Man... I'm a procrastinating slacker.. for reals..

I'm making myself write this. I have to. My last post was Jan. 30 and I am not going to stop.. I can't. 

I am sick ATM. I feel like crap. I left early yesterday and called in today and I seem to be sick monthly. I am sure my eating has a hand in that because no matter what I choose to eat I eat far too much of it. I was feeling the gain but I also see if now. I don't want that. I know how much it hurts and I don't want to hurt more. I do not. The sugar and crap hurts. 

I've also slowed my momentum in the house. I did put clothes away Sunday, Saturday I grocery shopped. Oh hey I moved into the house. See.. that happened too. I moved in Feb. 24th. In fact it'll be a full month in a few days. I love it.. but also at times I hate it. 

I don't have furniture, which is fine but I also feel at a standstill cause things just gotta stay where they are.. scattered in boxes and chaotic. I'm not sure where several things are. I feel so incomplete, kinda overwhelmingly spacious. I gave space but things feel so so empty. I think I've grown accustomed to having everything pressing in on me and it gave me comfort and now it's so empty, everywhere. I'm not used to this kind of empty. It's a different kind of empty and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm annoyed I just realized this or I would have brought it up in therapy since I made myself go today. Crappy as I was I went. I acknowledged my awareness with my eating. I'm absolutely eating horribly. Bingeing and eating until discomfort.. pretty sure I caused an acid reflux issue and that hasn't happened in a long time. Yet I continue to eat. I've noticed I still have many times I feel guilty for buying food or eating something and I don't understand why. I mean now there's literally no reason why. I literally caught myself walk through my kitchen saying because I can.. and that needs not to be a reason I am eating. Because I can is not a justifiable reason to shove unnecessary amounts of food I to my mouth. I may have not bought candy.. I have ice cream, and I eat huge amounts of fruit. Which is still unhealthy. It's too much and too much sugar regardless of it being natural (it's only so natural because we genetically modify everything anymore..) to eat the massive bowl I do when I am already full simply because I can. 

I feel old Tina showing up and being too comfortable and I'm afraid I don't know how to stop her. 

I hope my present funk is simply my cold. My face is painful and I'm just kinda heavy. I want to be asleep but I don't want to be asleep cause I feel like I never really just sit but then I feel like I just sit every single night so how do I just keep sitting then. I feel like I've stopped my work. I've stopped and I don't know why other than old Tina is trying to come back and I do not want that. I cannot let that happen. I will not let that happen. 

I really don't know where I am supposed to go now that I'm here. I'm basically independent and I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I have an insane amount to physically do in this house to feel remotely put together and I really feel kinda stuck for the moment but.. what am I supposed to do now? I'm obviously not done with therapy and figuring out how to be a healed human one day but what else do I do? I guess I never really expected to be where I am. And I am questioning that. I'm here and I won't deny that and I will not lose it. I will do everything necessary to stay where I am. I just.. what next? I don't know, I'm just on this waivering tight rope of what the fuck is next and feeling oddly bored but also oddly empty. 

My boss nominated me for a week long convention.. I was accepted and it's already booked. They have an amazing belief in me and again I'm waivering .. I keep making dumb mistakes I should not be, things should be smoother and they are not. It's frustrating to say the least. This job is mine though and I will NOT give up. This is a hell of an opportunity and I must remember that. So... Yeah... Right rope. 

I'm tired AF.. really I am.. but I need to remember why I was doing this. 

I cannot stop..

~ T ~

When The Universe Has Your Back..

Like.. I really really need to step it up. Really I do. 

BUT can I discuss the amazing things going on. Really. I dropped men really... Finally just let M go away.. when I quit Kroger he was appalled. Do you have anything lined up and so on. Literally appalled. I was really taken aback like .. why the fuck is this really your concern? Like I absolutely was NOT about to put any expectations on him? Like it was literally nothing that would effect him other than me not coming. I mean ... I got my amazing job and postponed starting to see him which... Uhm didn't even happen. Cause he cancelled twice. Which honestly I was fine with because I'd been done but am not able to speak up that way... YET! I will be.. which is why I should be working on things. And when he read I found an awesome job he wasn't really excited but had the audacity to say he was proud of me..that still burns me. You don't know me... AT ALL... You have no right to say you're proud of me ... Ever. Especially given the bullshit of whatever the fuck it was from 4th of July on. Like. Seriously. Yet.. I still have his key and I simply went away. I keep waiting for him to unfriend me but he has not and whatever. Feel free to watch my growth from the sidelines.

