What did I do and What was I thinking...

Man... Like Fucking MAN! 

First I am going to acknowledge that I've stopped basically everything. Since I took that job just stopped everything. I didn't have a lot of evening time at all. I wanted the OT to a point but I was over not having any time because there was no changing anything. As soon as I might have something down to be faster there was something new added. There was no end in sight and my frustrations were daily and exponential. The first things to go was the journaling -which I had intended to blog daily instead- but that always took time because I couldn't keep it short and sweet, there was always so much to get down so that stopped too. 

I thought about it often, when I did see my therapist I fully acknowledged that I stopped things and that I was staying aware at least. But staying aware really didn't help. I mean, it did in the aspect that I was aware, but that did not change anything. It didn't actually get me to do it, it just gave me an excuse (?) to use since I wasn't actively doing any of the work. 

During Match things too a turn. I was not quite sick when I posted my last post. I did end up sick and I didn't go to the Adam Ant concert I had on the 27th. Instead, I went home at 8hrs and made myself at least bake a cake. A beautiful cake. In fact, I'll actually share the picture because it's truly beautiful and I was sick and spent 4 hrs in that kitchen creating delicious beauty. 

when I moved in here I wanted to use my tiny kitchen. To show myself I didn't need a grand space to still create deliciousness, and I did sick. That's not what this post is about though... Getting sick seemed to start some damn downward spiral. I ended up needing two different antibiotics, I had an allergic reaction to one and had the absolute worst yeast infection and such, my poor lady parts. I ended up needing to antibiotics for that. Of course this made me behind at work, and man there is nothing that seems doable there to remotely get to a balanced place. Spring break was right around the corner which included Inventory. 

Look I am a hard and fast worker, I don't dick around but when there is so much to get done, including cook which is not a snap of the fingers situation, time is lost. I'd steadily been getting frustrated and very visibly frustrated. Nothing was fast enough, the kitchen always needed me present which meant the other things were not getting done. There were demands that I need to delegate and stop doing it myself. There was NO ONE to delegate to, we constantly had less people in the kitchen which meant every one of them were already doing more than their share of jobs and none of them are full time. I understand and expect hard work but this was wrong and I refuse to make their lives even more difficult during those small amounts of time they had to accomplish everything. That is not who I AM. I have never ever forgotten where I came from, I am every person I manage, I did their work in someway and they deserve respect. 

So I took it all in myself, I was dropped in that kitchen and given words. I just do not understand the thought process. I have lead many people, I have never just been dropped in a kitchen as significant as a School that is the central hub for all the other schools in the district and just told to go manage. Barely explained how the various menus work, explained things only when I finally ask because all of this is new. How do you decide that a person with any Culinary background just knows your Kitchen, your processes, your functioning, your rules and regulations and those of 17 other sites? 

I leaned what I could by myself, so many things had errors, so many things needed to get handled and the two in the top roles wanted nothing to do with it, they just want it handled. How in earth do you look at anything like that. 

So I've gone to them frustrated, they want me to have the rest do more and balance it me to just check in and follow up and have every bit of possible computer work done in 1 hour. The computer time alone was insane, easily half a day depending on what it was and since I was just figuring things out in my own it was taking time to change and redo it. I would ask and I would get a suggestion if what they would do, not actual guidance. It was hands down one of my most disappointing experiences. I had thought I found two leaders to work for but instead they were truly like everyone else. 

Back to spring break though! I had a Drs appointment on Friday.. survived inventory, barely.. and now I see that I really didn't survive it at all. I forgot papers and stopped back by before going home. It was about 4:30pm, I didn't turn on lights because I could see my computer on my desk. But I'd decided to turn in my phone camera light and about the time I I hit the button I was in the ground. Just so fucking quick. I had absolutely no idea what happened at the time and felt my chin double tap the ground and went to close my eyes and cry. Then realized I couldn't do that, I don't know how hurt I am. So I found my phone in the trashcan found the flatbed cart that had moved in front of my path after we left that afternoon. I got up and thought thank goodness, I can move. I got my papers and just wanted to get home to asses the damage. I was really trying not to go to an ER or anything and if I could move then I was ok. 

