Worth...

I have thought about many possible subjects and even thought about posting several times throughout the week but didn't. Why? Man, I just do not feel like crying and I don't feel like making myself exhausted from the emotions that are still on the surface. I didn't realize how close they were until Alicia and I started watching Anne with an E on Netflix. I cried within minutes of starting to watch it and continued to do so. I tried to find the quote when Anne met Marilla and realized she was not wanted, not worthy enough to even be considered an option. I watched in shock as she spoke words I’d thought and felt my entire life, especially in my childhood. I listened to Anne speak nonstop, Jabber Jaws like if you will, and cried. So much of what she put into words, I felt. I had planned to write about last Tuesday's therapy session, I really need to address it. I set out to handle things today and since Alicia was home we put on Anne with an E. Suddenly, I'm staring at this little girl that I see as me but she holds onto an insanely optimistic outlook and dreams. I do not remember dreaming, not until high school when I dreamed that someone might like me and maybe finally be married. Other than that I do not remember dreams and fantasies; I accepted that that was simply my existence. How could I not? I didn't know any different, I learned that that was my existence. So Tuesday, I sat on the couch talking to my therapist and brought up people pleasing. I realized that I am always thinking of others, always. How can I help, what can I get, what can I do? Then that made me think about more and how much of what I do is truly authentic or am I at my core a people pleaser. Am I doing things to be of value to others, do I really see myself so minimally that I feel that if I don't have something to bring to the relationship then I simply am of no worth? ANY relationship. Sitting there realizing that I still fail to see my worth was not easy to do, I just cried. I mean how could I possibly have worth in myself. For as long as I can remember my dad made sure I knew I was at fault for everything. I'd spend hours in a car with him telling me how if I wasn't there he wouldn't have to pay for me if I wasn't so perfect B1 wouldn't have to compete for attention, If I wasn't so perfect B1 wouldn't have to beat me. It was then that my therapist pointed out my issue with perfection and where it's come from. And I started at her, I understand I have an issue with perfection but in that same breath, I explained how my weekends were spent cleaning and recleaning my Grandmother’s home. Not just on weekends and, often after school too. I could never do it well enough the first time, I always had to redo it, multiple times. So, like how can I see myself as perfect? I am the complete opposite, I am absolutely NOT perfect. In any way. So I am sitting on that couch just crying and acknowledging how fuck up my inner child is, crying so hard. And she says tell her! Look at your inner child and tell her what you want to say. I couldn't I just cried, I couldn't even see her, imagine her but also I don't want to see her. I can't bear it. I see that now. I acknowledged it later that day as I cried, I can't bear to see her when I couldn't help her, I couldn't protect her. I let her be broken, how do I even consider facing her? I sat there crying and instead I cried and asked my dad why? When he was supposed to love me, he was supposed to protect me. I cried asking why was I brought into this world to be beaten up and told how ugly I was? Why was it ok that this is why I existed? How??? How can that be why I was here? I was not ok. I cried and cried and am still crying over it. I just don't understand. I know I wasn't unwanted, my mom is amazing. Perfect? Not at all, but I have watched her fight and grow, and for that, she will always have my love and appreciation. I am beyond grateful that she is my Mom and cannot fault her. Thinking about how hard it was for me to deal with my own head and I do not have children to add to my plate to handle. I can't imagine how much she had to deal with her own head, including handling my brother. How can I fault her for working as hard as she did for us? Doing all she could to deal with my brother, keep us safe, and fed on top of trying to possibly care for herself. I will not fault her. I watched her and still watch her grow. But, I can't help but wonder had she not just let me be my quiet self because I behaved would I have been more confident? She is by far my biggest cheerleader but she was too busy and rightfully so. She also didn't know. Why don't people realize this? Why do we have to assume we know everything and that we are right? We know nothing, especially when it comes to raising children. You learn from your parents, then you have an attitude and want to be different and still fuck up your kids and ignore that you did. No apologies, no responsibility. Just brush it off as parenting. I cried all day, regardless of how hard I tried to distract myself, all I could do was cry. How low was I, how worthless did I think of myself to get as low as I did if my current status is still worthless I thought I had worked so hard on myself, worked to see my worth and I still think I must prove value to others to be of worth. I question so much now, whether I am being myself or just people-pleasing so I am liked and accepted. I know this is not true, I am told often that it's not what I do or give. That doesn't change my head and seeing so much really concerns me. I want to feel worthy, I want to acknowledge my worth and embrace myself. I just wasn't prepared to realize how far I have not come, to realize that I have not let go of my father BUT I am addressing him finally. I guess I had not realized this, until now. It took me days to balance out, I cried so much Tuesday. And Wednesday took a significant amount of effort. I have been exhausted all week and when I went into therapy yesterday and told her that couldn't do last week again this week. I am willing to next week, but this week I just needed the breather. I couldn't feel that way again so soon. So I am trying to be aware, questioning myself and my intentions, and trying to be sure that I am aware of how I feel about it. Fuck, I knew this would be work, I expected that, but I admit that I was still unprepared. I still am not ok that thinking about just how low I was before I made efforts to stop giving up. I knew I was close to fully giving up but I guess I had not realized just how close. I am not ok with the realization that I still can't see that I am worthy of existence. It's a fucking lot and damn if Anne with an E added to the importance of writing it out. I am not sure if this even flowed or makes sense but it needed to be started. ~~T