What’s in a Name?

 I struggled with starting this blog. Not because I didn’t want to, I have and I have so much to say, way too much without a doubt but still. I needed to name it and of course to even start the blog it required a name. So after my friend said just do it.. I did. Jabber Jaws. Why?? Oddly enough my father. He is not an easy subject and we will cover that, possibly often, as I take on what I intend to take on. I will be able to because I’ve come to learn that we do the best that we can with what we have and some of us never even realize that we can grow, let alone put in the effort to do so. Pride and Ego and society, and friends, and loved ones, all have expectations that we try to live up to and we do the best with what we know how to. Is it always good, fuck no ( oh yeah I curse, I will try to minimize its use but it is who I am and I want to be authentic). But it is our responsibility to acknowledge and attempt to improve ourselves. Grow and heal but that requires self awareness and an insane amount of self honesty.

Ugh tangent. Jabber Jaws, my Dad used to call me that all the time. There was another name too but Jabber Jaws is all I seem to remember for the moment. I was either silent or I didn’t stop talking (oddly I guess I am still that way), unless you made the effort to get me talking I didn’t, but once you did I did not shut up. I think that was because I just didn’t think I was worth talking to so I sat quietly and read. It took time for me to believe someone was really trying to speak to me and once it was real I could breath and accept that it was real. I literally just put that together and ugh man that sucks because I guess I still feel that way. I will drift away from people when I am somewhere if I feel like I am not included because I’m not wanted but I know that that is not true, and that means a shit ton because there was a time I would never even have considered that. But I KNOW I am wanted around and I will continue to remind myself of that, besides.. I am hilarious. 

Anyway… Facebook reminded me that my dad died 10 years ago today. I read it and dropped my phone. This day in 2018 I lost my Job and that was the crack in my board that broke the next day when I was contacted because my Grandpa had passed away. Apparently this day.. is not always easy to deal with. Today, 02/19/23 I owned the shit out of my day and it was honestly a great day, so score to that haha. Either way I dropped my phone and said all that to Alicia and she looked at me and I realized she was expecting some kind of dramatic follow up. I said oh no, it’s fine. I just realized a lot of shitty stuff seems to happen on this day, I’m ok. And I am. My dad did the best he could with what he had, including serious emotional and mental trauma that was never going to get help. I was born in a time where it was not ok for men to be anything but a toxic male, I know what my head was like my entire life and especially the years that I almost gave up in. I could not imagine what was in his head, he was an alcoholic and there was a reason, many of them and no one will ever fully know or understand them because they were deeply personal to him. He did the best he could, and I decided to believe he never intended to hurt me as he did and that he did love me and that he was proud of me and that maybe he didn’t really blame me for everything.I am not healed but I have let go of him, I have let him have his peace and he needs it because I am sure his head did not let him have peace when he was alive, pretty sure that is hereditary haha. 

I kept thinking of things like T is always talking and then Jabber Jaws was there (Also I love Jaws for some reason so ..) and who are we kidding I do NOT shut up and I really do get embarrassed later and worried that I annoyed everyone simply because I don’t know how to control it without completely shutting up and thinking everyone hates me … man it’s rough in my head sometimes haha. 

So here is Jabber Jaws.. My dad named me and it followed me through life and I didn’t even realize it. I hope you have peace Dad… we’re all just trying to survive I guess, but I am choosing to let go and grow. 

~~ T