Transformation? Growth? Healing?

I don't care what it is but I like it. I like how it feels. And I'm still absolutely shocked that this is how I feel. 

The day after my last post, we decided my start date. I have the job. It is mine just like I said it was. I'm still in shock I guess.. not that it's mine but that I so firmly believed it and claimed it. At no point in the process did I think anything other than this was mine. It's bizarre and I still feel this way. I'm just ready to get this going. 

This job is LIFE changing for me and I will remind myself of that. The opportunity given to me is one I simply could not ignore or deny. Every decision from the moment I hit apply was for myself. I will not waste what I did. I did not throw my life up into the air to not grow and do better for myself. To heal and grow. The only way to do that was level up, and that's what I decided when I hit apply. 

I want that in every aspect of my life. I want that certainty, that belief in myself in every aspect of my life. That is now a goal. I fucking loved how I felt and feel. I'm not scared! I'm not worried! I do not know if there was ever a time I wasn't worried about every part of my life. Everything was linked to worry and stress. Now.. work... Is a foundation. Not a worry and I've not even had my first day. 

My therapist just smiled and just showed so much happiness and pride for me and I'm so unbelievably grateful for her and this path. Every few months my reason changes. I'm more determined to work on my mental health and find out who I am supposed to be or grow into. It's painful AF, harder than I imagined but I'll be damned if it works (if we put in true, honest effort) and there is nothing that will make me return to old me. Forward is all I am willing to accept from here on. 

~T~

Procrastination? Avoidance? Lazy?

I've needed to blog for some time. So much has happened and it'll be 3 wks before I see my therapist so I definitely need to control how much comes spewing out, I always overwhelm when that happens lol. 

October 11, 2023 I put in my two wks at Kroger. I'd walked in at a horrible 11am to insane bullshit. A restet was done and everything was completely empty, huge numbers of things that would never sell out while so many spaces left empty. As I walked up skimming the Team Lead stopped me and said "I need to talk to you" I stopped and simply asked "Do I need to just go home? Because I'm ready to just go home..". She looked at me and asked "wait what??". I simply said "whatever you have to say I need to know if it's going to simply make me quit in which case am I going home. " she looked at me and was like "Uhm that's up to you but I accepted another job and I am leaving next Tuesday." I was like nice.. I'm glad. Legit. And I was. Then I started to look around and realized that they were simply going to expect me to do it all because I have been with her gone. And I was looking at the cases and how messed up things were and I just wanted to leave. I was so mad and frustrated and was preparing to leave. A coworker got me to call the union and make sure I can still get my vacation pay. I got that information and I put in my notice. I knew that I would stay, I would stay until something horrible happened because that's what I do. I would have let it eat at me and eat at me so I called myself on my own bullshit and quit. 

I updated Indeed slowly and started looking. I was not and oddly still am not worried. I worry about everything man... Everything. But as soon as I did that I was just so relieved and not worried. That store, that company.. utter nightmare. I quit knowing anywhere has got to be better. I was still not worried and I still find that so very odd. 

The last months at that job I had conversations in My head (I always have them.. conversations I will never ever have. Where I'm strong and vocal and can say what I need to..) but they fueled me, kept me angry. I was always stating my credentials in these conversations.. stuff like.."have you ever looked at my resume!? I have degrees in Culinary and Pastry Arts, Bachelor's in Business Management certified by the ACF! On top of my 27 yrs experience! They were constant, all day there running in the background of everything.. during my drives to and from work, even on my days off. I couldn't shut them up. But I think I'm glad. Instead of telling those that didn't actually care I was apparently telling myself about my credentials. 

When I put that letter on that desk.. I simply didn't care anymore. I would do my job but I was done. I couldn't care anymore. Still though.. I wasn't worried. At all. I'd randomly applied for Amazon as a driver, I had to change when the interview could be because I could not find any copies of my resume so I'd have to update it and print it at Lindsey's house. I'd started kinda updating my resume, I wanted to manage. I need to make a good wage so I could survive my own and that means not being an associate and that's how my resume reads. But I wasn't rushing? I wasn't concerned? I wasn't applying for anything and everything. I was looking. On the evening of the 18th I was on Indeed and a position showed up. An amazing position. Kitchen Manager for a high school and starting pay will definitely do what I need. I applied. I thought about it, for a minute. I reread and reread and thought how do I not just apply for this! I admit I was concerned about specific circumstances, and I felt I was solid. I applied. 

All I kept thinking was at least give me an interview, please. Friday, the 20th, about 8am I got a phone call. I tried to set it for after work but we settled on Tuesday the 24th, 9am. I hung up so ready. It was mine. I didn't even speak to anyone but I'd determined and decided it was mine. I didn't even care that I set the appointment so early especially when I had a concert in Indy Mon night. I just.. wanted this. I didn't care that it was food, I'd honestly wanted out of food, it was a huge opportunity for me and I couldn't see it any other way. 

My concert was amazing and I felt amazing. I went alone and I'm super glad I did. I really like the venue and I'm planning to buy a ticket to a Rocky Horror show there on the 17th. I'm hoping to start by then, if only to get through a few things and get it started. 

I got ready and went to my interview and I wasn't worried, I wasn't even anxious and that's not my norm. Everything makes me anxious, everything. And yet I just went in. It was an hour long conversation. And the only position we discussed was Kitchen Manager. She told me the process and what was needed and I left. The door closed and all I said was "this job is mine ". I was accepting nothing else, it was mine. It is mine. 

I passed my drug test Friday, all of my paperwork is done and I'm waiting on one background check. It's mine and I'll accept no other answer. This is a life changing opportunity and I am more than capable of it. Kroger reminded me of that. It's mine. 

I'm still not worried and it's really really odd to me. I'm never like this, in my entire life I do not ever recall claiming anything as I have this. It is Mine. 

~T~