I'm definitely about to share pics simply because... Damn. My chin when I got home.. I ended up with a solid knot and though pressure no longer hurts there is still a tiny bump. 

and my knee.. my left knee... Damn it. I took the picture and all I thought about was how my knee looked like a head of the three headed troll thing in the movie Willow lol

I was just so damn mad. I am TOO old to fall or get hurt. I need my fucking body if I'm going to survive, seriously. I have no one but myself in this life and I must not fall or get hurt! So I was hella mad. People were freaking out and when I woke up Saturday I could move so I did. I used the hell out of my leg. I unpacked, Did laundry, cleaned, things I had been neglecting because I'd been sick and exhausted. Come Sunday... I hurt. 

Bruising started to show up come Sunday. I messaged my Dr and sent pics..

she got the above and the below pictures 

She was instantly worried and asked about it being wrapped. I told her no way, the idea of the pain from that pressure sounds horrible. So I continued onward. By Wed it was hurting the entire backside of my leg and I couldn't relieve it so I messaged. I took a Friday appointment and left with my leg wrapped. 

i couldn't handle sleeping with it in, so I took them off. 

I was surprised how much the swelling went down and the bruising actually was making a difference, I had not thought about the wrapping being basically a compression sock. So I continued to wrap it for about a week, it got annoying trying to work with it and ai had so much to get caught up and had to be in the kitchen. 

I did have other bruises, ended up with a decent bruise on y left shoulder, my right hand.. thumb/palm area eventually swelled up and turned purple. But when everything was done

Nithing major. At this point I have no swelling... My knee does bother me at times and I need to work on strengthening it and should probably start taping it. 

So.. that was directly after sick and so we start to hit the end of the month of April, finally healed and horribly busy at work. I'd already been trying to figure out how to stop showing my frustrations and I'd definitely gotten mouthy in the kitchen, the true colors had come out and no matter how much I did or how hard I worked I was wrong and could do nothing right. I'd be brought into their office and told how I was failing and was not capable. I couldn't say anything because anything I said was an excuse, it didn't matter that I taught myself and was still trying to figure the steady chaos out. 

By this time I'm hitting the start of May and I've not had any time to even look at the Cultural Week things, I really knew nothing about it and I'd tested nothing. I wasn't worried about testing because honestly they were used last year and only one school was getting a significant amount and another a single pan of servings. I should have been worried though because I knew nothing about any of it, I was busy helping my people get their things done. They were more important to me. So after a nightmare week and me already wanting to walk away because I'm over the exhaustion, the lack of support or tools to pull anything off, the inability to see that we need more than just me. I walked into an even bigger nightmare. 

Cultural Week. I was at a point where I didn't care. I wasn't having time to even prep for myself and everything I was doing was wrong.. at every damn turn. I was steadily being berated on the floor, I'd actually had employees ask me why they are doing this to me. I went in Early Monday and had to Tuesday. Wed was a nightmare.. I was in at 5am and had to stay until the next meal was done, I was there until just after 7pm. Every damn day... I was just berated. I would go into a cooler and say I give you, I cannot keep doing this. I was being treated and spoken to in a way that I had fought to never out up with again. My entire life I was told in so many words that I was worthless and incapable. I was working with absolute trash. Recipes consistently were trash. Not one would ever make what it was supposed to, we constantly had to scramble (and I've since learned they've always been like this). This kitchen has had to do whatever it could to get by and make it happen. No leadership and nothing but disrespectful treatment. They hired me expecting that every possible issue would be fixed quickly and easily and there is so much to fix on top of just trying to keep it running semi smoothly that it will take a significant amount of time for anyone and longer when you drop someone in the kitchen without even a floaty tube. 

