When The Universe Has Your Back..

Like.. I really really need to step it up. Really I do. 

BUT can I discuss the amazing things going on. Really. I dropped men really... Finally just let M go away.. when I quit Kroger he was appalled. Do you have anything lined up and so on. Literally appalled. I was really taken aback like .. why the fuck is this really your concern? Like I absolutely was NOT about to put any expectations on him? Like it was literally nothing that would effect him other than me not coming. I mean ... I got my amazing job and postponed starting to see him which... Uhm didn't even happen. Cause he cancelled twice. Which honestly I was fine with because I'd been done but am not able to speak up that way... YET! I will be.. which is why I should be working on things. And when he read I found an awesome job he wasn't really excited but had the audacity to say he was proud of me..that still burns me. You don't know me... AT ALL... You have no right to say you're proud of me ... Ever. Especially given the bullshit of whatever the fuck it was from 4th of July on. Like. Seriously. Yet.. I still have his key and I simply went away. I keep waiting for him to unfriend me but he has not and whatever. Feel free to watch my growth from the sidelines.

What I have found was as soon as I decided I was done... With M and R was gone and all I focused on was me. Even T is not before me.i help, enable more than I should but I have said no and I stand my ground. I put me back to focus and boom my amazing job. 

This job though. I love it, truly , but it's so much! I'm exhausted and the idea of working on things when I get home from work is just more exhausting so . I haven't. I have made sure to do my book and I am doing my daily blog and staying very aware. 

What's crazy is my last post was literally the day.. I think that my current holy shit was even seen. Ive reread it and I don't even remember doing it, that worries me so. Then I checked FB and yup that's when I saw it. 

The 21st. I drove down Jefferson heading to the Laundromat from Sturgis and there was a for rent sign, in front of the cutest little house. And I made a mental note but when I got to the light, right at my job, I turned around. I got the info and was determined to move forward on it. I got to the Laundromat, started my clothes and researched as far as I could. It wasn't much, minimal info on Zillow. I messaged a couple friends and was so excited. It's $1200 a month + Utilities and utilities $1200 down. I have half in savings because my plan was to hopefully move in March. So I got home and I called. The current resident moves out the 26th. We can see it then but let me send the application. 

So the next day I printed it and filled it out at work. Tuesday was a snow day and super icy so no school and I stayed home. I worked but stayed home. So on Wednesday I sent the application along with an email explaining somethings. I didn't want to share too much but I also wanted to be honest and forthcoming. I got a text the next day that they received the application and will be in touch. So I waited. And I waited. I woke up in an especially shitty mood in Saturday and started questioning so much. And I drew cards and checked myself and went to bed. Sunday was laundry so I headed there about 11. 

I had just put my clothes in the dryer and I got a text about verifying income because I'd only been working there for 2 months. So I said absolutely and such. We chatted a bit and then they asked if I'd seen the house. And just like that I was seeing the house when my clothes finished drying. 

It is the cutest little house! Only 738sq ftish 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom and a finished basement on just under an acre. Detached 2 car garage. Like.. it's perfect and I can walk from work. So we shake hands, he was ready right then but she wanted to verify that I wouldn't struggle. It was more concern for me than them. They were really nice. So I found my paystubs and sent them off Monday morning. 

I heard nothing. So today . Tuesday was a long day. I was in at 5 and I didn't stop until 11. I walked into my kisses office and said "I've been going for six hours, can we do my review so I can sit for a bit". He laughed and said sure. 

I've never had a review like this. He told me I "was the breath of fresh air we needed." There was absolutely nothing negative and I'm still just so shocked. It was so empowering and simply wonderful! So then we chatted and I happened to ask how to find out what I am at rate wise and explained the house and he said I can show you the math but I can tell you where you're at with your raise that will take effect Feb 1st and will be either in this check or the next one. I stared for a moment and thanked him and went to my desk. I instantly emailed the owners and let them know that I was just given a raise and wanted to make sure I shared the change because I was excited about the opportunity. 

I received an email within minutes, "you are not a bother. I actually texted you this morning offeya year lease." I just kinda silently squealed and responded with YAY! And went from there. So I am renting a house! 

In a week I am now renting a house within walking distance from work. I'm just so proud of me. Truly. I am in a place personally I never fathomed I'd be. My headspace has never been as it is and I didn't know I really could change it. I really do plan to thank E one day I think because had I never ended up so low and broken I never would have helped myself. I would have stayed as long as I could and dealt with it. All of that was for the better good because now I am finding out just who the hell I am and I have no intention of stopping. I want to feel the way I do about my job in every part of my lifeandi I intend to. 

Today was... Amazing

 And I am cute AF

~ T ~

What the heck am I doing...

