Mental Toughness - 10 Benefits of Becoming Mentally Tough

First.. I'm so damn glad to feel better. Being sick and having my emotions so scattered was a cluster fuck I'd prefer to NOT deal with haha. 

It's 1:59pm and I'm drinking a Hot Venti Cinnamon Toast Crunch Latte on a porch that's not mine and it's breezy and cool and I just WANT to feel good today. I'm tired of not feeling good. 

If I'm here and he's asleep or not here I WILL continue what I was doing and stop slacking. I'm not sure I was slacking per say but I've definitely procrastinated and let other things give me excuses to ignore what I need to do. I also have just been afraid, stupid afraid and I'm wondering if it's because of all of the things I consider failures, maybe it's not just my Spectrum Placement and if I can think of it as something I can beat or conquer then maybe I can deal with it. 

Anyway! I took a shower and randomly decided on coffee and when I stepped out to a beautiful early fall day.. I wanted my coffee outside.. and I have earbuds and music.. and so let's Mental Toughness this a bit! 

When I did this two years ago I really didn't know what I was going but I knew it would be difficult, I  grossly underestimated just what this work would be and I admit many days I did nothing but be old Tina with New Tina repeating I need to get things done. I chose this book because I WANT to change, to be stronger in all ways possible. I want to find what I might have been had I been diagnosed as a child and not had the abuse I did. 

There are 10 Benefits to becoming Mentally Tough:

"Benefit #1 - Greater Resistance to Negative Emotions"(pg.17) 

Emotions.. UGH! Seriously I do not like them. I mean sure I love feeling amazing but I'd rather feel nothing if I have to deal with all the negative ones, they are far more engulfing regarding myself. "Negative emotions, such as anger, shame, fear, and anxiety prompt us to make terrible decisions, hide mistakes, and feel like giving up when things go awry." When I say engulfing, I am not exaggerating. Once the negative sets in I'm no longer in control. I had been doing so much better with distraction months ago but bringing in M I've felt myself going backwards and I cannot do this. It's like I've let my emotions run rapid and wasted 3 months letting them control everything. Mental toughness will help me learn to regulate my emotions and though I will still have and feel my negative emotions they will not have the impact they always have. Those negative feelings will have less of an impact on my behavior during "adverse conditions" (pg.17). 

"Benefit #2 - Improved Performance"

"Peak performance stems from your mindset.

This includes how you respond to setbacks."

Regardless of who you are, the ability of high performance will depend on how we react when things go awry. If we cave when we are faced with setbacks then our performance will suffer. "Worse, you'll never fully reach your potential." (Pg. 18).

 With mental toughness we can prepare for obstacles. Instead of caving when faced with obstacles, we can "approach them with grace and self-confidence." We’ll be better able to face difficult or unplanned situations and overcome challenges (pg. 18).

I sit here thinking about peak performance, I feel like there was a time in my life when I had drive, desire to accomplish something. I think of how proud I was to take over my dept with K when I was 24. I was the youngest dept head and I could do everything. I ran my department and went to school. There were several times that I truly enjoyed school, I enjoyed doing the events and that Chef always asked me because I could produce large amounts identically. 300 fruit tarts all looking exactly the same, today I'd say that's my Spectrum placement and the OCD that everything is to be properly presented every time. Visual presentation is very important to me. I was proud of my ability of my drive, my 20s saw my best kitchening and I admit if I'd had a tiny bit of belief in myself I truly could have been an actual Pastry Chef, but I did not. I was content to have a degree that looked like I was successful, to me this was all I could do. I had always wanted my own place but I always was tragically aware of what that took and what I didn't have. ExH1 had started saying ours and it was always MY dream, unattainable but still. That stopped me completely. Even once I left and considered trying again, the finance involved simply was not possible. It does not help that my expectations regarding my own business are extreme, I do not fuck around, so if it can't be what I want why would I waste the energy? That was enough for me and I think that was the last time I had any kind of peak performance. I struggle believing in myself at all and that is part of why I'm doing this. To find faith and belief in myself before I waste what's left of my life. 

I really do not set out to have insanely long ass posts but what's the point of I don't ramble to myself and work out what I need to? I see this as a journal I post and my intent is to help dig into myself and try to figure myself out and work on what I find out, also gives me the ability to realize things I need to bring up with my therapist.

