Starting Chapter 1: Basic Distress Tolerance Skills

 Looking deeply into yourself is not something taken lightly, but I feel if I am to truly unlearn and become a better person, a better me, then I need to truly see and view myself. 

Chapter one in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook is covering the Basic Distress Tolerance Skills. I’ve often been told that I am over dramatic. Some people feel emotional and physical pain more intensely and more frequently than other people, distress hits quickly and often feels like an overwhelming tidal wave. Often we feel these situations will never end and we have no idea how to cope with their severity, the book is calling this overwhelming emotions, noting that emotional and physical pain often happen together. When I think about my life, all that I can remember and being called over dramatic thee is no question why both therapists gave me this book. Often emotions ruined days for me and instantly. My switch flipped instantly and trying to flip it back was impossible or at least it seemed as such. The book points out that “People struggling with overwhelming emotions often deal with their pain in very unhealthy, very unsuccessful ways because they don’t know what else to do”. Wow.. if that sentence does not hit me in the face. Am I proud of how I have handled facing all I have, absolutely not. I’ve realized so much I did just for survival and I didn’t even know I was trying to survive. 

There is a list of common coping strategies used by people dealing with overwhelming emotions and it asks us to check next to those we use, I am going to list them and check my own:

X - you spend a great deal of time thinking about past pains, mistakes, and problems. (I am learning .. but this has always been a norm for me, in every damn way.)

X- you get anxious worrying about possible future pains, mistakes and problems. (Always, the fear is overwhelming often)

X- you isolate yourself from other people to avoid distressing situations. (I isolate in every way when I can..)

x- you make yourself feel numb with alcohol or drugs (I drank a lot when I was young, basically drunk          between 15-20, I stopped refusing to be my father. I control it greatly. I do not use hard drugs, I know I am an addictive personality and I choose to stay in control so I won’t use. I do occasionally feel like I need a drink and I will control that with one and that is why there is a small x in that location.) 

_ - you take your feelings out on other people by getting excessively angry at them or trying to control them. (I do not believe this is an issue, there may have been a time but not anymore) 

_ - you engage in dangerous behaviors such as cutting, hitting, picking at, or burning yourself or pulling out your own hair (I have not actively hurt myself a while, I will admit I occasionally think about it when I get too overwhelmed but I keep it controlled and aware. I’ve also promised to tell someone if I do so I stay aware.).

_ - You engage in unsafe sexual activities, such as having sex with strangers or having frequent unprotected sex. (I wish… I am terrified of the concept of even approaching a person. This will never ever happen… )

X - You avoid dealing with the causes of your problems, such as an abusive or dysfunctional relationship. (This was a definite issue but I am working very hard on it and know the only way to heal myself is to get to the root of the problem,  no more avoiding) 

X - You use food to punish or control yourself by eating too much, not eating at all or by throwing up what you eat. (Food… fuck it’s an issue. I know what I need to do but I am defiance to eating crap at night and bingeing.. I really do not want to gain back what I lost but I deserve it given my eating habits… ugh..)

_ - You attempt suicide or engage in high-risk activities, like reckless driving or taking dangerous amounts or alcohol and drugs (this is in the past, I will do my best never to again, and I’ve promised myself and others I will say something.)

x- You avoid pleasant activities, such as social events and exercise, maybe because you don’t think that you deserve to feel better. (It’s not so much that I don’t think I deserve to feel better but that I feel out of place, I don’t fit in or can’t share in the experiences fully. I choose when and where based on how I think I will feel during it. It’s very hard to explain but I often feel like I am always watching from the outside.)

_- You surrender to your pain and resign yourself to living a miserable and unfulfilling life. (I am not marking this one either because I am actively choosing to NOT live this way anymore. I will never live that way again)

I can definitely say at that until recently I could have checked off all of them, except where sex is involved. That requires a level of social interaction that I will not be able to do so that is never going to be checked off. it definitely gives me a lot to think about. My intent is to face all of these and work through them in a healthier way. 

Following these strategies is the cost of these strategies which includes:

-Missing good things that might be happening now and then regretting that you ,issued them,

-Anxiety about the future

- Addiction, loss of money, issues with work, problems with relationships 

- Depression 

There is a large list of costs that follow these poor coping strategies and honestly I can read them all and know exactly when and where they fit. I’m not sure how I feel knowing so many fit how I’ve dealt with life especially being 47. The book brings up long term suffering and how using these self-destructive coping strategies leads to pain being continued into long-term suffering. I made myself suffer because I didn’t know any better, I thought that is how I was supposed to live, I thought that was all I was worth, I thought I deserved feeling that way and being treated that way. I know better now, well kinda which is why I am doing this. I feel choosing to no longer be a victim is what gives me the opportunity to face what I need to during this journey. I don’t want to be a victim, I want to heal and grow and leave it all where it belongs, behind me. 

