I bought the tickets intending to go alone because I need to do things alone but also hoping someone would go with me. Instead, I'm home. Regretting that I tried to explain to Alicia why because I chose to be honest and tell her I didn't go. She doesn't understand and I was like don't be mad as she closed the door, she said I'm not mad and I said don't be disappointed and she said "It's your life". It's difficult when you're not understood. When you realize how little people actually know you.
I was hurt that my attempt to bring someone along was dismissed but I was also reminding myself I was doing this alone regardless because that's what I'm trying to learn to do. I bought the tickets very spontaneously and just decided it was happening. The fact that I asked someone to join me is a whole nother topic to discuss another time and why it will never happen again haha. I went to a Static-X show last Friday night and did really good so I felt I could do this. Chicago did worry me, especially going alone. And to be honest I tried to not go. I had to remind myself about how much shit I talked about going and how disappointed people would be if I didn't.
I had started to dress but ended up rolling a joint to smoke with A. Once a little high I mentioned I was anxious and that I really didn't want to go, I should have thought more before buying the ticket and so on. I kept hoping she'd agree and I could justify staying home. Instead she was like.. it's a beautiful day for a drive, you can leave whenever you want but at least go. I couldn't not go. I would look like such a pussy and I couldn't have more disappointed in me.
So I got dressed. I loved my outfit and honestly I felt great. My outfit in no way felt uncomfortable. My black and red plaid pants fit, fishnet crop under my Full Throttle tank. I feel I looked great. I just dreaded walking up and in alone, but I got in my car and set my GPS. At this point I already took my anxiety pill and I took three more with me. I'd taken two by the time I got to Chicago.
It was 1 hour and 37 minutes to my venue, Reggies Rock Club. I had to stop to pee 4 fucking times. I had a Nitro Cold Brew and some water, very little water, and every stop was a painfully long pee. I felt like timing myself like Madonna did to Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, but by my second stop I knew it was my anxiety and just tried to get myself to stop it. Of course it did not stop. But I did get there, I had to pee so bad too and kept saying get there and you can pee.
I turn on to the street, see the sign and it looks insanely cool as hell, and then I start seeing the people. So many cool ass people and I realized there was no way I could go in there. Absolutely no fucking way. How do I explain the panic that filled me at even considering to even park. I knew instantly what I would end up doing, finding a wall in the back until I couldn't handle it anymore and leave. I am not cool enough? To go some place like that and definitely not alone. I'm not even sure if that's the word I'm looking for. Good enough? Like who's not gonna notice the chick that shouldn't be here and is alone for that matter. I prefer being unnoticed and nothing about getting out of my car was going to make me unnoticed. I really cannot put into words how it felt to see it. It would be like me thinking I could walk into some bad ass club in Hollywood back in the day. No way, not me. I pulled over at the end of the block and sat there shaking my head just saying nope, no way, I cannot go in there. I sent a snap to a few, set my GPS and called mom. She needed to know because I knew she worried that I was alone. I got to tell her not to worry because her daughter is too chicken shit to even get out of the car and is going home. Plain and simple.. it is what it is. Marlo snapped back quickly trying to convince me to go in but no one was going to have that success, no one.
Am I proud that I wasted $20, 40 if we count the unnecessary extra ticket, not at all. I am absolutely disappointed in myself. But I did go. And y'all really don't know how hard that was, and I acknowledge that my experience could have been completely different than I expected but I am not in the headspace to take the chance of a horrible experience created by myself and the drive home from it. I felt it was better to save myself that pain, regardless of the 5% chance I was wrong and honestly I am almost never wrong. No one likes when I say I told you so but I feel like I earned the right to say it if we're at the point that I can. I was feeling good about me overall and I just didn't want to tarnish that fact, especially seeing all the people already present.
I hate how little is actually known about me, why do people not see the reality? Even at R Bar.. when I went. Why doesn't she see that I just sit there and kinda talk to the ones we came with a little bit otherwise I just sit there and I leave before they are all fully involved and I'm left sitting alone. Why is that not realized? I hate that things like this are such an issue and that so few even understand the impact it has.
Fear.. I fucking hate it man. Hate it.
~~T
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