I am moving forward. I keep coming up with reasons I am not writing in this blog. I started my new blog Jan. 1, and it is intended to be a daily blog. So far at most I skip one day and have only done that once. It will also always include pictures though not always selfies. I want it a daily tracker of me I guess. I am always so tired when I get home and winter is absolutely not helping with that but I definitely need to be more attentive. I have no intention of stopping this blog or the personal work on myself because I am far from finished, especially regarding my mental health. I am so much further than I expected to be but I believe my Job has pushed me to this point because I am in fact DOING my job while learning more. I am DOING IT. And that helped open my eyes. I am far more capable than I ever imagined and some day I will tell R he was right regarding my potential. I never viewed myself with enough worth to even see just how much potential I truly had and now well I have the perfect image that I keep feeling needs shared so may as well place it here.

I am finally realizing myself and I am not going to question myself anymore. I have no reason to. Look what I have done in the last two months. I am super proud of myself at work and I know I have made mistakes but I think I have been doing so well and my employees are genuinely happy to see me and talk to me. I just, I am proud of myself. I am truly fixing myself, healing myself, growing as a whole. I never want to stop that, I never want to be so content with myself that I plateau because I want to always continue growing. Continue to always better myself as an individual and as a human. This journey is no longer just about me fixing myself, this is about me giving back, being a better human and soul. Me knowing that we should never stop. I will figure out a way to dedicate time to this journey, because I definitely think I am making excuses and that is old T.. new T is done with excuses. She is here to act not just speak. ~ T ~

Love Languages... Gifts.

So.. this has been on my mind the last few days. I'm not fully sure why. Actually, it's been since Christmas and Work when my boss gave me flowers. 

Months ago.. easily Aug maybe even July. There'd been a post shared that listed the love languages. I had questioned whether I could even answer those about myself. 

And my friend spoke up and said something along the lines of "Obviously gifts are one of yours given how excited you were getting flowers from Matt" and though I agreed it didn't feel right. I was completely shocked when I opened that door and M had flowers and then pulled out a little stuffed elephant he said he got from a claw machine. I was in such shock that he had things it didn't matter what they were it was that he had something, something for me. That he thought of me. 

So.. let's jump to Christmas. Alicia... Got me all things me. She listened, she heard me. She knew I loved horror and got me a pink (I never realized how much you liked pink she said to me haha) IT beanie that is cute as hell and she got me a set of horror socks. She worried they wouldn't fit but not that I wouldn't like them. She got me a planner, she heard me several times mention that I'm just gonna have to learn to use a planner. Everything was me. She THOUGHT about me when she picked things out. 

That made me think, how I hated when ExH2 would ask every damn year... "What do you want for Christmas and your Birthday, I don't know what to get." How the fuck do you NOT know me enough to pick me out a gift. I don't think I'm difficult, I love the kitchen and cookbooks, any cookbook, any kitchen gadgets, fuck a set of kitchen towels the scream Tina. Horror, Rocky, Tootsie Pops.. sharks, cabbage patch kids, like fuck in easy really. 

I mean... Very obviously ALL of them man. All of them BUT.. I simply want to be thought of. My Mom & Marlo were who thought of me, Mirm when she came into my life. Otherwise... I can't say I was thought if much at all. My Dad never thought of me, he'd even speak to me in my actual birthday and never acknowledge anything. Mom got me my Cabbage Patch Kid I wanted so badly, she upped it to a blonde hair, green eyed doll (just like me) my Dad grabbed the first he found without a thought. Bryan was who he thought about and made sure I knew it. 

Even my Grandparents. At a time men really weren't involved and my Grandma, she never thought of me either. She'd get me things she liked or how she wanted me to be. Nothing ever actually for me. I was glad when she decided money was better simply because I could pick something out for myself. 

ExH1 I shouldn't even bother with. In an attempt to be low maintenance I'd made a comment about how I wasn't a girl who needed flowers, I didn't know that translated into never being thought of. Every anniversary, holiday, birthday (if I got anything because often it was, I can't afford it we just had Christmas. I didn't need anything extravagant, a card woulda been nice, shit one you wrote yourself) was the most generic possibly picked up. I put him first in every way, both of them honestly, it's what I was taught to do but I could only take being disregarded for so long. 

I understand that I cannot expect the same in return, we are all different people and that's fine, but I can have expectations of being thought of. I pay attention and I see and feel when it changes. I just want to be important enough to someone that I truly matter, that I'm thought of not as a random passing thought. 

im gonna throw in this meme because with all the work I'm doing, I'm no longer say trying to because I actively am, I am just not certain if I ever did anything romantic again I will not need reassurance. That tells me I just shouldn't bother until I know how to not need reassurance. 

I've been lucky to have acquired a few amazing friends that have helped me see the importance of being thought of. Marci & Spencer have always made it so clear to me and my Friend Alina too. I only know her online but we're so very close and I'm so grateful for them. Just being thought of. 

I will not ever settle for not being thought of though, never fucking again. Either know me or move the fuck on. I don't want to waste my time or energy anymore. I'm too precious to waste. 

~ T ~