What I have found was as soon as I decided I was done... With M and R was gone and all I focused on was me. Even T is not before me.i help, enable more than I should but I have said no and I stand my ground. I put me back to focus and boom my amazing job. 

This job though. I love it, truly , but it's so much! I'm exhausted and the idea of working on things when I get home from work is just more exhausting so . I haven't. I have made sure to do my book and I am doing my daily blog and staying very aware. 

What's crazy is my last post was literally the day.. I think that my current holy shit was even seen. Ive reread it and I don't even remember doing it, that worries me so. Then I checked FB and yup that's when I saw it. 

The 21st. I drove down Jefferson heading to the Laundromat from Sturgis and there was a for rent sign, in front of the cutest little house. And I made a mental note but when I got to the light, right at my job, I turned around. I got the info and was determined to move forward on it. I got to the Laundromat, started my clothes and researched as far as I could. It wasn't much, minimal info on Zillow. I messaged a couple friends and was so excited. It's $1200 a month + Utilities and utilities $1200 down. I have half in savings because my plan was to hopefully move in March. So I got home and I called. The current resident moves out the 26th. We can see it then but let me send the application. 

So the next day I printed it and filled it out at work. Tuesday was a snow day and super icy so no school and I stayed home. I worked but stayed home. So on Wednesday I sent the application along with an email explaining somethings. I didn't want to share too much but I also wanted to be honest and forthcoming. I got a text the next day that they received the application and will be in touch. So I waited. And I waited. I woke up in an especially shitty mood in Saturday and started questioning so much. And I drew cards and checked myself and went to bed. Sunday was laundry so I headed there about 11. 

I had just put my clothes in the dryer and I got a text about verifying income because I'd only been working there for 2 months. So I said absolutely and such. We chatted a bit and then they asked if I'd seen the house. And just like that I was seeing the house when my clothes finished drying. 

It is the cutest little house! Only 738sq ftish 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom and a finished basement on just under an acre. Detached 2 car garage. Like.. it's perfect and I can walk from work. So we shake hands, he was ready right then but she wanted to verify that I wouldn't struggle. It was more concern for me than them. They were really nice. So I found my paystubs and sent them off Monday morning. 

I heard nothing. So today . Tuesday was a long day. I was in at 5 and I didn't stop until 11. I walked into my kisses office and said "I've been going for six hours, can we do my review so I can sit for a bit". He laughed and said sure. 

I've never had a review like this. He told me I "was the breath of fresh air we needed." There was absolutely nothing negative and I'm still just so shocked. It was so empowering and simply wonderful! So then we chatted and I happened to ask how to find out what I am at rate wise and explained the house and he said I can show you the math but I can tell you where you're at with your raise that will take effect Feb 1st and will be either in this check or the next one. I stared for a moment and thanked him and went to my desk. I instantly emailed the owners and let them know that I was just given a raise and wanted to make sure I shared the change because I was excited about the opportunity. 

I received an email within minutes, "you are not a bother. I actually texted you this morning offeya year lease." I just kinda silently squealed and responded with YAY! And went from there. So I am renting a house! 

In a week I am now renting a house within walking distance from work. I'm just so proud of me. Truly. I am in a place personally I never fathomed I'd be. My headspace has never been as it is and I didn't know I really could change it. I really do plan to thank E one day I think because had I never ended up so low and broken I never would have helped myself. I would have stayed as long as I could and dealt with it. All of that was for the better good because now I am finding out just who the hell I am and I have no intention of stopping. I want to feel the way I do about my job in every part of my lifeandi I intend to. 

Today was... Amazing

 And I am cute AF

~ T ~

What the heck am I doing...

I am moving forward. I keep coming up with reasons I am not writing in this blog. I started my new blog Jan. 1, and it is intended to be a daily blog. So far at most I skip one day and have only done that once. It will also always include pictures though not always selfies. I want it a daily tracker of me I guess. I am always so tired when I get home and winter is absolutely not helping with that but I definitely need to be more attentive. I have no intention of stopping this blog or the personal work on myself because I am far from finished, especially regarding my mental health. I am so much further than I expected to be but I believe my Job has pushed me to this point because I am in fact DOING my job while learning more. I am DOING IT. And that helped open my eyes. I am far more capable than I ever imagined and some day I will tell R he was right regarding my potential. I never viewed myself with enough worth to even see just how much potential I truly had and now well I have the perfect image that I keep feeling needs shared so may as well place it here.