As I work to ensure I am doing this correctly I will continue to list the book for proper credits.

This post is from and using

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook 

Matthew McKay, PH.D. Jeffrey C. Wood, PSY.D Jeffrey Brantley, MD

~~ T

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

 Why did I decide to do a blog? Ultimately it was to help myself, but I also wanted to be able to help others in my process in anyway possible, even if it is just by seeing and reading about mine. I am already trying to control the amount I say and share and I don’t want to hold anything back, it would defeat my purpose. We do not have to hide but we do have to be aware and work on our selves to be a better person. That is important to me, to be a better person. 

In Oct 2018 I reached out to my doctor for help. By this time I had already been hurting myself rather steadily, I would eventually breakdown and go to “him” for help ( I am not here to bash anyone, my experience is mine alone and I simply am listing what happened to me. I am not looking for sympathy or pity, that is not what any of this is about simply informing). My response was always stop being dramatic, you are overreacting, everything is fine, I don’t know why you’re doing this just stop. The calls during work had become extremely overwhelming, my bosses would find me crying in hallways and coolers. I couldn’t handle trying to control and fix everything on my own, it was officially impossible and I couldn’t do it anymore. I occasionally got to drive at this time, it would be a few months later that I just became a passenger in life in far too many ways, and I was always taking different roads to find the best locations for an accident. I needed to do things via accident so that I didn’t hurt anyone. Yes people would be hurt if I was successful but it was an accident and it would not add the pain of the real reason behind it all you know. My mom would have been beyond upset but had it been an obvious suicide then I would actually break her heart and my mom is my only reason for always remaining here. I couldn’t beak her heart as well, so I searched. It was already icy out so I just had to find the right path. Now there were several times I would just spiral and take off and several times it almost just happened. When I reached out I had realized I was going to be successful and I still couldn’t handle hurting my mom. She didn’t deserve that pain so I had to do something for myself because well… I didn’t matter. I now realize that communication is not always received, if one of us is unable to comprehend or understand what is being communicated then that attempt to communicate will be unsuccessful. He will never understand why I had to leave, the damage that was done (by us both) nor that by dropping me so far led me to completely facing myself and deciding to survive. I made it through my Father, Brother and Grandmother (recently realized and uncovered) and first husband for that matter, he was not going to be the reason I was successful at ending my life. No one gets to drop me that far and never will again. The thing that bothers me the most is not that I was dropped but that I let it happen, I literally had faith in someone, I fucking loved him and put everything I was into us. I dealt with the best friend that was there before I even married him, I let her be present from the start and I now know that is because I still didn’t believe that I deserved better. Everything involving him was a first. My 1st marriage should not have happened, we were babies and just didn’t know better. It was hard, but really it was like a jr. high relationship in my case. Now I didn’t have one then, nor did I in high school. My first ex hubs was my only boyfriend at 19 and I married him. I did not have dates, relationships, nothing. I spent 15 years with him and 5 months after my divorce 2nd showed up love bombing me. Everything out of his mouth was about how sexy, beautiful, etc I was. I had never ever had attention like this ever, like daily messages, ALL day. How could I not fall for this man and I did and I just embraced every aspect included his bff being included in the package. It wasn’t said but thinking back there was no question that they were a package deal and I was just not strong enough to handle is once I realized it. I had never put faith in someone before, well the only person would have been the first because I didn’t date. I did have a friend during the year before 2nd and I decided to be serious but we were friends that saw each other once a month, definitely not a relationship with distinct lessons that we need to experience and learn from. That went down a rabbit hole that I was not planning on. Needless to say every single experience with him was a first for me. I was 36 when we started talking, 36 before someone actively came to me and rained so much attention on me that I fell hard and gave everything I had because I didn’t know any better. The more I gave the more I was worth to keep, I obviously know better now.. I think. I still feel that the more I can give the more I am worth to have around but I can acknowledge that is not true and I will see that as I work on myself. 

