First.. I'm so damn glad to feel better. Being sick and having my emotions so scattered was a cluster fuck I'd prefer to NOT deal with haha.
It's 1:59pm and I'm drinking a Hot Venti Cinnamon Toast Crunch Latte on a porch that's not mine and it's breezy and cool and I just WANT to feel good today. I'm tired of not feeling good.
If I'm here and he's asleep or not here I WILL continue what I was doing and stop slacking. I'm not sure I was slacking per say but I've definitely procrastinated and let other things give me excuses to ignore what I need to do. I also have just been afraid, stupid afraid and I'm wondering if it's because of all of the things I consider failures, maybe it's not just my Spectrum Placement and if I can think of it as something I can beat or conquer then maybe I can deal with it.
Anyway! I took a shower and randomly decided on coffee and when I stepped out to a beautiful early fall day.. I wanted my coffee outside.. and I have earbuds and music.. and so let's Mental Toughness this a bit!
When I did this two years ago I really didn't know what I was going but I knew it would be difficult, I grossly underestimated just what this work would be and I admit many days I did nothing but be old Tina with New Tina repeating I need to get things done. I chose this book because I WANT to change, to be stronger in all ways possible. I want to find what I might have been had I been diagnosed as a child and not had the abuse I did.
There are 10 Benefits to becoming Mentally Tough:
"Benefit #1 - Greater Resistance to Negative Emotions"(pg.17)
Emotions.. UGH! Seriously I do not like them. I mean sure I love feeling amazing but I'd rather feel nothing if I have to deal with all the negative ones, they are far more engulfing regarding myself. "Negative emotions, such as anger, shame, fear, and anxiety prompt us to make terrible decisions, hide mistakes, and feel like giving up when things go awry." When I say engulfing, I am not exaggerating. Once the negative sets in I'm no longer in control. I had been doing so much better with distraction months ago but bringing in M I've felt myself going backwards and I cannot do this. It's like I've let my emotions run rapid and wasted 3 months letting them control everything. Mental toughness will help me learn to regulate my emotions and though I will still have and feel my negative emotions they will not have the impact they always have. Those negative feelings will have less of an impact on my behavior during "adverse conditions" (pg.17).
"Benefit #2 - Improved Performance"
"Peak performance stems from your mindset.
This includes how you respond to setbacks."
Regardless of who you are, the ability of high performance will depend on how we react when things go awry. If we cave when we are faced with setbacks then our performance will suffer. "Worse, you'll never fully reach your potential." (Pg. 18).
With mental toughness we can prepare for obstacles. Instead of caving when faced with obstacles, we can "approach them with grace and self-confidence." We’ll be better able to face difficult or unplanned situations and overcome challenges (pg. 18).
I sit here thinking about peak performance, I feel like there was a time in my life when I had drive, desire to accomplish something. I think of how proud I was to take over my dept with K when I was 24. I was the youngest dept head and I could do everything. I ran my department and went to school. There were several times that I truly enjoyed school, I enjoyed doing the events and that Chef always asked me because I could produce large amounts identically. 300 fruit tarts all looking exactly the same, today I'd say that's my Spectrum placement and the OCD that everything is to be properly presented every time. Visual presentation is very important to me. I was proud of my ability of my drive, my 20s saw my best kitchening and I admit if I'd had a tiny bit of belief in myself I truly could have been an actual Pastry Chef, but I did not. I was content to have a degree that looked like I was successful, to me this was all I could do. I had always wanted my own place but I always was tragically aware of what that took and what I didn't have. ExH1 had started saying ours and it was always MY dream, unattainable but still. That stopped me completely. Even once I left and considered trying again, the finance involved simply was not possible. It does not help that my expectations regarding my own business are extreme, I do not fuck around, so if it can't be what I want why would I waste the energy? That was enough for me and I think that was the last time I had any kind of peak performance. I struggle believing in myself at all and that is part of why I'm doing this. To find faith and belief in myself before I waste what's left of my life.
I really do not set out to have insanely long ass posts but what's the point of I don't ramble to myself and work out what I need to? I see this as a journal I post and my intent is to help dig into myself and try to figure myself out and work on what I find out, also gives me the ability to realize things I need to bring up with my therapist.
"Benefit #3 - Confidence That Circumstances Will Improve"
"If you’re not resilient to adversity, it’s easy to become fatalistic when things go wrong. You may feel like giving up, convinced that life isn’t fair. You might be inclined to concede defeat, telling yourself that persevering would be for naught because current conditions are unlikely to get better." This is where I lived my life, as a victim. To me that is exactly what it's saying. I was a victim my entire life. I blamed my Dad and my Brother, I've since realized my Grandma has just as much involvement in creating me as they did but she was not part of my excuses to be a victim at that time. The damage from childhood set me to just see myself as a victim and that there was nothing I could do about that. I simply was, at least in my head.
