I slipped... But in the transition period and Job hunt I wil and am restarting my things.. I have been using my cards lately, but now I am thinking if I have been using even them in a wrong way.
I had started pulling cards again this week, Well I had been periodically been pulling them but this week I have definitely been all over the place emotionally and struggling to believe in myself and justify my decision. Yesterday was a rough day, I got up and was rather hopeful. I set out to do applications until the laptop needed charging, which is what I have been doing this week. I did not update my Indeed until Tuesday when I planned to drop off my resignation, I was pretty sure that they kept an eye on it and an email did go out before I dropped things off so I am glad I waited as I did. I keep wanting to justify my actions, validate my decision. But even as I type this I should not have to, I do not have to. I think this is a trauma response and I need to make sure I bring this up to my therapist, man... that poor woman will have no idea wtf when I see her next. I will have gone 4 weeks before I see her and I need to get all my appointments to be sure I can be informative when I do get offered a position somewhere. I say when because I will have a fucking job, it is not acceptable not to.
Back to my cards.
I love this Deck, The Wild Unknown. It was a gift from my Brother and Sister in Law, their support of who I am or try to be is wonderful and I fear disappointing them. I fear disappointing anyone to be honest and I think that is why I try to justify myself. I hadn't thought about it but even down to spending my money and using coupons. I have to justify to anyone who asks why I bought something or how I bought it. I am constantly explaining and justifying it. I need to figure that out.
ANYWAY! This deck has always told me what I needed to hear, even if it takes me a while to figure it out. In this case it took me pulling the Seven of Swords almost daily.. no joke. It even came up twice in one day. So lets just share what this card represents in this deck. "Six swords hang in plain view, while the seventh is tucked under the sly fox's tail. So goes the story of the Seven of Swords...a scret is being kept. You're either the keeper or the kept-from, and it's time to identify which. Deceit and avoidance linger in the air. Face the casue of secrecy or risk ostracizing yourself". This bothered me because it was coming up SO OFTEN! And yet I didn't understand why, so I dismissed it despite it staying on my mind.
I have had two other cards consistently show up as well and the one linked to the title of this blog is the second. This card showed up often as well but not as often as the Seven of Swords. That card is the Ten of Swords.
Swords.. I pretty much dread swords in any deck. They are rarely good signs. I mean the image depicts nothing bright or happy.
What does this card say though.. "When the Ten of swords appears, you've finally hit rock bottom. You've let others walk all over you while you play the victim. Is it possible that you love the backstabbing and drama too much to move forward without it? If not for drama.. what would you focus on? It's time to find out". Like the Seven, I dismissed it because What exactly are you telling me? I detest drama, I purposely try to keep myself out of situations and people to avoid it, I really am not a fan of drama whatsoever so what on earth was the point of this card coming up so often? Often enough to keep it on my mind as well.
The final card that has shown up steadily as well, and it's actually one of the few cards that I noticed the corner on the outside is worn and peeled. This is the Ten of Wands.
And I may as well go straight to writing out it's representation. I could make you read it but we all know very few will actually read the pictures lol. "The Ten of Wands is a difficult card to fact. Mental or physical burdens have been weighing on your spirit. Over time this leads to hopelessness and depression. You simply can't "get through" to what you want. You cannot see the way. If this card appears in response to a person or situation, it may be best to simply walk away. But if this card comes up frequently, it indicates you are attracted to negativity. You choose to walk the hard road".
This card feels like it is simply my card, it like just chills on my shoulder like a tattoo.
I am pretty sure that is why it's corner is worn and I do my best to dismiss the corner so my mind doesn't automatically go to it. I should clarify now that I thought about it that my cards are rarely actually random. I pull specific cards, well specific numbers. I rarely do an actual reading, I pull to represent me. As a Capricorn my lucky numbers are 2 and 8, my birthday is 28 (I feel these numbers linked and that represents something of importance to me for some reason lol) and my favorite number is 13. I have always been drawn to it and I even married Erik on that date. So if I need to pull multiple cards I will do it in one sitting in the order of 2, 8, 13, 28 and often they speak and it works. Some days I just pull the 28th or 13th. it really depends on what I feel when I start shuffling my deck. I will always read cards that come out as well, if one or many decide to not continue in the deck then they obviously need to be seen and read. I probably should have said this above but haha ADHD it didn't come to mind as important until this moment and honestly when I decided I needed to blog the cards were not going to be a focus but they are because they lead me to what I am ultimately going to write.