"Benefit #3 - Confidence That Circumstances Will Improve"

"If you’re not resilient to adversity, it’s easy to become fatalistic when things go wrong. You may feel like giving up, convinced that life isn’t fair. You might be inclined to concede defeat, telling yourself that persevering would be for naught because current conditions are unlikely to get better." This is where I lived my life, as a victim. To me that is exactly what it's saying. I was a victim my entire life. I blamed my Dad and my Brother, I've since realized my Grandma has just as much involvement in creating me as they did but she was not part of my excuses to be a victim at that time. The damage from childhood set me to just see myself as a victim and that there was nothing I could do about that. I simply was, at least in my head. 

 I tried to do so much in my first marriage, I don't think I was completely fatalistic at that time. I think about it and I worked two or three jobs just trying to make our life better, I did as much as I could to keep everything afloat. ExH1 was content as he was, making little attempt to do anything to benefit us or our home. Jobs were never more than 2 years, at one point he just didn't work for a month and that's the only time I lost electricity and lost my car. I don't think defeat had set in much, ExH2 and I started talking as I was leaving Indiana, we were a rebound that kinda worked but definitely damaged us both in the end because neither of us were in a place to move forward as we did,I see that now. 

By ExH2 I was done working that hard, done being the only person to keep us afloat. My win, ExH2 worked. But he also dismissed anything that was an issue, he refused to see it and chose to just not deal with it because it'd go away. So instead of being the only one keeping us afloat I was the only one trying to create and build. I was once again doing everything alone. By the time I was spiraling my fatalistic views fully set in by mid 2017, when we took on a house I knew was impossible, but Tina can't fully speak up so she sits quietly and lets the S/O have what they need instead. 

Resilience.. I've been writing"I am Resilient " in my book of 3 things I am and 3 things I did today since I started that book in 2019. 4 years I've been writing things I am and I will miss days because I choose (<--- yup this is a choice to dismiss myself) to simply not do it. I'll look at my book and say tomorrow and then it'll be 5 days and I make myself update all I missed. Do I have resilience? To a point I must, I'm here. I'm trying to heal and grow, despite my falls and give up moments so I must right? I feel my victim trying to pop back into her previous space but I do fight it now. I'll remind myself that I am actually a survivor. ExH2 opened my eyes to that with his actions and responses to everything. He would prefer to be a victim and I will NOT be him. I did this for ME! 

Circumstances are always changing, typically they change because of our own actions. "Stressful situations can either become more stressful or relaxing based on our behavioral responses to stress-inducing stimuli." Our reactions determine whether uncomfortable situations become "more uncomfortable or pleasant." Mental resilience to adverse situations helps us tolerate those situations better and gives us the confidence that we will persevere and "be rewarded as circumstances inevitably improve." (Pg. 18).

.. Obviously this was postponed. It's 09/26/23, 4:37pm. Maybe I can finish this up without being long winded. I do believe that working on this Saturday as I did helped me communicate better and I am very grateful for that. 

Benefit #4 - Greater Ability to Manage Stress

"Stress stems from the expectation of consequences, both real and perceived." The knowledge that everything we do can end with a negative effect. "If we perform poorly, something bad will happen." An example from the book is salespeople hitting their sales quotas or rusk listing their jobs (pg. 19). 

With mental strength, we are able to fight the pressures we face instead of giving into them. <--- yeah.. I do not handle stress well. I definitely did not prior to now, I do think I am better than I was but I am definitely not tenacious in my dealings with stress, shit life for that matter. I automatically expect the worst to happen, I am trying to change that because it is not healthy to think that way, I also believe we make things happen, that the energy we put out us what we get back and I'm tired of all the heavy darkness. 

Benefit #5 - Less Susceptibility to Self-Doubt 

"No one escapes self-doubt entirely. Show me someone who always seems self-possessed, even to the point of arrogance, and I’ll show you someone who occasionally (and perhaps even frequently) second-guesses himself or herself."

We are all susceptible to self-doubt. We question our abilities, whether we'll reach out goals. Or my favorite the entertaining of "worst-case scenarios, allowing our inner critics to wreak havoc with our confidence." My ability to assume the worst case scenario is top notch. Trying to not go there is the hardest damn thing EVER!! I'm absolutely going through this to cut back my automatic assumption of the absolute worst being the constant outcome. 