I tried to do so much in my first marriage, I don't think I was completely fatalistic at that time. I think about it and I worked two or three jobs just trying to make our life better, I did as much as I could to keep everything afloat. ExH1 was content as he was, making little attempt to do anything to benefit us or our home. Jobs were never more than 2 years, at one point he just didn't work for a month and that's the only time I lost electricity and lost my car. I don't think defeat had set in much, ExH2 and I started talking as I was leaving Indiana, we were a rebound that kinda worked but definitely damaged us both in the end because neither of us were in a place to move forward as we did,I see that now.
By ExH2 I was done working that hard, done being the only person to keep us afloat. My win, ExH2 worked. But he also dismissed anything that was an issue, he refused to see it and chose to just not deal with it because it'd go away. So instead of being the only one keeping us afloat I was the only one trying to create and build. I was once again doing everything alone. By the time I was spiraling my fatalistic views fully set in by mid 2017, when we took on a house I knew was impossible, but Tina can't fully speak up so she sits quietly and lets the S/O have what they need instead.
Resilience.. I've been writing"I am Resilient " in my book of 3 things I am and 3 things I did today since I started that book in 2019. 4 years I've been writing things I am and I will miss days because I choose (<--- yup this is a choice to dismiss myself) to simply not do it. I'll look at my book and say tomorrow and then it'll be 5 days and I make myself update all I missed. Do I have resilience? To a point I must, I'm here. I'm trying to heal and grow, despite my falls and give up moments so I must right? I feel my victim trying to pop back into her previous space but I do fight it now. I'll remind myself that I am actually a survivor. ExH2 opened my eyes to that with his actions and responses to everything. He would prefer to be a victim and I will NOT be him. I did this for ME!
Circumstances are always changing, typically they change because of our own actions. "Stressful situations can either become more stressful or relaxing based on our behavioral responses to stress-inducing stimuli." Our reactions determine whether uncomfortable situations become "more uncomfortable or pleasant." Mental resilience to adverse situations helps us tolerate those situations better and gives us the confidence that we will persevere and "be rewarded as circumstances inevitably improve." (Pg. 18).
.. Obviously this was postponed. It's 09/26/23, 4:37pm. Maybe I can finish this up without being long winded. I do believe that working on this Saturday as I did helped me communicate better and I am very grateful for that.
Benefit #4 - Greater Ability to Manage Stress
"Stress stems from the expectation of consequences, both real and perceived." The knowledge that everything we do can end with a negative effect. "If we perform poorly, something bad will happen." An example from the book is salespeople hitting their sales quotas or rusk listing their jobs (pg. 19).
With mental strength, we are able to fight the pressures we face instead of giving into them. <--- yeah.. I do not handle stress well. I definitely did not prior to now, I do think I am better than I was but I am definitely not tenacious in my dealings with stress, shit life for that matter. I automatically expect the worst to happen, I am trying to change that because it is not healthy to think that way, I also believe we make things happen, that the energy we put out us what we get back and I'm tired of all the heavy darkness.
Benefit #5 - Less Susceptibility to Self-Doubt
"No one escapes self-doubt entirely. Show me someone who always seems self-possessed, even to the point of arrogance, and I’ll show you someone who occasionally (and perhaps even frequently) second-guesses himself or herself."
We are all susceptible to self-doubt. We question our abilities, whether we'll reach out goals. Or my favorite the entertaining of "worst-case scenarios, allowing our inner critics to wreak havoc with our confidence." My ability to assume the worst case scenario is top notch. Trying to not go there is the hardest damn thing EVER!! I'm absolutely going through this to cut back my automatic assumption of the absolute worst being the constant outcome.
"Mental toughness doesn’t eliminate self-doubt. Instead, it prevents self-doubt from sabotaging your performance. It gives you a chance to acknowledge that even though failure is a possibility, fear of it stems from insecurity rather than hard evidence. Success is probably more likely than your inner critic insinuates (pg. 19)." I would really like to have faith and believe in myself, instead of constantly listening to my inner critic.
Benefit #6 - Greater Clarity Regarding Your Intentions and Purpose
"Dealing with adverse situations is difficult when you’re uncertain of the reasons you’re doing so."
This first sentence alone feels like a punch to the gut. It's been two years since I threw my life up into the air, two years. Have I come far enough? Have I been lazy? Been missing the old Tina than new Tina? I admit that lately I'm unsure why I'm doing this and if it's truly helping me get anywhere. I've definitely been questioning so much lately. So fucking much.
