Dear Me- Love Letters to My Inner Child..

I really did have huge intentions of being further in all of my books than I am and after my last therapy visit I am revisiting the first chapter in my DBT Skills Workbook as I feel I misunderstood some of the exercises. Either way it was necessary to do more and since I'm at M's and he's had to work I am making sure I do some work! 

First... The Self-Esteem Checklist. Green I try to do daily/routinely and actively remind myself, pink I am trying to get to a daily/routine and the few yellow are difficult and I know I need to start including them. 

the yellow are significantly deep to me but I'll get this whole page green eventually! 

Page 4... A recipe we all need to follow...

The next Exercise...

 The exercise... I was reading my first one and I really wasn't nice to myself? I feel like I wrote it like it was bad that I don't remember thinking that way. I noted on the back that I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism lvl 1, and not day dreaming like other kids is common. I am simply different like so many others. 

Knowing this now, I'll write it knowing it's just me...

As I sit here and think about this, again I feel like it is difficult to say I remember ever thinking about what to be when I grew up. I remember making mud pies out of mud, mayo and sprinkles. I remember wanting an Easy Bake oven for years and I loved baking, but never did I consider that a future. 

In 9th grade I remember loving science, it was honestly my favorite classes always. I'd told my dad once that I wanted to be a physical scientist (I was in love with my Physical Science class.. absolutely my favorite class). He actually laughed at me and said "How about you reach for something more attainable." I don't recall ever saying those words again. By the end of high school I was looking to go into child psychology but I realized while taking some classes it was not the right field for me. (Now I wish I'd stuck with Psychology, especially while on this journey but I guess this journey wouldn't be here if I had). To be honest I just assumed I'd be a wife and mother eventually. Sitting here twice divorced and unable to have children I guess that assumption was very wrong hahaha. 

I feel like this isn't much but my childhood really wasn't like everyone else's I guess. I'm ok with that as I learn about myself now. 

~~ T

The DBT Skills Workbook Ch. 2..

I've yet again been procrastinating... But not because I didn't want to do it but because I'm just stuck. 

Ch. 2- Advanced Distress Tolerance Skills: Improve the Moment starts off with "Safe-Place Visualization" and I've read it at least twice, as well as "Cue-Controlled Relaxation" which directly follows the first. I cannot visualize, at least not now. Some memories are insanely vivid but I can't put myself in a peaceful place, I can't put myself anywhere haha. My head refuses to do so. And so I did two other random blogs while trying to decide what to do with this section. I can't just stop the book, so I've decided to skip it and I'll take it with me to therapy later today. 

The next Section is "Rediscover Your Values" and just reading the title I'm thinking to myself what are they to me? I've often let those slide that have distasteful qualities because of years of friendship. I've dismissed qualities and beliefs that go against mine, should I do that? Should I accept those qualities from others or should I distance myself? Definitely something I need to be thinking about and how those individuals affect me. 

"Remembering what you value in life can be a very powerful way to help you tolerate a stressful situation." The third sentence, pg 35, made me think a little. I am not sure I've really valued anything enough to make an impact other than my Mother. She's the only reason I've never gone through with anything because I never want to add that kind of pain to her. She would never understand and I simply never want to hurt her like that. She's absolutely only reason I am still here but can I really not have had any other values?? At least that matter enough to make an impact on myself?? 

"Sometimes we forget why we're doing something that's hard, and this makes it difficult for us to continue." Also pg. 35, is an understatement man. Lately, especially with work, I have to remind myself often why I'm dealing with that shit and even with where I am. I have to remember not to waste this opportunity and I kind of feel like I have. I have wasted a lot of money lately, money I should have put away. I have to remember why I'm doing this and maybe this section will help me determine my actual values. 

The first Exercise is explained on Pg 35 and listed on page 36. I given a Valued Living Questionnaire that I'm to rate in importance in my life, regardless of how much time and effort I put into them. My rating is 0-10 with zero being not important at all and 10 being extremely important. I'm going to list each question and my rating, I'll try to explain why I rated it that way as well. 

Life Component: 

1. Family (other than romantic relationships or parenting)-  my family: Mom, Brothers (I will say both because, regardless, I love B but that relationship will likely never change as I will not accept disrespect anymore), Stepdad, nieces, nephew, Sister in Laws.. family.. is going to be a 10. I may not speak to them often, have the relationships I'd like to have with them but they are of top importance to me. My Mommy is absolutely the reason I am and will remain present in this existence. 

2. Romantic Relationships (marriage, life partners, dating, etc.)- This one is difficult for me. I am doing this because I left my second failed marriage. I left with no intent of ever being romantically involved again. Sex but I didn't want feelings or attachment. Yet here I am, seeing M and definitely having feelings and wanting to see what happens. I also want this healthy, for both of us. I didn't throw my life into the air to not finish what I started and that growth will help in the future with healthy relationships. Marci felt that my Romance falls more closely with my tops and I guess given the current situation I will place it at 

A 7-8. It is important to me that we continue and grow and I'll put in the work I can but it is not my main focus at the moment <---- typing "at the moment" made me think about if I was supposed to think in general or present and chose to go with the present. That said she is very right. My relationships- with both ExH's .. shit even R if I want to admit it to myself - were always my top priority, their happiness and well-being always mattered the most... So maybe I should place it as a 9 because.. ugh I don't want to say a 10 haha. I am going to learn balance! 