Friday the 17th, last Friday, I went in and wanted to leave as soon as possible. I had my Bad Religion and Social Distortion concert and I was exhausted and it was 2.5 hrs away. Cultural Week was over and it didn't go well. I was there til freaking 4pm the night befire and I didn't finish what was expected done by 1. The last recipe was just dumb. Had to go through it step by step and it was dumb so I pointed out what it said but what should actually be done, because every recipe is written horribly and they've acknowledged that. I scaled every damn thing out per the recipe.  It was a Kenyan Beef Rice and Potatoe recipe and I knew nothing about it. I've known nothing about any of them really. I do not cook to this level of Cultural Cooking, for one thing I want quality ingredients when I am trying to cook something from another culture to ensure I am treating it properly and that requires money and I really do not have the funds to buy things like that. The fact that the recipe starts with hot oil first and the equipment you have basically takes at least half the day out of the mix due to the drainage hole at the bottom of the actual kettle sets everything up for a certain amount of error. Once it was to the point where you could taste it the flavor was painfully bland. I didn't know what it was supposed to taste like but that had no flavor. I asked her to please taste it, I have no idea what it should taste like or look like, it's very bland though. So she's looking at the recipe and commenta how little spices were listed (this is the second time today she's looked at that recipe, the first time was to tell me my problem is that it says a 2/3 c serving, it should always be 1c extremely rude. My response was that is what is listed for the menu item. Take her show her and she has me change it to 1c and walks away. I print it to see the difference and there is none. So that landed in her office and wasting 10min for her to say well it is scaled out correctly for that size, odd.) So now she's deciding the spice amounts were off. She walks away and comes back to say the spices were scaled for a serving of 8.. like that was my job to know. I'm sorry, I know nothing about Kenyan cooking and would have no idea that it wasn't supposed to be a certain flavor impact. She then didn't like the mouth feel and since I happened to have a case of butter, added 2 lbs and then went in about it needing fat and such. I just wanted to be done because every comment was just dumb. It was made clear to me I need to follow their recipes, why would I deviate now... When you're up my ass. So finally she tells me it's good where it is and get it split into pans. I still didn't print things but man it was 4 And I wanted to leave. 

So I go in, get things going and since there are no actual reheat instructions I ran with what we talked about last night. As usual, I'd already done everything wrong and now my rice isn't done. How was it do e last night and not this morning. I was ridiculed on the floor, I'm trying to get everything out and she tells me I have til 9am to have this recipe done so my cook can start cooking it. I just stared at her, I e been busting my ass, for real, busting my ass and I'm just like whatever. It's obviously not going to be an early day but I am leaving at 1. So I'm trying to prep shit so I can get it done once I took care of tlgetting that kor Inga out and cleaned up mess. So nope it wasn't done, I was trying to get the water boiling so I could finish the stupid thing and they take me into the office. 

They decided I have no skill whatsoever, I cannot cook, I cannot manage, I am incapable of doing anything. I just stared at them. I did not cry but I was just in shock. I had been told about an hour prior that "Working for them is like being in an abusive relationship" and it made so much sense because it did. The less support I got the less I became because of that constant reminder. They told me I needed to leave, go home and reread your job description and decide if you want to or even can manage this kitchen. You have one last chance and need to walk in here Monday the person we expected when we hired you." I got my shit and I left. 

I was mad, for real. 1. I'd been questioning myself and decided no. I've done a lot by myself and with no actual training. I had to figure everything out I have in my damn own and reminded myself of that so I'm actually proud. 2. I have worked really fucking hard on myself and NO ONE gets to speak to me that way, NO ONE. I did not choose to survive to be abused for a paycheck. Literally slowly stripped me of my confidence and no one is allowed to do that. For real. NO ONE is allowed to talk to me like that again. How fucking dare you tell me I have no skill. My expectations are unrealistic, there is no question about that BUT they are officially absolutely unattainable. I went to breakfast with Lindsey and Candy and was talking about this and then gave an example of what was coming Monday. And I realized.. I. That moment that they knew I was going into a week worse than the last two and they will deal with me until the worst part was over Wednesday late morning. I'm not even going to discuss just what was expected and I knew. Why am I going to put myself through that? This past week was an absolute fucking nightmare, and I was going into an even worse week and already been bashed. They were doing it in purpose. 