And now.. one last card.. because when I decided to do this blog I wanted the cards involved. I knew the Seven of Swords was important and I shuffled thinking of it curious if it might pull with my 28 since it has been so prominent in my pulls this week. Instead of the card I wanted, because it was the card I thought of the most regarding this blog I pulled Strength.
This beautiful image stared at me and when I read it all I could do was smirk and say to myself.. I get it man.. I get it. That is ultimately the point, to get the point.
"It's not common to think of this card as the roaring, devouring side of the lion. But look again - the "strength" this card suggests is a much deeper force that's found within. The lion represents our most patient, composed self. He's a master of focus, compassion and self-control. When this card comes up, you're in need of harnessing this power for yourself. All the courage you need can be found in the muscle known as the heart". I have pulled this card before and regardless of its beauty to me I knew there was a reason it was drawn. My emotions are a fucking problem in every way, and the work I have been doing internally (before I stopped everything) was slipping away and I had seen it happening. The sad thing is I saw it far too late and even now I know that regardless I would be where I am at this very moment had I not resigned as I did. I thought about that last night, that had I thought going in there Monday would result in a different outcome I would not have questioned it. I would have walked in there and kept going in someway. If I thought there was a remote possiblity I would have fought but even now, I know that me going in there Monday would have resulted in worse things than my current state of being. This is not my excuse, I may mention many excuses because I have realized that, but this is simply fact. I know what things were when I left that Friday and as I ran through the upcoming week, I knew exactly how it would go down. I could not put myself through that, I truly could not. I am also going to be proud about that. Typically I will stay anywhere and put myself through absolute hell before I have no choice and this time, this time I made a stand for myself. Now, as I typed that I thought to myself you are not here to justify your decision or actions, that is NOT the point right now. I chose to not put myself through something I knew would ultimately fail regardless and I had heard all I needed to from others about myself that I simply was not going to give them the chance to say more of their opinions about me. Ultimately it is their opinions and they are intitled to them but I do not have to let them effect me and I chose not to, well I thought I was choosing not to by resigning the way I did and not putting myself through Monday.
I may have decided they could NO longer speak to me that way but I absolutely let them speak to me in such a demeaning way. I sat there, first I tried to explain. I asked if I was even going to speak and as soon as I tried to say "You dropped me in a kitchen with no guidance or training whatsoever. You just left me to ask random questions when I had time" I was stopped and told that they do not want to hear excuses and at that point I just sat there. I sat there with my hands folded trying not to interrupt because that is an issue I am constantly working on. I left them tell me everything I was incapable of, I let them tell me I have no skill, I have no sanitation knowledge. At one point I even mumbled I accept that, She said you can't even cook. I looked up at her at that point and said I absolutely can cook. But that was all, that was all I said on my behave other than I can do this and you won't break me. That was all I said, oh and I asked if I could still read the book she gave me. I got my things and sat in my car and then I was mad. So MAD! I texted Tyrell, I kinda hate that I did, but I have been able to vent to him a bit and so I knew he would kinda understand. I got home and just sat on my bed and texted Lindsey what happened and I just looked at my plants and was like, fuck you. I don't have any skill, no talent? Fuck you. I was mad. I was. But I did nothing about it. The only thing I did do, eventually was write a full three page resignation of blame. I did send it to Lindsey and she explained that it was extremely unprofessional and no one will bother taking the time to even read it. This made me mad but that didn't get written or anything until Monday and well to me that ended up a waste of time in the end. Time I should have spent putting in applications already not writing an angry letter that will ultimately do no good. Maybe I will look at it as a journal page, I needed to get that all out but is that just me putting down the justifications I want for why things went as they did? I can't help but think about it that way.