"Mental toughness doesn’t eliminate self-doubt. Instead, it prevents self-doubt from sabotaging your performance. It gives you a chance to acknowledge that even though failure is a possibility, fear of it stems from insecurity rather than hard evidence. Success is probably more likely than your inner critic insinuates (pg. 19)." I would really like to have faith and believe in myself, instead of constantly listening to my inner critic. 

Benefit #6 - Greater Clarity Regarding Your Intentions and Purpose

"Dealing with adverse situations is difficult when you’re uncertain of the reasons you’re doing so."

This first sentence alone feels like a punch to the gut. It's been two years since I threw my life up into the air, two years. Have I come far enough? Have I been lazy? Been missing the old Tina than new Tina? I admit that lately I'm unsure why I'm doing this and if it's truly helping me get anywhere. I've definitely been questioning so much lately. So fucking much. 

"It’s hard to stay motivated to act if you’re unclear about why you’re putting in the effort." Again. I'm truly unsure if I can even do what I'm trying to do which makes it harder to push forward. I wasn't prepared for all that's happened, it's been absolutely nothing I considered and so why would I assume I'm going to get anywhere at this point? It's just such a struggle to keep fighting sometimes. I guess I gotta remember that ultimately the reason for anybody it is simply Me. 

"For example, suppose you’ve spent months looking for a job. Leads are showing little promise and your savings account is dwindling dangerously low. It’s easy to become frustrated. It’s tempting to give up. Such is the power of despair because it focuses on failure, obfuscating your purpose in the process. When you’re mentally strong, you’re able to focus on the reasons you’re trying to accomplish your goal. You’re less susceptible to feelings of hopelessness because you know why you’re taking action. That knowledge keeps you motivated to face any challenges that come your way (pg. 20)." I try to keep my conversations building up in my head instead of building down. I really try to stop those critical voices that try to stop me. Self awareness is a gift and a curse. 

Benefit #7 - Fearlessness 

"Fear of the unknown is one of the most common obstacles to our achieving our potential. It manifests in different ways, but one of these ways is familiar to us all: alarm at the prospect of venturing beyond our comfort zones. Humans place enormous value on comfort and predictability. We might claim to relish surprises and spontaneity, but in truth, most of us are creatures of habit. We follow routines. These routines make us feel comfortable and in control of our environments. To that end, the idea of trying something new causes us to hesitate. We fear the unknown. Mental toughness erodes this fear. It gives us the courage to venture outside our comfort zones and try new things. To that end, it gives us the opportunity to grow, developing new skills and acquiring new knowledge and insight (pg. 21)." I'ma just use ALL of this.. because fear is my biggest obstacle at this time. Fear of what feels like everything. I need this fearlessness. 

"Benefit #8 - Ability to Accept (And Learn From) Failure"

"Failure is an inescapable part of life. It’s an ever-present possibility whenever we try to accomplish something. Most people will go to great lengths to avoid failure. They perceive it as an indictment of their character and value. Accordingly, they avoid taking risks and making mistakes, even though doing so stunts their personal and professional growth. Failure, to them, is unacceptable. Mental resilience prepares you to not only accept failure as a potential outcome of any endeavor, but allows you to learn from your mistakes. Rather than perceiving failure as a judgement on your character and value, you’ll see it as a chance to take corrective action for improved performance in the future. The prospect of failing will no longer hold any power over you (pg. 21)." Again.. who are we kidding. I've come to accept that I am a survivor but I still cannot see my life as anything but failure. I can't even say it was beneficial failure because I can't say I've learned anything, well at least until now. I'm trying to see things as lessons and trying to view my life as something other than failure but ultimately that's simply how I see my life. 

"Benefit #9 - Greater Ability to Delay Gratification 

"Given a choice, we prefer to experience gratification now rather than later. It’s human nature. The problem is, this intuitive inclination often imposes negative consequences. It motivates us to give up on our goals because they require too much effort. It chips away at our patience and impulse control as we perceive forbearance to be a type of needless suffering. It discourages us from working hard toward accomplishing an objective because we’re tempted by the pleasures available to us in the moment. Mental strength amplifies your ability to delay gratification. You’ll no longer be at the mercy of your impulses. You’ll be able to resist the temptations that surround you and devote your energy and attention to endeavors that promise bigger dividends down the road (pg.21)."  I do not like to wait. I had this issue with losing weight. It's always a reward system.. but like why? I can just buy it anyway, what the point? I do not have self discipline, I am horrible with instant gratification. This is an area I also struggle greatly with. 