So I realized I couldn't. I used my two sick days and I'm done. I started looking and out in some applications and I am hopeful but am also aware that I will be taking anything because I walked away. I found the boundary that I will no longer let be pushed, you will not speak to me that way. 

I've been struggling on and off but I keep saying no. You do not get to tell me I have no skill. What they need is a manager, a close to full time Lead Cook and a Lead Line person. To get done what is needed is more than they are willing to acknowledge and they will continue to go through managers. I'm the 4th in so many years and I should have listened, I should have heard everyone in the beginning but I was determined and overly optimistic. 

So I tossed my life in the air and I've told almost no one because I do not want my Mom to worry. I will be working and I will keep everything paid for. I will. But fuck that ... Fuck having the nerve to say that to me. That's as bad as my dad telling me to reach for something more attainable as he laughed. I worked too hard, I was there for a reason and there are always lessons but I refuse to put myself through that. 

No regrets. 

Today I feel weird. I was restless in the early morning hours. I got up knowing I needed to think about what to eat, I didn't generally eat breakfast but I'm home. It weighed in me that I stopped everything. I haven't been cleaning like I was either, dust has built up and may my bathroom needs to be cared for and realizing that is how I ended up here. 

Made oatmeal, kept saying I need to apply for more jobs but I really wanted my journals and really wanted my tarot cards. So they're on my bed. 

I opened this Journal 

it was supposed to be a book of things I am grateful for and so forth. 

this is as far as I got. My jar of Happiness was packed away and has yet to come back out. I literally stopped. I had told myself I would never stop and get I did. My frustrations got so out of control, I was not facing challenges with grace but I did force a boundary and regardless of my fear hoovering near by I stand by my decision and trust myself and the Universe. I will be working, I'm simply not going to be treated and spoken to like that ever again. 

Ever. 

~ T ~ 

Man... I'm a procrastinating slacker.. for reals..

I'm making myself write this. I have to. My last post was Jan. 30 and I am not going to stop.. I can't. 

I am sick ATM. I feel like crap. I left early yesterday and called in today and I seem to be sick monthly. I am sure my eating has a hand in that because no matter what I choose to eat I eat far too much of it. I was feeling the gain but I also see if now. I don't want that. I know how much it hurts and I don't want to hurt more. I do not. The sugar and crap hurts. 

I've also slowed my momentum in the house. I did put clothes away Sunday, Saturday I grocery shopped. Oh hey I moved into the house. See.. that happened too. I moved in Feb. 24th. In fact it'll be a full month in a few days. I love it.. but also at times I hate it. 

I don't have furniture, which is fine but I also feel at a standstill cause things just gotta stay where they are.. scattered in boxes and chaotic. I'm not sure where several things are. I feel so incomplete, kinda overwhelmingly spacious. I gave space but things feel so so empty. I think I've grown accustomed to having everything pressing in on me and it gave me comfort and now it's so empty, everywhere. I'm not used to this kind of empty. It's a different kind of empty and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm annoyed I just realized this or I would have brought it up in therapy since I made myself go today. Crappy as I was I went. I acknowledged my awareness with my eating. I'm absolutely eating horribly. Bingeing and eating until discomfort.. pretty sure I caused an acid reflux issue and that hasn't happened in a long time. Yet I continue to eat. I've noticed I still have many times I feel guilty for buying food or eating something and I don't understand why. I mean now there's literally no reason why. I literally caught myself walk through my kitchen saying because I can.. and that needs not to be a reason I am eating. Because I can is not a justifiable reason to shove unnecessary amounts of food I to my mouth. I may have not bought candy.. I have ice cream, and I eat huge amounts of fruit. Which is still unhealthy. It's too much and too much sugar regardless of it being natural (it's only so natural because we genetically modify everything anymore..) to eat the massive bowl I do when I am already full simply because I can. 