So the cards... This morning I got up, made coffee and thought about breakfast. I dismissed the idea and went with coffee. As I continued on though I wanted oatmeal and so I made some. I sat down to eat and drink my coffee and think about today. My mind was trying to talk so I just picked up my journal and decided to write so that I could get in a better mindspace, I owed that to myself. I am often the person standing in my own way and I cannot have that right now. I cannot. I have got to remember everything I had done and accomplished. What happened there happened and I needed to move on from that. So I started writing. I acknowledged my frustration with myself that I stayed up late and ate. I just didn't want to be asleep yet despite being tired and needing too because I do not want to really mess up a sleep routine I may need. I smoked and drew cards and did pinterest and ate. After I ate leftovers, I waited like an hour or so and dug out the watermelon. I was full.. even when I ate it. Like an hour and a half later I wanted more, so I got an unnecessarily big bowl of ice cream. Now I did during this time apply for a shift lead position for CVS, which included an assement of sorts. Or more like a what would you do in this situation, which is often the types that show up in a typcial shift. Several of these, including putting things in order of immportance, caused me to think about myself and my recent experience. As I journaled and told myself I need to continue to journal, to get all the chatter out that is trying to hold me down. I have felt myself slip and fight the slip. Old Tina is always right there ready to take back over. The Ten of Swords man, I let all of that happen the last 6 months. I LET IT HAPPEN. As I wrote this morning "I sat in that office while the accused me and berated me and I even accepted it. I have been so rattled trying to please them I could't think at all". I let all my knowledge and abilities be bogged down instead of facing these unknown challenges with grace. I made excuses. I have been playing the victim and didn't even realize it because I wasn't seeing it that way. Journaling today though, I can't deny that that is exactly what I was doing. I am still going to hold them accountable, I feel like I was set up to fail from the beginning but I also had my own hand in that. I listened to what I thought was most important and necessary to get the grasp of because that is how it was put to me. I did not plan, I did not organize. I was sent to go do and I didn't take the time to organize or think first. Going through those questions and "answering them honestly" I think back and I wanted to be a certain way but I could never find the time to get certain things in place. I shouldn't have found the time, I needed to make the time. I needed to prioritize organization and a plan instead of focusing on getting a handle on ALL the paper and computer work and thinking that part would just fall into place. Instead it got more out of hand as I continued to try to fix and help as much as possible. They may have dropped me to sink or swim but I did not help myself as I would like to think I did. Instead I am now sitting here, unemployeed and acknoledging that things may in fact have been very different if I had chosen to just stop and make an organized plan of some sort before just jumping in as they dropped me. Seeing this, my failure (yes I am saying that because honestly it is what it is) is definitely an equal balance of my fault. Instead of going at things strategically, I tried to do all of it at once. I tried to learn and understand all of it at once. I even noticed when my frustrations were getting the best of me and then the Universe reminded me that I was supposed to be working on facing challenges with grace and I absolutely had not been. I was letting all of my frustrations and anger be seen and heard and that was extremely unprofessional of me. It truly was. I realized that on a Wednesday and Friday I was brought into the office because of it. I left that determined to be different and work on things. They wanted me to have a list of frustrations and what I need to help address them. I don't think that way, I don't write that way. I don't bullet point, outline. My head doesn't see that way. I don't speak or write in cut and dry lines and I do NOT know how to fix that. I tried with the things I thought I could do because ultimately I just felt that they didn't really care. They didn't want to get their hands dirty but to have someone else handle absolutely everything and keep their hands out in everyway, which is why none of the managers last there. No one gets any actual training, showing, nothing. You are just expected to know it and fix it and handle it. I have been the fourth manager in about 3.5 years, I was optimistic. As I wrote I asked how else I am supposed to feel? "I was shocked to just be put into this huge responsibility with only myself and the ability to ask questions. How else was I supposed to feel, I tried so damn hard. I admit that I let myself be intimidated and that tells me I still have so much more to