3. Parenting - well... I do not have children, I was unable to do this particular life Component really does not pertain to me. 

4. Friends and Social Life-  I do not lump Friends and Social life together. I do not go to bars or clubs. When I did at 18-21 it was literally with the people I went with. I do not "Socialize" like most people and that will probably never change. That said, my Friends are also going to be a 10. 2020 really showed me just how lucky I was and how blessed I was with my friends. I have so many absolutely amazing people in my life, Best Friends I've had for 20+ years, multiple best friends. I do not get to put nearly the time I need to into most of my friendships but they each mean the world to me and I will do what I can for every single one of them. 

5. Work- Talking to Marci.. I can't deny that work is a very high priority for me. I have to work and I somehow need to make more money because I have to be able to survive and I want to enjoy it... I even admit I wish I had the energy and ambition to work a second job. So I tragically have to put work at definitely an 8-9. 

6. Education and Training - As I started thinking and rating I realized how very important education and training is. I've considered even going back to school. I still try to ensure people I work with can learn more and take new skills with them even if I'm not leading them directly. We have to learn to grow and growth really is necessary. I am trying to see challenges and failings as lessons learned. I enjoyed teaching when I did in the Bakeshop at Purdue, the right time in life I would have gone that route had I realized how much I enjoyed it. As I was talking with Marci I realized that Education and Training is probably a 10 for me, I absolutely can never learn enough and I will always share what I know. 

7. Recreation and Fun- tragically I feel this is one of my lowest ratings.. as much as I try to get in fun activities like concerts, I do not plan things like this often. This year I have a few planned because I ended planning with M. I was giving myself 3 concerts this year. I feel like this falls into a 5-6, my life is not recreational 😂. It's lazy for the most part, I do like to have fun but I mean.. who has tons of time for it? 

8. Spirituality and Religion- try as I might, I've tried to make Spirituality and Religion important to me. I've tried to find my path but I simply can never put enough care to actually move forward in a path. I have begun to find faith in my belief and putting my energy into trusting the Universe and I'm determined to continue to do so and try to find my path. I'll give this a 7-8. 

9. Citizenship and Community Life- I don't care about Citizenship, truly. I hate that we have borders and that human life is so dismissed. Community life, I think it's for some people and not for some. I am not involved in any community, I wouldn't even know how to be. I also do not add to anything bad. I just try to be a good human. This falls probably at 4.. I will fight for rights if needed, do not assume this means I'll watch terrible things and look away. I will not. 

10. Self-care (Exercise, diet, relaxation, etc)- This one I was ready to dismiss but in all honesty, Self-care is a 10. Literally this blog is self-care. I actively choose sugar free when I can and often simply for the health benefits. I try to stay aware of my eating because I need to be aware of what I put in my mouth. I typically have therapy weekly, and that's for my well-being in every way. I guess for the first time in my life I'm truly working on myself in many ways because I never really have and have decided I am worth the work and effort. That made me realize that I obviously place Self-care extremely high as I'm putting in some kind of activity daily regarding it. Thinking of it that way, I can't possibly pick a lower number to rate this with. 

**written about 11:30am** I'm sitting here, list typed out and I'm just stumped. I was sure as I started reading the section that I was going to knock this section out, pat myself on the back "woohoo T!! You got a blog and section done quickly!!" Instead, I've messaged Marci absolutely stumped because the only one I can actually rate is parenting and it simply doesn't matter because I was not able to have children so obviously parenting is useless to me. But when I think about the other items I've no idea how to rate them, no idea how they matter to me. Like Work, that's a requirement. Not working is not an option. Working gives you an income so you can live, life isn't free and I cannot just live on the street. It's required. How do we rate a requirement? It's a necessity. Like this blog. Technically I'd say it's Self-care, I'm doing this for my benefits. It's not relaxing, it's not fucking enjoyable. I'm highly annoyed sitting here trying to figure out how to rate these life components and wondering how to determine their importance in my existence. I truly need to remember that in my life, nothing ys easy, it's a fucking fight every damn time.**

**1:00pm.. as I started eating I am now realizing I'm doing an all or nothing haha.. I've placed 10 on a couple and I feel like that can't be right hahaha*** 

1:30pm, I've finally rated all 10 Life Components and now I'm wondering if I have too many that are high and I've just never been able to balance anything .. did I over think them? Under think them?? It's been two full weeks without therapy. I cancelled them so I could be away with M. Typically I'm overwhelmed and have so much to go at her with but I'm actually thinking my Workbook will go with me and we'll look at this and the exercise before it. 

