anger would linger, I really am proud that I am doing much better and that's before starting this book, I'd recognized the importance of working on my reacting. Which is also why I chose not to dig into yesterday yet, I'm just not sure I'm prepared to not be overly emotional and it's still lingering. 

Every paragraph of this section is like reading about my own reactions, my anger and how I address stressful situations, I feel like I need to quote the entire book. I guess I understand why both therapist's, even if a few years apart, suggested this book to me. So basically "being overly judgemental of a situation or overly critical of yourself often leads to more pain, missed details and paralysis. Obviously, getting angry, upset, or critical doesn't improve a situation." I for one, can attest that it absolutely fucking does not. 

Instead of anger, radical acceptance suggests that I acknowledge the situation without judgment or criticism. That I see that the situation didn't just happen, but that it "exists because of a long chain of events that began far in the past." I cannot deny the actions that lead up to whatever situation is at hand, doing so only adds and increases the suffering and pain. Radical acceptance wants me to look at myself and the situation for what it really is. I think it's important that on page 11 it's pointed out that "radical acceptance does not mean that you condone or agree with bad behavior in others. But it does mean that you stop trying to change what's happened by getting angry and blaming the situation." The example given speaks to me so clearly and had I started this book when I should have, things might be dramatically different now. But, I didn't and thus I am here now. Being upset about this fact does me no good, it won't change the fact that instead of starting this in Dec 2018 I am here now in Feb/March 2023 finally making a difference. I'm choosing not to go into the example, it's literally me and I do not need to relive it, it's over. Instead, I am going to share some of the Radical Acceptance Coping Statements listed on page 11, these statements can help us begin using radical acceptance. It wants me to check off the statements I would be willing to use in order to help remind myself that I need to accept the moment and that which led up to it.

The statements: 

_x_ "This is the way it has to be."

__ "All the events have led up to now"

_x_ "I can't change what's already happened."

_x_ "It's no use fighting the past."

__ "Fighting the past only blinds me to my present."

_x_ "The present is the only moment I have control over."

__ "It's a waste of time to fight what's already occurred."

__ "The present moment is perfect, even if I don't like what's happening." 

_x_ "This moment is exactly as it should be, given what's happened before it "

__ " This moment is the result of over a million other decisions."

What I've actually started using, prior to reading this section "It is what it is, I can only control me." For some reason, in January during a trip home this came to mind regarding myself taking a big step personally. I'd said to myself, you asked and took the step. Whatever the response it's not yours to carry. It is what it is. And I've been using a t that way to help me stay calm. I am surprised it has been helping, not always but definitely often. 

Next is an exercise using Radical Acceptance:

I will review this exercise and post about how I worked with it. I may even write out the statements to help myself remember.  This was a very interesting read, and it's helped me distract myself from yesterdays session. I'm not sure I can fully blog about it today, but definitely sooner than I expected. 

All of this post is from me working through The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, Matthew McKay PH.D. Jeffrey C. Wood, PSY.D. Jeffrey Brantley, MD. 

~~ T