Love Languages... Gifts.

So.. this has been on my mind the last few days. I'm not fully sure why. Actually, it's been since Christmas and Work when my boss gave me flowers. 

Months ago.. easily Aug maybe even July. There'd been a post shared that listed the love languages. I had questioned whether I could even answer those about myself. 

And my friend spoke up and said something along the lines of "Obviously gifts are one of yours given how excited you were getting flowers from Matt" and though I agreed it didn't feel right. I was completely shocked when I opened that door and M had flowers and then pulled out a little stuffed elephant he said he got from a claw machine. I was in such shock that he had things it didn't matter what they were it was that he had something, something for me. That he thought of me. 

So.. let's jump to Christmas. Alicia... Got me all things me. She listened, she heard me. She knew I loved horror and got me a pink (I never realized how much you liked pink she said to me haha) IT beanie that is cute as hell and she got me a set of horror socks. She worried they wouldn't fit but not that I wouldn't like them. She got me a planner, she heard me several times mention that I'm just gonna have to learn to use a planner. Everything was me. She THOUGHT about me when she picked things out. 

That made me think, how I hated when ExH2 would ask every damn year... "What do you want for Christmas and your Birthday, I don't know what to get." How the fuck do you NOT know me enough to pick me out a gift. I don't think I'm difficult, I love the kitchen and cookbooks, any cookbook, any kitchen gadgets, fuck a set of kitchen towels the scream Tina. Horror, Rocky, Tootsie Pops.. sharks, cabbage patch kids, like fuck in easy really. 

I mean... Very obviously ALL of them man. All of them BUT.. I simply want to be thought of. My Mom & Marlo were who thought of me, Mirm when she came into my life. Otherwise... I can't say I was thought if much at all. My Dad never thought of me, he'd even speak to me in my actual birthday and never acknowledge anything. Mom got me my Cabbage Patch Kid I wanted so badly, she upped it to a blonde hair, green eyed doll (just like me) my Dad grabbed the first he found without a thought. Bryan was who he thought about and made sure I knew it. 

Even my Grandparents. At a time men really weren't involved and my Grandma, she never thought of me either. She'd get me things she liked or how she wanted me to be. Nothing ever actually for me. I was glad when she decided money was better simply because I could pick something out for myself. 

ExH1 I shouldn't even bother with. In an attempt to be low maintenance I'd made a comment about how I wasn't a girl who needed flowers, I didn't know that translated into never being thought of. Every anniversary, holiday, birthday (if I got anything because often it was, I can't afford it we just had Christmas. I didn't need anything extravagant, a card woulda been nice, shit one you wrote yourself) was the most generic possibly picked up. I put him first in every way, both of them honestly, it's what I was taught to do but I could only take being disregarded for so long. 

I understand that I cannot expect the same in return, we are all different people and that's fine, but I can have expectations of being thought of. I pay attention and I see and feel when it changes. I just want to be important enough to someone that I truly matter, that I'm thought of not as a random passing thought. 

im gonna throw in this meme because with all the work I'm doing, I'm no longer say trying to because I actively am, I am just not certain if I ever did anything romantic again I will not need reassurance. That tells me I just shouldn't bother until I know how to not need reassurance. 

I've been lucky to have acquired a few amazing friends that have helped me see the importance of being thought of. Marci & Spencer have always made it so clear to me and my Friend Alina too. I only know her online but we're so very close and I'm so grateful for them. Just being thought of. 

I will not ever settle for not being thought of though, never fucking again. Either know me or move the fuck on. I don't want to waste my time or energy anymore. I'm too precious to waste. 

~ T ~