Man. Today is NOT what I was expecting, in every damn way. I think I've been walking a fine line just waiting for it all to snap and it really finally did. It's 5:14pm.. I'm high.. finally and been trying to eat.
Today... Was fucking NOTHING like my expectation. I mean, I should never assume my expectations will be met but still. I can't seem to make myself shut down at night so I stay up... The latest has been about 3:30am and I've been trying to limit that and it was 1:39am when I forced myself to shut things off. I also just eat at night, I'll literally be full, and I eat until I can't handle it. It absolutely pisses me off and I admit that, outloud even .. and I'm still getting whatever I can find to eat.
That's not why I am doing this.. it's not about that though the point of bedtime was the fact that I was so tired this morning. Like I could not wake up and it took me about an hour to drag myself out of bed. I went to the bathroom and told myself I was still doing what I set out to last night. I had raspberries that id bought and were already too ripe the next day so I stuck them in the freezer. I found some raspberry recipes and settled on a Berry Coffee Cake and pulled my butter and eggs out so they would be to room temp. So as I moved around I was still going to make it.
I went into the kitchen, and looked at everything and decided I'd get the last of my coffee. I put it in the microwave and hit start and everything went off. The lights, microwave, I couldn't even hear the fridge running. I mumbled are you fucking kidding me... I flipped my switches. I unplugged my laptop to be safe. I tried the actual breakers on all three outlets. Nothing. I went downstairs to find the breaker box and found kitchen and flipped the switch. Nothing. I went back up and did everything again. Went back downstairs and tried the breaker again. Nothing.
At this point, I just walked over to one of the chairs along the wall and cried. I'd been talking with Marci, telling her I'd been trying to wake and so forth. So she knew what was going on as I was trying to deal with it. I messaged her that I just wanted to give up. That I can't believe that I was meant to stay there and put myself through that and at this point I I feel like I should just give up and go home. I just cried. I came upstairs and texted the landlord. I mentioned I didn't have the money to deal with an electrical issue. And then I came to my bed and I cried.
Mind you Derek has also messaged and I just broke down. I told him the same and he told me it wasn't allowed. That I could let today happy but tomorrow I had to take things by the horns. I told him I feel fucked up not doing anything today and I have no idea what I was going to do about the kitchen. My landlord then called and said he'd be here in an hour. I set out and cleaned my kitchen, tore down boxes, and put other things away. I actually got quite a bit done and I was glad about that, but tears remained right on that edge.
Landlord gets here, he tells me about the GFI to reset the individual outlets, which didn't work and he acknowledged they were very old. We went downstairs and I showed him the kitchen one, he flipped it again and then decided to try the one above it that just said "outter wall with cabinets". Then the kitchen came back. I felt dumb but never would have considered that one. He told me that he will have the outlets changed and not to worry, it won't cost me anything. He left and I just sat on my bed.
Drained, exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, numb, etc. I just sat there. Then I said no, I'm at least still going to make that damn cake because I said I would. So I heated up my coffee and scaled it out and baked a cake.
I numbly made my breakfast cake and set the timer. I came into the bedroom and sat down. I drew a card which didn't make sense to me and I wrote who the fuck I was and things I already did today. I grabbed my journal and set out to journal but that hasn't been done yet. I continued my conversation with Marci and still just couldn't get passed feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated. I've had no call backs, I put in so many applications and I was sure I'd get some interested and none. I have an interview tomorrow and I'm prepared to beg at this point. I want my little house, I want to keep my peace that I'm building. But how the fuck am I getting no response from anywhere. So I'm frustrated. I keep telling my head to stop, whenever it starts up. But I'm insanely overwhelmed.
Tyrell showed up about paying back and blah blah. I spewed my shit and should not have. I need to keep my mouth shut and stop saying so much to him. Seriously. So I dropped and came home. I showered and heated up leftover Chinese and decided to do this.
I may want to give up or think I should but damn it I am not! I am not coming this far to give up. Why would I do that?! I'm exhausted, I feel like there is NOTHING in my head and question myself when I should not. I worry my ADHD, Anxiety and Autism are actually affecting my life, my depression is legit right now and my head went to thoughts I have not had in 2 years and I nade myself stop those thoughts. It's the fact they even came up.
I long for a deep, hard hug. I just want to be held and cry a bit and have a hug that reminds me I'm not alone and that I'm ok. I need touch and I don't get any. I deal with it because that's just life and I am choosing to be alone but it's these times, these moments when I need it and I know any hug will literally just break me down into sobbing tears. I feel it and know that's what will happen, but I need it. It fucking sucks.
So I'm sitting here, calmer than I was and so unbelievably exhausted. And numb. Today is what today is. I cleaned, I baked a cake, I cried and I cried and I wanted to give up, I even said I should. I cannot. It's not allowed.
I made a beautiful cake and no one ever gets to tell me I have no skill or ability ever.
Fuck today. For Real.
~ T ~
