Not all of my sessions are emotional, sometimes it's a ramble of chaos and trying to remember the things I handled and such or what I couldn't. Well when I left home I noticed that when Jayden was taken to school Frank had parked across the street, even though the entire space in front was open and it made me wonder about how much I worry about where I park, anywhere I am. At Beckie's I was constantly trying to be sure that wherever I parked was for the ease of everyone else, I wouldn't be in the way. Danny left first, he should always have the spot for easiest exit and so forth. Here, I believe that both Alicia and Frank should be the only ones to park up front, closest to the gate. It is THEIR home, that prime location is theirs. So I'd planned to discuss this running through my head and the possibility that it's how I people please in therapy. Alicia mentioned recently that I remember such specific details about my past. I can tell you some many specifics about ExH1, so fucking many, because it was my job to know. My job to make his life easier, to ensure he was taken care of. That's my job, do what's needed to take care of people. Everyone is a priority. I explained that and then I started to cry.. because I realized that I still do not have enough worth to put myself ahead of anyone else. Everyone else is exponentially more important than I am, at least in my head. I hadn't intended on today to be an overwhelming, painfully emotional day. I wasn't ready to realize that all my work so far was barely scratching the surface and today I cracked into a small root. That I regret never getting to say anything to my father because I was taught my words didn't matter, that I was never heard so just be quiet. My voice has been gone my entire life, she's never been able to just speak and she still can't grasp what's needed. I was not ready to realize that my worth is so fucking minimal and when I think of how low it was, I'm really not sure why I'm still sitting here, crying trying to put into words how fucked up it is that even now I can't see much of it.
My therapist tried to get me to speak to my inner child, to get her to speak. Sitting here I realize I don't even know what to say to her because I couldn't save her, I couldn't protect her from the pain inflicted mentally, emotionally and physically. I used wish my dad hit me, because that pain would go away, it wouldn't linger. When B1 would hit, it hurt, I cried, I begged but eventually it would not hurt until the next time. What I didn't realize is that subconsciously I couldn't bring myself to be physically hurt again and I set out to accept only those that wouldn't physically hurt me but continued the internal damage, because I wasn't worth better.
With ExH2 I thought I'd found what I needed, someone that saw me as beautiful, who wanted me and showered me with more affection and words then I'd ever experienced, but I also learned that once I again I didn't matter, I wasn't worth the effort or even attempt. I wasn't money or a motorcycle and those things were worth more than I was and I still am not handling that well I've realized. I do these things and it's still only surface??
I had decided that I knew I wasn't ready to not have my therapist, that I was afraid I'd back pedal the little bit of forward movement I've made, today proved this point. I've no idea how long it's going to take to heal, I hope I can find my worth sooner than later but fuck man. I wasn't ready for today, I wasn't ready to realize that as much as I thought I let my dad and brother and grandma go that ultimately they're at the root and damn it I refuse to believe that my existence was meant to be squashed and beat down by those that were supposed to love and nurture me, I didn't ask to be here, I definitely didn't ask to be broken before I ever got the chance to be whole.
~~ T
No comments:
Post a Comment