The next Exercise is a Committed action plan regarding this Questionnaire and I definitely think I'll talk it all out with my therapist. Maybe she'll help me think differently about how I rated them, or if that even matters and I am once again over thinking haha. I will start that blog but I will speak with her first, I've questions man. Questions! 

I'd also like to note how my head jumped as soon as I started reading values, nothing I wondered about in the start had anything to do with what was needed from me for this exercise. I really need to stop assuming before I fully read something. I've started breaking down paragraphs and this definitely defeats my purpose! I realized this as I was rereading to fix any mistakes from my fast typing haha. 

~~ T

People Pleasing.. or Spectrum...

I'm sitting here and definitely not in the headspace I was in in the start. 

I showered and wanted to try on some shorts with fishnets, my white shorts to be specific. I had a visual and was curious and damn it worked.. 3 shirts later and they all work. And get that is not why I'm here, why I'm starting this blog and probably won't finish it unless I can just spit it out and be done, but that's rarely what happens because tangents and me go hand in hand. 

Anyway.. I tried them on and I'm feeling great and I laid down and we got to talking. 

Covered several random things but we got on the topic of physical touch and I had to tell him, had to, about my past. About how I went from so much attention to nothing. How that affected me and how much it means to me that he'll just take my hand, that he likes to cuddle and touch. I didn't grow up with touch, we didn't hug. I got those from my other families, Marlo & Mirm. If I had to put in a time frame I'd say I've been touch starved since April 2018 and he's no idea how much more I could take. Even the random shit with R, he wouldn't touch me and it is absolutely why I started pulling away and trying to stop things. I cannot be with a person who doesn't want to touch me, I cannot. 

But this is not the reason I'm blogging at this moment. I've aquired a headache and my mood has definitely taken a shift towards the blah. 

I'm not even sure how it came up but I brought up how I watch and learn my people. Everyone of any kind of importance. I learn, I watch, I pay attention. Maybe that's the issue, I pay too much attention??  I'd mentioned how I grabbed a cup for Alicia and realized it was a big glass, she uses a small glass. I'd sat it down and commented to her that it should be a smaller glass and then I said .. "and you're a half glass, half small glass person." She looked up at me and was like.. how did you know that?? I was like I pay attention? It's important to know my people so I do. It wasn't until then, like a week ago I guess, that I realizedhow much I did this. I can still tell you what ExH1 ate, what he wanted on his burgers, what he hated, all of it. I can do that about exh2 also. I can do this with like my friends. I'm constantly thinking of everyone and what I can do to make their lives better in some way. I remember once we were talking about parking and how it bothers me that people don't pay attention. She should be parked in front of the gate, Frank next and everyone else wherever. It's called respect to me. She's alpha and should always have the prime location to park. She'd looked at me and was like, what? It's first come first serve. I said oh yeah I'll never park in those locations unless I'm stopping for 5 min to leave, I see them as yours. She had eventually said "I don't want to hurt your feelings but I do not think of you all the time" and I was like, of course not I don't expect anyone to. As I was telling him about this and how I don't want to change everything about me because I like my kindness. I started thinking, do I do this because of my people pleasing? Did I pay so much attention to others so that I was worth any of they're attention? Did I continue to pay attention so much that I didn't even realize that's what I was doing to ensure everyone was satisfied? I can't even say happy but satisfied. 

I used to try to earn money from my GMA when I was young, Jr. High thru 10th grade. I cleaned, or I tried to. I never was able to do any chore well enough once, I typically had to redo it three times and at that point it was always with a sigh that she'd say it was as good as it will get. When we spent weekends there I always had to clean before I could go see friends or do anything. I redid those kitchen cabinets every freaking visit it felt like but it was my job, it was expected and it was expected to never be good enough. 

Did I start paying such close attention because of trauma?? 

When I was first given my ADHD and Autism diagnosis I started thinking about things I know I do tried to drop them in one place or another and I'd thought about the details I collect and just thought ... Man that sounds Autistic like.. but now I really wonder if it's people pleasing... On an insanely deep level. 

I mentioned it to Marci and she did point out that food is my love language. It's important to me, you should experience food and I want to serve deliciousness to everyone but I have to know what they like and how they like it so I can best prepare for them. That sounds sweet and loving but I still can't help but wonder if the fact that in the almost 3 months I've been.. seeing? Matt I've already been collecting and learning. I say it's because it's what I know, I don't know anything else to do but I can kitchen you know. But I'm concerned that I'm already collecting for the wrong reasons? I don't want to people please. I want to be kind and helpful but I want to be authentic. How do I figure out what is genuine and what is my people pleasing and what might actually be my ADHD or Autism. I just keep thinking about it and I can't figure it out and I'm not sure I'll be able to. 

I'm just going to try to be self aware and keep moving forward and I'll try to remember to bring in Therapy next week. 

I started this on 4th of July, I'm finishing it July 8th. Woohoo for not taking two weeks!! 

~~ T