I feel old Tina showing up and being too comfortable and I'm afraid I don't know how to stop her. 

I hope my present funk is simply my cold. My face is painful and I'm just kinda heavy. I want to be asleep but I don't want to be asleep cause I feel like I never really just sit but then I feel like I just sit every single night so how do I just keep sitting then. I feel like I've stopped my work. I've stopped and I don't know why other than old Tina is trying to come back and I do not want that. I cannot let that happen. I will not let that happen. 

I really don't know where I am supposed to go now that I'm here. I'm basically independent and I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I have an insane amount to physically do in this house to feel remotely put together and I really feel kinda stuck for the moment but.. what am I supposed to do now? I'm obviously not done with therapy and figuring out how to be a healed human one day but what else do I do? I guess I never really expected to be where I am. And I am questioning that. I'm here and I won't deny that and I will not lose it. I will do everything necessary to stay where I am. I just.. what next? I don't know, I'm just on this waivering tight rope of what the fuck is next and feeling oddly bored but also oddly empty. 

My boss nominated me for a week long convention.. I was accepted and it's already booked. They have an amazing belief in me and again I'm waivering .. I keep making dumb mistakes I should not be, things should be smoother and they are not. It's frustrating to say the least. This job is mine though and I will NOT give up. This is a hell of an opportunity and I must remember that. So... Yeah... Right rope. 

I'm tired AF.. really I am.. but I need to remember why I was doing this. 

I cannot stop..

~ T ~

When The Universe Has Your Back..

Like.. I really really need to step it up. Really I do. 

BUT can I discuss the amazing things going on. Really. I dropped men really... Finally just let M go away.. when I quit Kroger he was appalled. Do you have anything lined up and so on. Literally appalled. I was really taken aback like .. why the fuck is this really your concern? Like I absolutely was NOT about to put any expectations on him? Like it was literally nothing that would effect him other than me not coming. I mean ... I got my amazing job and postponed starting to see him which... Uhm didn't even happen. Cause he cancelled twice. Which honestly I was fine with because I'd been done but am not able to speak up that way... YET! I will be.. which is why I should be working on things. And when he read I found an awesome job he wasn't really excited but had the audacity to say he was proud of me..that still burns me. You don't know me... AT ALL... You have no right to say you're proud of me ... Ever. Especially given the bullshit of whatever the fuck it was from 4th of July on. Like. Seriously. Yet.. I still have his key and I simply went away. I keep waiting for him to unfriend me but he has not and whatever. Feel free to watch my growth from the sidelines.

What I have found was as soon as I decided I was done... With M and R was gone and all I focused on was me. Even T is not before me.i help, enable more than I should but I have said no and I stand my ground. I put me back to focus and boom my amazing job. 

This job though. I love it, truly , but it's so much! I'm exhausted and the idea of working on things when I get home from work is just more exhausting so . I haven't. I have made sure to do my book and I am doing my daily blog and staying very aware. 

What's crazy is my last post was literally the day.. I think that my current holy shit was even seen. Ive reread it and I don't even remember doing it, that worries me so. Then I checked FB and yup that's when I saw it. 

The 21st. I drove down Jefferson heading to the Laundromat from Sturgis and there was a for rent sign, in front of the cutest little house. And I made a mental note but when I got to the light, right at my job, I turned around. I got the info and was determined to move forward on it. I got to the Laundromat, started my clothes and researched as far as I could. It wasn't much, minimal info on Zillow. I messaged a couple friends and was so excited. It's $1200 a month + Utilities and utilities $1200 down. I have half in savings because my plan was to hopefully move in March. So I got home and I called. The current resident moves out the 26th. We can see it then but let me send the application. 

So the next day I printed it and filled it out at work. Tuesday was a snow day and super icy so no school and I stayed home. I worked but stayed home. So on Wednesday I sent the application along with an email explaining somethings. I didn't want to share too much but I also wanted to be honest and forthcoming. I got a text the next day that they received the application and will be in touch. So I waited. And I waited. I woke up in an especially shitty mood in Saturday and started questioning so much. And I drew cards and checked myself and went to bed. Sunday was laundry so I headed there about 11. 

