I've NEEDED to blog for weeks... Seriously weeks. Needed to because I'm not stopping my work on myself. I will not stop. But... I'm tired man lol and I don't want to use my 1... maybe 2 hrs on more work right now. Yes, necessary work but still man lol.
My new job is amazing but I'm exhausted and right now I'm just trying to be present. I did stop many things but I've already started them back up. I've not blogged simply because I don't know what I want to cover and really there's quite a bit. But right now ... This very minute... I've decided to blog.
I've spent my life forcing smiles, acting like I was happy when I was so full of negativity, anger, frustration, unhappiness, etc. Even with amazing people my mind would shadow them and still I'd feel... All that ick.
I was looking at pics from tonight. It's my birthday and I turned 48 and I think I've actually truly smiled more today than in my entire life. I felt the smile, it's a thing you can feel it and when I see my smiles.. I see the feeling behind them.
One of my dearest friends..I mean honestly.. he's one of my best friends.. Spencer.. will be why I make it to Florida and there are just no words. We snap daily and have for like 3 years now. We'd been snapping and he cashapped me $10 and said "get something yummy on me". It wasn't the $10.. it was how he is. He was the first person to call me Queen and on a daily basis, he barely knew me when he gifted me so much love that I needed without question. I'd seen this filter and took the snap with the biggest smile and sitting here I can literally remember taking it and how fucking great I felt. I've felt great all day.. and not a physical great but in my head. I made errors today and I didn't say anything to myself but "tomorrow and every day after you won't forget them".. I am doing one of the preschools on my own, only my second day but I chose not to shadow and wing it. Boss was cool but still I made the jobs harder at a preschool for 50. Still, I did not bash or say anything negative, at all. This actually just went through my head. This realization.
I truly never imagined I could feel or think differently and I'm not done, I know I'm not. I'm far from it. But tonight, sitting here looking at my smiles, I actually see myself differently. I see myself in a way I've never considered possible.
i see happy and it's with me and it's nothing I've really ever felt. I've been proud.. I lost 102lbs and busted my ass, I have degrees and the closest would have been earning my ACF title, but I didn't feel the way I do in these pictures. I don't know if I've seen these actual smiles before and they made me need to acknowledge that, be aware of how they feel.
I like feeling this way. It was exhausting before, just existing was exhausting. It's draining feeling so heavy day in and day out.
I truly had no idea I could in fact change; I also acknowledge how very privileged I am. That I was able to take this journey, that I could because I have such an amazing support system. I absolutely am privileged and will continue to share and help others if I can.
I have so much further to go and I've no idea what to expect but for once I'm not going to be afraid. The Universe speaks and we need to be aware enough to see it. I tossed my life into the air just over two years ago, I said I wouldn't waste what I did and I don't think I have. If anything I have overcome and finally took care of myself for myself. I've decided to finally challenge myself in a way I've really avoided all of my life. I've decided not only do I deserve to challenge myself, that I am worth the challenges but that I also deserve to enjoy the benefits of those challenges.
I may be putting off much lately but I decided to not disregard the impact of myself today, my 48th Birthday.
~Happy Birthday T!!~
