Here I am…

 Hey there, I am Tina or T as this is how I plan to reference myself. My Momma always calls me T, as well as few very close friends and it just feels necessary.  

This is about me, every ramble, every tangent, every word. I am 47 years old, twice divorced and completely stripping myself mentally and emotionally so I can heal and grow. In the last 17 months, with the help of weekly therapy I have had so many painful realizations and fears opened up that I can’t dismiss their existence, but now I can let them go, heal and grow. I still have time to live, to be present instead of a constant state of dread and fear. Fear of simply fear at this point because I can’t seem to ever explain why I am so afraid, but I will figure it out because I am worth the work. 

I have had intentions of doing this blog since about 11/2022, with the plan to start up at the new year mark. That’s when we do self changes right, New Year’s resolutions and all. I plan to use this blog as a personal journal of sorts, with the intent to be as open and raw as possible because I want everyone to see that we do not have to hide our traumas, that we are not alone regardless of how often we feel we are, that we can heal from those traumas and choose to be survivors and not victims. Victim is an interesting word to me, I didn’t view it the same 09/04/2021 when I through my life up into the air as I do now. It wasn’t until about 6 months into my healing that I actively decided I was not a victim and never would be. I am a survivor and I am here because I chose to survive. 

Tangents.. just like that I was off to a different topic and that is not my plan right now, I over communicate. Yet another thing on my long list of things to unlearn and relearn. So back to it being 02/16/2023 and finally starting my blog. Therapy has helped me realize that aside from my main issue of Fear, I am also a Perfectionist with unbelievably high unrealistic expectations that I set myself up to fail and thus I do not even attempt to take it on. I have been stuck on what I want to call this blog. I didn’t want it vague, I didn’t want it silly, I wanted it to be professional so that I would be taken seriously, I want to reach people so I need to control how I come off. Why do I want to reach people, it’s just my raw personal blog. Well, during my journey I have seen my many of my friends and loved ones also taking action to heal and grow and it is wonderful. If my journey can help anyone, save anyone then it is worth sharing. I hate the idea that anyone may have felt even close to how I did, thought how I did. The idea that anyone young has the thoughts I did at that age breaks my heart and so I will share, because we are not alone, we are a majority that no one wants to acknowledge because that would mean something negative. I will not hide my traumas or issues, I will not let them define me as less because they exist. What I will do is share so that others might understand me better or why I do or act the way I do while I work to unlearn all of those trauma responses. We assume too much, we hear but do not listen and we do not like to acknowledge that we do not know and will not ask for explanations. I am no longer assuming, others will need to be straight forward, I am working on being present and truly hearing others and I am working on bettering my own communication including asking when I don’t understand another. We are ALL different  and we do not know everything. 

See again.. tangent! Anyway, I have been hung up on these issues. I have a book that I plan to work on in this blog and we’ll several more at this point as well. Sitting here now, I may often have just been afraid to start the book, afraid I will overwhelm myself and not work on it as often as necessary on top of making sure that it is perfect. That is just a bit of why it is now 02/16/23 and it is just getting started. A few weeks ago a dear friend reappeared and I feel the Universe knew it was time for us to reconnect. He was the person who helped me see any worth in myself, it was 3 years of building my worth before I had the nerve to get out of my first marriage. A story for a different time though. He’s a neutral, no information of the last 15 yrs really, we had a short hi several years ago but we were both in places in life where it was just not the time.  Now, now is the time. On my way to therapy Tuesday I threw a message at him about my struggle with my title. The conversation led to why I was creating the blog. For me or for an audience? And I had not thought of that. I mean I wanted it “professional “. He asked me “What does the term “professional “ mean in this context? What does it mean to you? You are not giving expert advice, you are sharing your story.”I said I don’t want to share incorrect information or anything, I don’t want to be childish because this is serious for me. He then said “ But that’s you. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But consider this, there might be others like you who got stuck too (I feel like I am stuck at the age of 15, I do not do well referring to myself as a woman, it is often girl/chick). You coming off childish might make it more relatable for them.  So again, don’t worry about how you look or come off- childish, professional or something else. Just be you.”

He said just write, just start writing. So her I am. Just writing and my goodness, to me there is so much, and I plan to dig all the way to childhood and it is painful but it no longer defines me. My intent is to hurt no one, this is MY experience and regardless of who my experiences revolve around they are still mine alone, Anyone’s experiences with those same people are their experiences. Each of our experiences are different to each of us as an individual, just because mine was abusive does not mean yours was or will be. Also abuse is not always intentional, does that make it ok?  Not at all but the understanding can be there. It has helped me significantly regarding my father and being able to let him go, finally. Trauma runs deep and if we are not self aware then it will continue and be passed on, a vicious cycle that hopefully one day can be broken. It took me being, what I prefer to say is unintentionally, dropped so far down a deep hole of blackness and choosing survival to get where I am right now. Never in my life would I have imagined this is where I would be but I am. I chose to survive and I honestly didn’t even know I was fully trying to other than I went to my doctor 11/2018 because I knew if I didn’t I would not have made it through winter 2019. I can say that now but I could not then. 

So here I am. Focusing on my Mental health, including my physical health and hopefully finally living and experiencing life by being present and learning to love myself. Time to find and embrace my authentic self. 

~ T