"It’s hard to stay motivated to act if you’re unclear about why you’re putting in the effort." Again. I'm truly unsure if I can even do what I'm trying to do which makes it harder to push forward. I wasn't prepared for all that's happened, it's been absolutely nothing I considered and so why would I assume I'm going to get anywhere at this point? It's just such a struggle to keep fighting sometimes. I guess I gotta remember that ultimately the reason for anybody it is simply Me.
"For example, suppose you’ve spent months looking for a job. Leads are showing little promise and your savings account is dwindling dangerously low. It’s easy to become frustrated. It’s tempting to give up. Such is the power of despair because it focuses on failure, obfuscating your purpose in the process. When you’re mentally strong, you’re able to focus on the reasons you’re trying to accomplish your goal. You’re less susceptible to feelings of hopelessness because you know why you’re taking action. That knowledge keeps you motivated to face any challenges that come your way (pg. 20)." I try to keep my conversations building up in my head instead of building down. I really try to stop those critical voices that try to stop me. Self awareness is a gift and a curse.
Benefit #7 - Fearlessness
"Fear of the unknown is one of the most common obstacles to our achieving our potential. It manifests in different ways, but one of these ways is familiar to us all: alarm at the prospect of venturing beyond our comfort zones. Humans place enormous value on comfort and predictability. We might claim to relish surprises and spontaneity, but in truth, most of us are creatures of habit. We follow routines. These routines make us feel comfortable and in control of our environments. To that end, the idea of trying something new causes us to hesitate. We fear the unknown. Mental toughness erodes this fear. It gives us the courage to venture outside our comfort zones and try new things. To that end, it gives us the opportunity to grow, developing new skills and acquiring new knowledge and insight (pg. 21)." I'ma just use ALL of this.. because fear is my biggest obstacle at this time. Fear of what feels like everything. I need this fearlessness.
"Benefit #8 - Ability to Accept (And Learn From) Failure"
"Failure is an inescapable part of life. It’s an ever-present possibility whenever we try to accomplish something. Most people will go to great lengths to avoid failure. They perceive it as an indictment of their character and value. Accordingly, they avoid taking risks and making mistakes, even though doing so stunts their personal and professional growth. Failure, to them, is unacceptable. Mental resilience prepares you to not only accept failure as a potential outcome of any endeavor, but allows you to learn from your mistakes. Rather than perceiving failure as a judgement on your character and value, you’ll see it as a chance to take corrective action for improved performance in the future. The prospect of failing will no longer hold any power over you (pg. 21)." Again.. who are we kidding. I've come to accept that I am a survivor but I still cannot see my life as anything but failure. I can't even say it was beneficial failure because I can't say I've learned anything, well at least until now. I'm trying to see things as lessons and trying to view my life as something other than failure but ultimately that's simply how I see my life.
"Benefit #9 - Greater Ability to Delay Gratification
"Given a choice, we prefer to experience gratification now rather than later. It’s human nature. The problem is, this intuitive inclination often imposes negative consequences. It motivates us to give up on our goals because they require too much effort. It chips away at our patience and impulse control as we perceive forbearance to be a type of needless suffering. It discourages us from working hard toward accomplishing an objective because we’re tempted by the pleasures available to us in the moment. Mental strength amplifies your ability to delay gratification. You’ll no longer be at the mercy of your impulses. You’ll be able to resist the temptations that surround you and devote your energy and attention to endeavors that promise bigger dividends down the road (pg.21)." I do not like to wait. I had this issue with losing weight. It's always a reward system.. but like why? I can just buy it anyway, what the point? I do not have self discipline, I am horrible with instant gratification. This is an area I also struggle greatly with.
"Benefit #10 - Willingness to Let Things Go
"We tend to hold onto things that have caused us emotional pain. Examples include mistakes that carried terrible consequences, perceived slights from others, and regrettable decisions from our distant past. These things can sometimes begin to define us. They become a part of our identity. When they become so, they rob us of the inner peace and confidence we would otherwise experience. When you develop mental toughness, you’ll become more inclined to let such things go. Rather than dwelling on past pains and regrets, you’ll see them as stepping stones to your continual growth. Every mistake become a lesson from which to acquire insight. Every perceived slight becomes an opportunity to nurture valued relationships. Every regrettable decision becomes a chance to reexamine your intentions and ensure they align with your values. Ultimately, after these things have served their purpose, you’ll be able to move on, leaving them where they belong: in the past (pg.23)." Regret.. it's a word that just.. hurts. This process has definitely made me think and regret. I don't want to regret but I also can't help it. I'm working hard to let things go, like my DBT Skills Workbook says.. it happened and there's nothing I can do about it, but I can't stop thinking and that still leads me to regret. I do not want to regret, I want to look back and maybe eventually be proud of myself. I deserve that right. To be proud. I'd like to think so. There's so much I need to address, to handle, to move through... and it's not just my damn mental health. So stinking damn much.
~T~