If you are still reading… Thank you. I warned about my tangents but also I feel like it’s all necessary information. So I see my doctor, now when I did this I told myself that I will be honest with my doctor. I came for help and not being honest does me no good, I still feel this way and I have added being honest with myself to this way of thinking. Working on yourself will do no good if you can’t be honest with yourself. I will always take responsibility for my own damage and I definitely did damage and I regret the last year because all I did was damage us both more but I really had no idea what to do or how to deal with it all, I had never been through an actual break up.. I was terrified. My doctor started me on both Depression and Anxiety medication, after we talked I had asked why now. Why can’t I handle this? She told me that I have been balancing depression my entire life based on the information given to her and that I had finally hit my breaking point, but I did come to her and that is what mattered. She then had me set up my first therapy appointment. She was present to ensure I did do it and I was rescheduled to be back in the next week. 

I do not remember that first therapist name, I can see her and I truly feel bad given the me she had to deal with. I cried and screamed so much, ever single visit the entire hour. I picked, I scratched, I pulled at stands of my hair (I pulled my hair out a lot.. I often took him handfuls but the same response was always said. I also stayed close to hair lines so it wasn’t very noticeable and it was winter and I love beanies) she got the completely unraveling T. I need you to understand that I almost never got to drive myself to therapy, I was already becoming a solid passenger and would be picked up and drop off by either him or his bff because she got to use my vehicle more than I did (but I did let that happen). I had an hour of complete chaos and tears to put my face back on and get in the truck and say.. yeah I am fine. It was obvious that I didn’t matter and I was already learning to just be quiet because I was never actually listened to or heard. 

My second visit to my therapist found me receiving the The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook on loan. As I open it now, I have highlights to page 23, but I did none of the exercises. I could make excuses as to why but I wasn’t ready, plain and simple. My therapist retired during 2020 and I was unable to return it, I have since kept it visual as a reminder I needed to use it.

12/2021 I finally applied for HIP saw my doctor and told her I really needed a therapist. She agreed, gave me a list and informed me that most have a very long wait time and ti book several until you find the earliest available. I saw my therapist for the first time in 03/22, I am not quite at a year yet. That first visit led to weekly visits and she gave me photocopies of two chapters from a book that she anted me to read. I was grateful as I really wanted to work on myself. 

I waited a couple days and started reading the pages and I recognized them, and thus realized that I had the book. Mind you.. I had it for 3 years and I am finally opening it up. But I am still just typing an insanely long introduction and not working on the actual book itself, I just really want everyone to have the necessary knowledge around why I am doing this now. Sometimes things just hit a wall and we finally realize we can crush it, in my case I am not one to crush because I am afraid of everything for some reason but I am facing that fear and that is a great forward step. I will chip sometimes and crush sometimes but I will destroy that wall. I will not waste what I did, I will catch my life as it comes down from my toss. I will no longer be a victim, I am a survivor but I no longer need survivor mode. 

Being given those photocopies felt important to me. Two different therapists at two very different times in my life felt this book was necessary and I have taken to paying attention to the universe and not dismissing signs. Enough things have happen for the good to show me that I made the right decision. I won’t dismiss this book coming back into my view. I also feel that if it can help me then maybe it can help others too so why not use it with a blog. I’ve had Marlo tell me I should write it all out and well.. here I am. Writing it all out and there will be no flow because I have no flow, this will be like my taste in music all over the place and I may even include experiences and ways I am taking chances and facing fears. I will share my journey and everything that has gotten me here. 

~~ T

People Pleasing?

 This was not in my thoughts until literally 2 hrs ago. I’ve had many make comments about being too nice my entire life. This morning I was leaving work an hour early. One of the boys has been needing a ride to work so I checked if it was still needed. Once I knew it was Alicia I set off to make things easier and tried to offer to instead. I called 3 times lol… determined to try to keep her from having to do much extra. Once I got her things were very easily done and I really needed to not try so hard. As I got home and walked through the gate I thought about how determined I was to remove something from her to make things easier I. Everyone else, then thought about how I try to always do what I can for anyone to make things easier, I will push my own things aside to assist others because to me they’re more important and shouldn’t have to carry or do so much, if I can make things easier for anyone I will try to. I think I always have thought that way, that I need to just help everyone in anyway. I guess it makes me feel like I am useful? Needed? Sometimes I feel like I am supposed to be that way, shouldn’t we always help or do things for others? Especially those we care about? When does it become too much and more people pleasing than just caring? 

I have worked hard at being self aware, so I catch things. I try not to ask what I can do too often because I have caught where I don’t accept no as an answer. There has to be something come on haha. I just wonder if this is something I should talk to my therapist about, I see her today but the sessions always kind of choose themselves.. but I may have to bring it up. 