I had just put my clothes in the dryer and I got a text about verifying income because I'd only been working there for 2 months. So I said absolutely and such. We chatted a bit and then they asked if I'd seen the house. And just like that I was seeing the house when my clothes finished drying. 

It is the cutest little house! Only 738sq ftish 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom and a finished basement on just under an acre. Detached 2 car garage. Like.. it's perfect and I can walk from work. So we shake hands, he was ready right then but she wanted to verify that I wouldn't struggle. It was more concern for me than them. They were really nice. So I found my paystubs and sent them off Monday morning. 

I heard nothing. So today . Tuesday was a long day. I was in at 5 and I didn't stop until 11. I walked into my kisses office and said "I've been going for six hours, can we do my review so I can sit for a bit". He laughed and said sure. 

I've never had a review like this. He told me I "was the breath of fresh air we needed." There was absolutely nothing negative and I'm still just so shocked. It was so empowering and simply wonderful! So then we chatted and I happened to ask how to find out what I am at rate wise and explained the house and he said I can show you the math but I can tell you where you're at with your raise that will take effect Feb 1st and will be either in this check or the next one. I stared for a moment and thanked him and went to my desk. I instantly emailed the owners and let them know that I was just given a raise and wanted to make sure I shared the change because I was excited about the opportunity. 

I received an email within minutes, "you are not a bother. I actually texted you this morning offeya year lease." I just kinda silently squealed and responded with YAY! And went from there. So I am renting a house! 

In a week I am now renting a house within walking distance from work. I'm just so proud of me. Truly. I am in a place personally I never fathomed I'd be. My headspace has never been as it is and I didn't know I really could change it. I really do plan to thank E one day I think because had I never ended up so low and broken I never would have helped myself. I would have stayed as long as I could and dealt with it. All of that was for the better good because now I am finding out just who the hell I am and I have no intention of stopping. I want to feel the way I do about my job in every part of my lifeandi I intend to. 

Today was... Amazing

 And I am cute AF

~ T ~

What the heck am I doing...

I am moving forward. I keep coming up with reasons I am not writing in this blog. I started my new blog Jan. 1, and it is intended to be a daily blog. So far at most I skip one day and have only done that once. It will also always include pictures though not always selfies. I want it a daily tracker of me I guess. I am always so tired when I get home and winter is absolutely not helping with that but I definitely need to be more attentive. I have no intention of stopping this blog or the personal work on myself because I am far from finished, especially regarding my mental health. I am so much further than I expected to be but I believe my Job has pushed me to this point because I am in fact DOING my job while learning more. I am DOING IT. And that helped open my eyes. I am far more capable than I ever imagined and some day I will tell R he was right regarding my potential. I never viewed myself with enough worth to even see just how much potential I truly had and now well I have the perfect image that I keep feeling needs shared so may as well place it here.

I am finally realizing myself and I am not going to question myself anymore. I have no reason to. Look what I have done in the last two months. I am super proud of myself at work and I know I have made mistakes but I think I have been doing so well and my employees are genuinely happy to see me and talk to me. I just, I am proud of myself. I am truly fixing myself, healing myself, growing as a whole. I never want to stop that, I never want to be so content with myself that I plateau because I want to always continue growing. Continue to always better myself as an individual and as a human. This journey is no longer just about me fixing myself, this is about me giving back, being a better human and soul. Me knowing that we should never stop. I will figure out a way to dedicate time to this journey, because I definitely think I am making excuses and that is old T.. new T is done with excuses. She is here to act not just speak. ~ T ~

Love Languages... Gifts.

So.. this has been on my mind the last few days. I'm not fully sure why. Actually, it's been since Christmas and Work when my boss gave me flowers. 

Months ago.. easily Aug maybe even July. There'd been a post shared that listed the love languages. I had questioned whether I could even answer those about myself. 

