With Every Negative I share a Positive..

First, I tried Grammarly. I know I write like I speak and the run-on's, incorrect punctuation and such are annoying no doubt. But I did not like how Grammarly transferred over to my blog. I use my phone and iPad to post so be patient with me. I have faith my writing will be better! 

I was talking to my therapist last week and had mentioned how I want to not only cover the darkness but also my light. When I worked for Elkhart General Hospital, I had a director who tried very hard to get her management team to change. She gave us all a small book called Whale Done (image of the book above) and tried to implement focus on the good actions. To this day, I feel for her attempts. I was definitely the youngest of the managers and the rest showed support in the room but would leave and bash the attempt. I set out to make up for them. I wanted my teams to know they were great and did great work! I've always believed that an employee deserves to be recognized for their work, all of it. I think that's what makes me different, I remember every level I've been workwise, how I was treated, what I was told, etc. I am a lead cake decorator and I make sure all of my coworkers know they're doing a great job, regardless of the negative we are ALWAYS hearing from management, I'll remind them that they are infact good at their jobs and worthy of positive reinforcement and acknowledgment.

Pulling back to the point of my post, I want to use this notion on myself. To show myself for all the pain, doubts, lack of faith in myself that I accomplish great things, that I have great skills and even a bit of talent. So I want to be sure that I share my Whale Done's for myself. 

I have thought about this post for a week now, I definitely need to work on my discipline. I need to just start the blogs when I think to but  admit I am easily distracted and lazy. I get home focused, shower, start to journal and I'll end up downstairs and well... I stay for a couple hours and then it's 8pm dnd I'm ready for a movie and bed. I need to work on that and I know it. 

ANYWAY.. back to the POINT!

I am a lead cake decorator for the moment. I need to address the fact that I really don't enjoy cakes. They stress me out extremely bad, every aspect. I regret taking a passion I had and turning it into work. I used to do some cakes on the side, but always only for people I knew and thus it was never for profit. Infact, I have always lost a great deal of money and time on the cakes I've done , especially the wedding cakes. It was always for cost, because "we're doing things ourselves and can't afford much" mind you, the weddings and all involved definitely cost a chunk but the cake. Trying to duplicate what is in someone's mind is extremely difficult and as much as I have skill and some talent I am not a top tier decorator and thus do not feel I deserve to be making much more when I did them, despite the frustration of nothing but omg it's amazing and a hug. A couple should definitely have been near $500-600 but it's what it is and why I am constantly stating that I am NOT doing cakes on the side. Mind you, I can state how much I hate them, how much they stress me out but people still show up in my messages and still ask. I then go into a lengthy explanation as to why.. no space, no quality equipment to do what is needed and I simply don't want to. 

Despite the stress that cakes out on me, it is a skill I have and am rather good at to a point. I've been baking since I was little, my Great Grandma and I always baked cookies and I loved it. By 14/15 I was always baking cakes and such for family and friends. I loved it, feeding people was something I was good at, it made others happy do it made me happy. 

I didn't know I could decorate until I was 21 and moved to Indiana. I'd been working at Kroger about a month or two and the manager demanded I get double layer fudge cakes iced and on a display table. I tried to explain I had no idea how but it didn't matter (given I'm 47.. this was obviously a stressful and traumatic experience because I can actually still see the manager, me trying not to cry, being forced to do something I had no training or instruction for. This is also why I never ever demand someone do something without training.) It took me over an hour to do that stupid fucking cake. It was a nightmare, but each cake did get easier. And before I knew it I was lead cake decorator just a few months later. 

At 23 I took over my own department and about 6 months in I received a letter from Ice Tech that they'd just started a Culinary Arts Program and it's all I wanted to do. I had the dream of having my own coffeeshop bakery and I can bake and cook! I should do this. It took me 6 yrs of working full time and putting myself through school. Mind you, i moved to Indiana with my then boyfriend (now first ex husband) and we were getting married. I did this fur my dream, now I know it was a dream I knew would never happen, it was for looks and I regret that. Half way through I knew I would never do my dream because 1. I'd never be able to afford it and 2. My ExH1 had started talking about it being his dream and it was mine. I was not doing all this work for him to just ride it all. He is a topic for another day. 