I often feel like I am never doing enough, even like today. I got off at 7am, I journaled and I am spontaneously doing a blog post. I should take a nap and eat but I feel it is more important that I maybe do dishes so Alicia doesn’t have to, I need to read one of the many books I have been reading, starting the book I plan to use in this blog. But I’m tired and feel like I’ve done quite a bit but is that really justifiable? I should definitely do more. There are many hours left and I need not waste them, these things will not be accomplished if I don’t set out to do them. Maybe I can learn to please myself as well as others haha.. is there a balance in all of that? I feel like there have to be people who found the balance between pleasing themselves as well as others.

This post didn’t have much thought involved, people pleasing came to mind, I am definitely a people pleaser and I will also need to work on that now haha.. 

~~ T

What’s in a Name?

 I struggled with starting this blog. Not because I didn’t want to, I have and I have so much to say, way too much without a doubt but still. I needed to name it and of course to even start the blog it required a name. So after my friend said just do it.. I did. Jabber Jaws. Why?? Oddly enough my father. He is not an easy subject and we will cover that, possibly often, as I take on what I intend to take on. I will be able to because I’ve come to learn that we do the best that we can with what we have and some of us never even realize that we can grow, let alone put in the effort to do so. Pride and Ego and society, and friends, and loved ones, all have expectations that we try to live up to and we do the best with what we know how to. Is it always good, fuck no ( oh yeah I curse, I will try to minimize its use but it is who I am and I want to be authentic). But it is our responsibility to acknowledge and attempt to improve ourselves. Grow and heal but that requires self awareness and an insane amount of self honesty.

Ugh tangent. Jabber Jaws, my Dad used to call me that all the time. There was another name too but Jabber Jaws is all I seem to remember for the moment. I was either silent or I didn’t stop talking (oddly I guess I am still that way), unless you made the effort to get me talking I didn’t, but once you did I did not shut up. I think that was because I just didn’t think I was worth talking to so I sat quietly and read. It took time for me to believe someone was really trying to speak to me and once it was real I could breath and accept that it was real. I literally just put that together and ugh man that sucks because I guess I still feel that way. I will drift away from people when I am somewhere if I feel like I am not included because I’m not wanted but I know that that is not true, and that means a shit ton because there was a time I would never even have considered that. But I KNOW I am wanted around and I will continue to remind myself of that, besides.. I am hilarious. 

Anyway… Facebook reminded me that my dad died 10 years ago today. I read it and dropped my phone. This day in 2018 I lost my Job and that was the crack in my board that broke the next day when I was contacted because my Grandpa had passed away. Apparently this day.. is not always easy to deal with. Today, 02/19/23 I owned the shit out of my day and it was honestly a great day, so score to that haha. Either way I dropped my phone and said all that to Alicia and she looked at me and I realized she was expecting some kind of dramatic follow up. I said oh no, it’s fine. I just realized a lot of shitty stuff seems to happen on this day, I’m ok. And I am. My dad did the best he could with what he had, including serious emotional and mental trauma that was never going to get help. I was born in a time where it was not ok for men to be anything but a toxic male, I know what my head was like my entire life and especially the years that I almost gave up in. I could not imagine what was in his head, he was an alcoholic and there was a reason, many of them and no one will ever fully know or understand them because they were deeply personal to him. He did the best he could, and I decided to believe he never intended to hurt me as he did and that he did love me and that he was proud of me and that maybe he didn’t really blame me for everything.I am not healed but I have let go of him, I have let him have his peace and he needs it because I am sure his head did not let him have peace when he was alive, pretty sure that is hereditary haha. 

I kept thinking of things like T is always talking and then Jabber Jaws was there (Also I love Jaws for some reason so ..) and who are we kidding I do NOT shut up and I really do get embarrassed later and worried that I annoyed everyone simply because I don’t know how to control it without completely shutting up and thinking everyone hates me … man it’s rough in my head sometimes haha. 

So here is Jabber Jaws.. My dad named me and it followed me through life and I didn’t even realize it. I hope you have peace Dad… we’re all just trying to survive I guess, but I am choosing to let go and grow. 

~~ T 

Here I am…

 Hey there, I am Tina or T as this is how I plan to reference myself. My Momma always calls me T, as well as few very close friends and it just feels necessary.  

This is about me, every ramble, every tangent, every word. I am 47 years old, twice divorced and completely stripping myself mentally and emotionally so I can heal and grow. In the last 17 months, with the help of weekly therapy I have had so many painful realizations and fears opened up that I can’t dismiss their existence, but now I can let them go, heal and grow. I still have time to live, to be present instead of a constant state of dread and fear. Fear of simply fear at this point because I can’t seem to ever explain why I am so afraid, but I will figure it out because I am worth the work. 