And my friend spoke up and said something along the lines of "Obviously gifts are one of yours given how excited you were getting flowers from Matt" and though I agreed it didn't feel right. I was completely shocked when I opened that door and M had flowers and then pulled out a little stuffed elephant he said he got from a claw machine. I was in such shock that he had things it didn't matter what they were it was that he had something, something for me. That he thought of me. 

So.. let's jump to Christmas. Alicia... Got me all things me. She listened, she heard me. She knew I loved horror and got me a pink (I never realized how much you liked pink she said to me haha) IT beanie that is cute as hell and she got me a set of horror socks. She worried they wouldn't fit but not that I wouldn't like them. She got me a planner, she heard me several times mention that I'm just gonna have to learn to use a planner. Everything was me. She THOUGHT about me when she picked things out. 

That made me think, how I hated when ExH2 would ask every damn year... "What do you want for Christmas and your Birthday, I don't know what to get." How the fuck do you NOT know me enough to pick me out a gift. I don't think I'm difficult, I love the kitchen and cookbooks, any cookbook, any kitchen gadgets, fuck a set of kitchen towels the scream Tina. Horror, Rocky, Tootsie Pops.. sharks, cabbage patch kids, like fuck in easy really. 

I mean... Very obviously ALL of them man. All of them BUT.. I simply want to be thought of. My Mom & Marlo were who thought of me, Mirm when she came into my life. Otherwise... I can't say I was thought if much at all. My Dad never thought of me, he'd even speak to me in my actual birthday and never acknowledge anything. Mom got me my Cabbage Patch Kid I wanted so badly, she upped it to a blonde hair, green eyed doll (just like me) my Dad grabbed the first he found without a thought. Bryan was who he thought about and made sure I knew it. 

Even my Grandparents. At a time men really weren't involved and my Grandma, she never thought of me either. She'd get me things she liked or how she wanted me to be. Nothing ever actually for me. I was glad when she decided money was better simply because I could pick something out for myself. 

ExH1 I shouldn't even bother with. In an attempt to be low maintenance I'd made a comment about how I wasn't a girl who needed flowers, I didn't know that translated into never being thought of. Every anniversary, holiday, birthday (if I got anything because often it was, I can't afford it we just had Christmas. I didn't need anything extravagant, a card woulda been nice, shit one you wrote yourself) was the most generic possibly picked up. I put him first in every way, both of them honestly, it's what I was taught to do but I could only take being disregarded for so long. 

I understand that I cannot expect the same in return, we are all different people and that's fine, but I can have expectations of being thought of. I pay attention and I see and feel when it changes. I just want to be important enough to someone that I truly matter, that I'm thought of not as a random passing thought. 

im gonna throw in this meme because with all the work I'm doing, I'm no longer say trying to because I actively am, I am just not certain if I ever did anything romantic again I will not need reassurance. That tells me I just shouldn't bother until I know how to not need reassurance. 

I've been lucky to have acquired a few amazing friends that have helped me see the importance of being thought of. Marci & Spencer have always made it so clear to me and my Friend Alina too. I only know her online but we're so very close and I'm so grateful for them. Just being thought of. 

I will not ever settle for not being thought of though, never fucking again. Either know me or move the fuck on. I don't want to waste my time or energy anymore. I'm too precious to waste. 

~ T ~ 

Procrastination? Lazy? just don't want to???

I've NEEDED to blog for weeks... Seriously weeks. Needed to because I'm not stopping my work on myself. I will not stop. But... I'm tired man lol and I don't want to use my 1... maybe 2 hrs on more work right now. Yes, necessary work but still man lol. 

My new job is amazing but I'm exhausted and right now I'm just trying to be present. I did stop many things but I've already started them back up. I've not blogged simply because I don't know what I want to cover and really there's quite a bit. But right now ... This very minute... I've decided to blog. 

I've spent my life forcing smiles, acting like I was happy when I was so full of negativity, anger, frustration, unhappiness, etc. Even with amazing people my mind would shadow them and still I'd feel... All that ick. 

