I've thought of blogging, in fact I'd planned on blogging about sex.. but I still never opened blogger. I've thought about a couple different topics and yet I just couldn't open it up.
Today... It's my justification to myself that I did do something.
So last Wed I quit my job. I've needed to look for one but I just couldn't bring myself too (I know how I am and the idea of having to prove myself to get myself remotely comfortable is so fucking stressful that I'd rather deal with shit..). I was there 22 min and all I wanted was to leave. A call to verify the steps I needed to take and I just put in my notice. No plan, no backup, nothing just.. quit.
The only resume I find is not updated with Purdue which is annoying and the Indeed App doesn't seem all that helpful to me but I also have no faith in myself and it's frustrating af. I should note the resume is in my email and I can't update it on my phone or iPad, I have got to stop putting off getting a laptop. They're just fucking needed.
I went to lunch with Lindsey and we went to this place called Boardgasam.. omg it was like mind-blowing. Nothing we expected and the lady seemed super flakey. Much more chaotic than we expected, I just... I don't want a shit show. I just want to work. Honestly kinda want a warehouse job moving shit. No gym needed. Just fucking let me work. That's all I want you know. Pay me a decent wage and leave me alone. That's all I want now you know. I've no delusions that I'll find some dream job that leaves me happy and pays me. It's called work and I'd just like to NOT be treated like Kroger treats their employees (I can say this as I am one and it's my personal experience). I do not like to even say I work for them because it's embarrassing and shameful. I sold my soul long enough, I cannot stay there. I will basically have to get my ass to Lindsey's and update my resume.. just like... When man... Not that it requires so much effort but the idea sounds horrible and exhausting. Which doesn't mean I'm not going to do it but fuck... Not today. I just wanna not think about all of it.
I feel like I've wasted months because I let myself catch feelings, it still makes me sad despite my awareness and trying to put shit back in place because I know better. But feel the pain of emotions and I hate it. Seriously... I hate it. And because of that I look to the other person because it's not healthy at all either but occasionally fun AF. I just want to be cared about, some fucking attention.. but that's an ego need. I saw this meme... Not really a meme but..
I'm trapped in ego, I want to be wanted and feel wanted. I hate that that was woken up. I don't want to be that way. I do not. I want to be happy and content with just me! I do not want to feel lonely. I don't. I also do not want to give up sex but I've found that I need some kind of emotion with sex. That's why sex with R was so.. horrible. It felt robotic, like he was fucking me out of obligation. No emotion.. wouldn't touch me. I will never settle for that again.. I've always enjoyed all of my sexual experiences, I do not feel like I've had bad sex at all... But I thought sex was ruined with R and that I was never going to have great sex again. I was wrong and so fucking relieved.. seriously. I love sex and that will still be a blog soon.
I need to ensure I don't have too many feelings mixed in so I still get great sex but none of the damn feelings attached to shit because I do not want them haha... At fucking all. Truly I do not.
I keep having these conversations with myself, telling myself I know what the fuck I can do and to stop being do fucking afraid... But that's all I am and I really do not have time to be afraid! I don't. I cannot stay where I am, I am leaving and they requires me getting off my ass. Somehow.
On the upside I will publish this today and I've almost finished the pages my therapist gave me on Emotionally Immature Parents/People. I was NOT wasting today.
~T~
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