I am sick ATM. I feel like crap. I left early yesterday and called in today and I seem to be sick monthly. I am sure my eating has a hand in that because no matter what I choose to eat I eat far too much of it. I was feeling the gain but I also see if now. I don't want that. I know how much it hurts and I don't want to hurt more. I do not. The sugar and crap hurts.
I've also slowed my momentum in the house. I did put clothes away Sunday, Saturday I grocery shopped. Oh hey I moved into the house. See.. that happened too. I moved in Feb. 24th. In fact it'll be a full month in a few days. I love it.. but also at times I hate it.
I don't have furniture, which is fine but I also feel at a standstill cause things just gotta stay where they are.. scattered in boxes and chaotic. I'm not sure where several things are. I feel so incomplete, kinda overwhelmingly spacious. I gave space but things feel so so empty. I think I've grown accustomed to having everything pressing in on me and it gave me comfort and now it's so empty, everywhere. I'm not used to this kind of empty. It's a different kind of empty and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm annoyed I just realized this or I would have brought it up in therapy since I made myself go today. Crappy as I was I went. I acknowledged my awareness with my eating. I'm absolutely eating horribly. Bingeing and eating until discomfort.. pretty sure I caused an acid reflux issue and that hasn't happened in a long time. Yet I continue to eat. I've noticed I still have many times I feel guilty for buying food or eating something and I don't understand why. I mean now there's literally no reason why. I literally caught myself walk through my kitchen saying because I can.. and that needs not to be a reason I am eating. Because I can is not a justifiable reason to shove unnecessary amounts of food I to my mouth. I may have not bought candy.. I have ice cream, and I eat huge amounts of fruit. Which is still unhealthy. It's too much and too much sugar regardless of it being natural (it's only so natural because we genetically modify everything anymore..) to eat the massive bowl I do when I am already full simply because I can.
I feel old Tina showing up and being too comfortable and I'm afraid I don't know how to stop her.
I hope my present funk is simply my cold. My face is painful and I'm just kinda heavy. I want to be asleep but I don't want to be asleep cause I feel like I never really just sit but then I feel like I just sit every single night so how do I just keep sitting then. I feel like I've stopped my work. I've stopped and I don't know why other than old Tina is trying to come back and I do not want that. I cannot let that happen. I will not let that happen.
I really don't know where I am supposed to go now that I'm here. I'm basically independent and I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I have an insane amount to physically do in this house to feel remotely put together and I really feel kinda stuck for the moment but.. what am I supposed to do now? I'm obviously not done with therapy and figuring out how to be a healed human one day but what else do I do? I guess I never really expected to be where I am. And I am questioning that. I'm here and I won't deny that and I will not lose it. I will do everything necessary to stay where I am. I just.. what next? I don't know, I'm just on this waivering tight rope of what the fuck is next and feeling oddly bored but also oddly empty.
My boss nominated me for a week long convention.. I was accepted and it's already booked. They have an amazing belief in me and again I'm waivering .. I keep making dumb mistakes I should not be, things should be smoother and they are not. It's frustrating to say the least. This job is mine though and I will NOT give up. This is a hell of an opportunity and I must remember that. So... Yeah... Right rope.
I'm tired AF.. really I am.. but I need to remember why I was doing this.
I cannot stop..
~ T ~
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