I should...

I should have done more today, I should have. I took myself to an early movie. I often found myself looking around, thinking about whatever. I'd catch it and watch it and enjoy it but then I'd be looking at the numbers in the floor and the light of the wall. Renfield was good, Funny and Gory and honestly.. Nicholas Cage gives Dracula a great ego hahaha. I really did enjoy it, I almost cried like three times because of well... I felt I connected too well with some of the characters and I just wanted to cry. I didn't but the tears were ready to fall. I ate unnecessary crap and justify it because Wonderland Theater is great lol. All of this and I still left feeling low. I try to think about why and I don't really have an answer. I'm just down. Last Wed was bad, this one is quite indifferent and I really need to wake up ok tomorrow. I want to be smiley and chipper but I can't help but question why. Why bother you know. I'm tired, I never feel rested and I just wonder you know. What if I do all this, feel all of this and I'm still just me. I got a delicious double scoop of ice cream and though I felt that enjoyment with each bite, it was fleeting. I

still came home and just tried to fall asleep. I prefer to be asleep, it's the better state of being. 

~~T 

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, Self-destructive Behaviors and Pleasurable Activities.

It has been an odd couple of weeks, honestly I've been rather off for a minute. The weekend definitely was not how I'd planned and it is what it is and I've found I'm slipping away from the things I need to be doing. Things I told myself I need to do to move on in life in general. 

I'd started reading books in January and have stopped, I've made little progress on any of the books I've started. I can come up with a billion excuses including the recent diagnosis of ADHD, which I've really only told to a couple of people. Excuses are just that and all I can do is keep trying to hold myself accountable. In the end I'm doing this for me and the only person I'm hurting is me by not keeping up with it as I should. 

Returning to the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, the next section and exercise regards Self-destructive behaviors. In 2018 when I finally tried to help myself it was because I was actively hurting myself, actively looking for a way out that wouldn't look like it was planned. The right road, the right amount of ice, and only me. I'd taken handfuls of hair to EXH2 crying at his feet, I handed him the knife crying at his feet after I cut myself enough to draw blood. Every time I was met with "Stop being so dramatic" and "Why are you doing this you're fine" and so on. I knew I didn't trust myself and I went to my Dr. My deal with myself was to be honest with my Dr and myself, the only way this worked is by being honest. I had only hurt myself a couple times after that visit and I've promised myself I would not again. I reach out any time I think about it and I let my therapist know. It's imperative if I want to succeed in my work on myself. 

My Self-destructive behavior is eating. Reading this small section I felt it was more focused on cutting and drug use (pg 12) and I acknowledge that I have got to learn how to properly site for credit, it is directly from my book and I give it all the credit. That said, I feel eating is definitely a Self-destructive behavior. My first stop to pee Sat I didn't hesitate to pick up candy when I left. Every stop I left with candy. A total of 5, 4 on the way and 1 just before the high way to go home. In fact, I binged on a fat bag of White Castle including a large Dr. Pepper and didn't need to stop and pee at all, so definitely my anxiety. I ate every bit of candy before I went to bed at midnight that night. 

On Sunday I went to the movies and bought popcorn and a bag of candy, all eaten by end of movie (oh and a corn dog w/ slushy). I stopped at Walmart, definitely picked up candy for later and got a small bite from McDonald's before I got home. I'm not going to go into the list of crap I've eaten since my Panic Saturday night, but I'm definitely acknowledging it at this moment and candy is back off the allowed to buy list! 

The exercise listed on Pg 13 is a list of possible behaviors you can use to distract yourself from the destructive behavior. I'm putting a picture of the list below. 

I eat for a myriad of reasons (side note, myriad cracks me up because I think of Heathers every time and I use it often like plethora haha), including boredom and when I'm upset. Every form of upset I look for food. Even in a great mood I want to celebrate with great food! I love food, so that doesn't help it's use as a destructive behavior. 

I never used to snack, at least not like I do now. The person who lived with me and EXH2, M, got me into that habit, she brought in so much so often. It was a constant train of crap being brought in. Now, now I find food is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm an independent person on my own. I'm in no way on my own, I rely on others for my shelter and I remind myself of that constantly. Food gives me a small feeling of independence and I definitely understand that's not healthy. It's not healthy at all but it's definitely how I currently think. Night time is my worst time. I can be controlled until 8 or 9 pm and then I'll eat crap for 30 min and go to sleep. I'd transitioned to fruit for a small bit but that didn't last and Saturday ugh. I still have candy and I will try to control it's consumption. 

Maybe when I'm driving and really want something to eat in the way home I'll just scream haha. One of the suggestions listed is "Scream as loud as you can into a pillow or scream some place where you won't draw the attention of other people, like a loud concert or in your car". The impulse to stop often wins with a shrug. Fast food is horribly bad for me and yet so disgustingly comforting. I cry enough so I prefer to not use crying as a distraction for food haha. 

I will have to really look at the list, I could use the rubber band suggestion, "Snap a rubber band on your wrist each time you feel like hurting yourself", there is more but it is specific to self harm, I guess I would snap it when I think to want to eat? My only dilemma is that most rubber bands are rather tight already on my wrist but for a few hrs at night when I'm home I could try. Those two seem useful regarding food as my Self-destructive behavior. 

We then lead into Distracting ourselves with pleasurable activities. This is interesting for me because when I first tried therapy at Purdue the therapist was adamant that I have hobbies. I explained I have no money everything requires money. She gave me a week and then looked me in the eye and said I was right, even the community walking required money and the hours available were during work hours. I have always been great at being the devil's advocate and I am often right. I am a realist, I do not day dream because day dreams are not tangible. BUT that was the old Tina, I can say that there are plenty of things I have found I enjoy and yes I may have spent a few dollars, I haven't had to since. I can draw, I'm still surprised by this, and if I do it simply for the enjoyment of it I truly love it. I have not drawn in at least a month, I just stopped and I'm not sure why. Was I afraid? If so why??? I've been trying to not make everything I want to achieve hyperfocused because I know it will take time and work, all hyperfocused will do is overwhelm me and then I will spiral. Knowing this I try to keep it in check but why did I just stop? Just like the reading and stopping defeats my purpose. 