"Benefit #10 - Willingness to Let Things Go 

"We tend to hold onto things that have caused us emotional pain. Examples include mistakes that carried terrible consequences, perceived slights from others, and regrettable decisions from our distant past. These things can sometimes begin to define us. They become a part of our identity. When they become so, they rob us of the inner peace and confidence we would otherwise experience. When you develop mental toughness, you’ll become more inclined to let such things go. Rather than dwelling on past pains and regrets, you’ll see them as stepping stones to your continual growth. Every mistake become a lesson from which to acquire insight. Every perceived slight becomes an opportunity to nurture valued relationships. Every regrettable decision becomes a chance to reexamine your intentions and ensure they align with your values. Ultimately, after these things have served their purpose, you’ll be able to move on, leaving them where they belong: in the past (pg.23)." Regret.. it's a word that just.. hurts. This process has definitely made me think and regret. I don't want to regret but I also can't help it. I'm working hard to let things go, like my DBT Skills Workbook says.. it happened and there's nothing I can do about it, but I can't stop thinking and that still leads me to regret. I do not want to regret, I want to look back and maybe eventually be proud of myself. I deserve that right. To be proud. I'd like to think so. There's so much I need to address, to handle, to move through... and it's not just my damn mental health. So stinking damn much. 

~T~

The Mental Toughness Handbook

I actually started this Book early January. I set out to do so much and be do productive and determined, instead I'm in a space of negativity and wanting to give up when I know I should absolutely not. BUT I am absolutely in a defeated state of mind, questioning why I did and am doing this. It's usually at this point that I end up on some off tangent where I think I'm explaining but I'm also just whining and I've been feeling extra pity party lately and am not going to feed into it. 

I do this from my phone, I admit I do not site right but I will always state what I'm using and where it is. And so I start with the front cover of the book I started on Kindle. I know my head is a darkish place, truly. Not a hurt myself place but my depression has definitely taken it's hold. It was a nice space for a little bit but I'm overwhelmed with fear and panic about the things I need to finally do and so since I'm stuck on my DBT workbook I am making myself restart this book. 

Mental toughness is not something we are born with, it's something we develop as we grow, which means all of us can do it if we are willing to commit to the process (pg. 11).  Ironically (because I am obviously trying to read this book) the reason so many do not develop mental toughness is because it requires hard work, patience as well as frustratiobs. It is uncomfortable. 

The simple definition of Mental Toughness is durability in the face of Adversity. Mental Toughness is broken down further:

First - we look at our reaction to stress.

Second - our responses to our emotions.

Third- it involves our Resilience.

Fourth- it involves our grit. 

Grit and Mental Toughness are not the same thing. "Grit is an attribute that defines our inclination to preserve in adverse circumstances." Mental Toughness is a state of mind, defines our "attitudinal durability" in adverse circumstances, it describes our general outlook (pg.13). 

My "attitudinal durability" I feel like we can all just take a moment and laugh. Anyone who knows me knows my outlook is never on the positive or optimistic side, or it never was. That is something I am desperately trying to change, I say desperately because I feel my old self present, the Tina who just wants to blame and be a victim and Damn it I CANNOT be the same person I was! I refuse to be a victim but damn it when I can't open my mouth or believe in myself how the fuck am I not?? It's frustrating to know that my inability to open my mouth is tied to disabilities because that tells me it will never change, it will always be an issue. I'm literally planning to try to get drunk so I can talk this upcoming weekend. I need to be able to speak and I shut the fuck down. So I'll try liquid courage and hope I can communicate. 

My current "general outlook" is questionable. I'm frustrated with myself on many fucking levels, overwhelmed by my own frustrations and fears and feel my depression heavy because I've been sick and everything just engulfed me. 

Grit is an important necessity in developing mental toughness; Grit is what helps us keep our responses to negative emotions regulated. Grit gives us the confidence that we need to focus on "achievement instead of our fear of failure"(pg.14). There is an obvious reason grit has never been a word I've used regarding myself or even in my vocabulary other than using the word grits but definitely not the same haha. 

