Looking deeply into yourself is not something taken lightly, but I feel if I am to truly unlearn and become a better person, a better me, then I need to truly see and view myself.
Chapter one in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook is covering the Basic Distress Tolerance Skills. I’ve often been told that I am over dramatic. Some people feel emotional and physical pain more intensely and more frequently than other people, distress hits quickly and often feels like an overwhelming tidal wave. Often we feel these situations will never end and we have no idea how to cope with their severity, the book is calling this overwhelming emotions, noting that emotional and physical pain often happen together. When I think about my life, all that I can remember and being called over dramatic thee is no question why both therapists gave me this book. Often emotions ruined days for me and instantly. My switch flipped instantly and trying to flip it back was impossible or at least it seemed as such. The book points out that “People struggling with overwhelming emotions often deal with their pain in very unhealthy, very unsuccessful ways because they don’t know what else to do”. Wow.. if that sentence does not hit me in the face. Am I proud of how I have handled facing all I have, absolutely not. I’ve realized so much I did just for survival and I didn’t even know I was trying to survive.
There is a list of common coping strategies used by people dealing with overwhelming emotions and it asks us to check next to those we use, I am going to list them and check my own:
X - you spend a great deal of time thinking about past pains, mistakes, and problems. (I am learning .. but this has always been a norm for me, in every damn way.)
X- you get anxious worrying about possible future pains, mistakes and problems. (Always, the fear is overwhelming often)
X- you isolate yourself from other people to avoid distressing situations. (I isolate in every way when I can..)
x- you make yourself feel numb with alcohol or drugs (I drank a lot when I was young, basically drunk between 15-20, I stopped refusing to be my father. I control it greatly. I do not use hard drugs, I know I am an addictive personality and I choose to stay in control so I won’t use. I do occasionally feel like I need a drink and I will control that with one and that is why there is a small x in that location.)
_ - you take your feelings out on other people by getting excessively angry at them or trying to control them. (I do not believe this is an issue, there may have been a time but not anymore)
_ - you engage in dangerous behaviors such as cutting, hitting, picking at, or burning yourself or pulling out your own hair (I have not actively hurt myself a while, I will admit I occasionally think about it when I get too overwhelmed but I keep it controlled and aware. I’ve also promised to tell someone if I do so I stay aware.).
_ - You engage in unsafe sexual activities, such as having sex with strangers or having frequent unprotected sex. (I wish… I am terrified of the concept of even approaching a person. This will never ever happen… )
X - You avoid dealing with the causes of your problems, such as an abusive or dysfunctional relationship. (This was a definite issue but I am working very hard on it and know the only way to heal myself is to get to the root of the problem, no more avoiding)
X - You use food to punish or control yourself by eating too much, not eating at all or by throwing up what you eat. (Food… fuck it’s an issue. I know what I need to do but I am defiance to eating crap at night and bingeing.. I really do not want to gain back what I lost but I deserve it given my eating habits… ugh..)
_ - You attempt suicide or engage in high-risk activities, like reckless driving or taking dangerous amounts or alcohol and drugs (this is in the past, I will do my best never to again, and I’ve promised myself and others I will say something.)
x- You avoid pleasant activities, such as social events and exercise, maybe because you don’t think that you deserve to feel better. (It’s not so much that I don’t think I deserve to feel better but that I feel out of place, I don’t fit in or can’t share in the experiences fully. I choose when and where based on how I think I will feel during it. It’s very hard to explain but I often feel like I am always watching from the outside.)
_- You surrender to your pain and resign yourself to living a miserable and unfulfilling life. (I am not marking this one either because I am actively choosing to NOT live this way anymore. I will never live that way again)
I can definitely say at that until recently I could have checked off all of them, except where sex is involved. That requires a level of social interaction that I will not be able to do so that is never going to be checked off. it definitely gives me a lot to think about. My intent is to face all of these and work through them in a healthier way.
Following these strategies is the cost of these strategies which includes:
-Missing good things that might be happening now and then regretting that you ,issued them,
-Anxiety about the future
- Addiction, loss of money, issues with work, problems with relationships
- Depression
There is a large list of costs that follow these poor coping strategies and honestly I can read them all and know exactly when and where they fit. I’m not sure how I feel knowing so many fit how I’ve dealt with life especially being 47. The book brings up long term suffering and how using these self-destructive coping strategies leads to pain being continued into long-term suffering. I made myself suffer because I didn’t know any better, I thought that is how I was supposed to live, I thought that was all I was worth, I thought I deserved feeling that way and being treated that way. I know better now, well kinda which is why I am doing this. I feel choosing to no longer be a victim is what gives me the opportunity to face what I need to during this journey. I don’t want to be a victim, I want to heal and grow and leave it all where it belongs, behind me.
As I work to ensure I am doing this correctly I will continue to list the book for proper credits.
This post is from and using
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
Matthew McKay, PH.D. Jeffrey C. Wood, PSY.D Jeffrey Brantley, MD
~~ T
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