I am finally realizing myself and I am not going to question myself anymore. I have no reason to. Look what I have done in the last two months. I am super proud of myself at work and I know I have made mistakes but I think I have been doing so well and my employees are genuinely happy to see me and talk to me. I just, I am proud of myself. I am truly fixing myself, healing myself, growing as a whole. I never want to stop that, I never want to be so content with myself that I plateau because I want to always continue growing. Continue to always better myself as an individual and as a human. This journey is no longer just about me fixing myself, this is about me giving back, being a better human and soul. Me knowing that we should never stop. I will figure out a way to dedicate time to this journey, because I definitely think I am making excuses and that is old T.. new T is done with excuses. She is here to act not just speak. ~ T ~

Love Languages... Gifts.

So.. this has been on my mind the last few days. I'm not fully sure why. Actually, it's been since Christmas and Work when my boss gave me flowers. 

Months ago.. easily Aug maybe even July. There'd been a post shared that listed the love languages. I had questioned whether I could even answer those about myself. 

And my friend spoke up and said something along the lines of "Obviously gifts are one of yours given how excited you were getting flowers from Matt" and though I agreed it didn't feel right. I was completely shocked when I opened that door and M had flowers and then pulled out a little stuffed elephant he said he got from a claw machine. I was in such shock that he had things it didn't matter what they were it was that he had something, something for me. That he thought of me. 

So.. let's jump to Christmas. Alicia... Got me all things me. She listened, she heard me. She knew I loved horror and got me a pink (I never realized how much you liked pink she said to me haha) IT beanie that is cute as hell and she got me a set of horror socks. She worried they wouldn't fit but not that I wouldn't like them. She got me a planner, she heard me several times mention that I'm just gonna have to learn to use a planner. Everything was me. She THOUGHT about me when she picked things out. 

That made me think, how I hated when ExH2 would ask every damn year... "What do you want for Christmas and your Birthday, I don't know what to get." How the fuck do you NOT know me enough to pick me out a gift. I don't think I'm difficult, I love the kitchen and cookbooks, any cookbook, any kitchen gadgets, fuck a set of kitchen towels the scream Tina. Horror, Rocky, Tootsie Pops.. sharks, cabbage patch kids, like fuck in easy really. 

I mean... Very obviously ALL of them man. All of them BUT.. I simply want to be thought of. My Mom & Marlo were who thought of me, Mirm when she came into my life. Otherwise... I can't say I was thought if much at all. My Dad never thought of me, he'd even speak to me in my actual birthday and never acknowledge anything. Mom got me my Cabbage Patch Kid I wanted so badly, she upped it to a blonde hair, green eyed doll (just like me) my Dad grabbed the first he found without a thought. Bryan was who he thought about and made sure I knew it. 

Even my Grandparents. At a time men really weren't involved and my Grandma, she never thought of me either. She'd get me things she liked or how she wanted me to be. Nothing ever actually for me. I was glad when she decided money was better simply because I could pick something out for myself. 

ExH1 I shouldn't even bother with. In an attempt to be low maintenance I'd made a comment about how I wasn't a girl who needed flowers, I didn't know that translated into never being thought of. Every anniversary, holiday, birthday (if I got anything because often it was, I can't afford it we just had Christmas. I didn't need anything extravagant, a card woulda been nice, shit one you wrote yourself) was the most generic possibly picked up. I put him first in every way, both of them honestly, it's what I was taught to do but I could only take being disregarded for so long. 

I understand that I cannot expect the same in return, we are all different people and that's fine, but I can have expectations of being thought of. I pay attention and I see and feel when it changes. I just want to be important enough to someone that I truly matter, that I'm thought of not as a random passing thought. 

im gonna throw in this meme because with all the work I'm doing, I'm no longer say trying to because I actively am, I am just not certain if I ever did anything romantic again I will not need reassurance. That tells me I just shouldn't bother until I know how to not need reassurance. 

I've been lucky to have acquired a few amazing friends that have helped me see the importance of being thought of. Marci & Spencer have always made it so clear to me and my Friend Alina too. I only know her online but we're so very close and I'm so grateful for them. Just being thought of. 

I will not ever settle for not being thought of though, never fucking again. Either know me or move the fuck on. I don't want to waste my time or energy anymore. I'm too precious to waste. 

~ T ~ 

Procrastination? Lazy? just don't want to???

