Instead I will work on The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, and will pick back up where I stopped. The reason I chose to is not only due to my first sentence but this section is to help me learn to distract myself from the situations that are effecting me. The intent is that with this distraction I will be able to find an "appropriate coping response". My therapist was trying to pull me back at the end of our session yesterday, trying to distract me and stop me from continuing down the path of pain. It was time to get control of it and I did not know how to stop, so thankfully that's why I have her.
That said, I was not able to put it aside, at all. Every thought went there and led to tears. I would distract into a song but a lyric would send me back. It affected my entire day and today, I am walking a fine line regarding it all.
The second paragraph brings up the importance of not confusing distracting with avoidance. I am concerend that right now, my actions are only on the surface, that I am avoiding the deepness I need to reach. I admit I am afraid, afraid that the actions I am taking will ultimately be a waste of time or that I will fail. Failing is always my main concern.
Avoiding would mean that I intended not to deal with the situation that is distressing me, I definitely procrastinate but I always plan to actually address what I need to, so I would like to think that I am actually working on distracting.
The point is to address the situations when I have more control of my emotions, which is what I am trying to do.
This section will also help me learn "self-soothing skills", which will help before I face the situations causing me stress. This skill, self-soothing, should help me regroup my thoughts and find a bit of "peace" so i can determine what I need to do next. Currently when faced with anything, I respond very emotionally and have been working on my own for some time with this, to learn how to bring those emotions down so I respond better would be a huge relief.
Self-soothing skills will also help teach me to treat myself with a bit if compassion. According to The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, "Many people with overwhelming emotions have been abused or neglected as children. As a result, they were taugh more about how hurt than to help themselves. The second purpose of the self-soothing skills, therefore, is to teach you how to treat yourself kindly and lovingly." I struggle daily with just being sure I like myself, that I see worth of some kind. My therapist tried to have me list what I have done so far, what I have learned. It was difficult to say much of anything because I realized that I wasn't sure if I really believed them. I want to, and I want to care enough about me to take these actions and learn. I cannot continue as I have and I am not ready to give up.
I have always considered myself a realist, many prefer to say I'm a pessimist. Both ExH's have brought it up, I will still say realist. My experiences tell me this, that said I don't like feeling the way I feel as a realist. I'm constantly full of dread, ready to respond because ultimately I told you so. People do not like those words but honestly the comfort of them is nice, because I knew it. It's always my reality but still, I feel horrible.
Radical Acceptance is on pg 10. of the workbook and it's going to help me learn to look at life differently. Given my few on my life and the fact that I've been trying to change my overall view, because I am a survivor and not a victim, I want to learn this, I want to see a future instead of dread.
"Often, when a person is in pain, his or her first reaction is to get angry or upset or to blame someone for causing the pain in the first place. But unfortunately, no matter who you blame for your distress, your pain still exists and you continue to suffer. In fact, in some cases, the angrier you get, the worse your pain will feel." When I think about how fast I got angry and how long that anger would linger, I really am proud that I am doing much better and that's before starting this book, I'd recognized the importance of working on my reacting. Which is also why I chose not to dig into yesterday yet, I'm just not sure I'm prepared to not be overly emotional and it's still lingering.
Every paragraph of this section is like reading about my own reactions, my anger and how I address stressful situations, I feel like I need to quote the entire book. I guess I understand why both therapist's, even if a few years apart, suggested this book to me. So basically "being overly judgemental of a situation or overly critical of yourself often leads to more pain, missed details and paralysis. Obviously, getting angry, upset, or critical doesn't improve a situation." I for one, can attest that it absolutely fucking does not.
Instead of anger, radical acceptance suggests that I acknowledge the situation without judgment or criticism. That I see that the situation didn't just happen, but that it "exists because of a long chain of events that began far in the past." I cannot deny the actions that lead up to whatever situation is at hand, doing so only adds and increases the suffering and pain. Radical acceptance wants me to look at myself and the situation for what it really is. I think it's important that on page 11 it's pointed out that "radical acceptance does not mean that you condone or agree with bad behavior in others. But it does mean that you stop trying to change what's happened by getting angry and blaming the situation." The example given speaks to me so clearly and had I started this book when I should have, things might be dramatically different now. But, I didn't and thus I am here now. Being upset about this fact does me no good, it won't change the fact that instead of starting this in Dec 2018 I am here now in Feb/March 2023 finally making a difference. I'm choosing not to go into the example, it's literally me and I do not need to relive it, it's over. Instead, I am going to share some of the Radical Acceptance Coping Statements listed on page 11, these statements can help us begin using radical acceptance. It wants me to check off the statements I would be willing to use in order to help remind myself that I need to accept the moment and that which led up to it.
The statements:
_x_ "This is the way it has to be."
__ "All the events have led up to now"
_x_ "I can't change what's already happened."
_x_ "It's no use fighting the past."
__ "Fighting the past only blinds me to my present."
_x_ "The present is the only moment I have control over."
__ "It's a waste of time to fight what's already occurred."
__ "The present moment is perfect, even if I don't like what's happening."
_x_ "This moment is exactly as it should be, given what's happened before it "
__ " This moment is the result of over a million other decisions."
What I've actually started using, prior to reading this section "It is what it is, I can only control me." For some reason, in January during a trip home this came to mind regarding myself taking a big step personally. I'd said to myself, you asked and took the step. Whatever the response it's not yours to carry. It is what it is. And I've been using a t that way to help me stay calm. I am surprised it has been helping, not always but definitely often.
Next is an exercise using Radical Acceptance:
I will review this exercise and post about how I worked with it. I may even write out the statements to help myself remember. This was a very interesting read, and it's helped me distract myself from yesterdays session. I'm not sure I can fully blog about it today, but definitely sooner than I expected.
All of this post is from me working through The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, Matthew McKay PH.D. Jeffrey C. Wood, PSY.D. Jeffrey Brantley, MD.
~~ T
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