So much to say…

Good Day! I honestly have no idea how to start my posts, I just start talking in my head and decide to roll with it, it takes me far too long to even title them hahaha… today man.. it’s only 9:47am and I have so many thoughts on what to write about today that I just don’t know where to begin. I don't plan to be emotional but do we ever really plan that? I think we will start with Happy Things! Self Love Happy Things! Which means starting with Friday Evening.

My Friday night had me feeling amazing, I have never felt so comfortable in anything that made me stand out. The family was going to Soho in Granger for Journey's 8th Birthday and I took the oppurtuinty to dress up. I don't go anywhere anymore to really dress up and I had this skirt I just really wanted to wear, in fact I only wore it once and that was to celebrate my divorce being final. To be honest my ass looks great in it and I just wanted to feel good. I knew exactly what shirt I wanted. I love my long neck and I've come to really like my shoulders which is something I've always actually hated. I have a short sleeve, very cold shoulder top that would be wonderful with the skirt. I love it and knew I wanted to wear it. My legs were an issue, I am just not comfortable with them bare so I had to have leggings or something. I went to the two pairs I have but they were clashing with my print and I can't do that haha. As a last ditch effort went to my fishnets.. and damn if they didn't work! I couldn't even settle on my Crocs because they dressed me down.

My Alicia has my old brown leather jacket which was a bit big but needed because it was too cold for the drastic cold shoulder top. She is amazing, my challenge, my nonjudgemental, deep conversational ride or die. I truly don't know what I would do with out her. She was brought back into my Life at the right time to help lift me out of a very dark hole. I am forever grateful she asked me to maker her wedding cake. She was my first friend in Indiana and I've come full circle living in her home now. I love her so much.

I had a wonderful night, I didn't feel watched. I was just present and I even feel like I was confident and I loved it. I really did not want to change when I got home haha. Either way, just thinking about it makes me feel good and its really an odd feeling. I know that seems weird to say but I have always picked apart why that was wrong so I never truly felt that way, learning to be present and enjoy being present is new and definitely difficult, but it is worth it to feel good. To start Loving Myself.

Which is why I decided to start with what makes me feel so good so I can move on easily to the next topic of finding out that my ex-husband of 7 months is in a relationship. First I AM OK! I am not surpised. Ex-Husband #1 announced being engaged 1 day after our divorce was finalized and married 4 months later. As I type this I would like to say I set out to attempt to better myself regardless of the fact that Ex-Husband #2 showed up in my FB messages a week or two before moving back to CA. I did try to stick to that intent, earned my Bachelor's. But he absolutely distracted me with his attention and love bombing, from wake up to bed time, all day every day, from the moment he sent that first message. And though I earned my Bachelor's, I did no actual internal personal work for myself. Wait, I did try to find a therapist, I ended up with someone through a church and it really didn't help me at all. I let him sweep me up and promise the deepest forever love one can imagine. I was already trauma bonding from the start and I am not going further into that than I have for now. That is Not why I chose to address this new knowledge today. I chose to write about it because I am ok. I almost cried as I thought about the fact that it just means I am right and I had not actually mattered for a very long time, but I realized that that doesn't matter. Really, it doesn't. We were and are both damaged and both contributed to issues in our marriage. I will not pretend to be perfect because I am far from perfect. What hurts is how much I gave of myself because I truly put all my faith into him and anyone who knows me should know how hard it was to do that, so obviously I loved him and he dropped me further than I ever thought possible. I really didn't know I could be impacted like that, and I can't say I will ever let that happen again. Both Ex-Husbands are so much alike, fucking Libra's man haha, they cannot be alone, they also will never see that they are damaged nor understand. I wish them the best but they are the past and they are lessons. I will not regret, I definitely have gained more than I lost; And I will better myself as I should have the first time I found myself divorced. Did you see me up there! Damn it I was fucking fire Friday night!! Here is to more of those days/nights and not worrying about Ex-Husband #2 anymore! ~~ T