I was looking at pics from tonight. It's my birthday and I turned 48 and I think I've actually truly smiled more today than in my entire life. I felt the smile, it's a thing you can feel it and when I see my smiles.. I see the feeling behind them. 

One of my dearest friends..I mean honestly.. he's one of my best friends.. Spencer.. will be why I make it to Florida and there are just no words. We snap daily and have for like 3 years now. We'd been snapping and he cashapped me $10 and said "get something yummy on me". It wasn't the $10.. it was how he is. He was the first person to call me Queen and on a daily basis, he barely knew me when he gifted me so much love that I needed without question. I'd seen this filter and took the snap with the biggest smile and sitting here I can literally remember taking it and how fucking great I felt. I've felt great all day.. and not a physical great but in my head. I made errors today and I didn't say anything to myself but "tomorrow and every day after you won't forget them".. I am doing one of the preschools on my own, only my second day but I chose not to shadow and wing it. Boss was cool but still I made the jobs harder at a preschool for 50. Still, I did not bash or say anything negative, at all. This actually just went through my head. This realization. 

I truly never imagined I could feel or think differently and I'm not done, I know I'm not. I'm far from it. But tonight, sitting here looking at my smiles, I actually see myself differently. I see myself in a way I've never considered possible. 

i see happy and it's with me and it's nothing I've really ever felt. I've been proud.. I lost 102lbs and busted my ass, I have degrees and the closest would have been earning my ACF title, but I didn't feel the way I do in these pictures. I don't know if I've seen these actual smiles before and they made me need to acknowledge that, be aware of how they feel. 

I like feeling this way. It was exhausting before, just existing was exhausting. It's draining feeling so heavy day in and day out. 

I truly had no idea I could in fact change; I also acknowledge how very privileged I am.  That I was able to take this journey, that I could because I have such an amazing support system. I absolutely am privileged and will continue to share and help others if I can. 

I have so much further to go and I've no idea what to expect but for once I'm not going to be afraid. The Universe speaks and we need to be aware enough to see it. I tossed my life into the air just over two years ago, I said I wouldn't waste what I did and I don't think I have. If anything I have overcome and finally took care of myself for myself. I've decided to finally challenge myself in a way I've really avoided all of my life. I've decided not only do I deserve to challenge myself, that I am worth the challenges but that I also deserve to enjoy the benefits of those challenges. 

I may be putting off much lately but I decided to not disregard the impact of myself today, my 48th Birthday.

~Happy Birthday T!!~

Transformation? Growth? Healing?

I don't care what it is but I like it. I like how it feels. And I'm still absolutely shocked that this is how I feel. 

The day after my last post, we decided my start date. I have the job. It is mine just like I said it was. I'm still in shock I guess.. not that it's mine but that I so firmly believed it and claimed it. At no point in the process did I think anything other than this was mine. It's bizarre and I still feel this way. I'm just ready to get this going. 

This job is LIFE changing for me and I will remind myself of that. The opportunity given to me is one I simply could not ignore or deny. Every decision from the moment I hit apply was for myself. I will not waste what I did. I did not throw my life up into the air to not grow and do better for myself. To heal and grow. The only way to do that was level up, and that's what I decided when I hit apply. 

I want that in every aspect of my life. I want that certainty, that belief in myself in every aspect of my life. That is now a goal. I fucking loved how I felt and feel. I'm not scared! I'm not worried! I do not know if there was ever a time I wasn't worried about every part of my life. Everything was linked to worry and stress. Now.. work... Is a foundation. Not a worry and I've not even had my first day. 

My therapist just smiled and just showed so much happiness and pride for me and I'm so unbelievably grateful for her and this path. Every few months my reason changes. I'm more determined to work on my mental health and find out who I am supposed to be or grow into. It's painful AF, harder than I imagined but I'll be damned if it works (if we put in true, honest effort) and there is nothing that will make me return to old me. Forward is all I am willing to accept from here on. 

~T~