Here are photos of the long list of pleasurable activities.

Now, in my own defense my situation when these activities were needed I was not in a place where doing them might have been beneficial. I needed to be away, out. Now, now I can do things much easier and I can name others. 

As suggested in the book, I really do need to be doing something daily. Something more than smoking weed and watching a movie because I can justify it as self care when in actuality that's me knowing I should be doing more, if only reading so my brain is being used. I am not being hard on myself but definitely acknowledging that I am stopped and the longer I am stopped the faster I'll find myself going backwards and I just cannot accept that. I refuse to ruin all I have accomplished to get me to this very point. 

It was pointed out this morning that my voice mail still said my old name, my friend was like who the fuck is Tina P... I fixed it and said Tina P... Is in the process of being eradicated. She's not fully gone yet but she will be and stopping wil stop this fact. I think I'm going to look closely at this list and see what other options I have, doesn't hurt to try. I'm learning that very slowly!! But I am learning it and that is what is important to me because in the end I am who matters and I'm doing all of this for me and me alone. 

~~ T

Man..

It's April 8th, 9:51pm. I should be in Chicago at a Punk show, D.R.I. to be exact, instead I am now home. 

I bought the tickets intending to go alone because I need to do things alone but also hoping someone would go with me. Instead, I'm home. Regretting that I tried to explain to Alicia why because I chose to be honest and tell her I didn't go. She doesn't understand and I was like don't be mad as she closed the door, she said I'm not mad and I said don't be disappointed and she said "It's your life". It's difficult when you're not understood. When you realize how little people actually know you. 

I was hurt that my attempt to bring someone along was dismissed but I was also reminding myself I was doing this alone regardless because that's what I'm trying to learn to do. I bought the tickets very spontaneously and just decided it was happening. The fact that I asked someone to join me is a whole nother topic to discuss another time and why it will never happen again haha.  I went to a Static-X show last Friday night and did really good so I felt I could do this. Chicago did worry me, especially going alone. And to be honest I tried to not go. I had to remind myself about how much shit I talked about going and how disappointed people would be if I didn't. 

I had started to dress but ended up rolling a joint to smoke with A. Once a little high I mentioned I was anxious and that I really didn't want to go, I should have thought more before buying the ticket and so on. I kept hoping she'd agree and I could justify staying home. Instead she was like.. it's a beautiful day for a drive, you can leave whenever you want but at least go. I couldn't not go. I would look like such a pussy and I couldn't have more disappointed in me. 

So I got dressed. I loved my outfit and honestly I felt great. My outfit in no way felt uncomfortable. My black and red plaid pants fit, fishnet crop under my Full Throttle tank. I feel I looked great. I just dreaded walking up and in alone, but I got in my car and set my GPS. At this point I already took my anxiety pill and I took three more with me. I'd taken two by the time I got to Chicago. 

It was 1 hour and 37 minutes to my venue, Reggies Rock Club. I had to stop to pee 4 fucking times. I had a Nitro Cold Brew and some water, very little water, and every stop was a painfully long pee. I felt like timing myself like Madonna did to Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, but by my second stop I knew it was my anxiety and just tried to get myself to stop it. Of course it did not stop. But I did get there, I had to pee so bad too and kept saying get there and you can pee. 

I turn on to the street, see the sign and it looks insanely cool as hell, and then I start seeing the people. So many cool ass people and I realized there was no way I could go in there. Absolutely no fucking way. How do I explain the panic that filled me at even considering to even park. I knew instantly what I would end up doing, finding a wall in the back until I couldn't handle it anymore and leave. I am not cool enough? To go some place like that and definitely not alone. I'm not even sure if that's the word I'm looking for. Good enough? Like who's not gonna notice the chick that shouldn't be here and is alone for that matter. I prefer being unnoticed and nothing about getting out of my car was going to make me unnoticed. I really cannot put into words how it felt to see it. It would be like me thinking I could walk into some bad ass club in Hollywood back in the day. No way, not me. I pulled over at the end of the block and sat there shaking my head just saying nope, no way, I cannot go in there. I sent a snap to a few, set my GPS and called mom. She needed to know because I knew she worried that I was alone. I got to tell her not to worry because her daughter is too chicken shit to even get out of the car and is going home. Plain and simple.. it is what it is. Marlo snapped back quickly trying to convince me to go in but no one was going to have that success, no one. 

Am I proud that I wasted $20, 40 if we count the unnecessary extra ticket, not at all. I am absolutely disappointed in myself. But I did go. And y'all really don't know how hard that was, and I acknowledge that my experience could have been completely different than I expected but I am not in the headspace to take the chance of a horrible experience created by myself and the drive home from it. I felt it was better to save myself that pain, regardless of the 5% chance I was wrong and honestly I am almost never wrong. No one likes when I say I told you so but I feel like I earned the right to say it if we're at the point that I can. I was feeling good about me overall and I just didn't want to tarnish that fact, especially seeing all the people already present. 

I hate how little is actually known about me, why do people not see the reality? Even at R Bar.. when I went. Why doesn't she see that I just sit there and kinda talk to the ones we came with a little bit otherwise I just sit there and I leave before they are all fully involved and I'm left sitting alone. Why is that not realized? I hate that things like this are such an issue and that so few even understand the impact it has. 

Fear.. I fucking hate it man. Hate it. 

~~T