I have had intentions of doing this blog since about 11/2022, with the plan to start up at the new year mark. That’s when we do self changes right, New Year’s resolutions and all. I plan to use this blog as a personal journal of sorts, with the intent to be as open and raw as possible because I want everyone to see that we do not have to hide our traumas, that we are not alone regardless of how often we feel we are, that we can heal from those traumas and choose to be survivors and not victims. Victim is an interesting word to me, I didn’t view it the same 09/04/2021 when I through my life up into the air as I do now. It wasn’t until about 6 months into my healing that I actively decided I was not a victim and never would be. I am a survivor and I am here because I chose to survive. 

Tangents.. just like that I was off to a different topic and that is not my plan right now, I over communicate. Yet another thing on my long list of things to unlearn and relearn. So back to it being 02/16/2023 and finally starting my blog. Therapy has helped me realize that aside from my main issue of Fear, I am also a Perfectionist with unbelievably high unrealistic expectations that I set myself up to fail and thus I do not even attempt to take it on. I have been stuck on what I want to call this blog. I didn’t want it vague, I didn’t want it silly, I wanted it to be professional so that I would be taken seriously, I want to reach people so I need to control how I come off. Why do I want to reach people, it’s just my raw personal blog. Well, during my journey I have seen my many of my friends and loved ones also taking action to heal and grow and it is wonderful. If my journey can help anyone, save anyone then it is worth sharing. I hate the idea that anyone may have felt even close to how I did, thought how I did. The idea that anyone young has the thoughts I did at that age breaks my heart and so I will share, because we are not alone, we are a majority that no one wants to acknowledge because that would mean something negative. I will not hide my traumas or issues, I will not let them define me as less because they exist. What I will do is share so that others might understand me better or why I do or act the way I do while I work to unlearn all of those trauma responses. We assume too much, we hear but do not listen and we do not like to acknowledge that we do not know and will not ask for explanations. I am no longer assuming, others will need to be straight forward, I am working on being present and truly hearing others and I am working on bettering my own communication including asking when I don’t understand another. We are ALL different  and we do not know everything. 

See again.. tangent! Anyway, I have been hung up on these issues. I have a book that I plan to work on in this blog and we’ll several more at this point as well. Sitting here now, I may often have just been afraid to start the book, afraid I will overwhelm myself and not work on it as often as necessary on top of making sure that it is perfect. That is just a bit of why it is now 02/16/23 and it is just getting started. A few weeks ago a dear friend reappeared and I feel the Universe knew it was time for us to reconnect. He was the person who helped me see any worth in myself, it was 3 years of building my worth before I had the nerve to get out of my first marriage. A story for a different time though. He’s a neutral, no information of the last 15 yrs really, we had a short hi several years ago but we were both in places in life where it was just not the time.  Now, now is the time. On my way to therapy Tuesday I threw a message at him about my struggle with my title. The conversation led to why I was creating the blog. For me or for an audience? And I had not thought of that. I mean I wanted it “professional “. He asked me “What does the term “professional “ mean in this context? What does it mean to you? You are not giving expert advice, you are sharing your story.”I said I don’t want to share incorrect information or anything, I don’t want to be childish because this is serious for me. He then said “ But that’s you. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But consider this, there might be others like you who got stuck too (I feel like I am stuck at the age of 15, I do not do well referring to myself as a woman, it is often girl/chick). You coming off childish might make it more relatable for them.  So again, don’t worry about how you look or come off- childish, professional or something else. Just be you.”

He said just write, just start writing. So her I am. Just writing and my goodness, to me there is so much, and I plan to dig all the way to childhood and it is painful but it no longer defines me. My intent is to hurt no one, this is MY experience and regardless of who my experiences revolve around they are still mine alone, Anyone’s experiences with those same people are their experiences. Each of our experiences are different to each of us as an individual, just because mine was abusive does not mean yours was or will be. Also abuse is not always intentional, does that make it ok?  Not at all but the understanding can be there. It has helped me significantly regarding my father and being able to let him go, finally. Trauma runs deep and if we are not self aware then it will continue and be passed on, a vicious cycle that hopefully one day can be broken. It took me being, what I prefer to say is unintentionally, dropped so far down a deep hole of blackness and choosing survival to get where I am right now. Never in my life would I have imagined this is where I would be but I am. I chose to survive and I honestly didn’t even know I was fully trying to other than I went to my doctor 11/2018 because I knew if I didn’t I would not have made it through winter 2019. I can say that now but I could not then. 

So here I am. Focusing on my Mental health, including my physical health and hopefully finally living and experiencing life by being present and learning to love myself. Time to find and embrace my authentic self. 

~ T