My Chefs did not like that I wasn't career oriented, I wasn't there to be a Chef. I was there for myself, I regret that. I had skill and ability, I know this now. 20 years too late. I often wonder if I'd cared about myself at all, if I had any confidence or belief in myself what might I have been able to do? I simply didn't see any of that in myself, I only saw myself as worthy enough to be the wife of someone who really didn't care about me anymore than I did about myself. So I constantly said "I'm doing this so I can be comfortable in any kitchen with any recipe" this was not true, I did this for the appearance of success without really being successful. Now, I admit this is not the way to look at things, I'm simply acknowledging how I thought and often think. It's odd to sit back and realize so much, I also did not set out to make this emotional.  It is still a positive post. 

I changed jobs in 2002, finished school while at EGH and chose not to walk. I hated the idea, people watching me. I am overweight, at the time I truly thought that I was fat, would trip and fall, I'd ruin everyone else's graduation and ut was all an inconvenience to my family (My Mom and Grandma came out). I want to note I am working very hard on not addressing myself as such anymore, I do not say "My fat ass" or anything. I have an obscene amount of fat but it does not define me. I'm clarifying this because when I say I "truly thought" that means the words that followed truly went through my head. I was mortified that anyone would have to see me that visibly, let alone a fucking audience. I did not want to ruin the rest of the graduating classes experience.  I talked my parents and in-laws into just going to dinner because it'd just be so much easier on all of them and also save me the embarrassment of fucking everything up for everyone else (also I realize now this is because of my 6th grade stage fuck up that's followed me through life). My exH1 was just glad he didn't have to deal with all of it because it didn't really matter. Self growth is intense man... Seriously. 

When I left ExH2 I told myself I would not waste what I did. I tossed my life up into the air, left with nothing but belongings but I wouldn't waste it. I dug myself out and wasn't going to stop. I moved back to Elkhart and found myself as a Lead Cake Decorator at the same store I learned I could cake decorate in 26 years ago and living with my best friend that I met when I started there. My first friend in Indiana. I still can't dismiss that it feels like I'm being given a redo on my entire adult life, being 47 that's really not easy to think about. When I started I had to constantly clarify what I am capable of doing, I said no to almost everything, I can't visualize, it's not in my skill range etc. I just often wouldn't even try. Some time last year Alicia had said to me during ibe if our deeeep conversation sessions that she tells people often "She was never like this, Tina wasn't always like this", I'm still not sure what she heabs but I definitely wasn't afraid in the kitchen and now I don't trust myself at all. So I started paying attention and stopped thinking. I've slowly started to just do and not say I can't. 

In May I decided to try to draw.. I found I can actually draw and paint with instructions so why not on cakes. I was super proud about my ticket and I wish I'd gotten a pic of the monkey I made. I've since started just doing at work. I start to question myself and then say stop, it's not a thing yet and you don't actually know. And honestly I'm so proud of many cakes I've done in the last year. And I'm even more proud that I'm controlling the amount of stress they cause. 

I was also asked to do a small cake and batch of cupcakes for Alicia's first grandbabies baby shower. Those nights stressed me the fuck out, the expectations I know that were had but ultimately I was surprised by myself and proud of them. I apparently didn't get the picture of the cake, only a video. I found myself wanting to do Turkeys that I figured out at Purdue (a topic for another day as well) around Thanksgiving and I just decided I could.

And do I did. I took on Christmas the same way, we do cupcake cakes and I've avoided them. I've definitely gotten faster and have found my footing where I am so decided to just go some. 