I have never had confidence, let me say never before. I have more confidence in one aspect of myself but it is not all of myself. I finally see that I have worth and am pretty and that helps me stand up straight and own myself, but that's my outter shell. In fact it baffles me that my physical appearance is where I have confidence and no where else. I don't understand how I can talk to myself about the things I could do employment wise and be so terrified of even looking. I have TWO failed marriages, TWO bankruptcies, I have degrees that I've done nothing with because I simply cannot will myself to even attempt to update my resume because I am fucking terrified and for what reason!? Like, I get so mad at myself and I literally cannot do it. I am 47 and as far as I am concerned I have failed in every attempt to be a proper adult. I live in my friends house and have nothing to show for my 47 yrs but things I don't use because I did just enough to appear successful and now everyone can see that I am not. I am terrified that I threw my life up into the air to only once again fail at whatever it is I am attempting to do. The fear is fucking overwhelming AF but I did make myself restart this book I was supposed to continue and make myself blog because I do not like feeling this way. I will not dismiss my own feelings like others have dismissed me but damn it I will not fucking wallow in it either. I'm fucking terrified and all I can do is see what happens and it fucking sucks. 

~T~

The DBT Skills workbook: Identify Your Higher Power... And Make Yourself Feel More Powerful

Let's see.. 

I've been sick for 7 days. I went back to my Dr yesterday and after a full round and a half I already feel better. The steroids are likely giving me a major headache but I will deal with it cause I can breathe and not cough like I was haha. 

We currently have no Internet. I finally feel well enough to want to watch something and there's an outage hahaha.. big fu there... so I took a nap. Still not Internet so that means no movie, no TV, no music, just silence and the noises of those who've come home. ** And boom it's back and instead I spent the last hour mindlessly scrolling. Why... it's easier than addressing the chapter I just titled. 

"Whether you believe in God, many Gods, a Divine Universe, or the goodness that exists within each human being, having faith in something bigger and more powerful than yourself can often make you feel empowered, safe, and calm."(DBT Skills Workbook pg. 39).  I have struggled with faith my entire life. I went to church every Sunday, I loved spending the night with my Great Grandma and then going to church. I knew everyone, well every adult, I'd get there early and talk to Pastor Bob, my Great Aunt Janice often sang so I often watched her rehearse. My Bible class teacher was June, a sweet older lady I loved talking to. I always connected with adults better than kids my age. I went with my friends and always filled out the visitor cards. As I grew I started noticing things and finally I was old enough to be with the teenagers! I was 15 and I showed up and the girls were dressed very scantily, mini skirt, thigh high boots.. not what I was taught was appropriate for church. At the time that is. I'd had this respect I assumed everyone had. I watched and it wasn't church, it was flirting and it felt just like school. I started noticing how people, all those I knew, preached one thing but did the opposites. I knew all of them and watched the hypocrisy. I never went back. That was my last willing visit to Church. I don't believe in saying one thing and bring another. I try to be real however I can, even if I can't open my mouth to speak. 

I was always drawn to Witchcraft, I'd written a great paper in 8th grade and all my sources were Christian based. I got my first deck of tarot cards for Christmas that year. But I never really followed a path. I was too worried I would do everything wrong, I wanted someone to guide me and I'd buy books and still I can't say there was any faith involved. 

When my first marriage was falling apart I wanted to focus on me and I set out to walk my path. I bought a book I loved for my Book of Shadows and and went back to reading and learning or trying to. I still couldn't fully walk. I couldn't figure out what I believed so that I could practice and find faith. I do not believe in an all powerful being.

Humans are both good and evil. We choose often how to be, I do not always think it's a choice. Our minds and chemistry have more control over our bodies than we think we do and I believe those truly evil simply are. So an all powerful being is simply not something I can put faith into. Especially not a being that humans use to hate and hurt others. 

I've started to see the Universe as all encompassing. We're all energy and that energy creates. What we put out comes back to us, we do good we get good back. Karma is absolutely present. I have experienced her strong hand and no doubt I am currently. My inability to keep moving forward is absolutely effecting my belief in myself and If I can't believe in myself I can't fully believe in something I can't grasp. The Universe is where I'm drawn lately, in this entire experience? Path? I'm not sure of the word I'm looking for but I also have no idea how to even put faith or belief into it when I question so much. Why shouldn't we question? We're supposed to but in questions we then find doubt and doubt defeats purposes. 