work on. The place makes me question myself and my abilities. I struggled so much yesterday and it's not that I failed but that I did let them speak to me that way and that is on me. Do I wish I'd tried to do things differently? Yes, even now as I think and write and tink of the recent tests I did, I did not take the time to set myself up. I did not try to organize because I felt all the paper/computer work was more important and that it would just come together. I put the efforts in the area that would eventually co,e together instead of the area that should have and could have made it actually come together". I refust to say that this was too much for me, it was not. It was chaos and I am not saying that as a negative but as acknowledgement. It truly fucking was. I just wanted to do it and do it all, right then because it needed to be. So many things were in error, at every turn were errors in everything. Even now, I have no idea how that kitchen continues to fucntion but no it does because of some key employees that are determined to keep going. That said, I jsut kept working harder and not smarter. All of this has me questioning myself, the things I know are so often lost in my head. I stare wondering why I can't spit things out I know I know. That has me questioning my diagnois's and whether things are effecting me more than I thought (I am horrible with Effect and Affect.. it is what it is) but I refuse to see that as something that will continue to hold me back if it actually is. I was expected to simply know and fix. What I needed to do was break things down to find an order but instead I let things happen and they spiraled and it was truly too late to make any differences. By the time Cultural week started the path leading to Friday was already in place and all I could do was get through the week and I did. No matter how I did it, as I would have or as they wanted it was simply always wrong and at that point it was going to remain wrong and it would not have mattered. I know that for certain.
I kept thinking about the cards that came up, the secret? Is the secret that I have quit, that I have not worked this entire week? I have told very few, truly maybe 10 people know I quit and am curerntly unemployed. I have been extremely quiet all week and I am avoiding my Mom. I do not want her to worry, I owe her money and she will get it but I know she will worry and I don't want her to. I have no intention of losing my little space, none whatsoever. That job showed me I can do far more than I let myself believe. Is the secret the fact that I did have a hand in my failure in that position? I will say failure because in the end that is what happened but I also need to learn from it. I have been saying all week that my decision was the right one and I still stand by that. I have no doubts about how things were going to play out, none what so ever. Last night, during a moment of helplessness, doubt and questioning regret I stopped and said "NO, I will not let my father, brother and grandmother be right. No one gets to tell me I have no skill, no talent. No one". I stand by that. Is it that I haven't said anything? Haven't even told my Mom show really does know everything, the night before I had talked to her about how exhausted I was and how shitty the week has gone and so forth. She knows it is not good, but I do not want to disappoint her. I don't want her to regret believing in me because for once I did and do. I took that job believing in myself and I left that job believing in myself.
My mouth is a problem. It always has been and still is. It was mentioned at the job and I think I savotaged my own attempts with Aldi. I applied for two full time associate positions and then found a store trainee position. I absolute believe I can run a store and even better that it is a trained situation. A proper business is going to actually ensure success for their employees. I appreciate that. I did list something in the last three jobs I held. I hate that in the last 4 years I have no held 3 jobs. That has never been the person I am, I like to get a job and stay there. Regardless of misery I will stay as long as I can, I expect it of myself. I opened my mouth though. I want to be able to explain why, Don't I have that right? So I listed "I left this job for my own ethical reasons regarding treatment of my employees", on Kroger I said "I left this job in order to lead and grow others" and for Purdue I listed "I left this job to get out of an abusive marriage and moved 2.5 hrs away". I regret that now, I think that had an effect on even wanting to talk to me. I submitted another application for something as impactful as Aldi and I do not remember if I did that there as well or not but I am absolutely NOT listing it again. I will speak on it if I get to the point where I am asked. My Mouth, I was told once that my mouth will get me in trouble and it is absolutely a problem for me. I must learn to shut my fucking mouth. I need to learn how to control my emotions and not let my frustrations be so visible. I have much to learn and this experience is showing me just how much.