I've NEEDED to blog for weeks... Seriously weeks. Needed to because I'm not stopping my work on myself. I will not stop. But... I'm tired man lol and I don't want to use my 1... maybe 2 hrs on more work right now. Yes, necessary work but still man lol. 

My new job is amazing but I'm exhausted and right now I'm just trying to be present. I did stop many things but I've already started them back up. I've not blogged simply because I don't know what I want to cover and really there's quite a bit. But right now ... This very minute... I've decided to blog. 

I've spent my life forcing smiles, acting like I was happy when I was so full of negativity, anger, frustration, unhappiness, etc. Even with amazing people my mind would shadow them and still I'd feel... All that ick. 

I was looking at pics from tonight. It's my birthday and I turned 48 and I think I've actually truly smiled more today than in my entire life. I felt the smile, it's a thing you can feel it and when I see my smiles.. I see the feeling behind them. 

One of my dearest friends..I mean honestly.. he's one of my best friends.. Spencer.. will be why I make it to Florida and there are just no words. We snap daily and have for like 3 years now. We'd been snapping and he cashapped me $10 and said "get something yummy on me". It wasn't the $10.. it was how he is. He was the first person to call me Queen and on a daily basis, he barely knew me when he gifted me so much love that I needed without question. I'd seen this filter and took the snap with the biggest smile and sitting here I can literally remember taking it and how fucking great I felt. I've felt great all day.. and not a physical great but in my head. I made errors today and I didn't say anything to myself but "tomorrow and every day after you won't forget them".. I am doing one of the preschools on my own, only my second day but I chose not to shadow and wing it. Boss was cool but still I made the jobs harder at a preschool for 50. Still, I did not bash or say anything negative, at all. This actually just went through my head. This realization. 

I truly never imagined I could feel or think differently and I'm not done, I know I'm not. I'm far from it. But tonight, sitting here looking at my smiles, I actually see myself differently. I see myself in a way I've never considered possible. 

i see happy and it's with me and it's nothing I've really ever felt. I've been proud.. I lost 102lbs and busted my ass, I have degrees and the closest would have been earning my ACF title, but I didn't feel the way I do in these pictures. I don't know if I've seen these actual smiles before and they made me need to acknowledge that, be aware of how they feel. 

I like feeling this way. It was exhausting before, just existing was exhausting. It's draining feeling so heavy day in and day out. 

I truly had no idea I could in fact change; I also acknowledge how very privileged I am.  That I was able to take this journey, that I could because I have such an amazing support system. I absolutely am privileged and will continue to share and help others if I can. 

I have so much further to go and I've no idea what to expect but for once I'm not going to be afraid. The Universe speaks and we need to be aware enough to see it. I tossed my life into the air just over two years ago, I said I wouldn't waste what I did and I don't think I have. If anything I have overcome and finally took care of myself for myself. I've decided to finally challenge myself in a way I've really avoided all of my life. I've decided not only do I deserve to challenge myself, that I am worth the challenges but that I also deserve to enjoy the benefits of those challenges. 

I may be putting off much lately but I decided to not disregard the impact of myself today, my 48th Birthday.

~Happy Birthday T!!~

Transformation? Growth? Healing?

I don't care what it is but I like it. I like how it feels. And I'm still absolutely shocked that this is how I feel. 

The day after my last post, we decided my start date. I have the job. It is mine just like I said it was. I'm still in shock I guess.. not that it's mine but that I so firmly believed it and claimed it. At no point in the process did I think anything other than this was mine. It's bizarre and I still feel this way. I'm just ready to get this going. 

This job is LIFE changing for me and I will remind myself of that. The opportunity given to me is one I simply could not ignore or deny. Every decision from the moment I hit apply was for myself. I will not waste what I did. I did not throw my life up into the air to not grow and do better for myself. To heal and grow. The only way to do that was level up, and that's what I decided when I hit apply. 

I want that in every aspect of my life. I want that certainty, that belief in myself in every aspect of my life. That is now a goal. I fucking loved how I felt and feel. I'm not scared! I'm not worried! I do not know if there was ever a time I wasn't worried about every part of my life. Everything was linked to worry and stress. Now.. work... Is a foundation. Not a worry and I've not even had my first day. 

My therapist just smiled and just showed so much happiness and pride for me and I'm so unbelievably grateful for her and this path. Every few months my reason changes. I'm more determined to work on my mental health and find out who I am supposed to be or grow into. It's painful AF, harder than I imagined but I'll be damned if it works (if we put in true, honest effort) and there is nothing that will make me return to old me. Forward is all I am willing to accept from here on. 