And I hated them. I tried that damn candy cane twice and was done. That night Alicia and I do our norm and I said also fuck candy canes, obviously I can't do them. And she was like "So what I am hearing is you're a quitter?" I was like the fuck? No! I'm acknowledging that I'm not capable. She said "No, you're giving up, you're a quitter". I was like five I'm a quitter then. And we continued only that stuck with me. Am I in fact a quitter, was I settling for being a quitter because I doubt my own abilities? Was I always so afraid to fail that I simply decided I couldn't so I didn't? I was not ok with this, I wasn't doing everything I was doing to just be a quitter. So.. a couple days later I'm at work and said fuck that, cupcakes are not better than me. I slowed down, zoomed in for better detail and owned that cupcake cake.. 

I was so fucking proud! I should have saved my Rose because that was Valentine's Day this year and I loved how they all came out. I also took in Grinch at Christmas, I'd done colossal cupcakes like my rose, while working on normal cupcakes I thought .. I bet I can make Grinches.. 

And that's how those babies happened. Did they take some time?? Absolutely but.. they're so cute! So once the new year hit and I had all these new ne plans, part of that included my thoughts process of I can't and not getting angry when faced with new challenges. Instead ice just started not thinking about it being a thing until it becomes a thing. 

That very first cake I shared above, the ocean one, was a request. I've done her two children's cakes and she wanted a cake like this only also with dolphins jumping out. My first thought was.. that would sway too much in a 1/4 sheet because she wanted the moon and stars too.. literally. So we talk and she's telling me the dates and I suggest ordering dolphin pics online and she can add them after. I explained I'd do the best I could but made no promises either. I did not expect this cake to come out as well as it did and I was proud. I remember starting to get annoyed and then clicked a compromise that let me still do what I knew I could. Drawing a jumping dolphin into that cake wasn't possible for me haha. 

The Car Cupcakes I stumbled on and instantly thought "I could do that!" And as soon as I had time I set out to make them. They are so cute and I'm so proud! 

The Cupcakes cakes that aren't seasonal are new. We literally found out through an online order, I was mad but with my "what can I do" new thought process I just shrugged and hoped for the best. Pokemon above was pretty on point for me, all I had was that picture. I also have done Princesses, which I'm super proud of because my ivory came out pretty damn perfect.

And my Unicorn... Well... Is pretty damn adorable! 

I was not happy to have left work and finally shared them to have it pointed out that I did not dot my "I" not cross my "t". I kept waiting for the angry call and walked into work the next day to find I didn't catch the date and did it a day early and could easily fix it in the morning haha. 

That same day I had this adorable groovy cake to do, and I love how it came out. Her Mom loved it and I loved that my Cousin Sadie's Birthday was the same day <3. 

The other random cake above I simply liked how it came out. I did this beautiful blue C the other day, 

And took an order for the #54 to be done similarly in pastels. I love this do much. I was actually excited to do it, I couldn't visualize it but I could get my colors thought about and once I started it I could finally start to see it, but until I was done I really couldn't. But I didn't care because it was pretty enough as it came together. 

I liked it so much, I even did cupcakes for my table the next day. 

They're just so cute and I'm so proud to want to do things like this instead of dreading even the idea of something 

I took on Cookie Monster without much of a thought and quickly, I'm honestly grateful he worked out because I was very unprepared for him haha.

And this cake, full sheet half girl half boy. I took the idea from the cupcake cake and absolutely love how the girl side came out. 

it was just so pretty as it came together and I'm quite proud of it, of all the cakes. It's been so odd to step back when I've finished something and realize I wasn't doubting or questioning myself. I was absolutely surprised that I'd stand back and tell myself "You did that Tina" and smile. 

I have another cake I wanted to share, but it is a bit inappropriate and I don't want to get myself in trouble so early haha.. either way I made a great penis and I'm hella proud of it!! 

Instead my last cake will be this Black and Pink cake. I stay away from black.. it stains horribly but this little girl needed a black and pink cake and we'll.. I do love it! 

 

My writing I need to work on, in all my work but it's still very acceptable! I am good at what I do, I have skill and I do have a level of talent. I acknowledge this and embrace it. 

I plan to share my decorating and eventually cooking and baking. I hope to find love for my kitchen again. 

~~ T