I do not have a life, I realized Thursday that I have NO reason to limit when I work. I have no reason to not close somewhere. I don't have a person that should be prioritized more than myself. This is how I am looking at things. I will keep my little space, whehter I chose to stay a second year will be based on if I want to not if I can. If I have to work two jobs, I am going to. I will NOT be spoken to as I was though, nor will I be treated as such. I have no issue with overtime and I am a hard worker but I will not be treated like that. I will not let another persons become yet another abuser. I did not toss my life into the air to let myself stay where I am not respected. I do not have to accept that for a paycheck. I see the Seven of Swords as all of this, I am obviously the secret holder, I have been playing the victim, I had a hand in my own failings and I will acknowledge that. I will take that with me so I can be aware and to the cycle of victim in the future. Erik taught me that I am a survivor, I am NOT a victim and I refuse to be one. This job may not have been what I expected, but I do believe that I was meant to learn from it. Learn from every aspect of it. Nothing is meant to stay in our lives, I think many things are there as a stepping stone, as part of the path and we are to learn from them so we can move further. I refuse to let this be an ending for me. I refuse to think that I was meant to stay in that toxicity. I had a couple things said to me last friday and this week. One employee told me that "Working for them is like being in an abusive relationship" and that hit me in everyway. I think that is why in the end I was mad after I left. After I heard everything that came out of their mouths all I could think about was my father saying after he laughed "you should reach for something more attainable" and how nothing I ever did was enough or satisfactory for my Grandma. All I did was sit there and to something I even said I accept that. I knew nothing I could say mattered so I may as well just accept what they are saying for fact. That is what I changed though, accepting what they were saying for fact. I have been faighting that all week. Letting their words repeat "you have no skill, no ability" and I would let them repeat and eventually I will say "NO!! No one gets to speak to me that way" especially for a paycheck.
When I look at those three cards, the Seven of Swords, the Ten of Swords and the Ten of Wands.. they are ALL synced. There is no question that they showed up because I needed to see them, to acknowledge them, I needed to HEAR them. I stand in my own way, I have a hand in every failure and it is up to me to learn from them. I am capable of so much more but I have to also acknowledge that I do not know everything to just start doing it, I need tools and I do prefer guidance. To be successful doesn't mean alone, not to me. We are not all knowing and we should always be learning. I will not look at the last six months as anything less than a painful learning experience and I will take my responsibility regarding it.
Looking at that final card, Strength. Regardless of saying that I made the right decision, chosing to leave the way I did, I was not confident this week. I have wavered and questioned and at times started to regret the decision. Getting the denials from Aldi did not help my feelings but that really doesn't matter because I did it and I am where I am. I have no doubt that I was not meant to stay there, I refuse to believe that I was supposed to still be there. There was nothing positive or possible about going in on Monday and ultimately I would have been worse today and my headspace would have been beyond defeating and I refuse to be defeated. This was not defeat, this was me choosing to just quietly walk away because I knew that was the best thing to do. The Ten of Wands "If this card appears in response to a person or situation, it may be best to simply walk away" and I truly feel that I made the right decision. I am tired of taking the hard road, my entire life has been unnecessarily hard and that is often because of myself. Strength is reminding myself to find control and be composed. I need to be patient and composed, I need to believe in myself because I believed in myself enough to know it was best to walk away. "All the courage you need can be found in the muscle known as the heart". I need to remember the courage it took to leave, the courage it took to move into my dear friends basement room and work on myself. If I can't take these lessons, learn from them and better myself and my life then why am I even doing all the work, or more like why had I been doing all the work. I stopped but I am back to it. I chose to acknowledge the cards that were screaming at me, I chose to acknowledge my own hand in my failure. I do not have to accept it as my finality though, it was but a lesson and stepping stone.
I will trust myself, I will trust the Universe. I know that I made the right decision.
If my Mom pops up, I will tell her. I am staying quiet but if work or anything comes up I will tell her and look she just called. Like obviouslly that is why I ultimately knew I had to do this. When I started journaling I saw that it was necessary because I knew the one thing weighing on my was my Mom. I didn't want her upset, disappointed or worried. I will handle myself, I always do. Only this time I chose myself and I am proud of that. I hung up with a sense of relief because she knew something was wrong and when I said look, I need to tell you something. Her response was "you quit your job". I knew it was known and I am absolutely not suprised that she called when she did. That is how we are. What did she say... that she was proud of me. I needed that because ultimately so am I. I like to force myself to stay in misery and I do not have to anymore and I am not going to.
I will be fucking ok, I will flourish.
~ T ~
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