~T~

Procrastination? Avoidance? Lazy?

I've needed to blog for some time. So much has happened and it'll be 3 wks before I see my therapist so I definitely need to control how much comes spewing out, I always overwhelm when that happens lol. 

October 11, 2023 I put in my two wks at Kroger. I'd walked in at a horrible 11am to insane bullshit. A restet was done and everything was completely empty, huge numbers of things that would never sell out while so many spaces left empty. As I walked up skimming the Team Lead stopped me and said "I need to talk to you" I stopped and simply asked "Do I need to just go home? Because I'm ready to just go home..". She looked at me and asked "wait what??". I simply said "whatever you have to say I need to know if it's going to simply make me quit in which case am I going home. " she looked at me and was like "Uhm that's up to you but I accepted another job and I am leaving next Tuesday." I was like nice.. I'm glad. Legit. And I was. Then I started to look around and realized that they were simply going to expect me to do it all because I have been with her gone. And I was looking at the cases and how messed up things were and I just wanted to leave. I was so mad and frustrated and was preparing to leave. A coworker got me to call the union and make sure I can still get my vacation pay. I got that information and I put in my notice. I knew that I would stay, I would stay until something horrible happened because that's what I do. I would have let it eat at me and eat at me so I called myself on my own bullshit and quit. 

I updated Indeed slowly and started looking. I was not and oddly still am not worried. I worry about everything man... Everything. But as soon as I did that I was just so relieved and not worried. That store, that company.. utter nightmare. I quit knowing anywhere has got to be better. I was still not worried and I still find that so very odd. 

The last months at that job I had conversations in My head (I always have them.. conversations I will never ever have. Where I'm strong and vocal and can say what I need to..) but they fueled me, kept me angry. I was always stating my credentials in these conversations.. stuff like.."have you ever looked at my resume!? I have degrees in Culinary and Pastry Arts, Bachelor's in Business Management certified by the ACF! On top of my 27 yrs experience! They were constant, all day there running in the background of everything.. during my drives to and from work, even on my days off. I couldn't shut them up. But I think I'm glad. Instead of telling those that didn't actually care I was apparently telling myself about my credentials. 

When I put that letter on that desk.. I simply didn't care anymore. I would do my job but I was done. I couldn't care anymore. Still though.. I wasn't worried. At all. I'd randomly applied for Amazon as a driver, I had to change when the interview could be because I could not find any copies of my resume so I'd have to update it and print it at Lindsey's house. I'd started kinda updating my resume, I wanted to manage. I need to make a good wage so I could survive my own and that means not being an associate and that's how my resume reads. But I wasn't rushing? I wasn't concerned? I wasn't applying for anything and everything. I was looking. On the evening of the 18th I was on Indeed and a position showed up. An amazing position. Kitchen Manager for a high school and starting pay will definitely do what I need. I applied. I thought about it, for a minute. I reread and reread and thought how do I not just apply for this! I admit I was concerned about specific circumstances, and I felt I was solid. I applied. 

All I kept thinking was at least give me an interview, please. Friday, the 20th, about 8am I got a phone call. I tried to set it for after work but we settled on Tuesday the 24th, 9am. I hung up so ready. It was mine. I didn't even speak to anyone but I'd determined and decided it was mine. I didn't even care that I set the appointment so early especially when I had a concert in Indy Mon night. I just.. wanted this. I didn't care that it was food, I'd honestly wanted out of food, it was a huge opportunity for me and I couldn't see it any other way. 

My concert was amazing and I felt amazing. I went alone and I'm super glad I did. I really like the venue and I'm planning to buy a ticket to a Rocky Horror show there on the 17th. I'm hoping to start by then, if only to get through a few things and get it started. 

I got ready and went to my interview and I wasn't worried, I wasn't even anxious and that's not my norm. Everything makes me anxious, everything. And yet I just went in. It was an hour long conversation. And the only position we discussed was Kitchen Manager. She told me the process and what was needed and I left. The door closed and all I said was "this job is mine ". I was accepting nothing else, it was mine. It is mine. 

I passed my drug test Friday, all of my paperwork is done and I'm waiting on one background check. It's mine and I'll accept no other answer. This is a life changing opportunity and I am more than capable of it. Kroger reminded me of that. It's mine. 

I'm still not worried and it's really really odd to me. I'm never like this, in my entire life I do not ever recall claiming anything as I have this. It is Mine. 

~T~