As much as I opened this book, intent to knock a section out I'm now faced with uncertainty and how to even move forward with it because I cannot answer the questions waiting for me. 

"What are some of your beliefs about higher power or a big picture that give you strength and comfort?"  I do not have anything for this. I'm in a constant battle of even believing I'm doing this for the better, that this will even actually make a difference in the 20 years I might have left. 

The questions continue with "Why are they important to you", "How do these beliefs make you feel" all questions I cannot answer. 

I've spent my life not wanting to be here, detesting my existence, wishing I didn't exist and wishing I was strong enough to end myself. I couldn't, which in a way I see that as weakness. I was too afraid of pain, too afraid of hurting others. I always care about others more, how I effect them and the pain I would bring to them so I suffered. There was nothing that kept me going, I'd try prayer.. and it's just robotic. To the Gods and Goddess's but never helped, never made any difference except that I'd hope to only have hope crushed. So I just don't really have answers, to any of this.

I don't think I expected Spirituality to be part of this work book, I feel like spirituality is linked directly to religion and I didn't anticipate behavior therapy to involve religion I guess. Is Spirituality something I need? Yes. It's been on my list of trying to continue to figure out, hoping it would make me feel better, more connected to others. But none of it feels like it fits right? I feel like I'm constantly grasping regarding it and do not know how to take that fact. What it means, I just keep trying. So I've absolutely no idea how to handle this damn section at all. 

Expectations... fucking everywhere for fucking everything. 

~T~

WTF T...

Seriously.. WTF. It's September.. 14th. I've put off blogging about anything. I'm sick currently and I'm hoping finally on the upswing to better than worse. But WTF is really all I have for myself. 

I hate that I can't voice all that's in my head; the confrontations, the confidence, the ability to fucking say no. Here I am.. still being only if use if I've something to give. Rides.. meds.. cooking. I'm not good enough for me but only what I can provide because people know I can't say no. 

Just like this, I can put all this here but is it truly beneficial. I honestly find myself saying more and wanting to use names because I truly think, other than Marci, it's not going to be read. 

I want to be in my own, honestly I want to be away. Like Sleeping with the Enemy haha...change my name, go away and just be alone. But that requires money and I was blessed with sarcastic humor instead of a rich family. I work for a shit company with no security, I won't make enough to live anywhere that won't get me killed. 

Then I think about the fact that I've never been on my own, never. I've had two failed marriages, two bankruptcies.. I couldn't be successful with two incomes how the fuck do I think I will with one and making the shit money our society accepts as ok!? Like, I question why I bother to continue to fight. I'm realistic and I honestly cannot see much happiness in me trying to do what I am. 

Fuck men, I'm not dealing with this shit again if I can ever get this over with. I am not whole enough in myself to deal with them and they're fucking too much drama. I don't even think I want sex anymore. It's not fucking worth it seriously. I am not able to separate emotion from sex, sex is empty without emotion (sex with R.. fucking horrible once it happened.. horrible, but it was emotionless.. robotic.) I'll not settle for empty sex again and emotions just fuck everything up. I want my head back, even dealing with the R shit I was focused on me and now it's all fucking muddled because of M. I don't even want all that shit and yet I keep getting caught up because I need the attention. Only I at least catch myself and argue and get mad. That's a huge step ahead for me. At least I was ignoring the engulfing fear of the realization that I'm not going to be able to do what I need to. 

I desperately want my own space, I know that my depression will likely become heavy. I work hard on trying to find peace alone but that loneliness creeps in. I know that's why I continue to deal with M is when the intimacy is there during cuddling it overwhelms and I cling to it. Somehow I need to get over that so I can just be at peace with myself, I'm really just not sure it'll happen. Given my inability to be done I can't help but question what I am really working towards and why. 

This isn't even what I planned to write.. though I'm not sure I planned anything. I'm annoyed I already agreed to take T home, I don't want to deal with him either. Fuck! Like seriously ugh Fuck! I'm just frustrated and annoyed with myself.. and the shit I have toq ork around regarding myself. I liked thinking my inability to open my mouth was just fear but linked to fucking disabilities instead is infuriating. It's like the song ONE, I can scream and scream but no one hears me because I can't open my mouth. It's just in my head... everything. Just in my head.. 

~T~